lauren k

oh, i pray that while she's off discovering herself that she doesn't discover she doesn't need me. because i've known it the whole time.

and the most tragic part of it all was not the fists or the words or the tears or the spit or the insanity. the break up was not what hurt the most. it was the days following-- throwing away the pictures from my wall. wearing shirts which covered the tender spot on my neck he would kiss with such passion. the smell of him wearing off of my clothes (God, his smell. I would bury my face in the articles to only get a hint, one last physical thing he hadn't taken away, before it soon left me too. never again would mahogany and musk marry in such a way that sent me soaring. never again would I smell him on my clothes.) the songs I shut off of the radio. the late arrivals to work so I wouldn't have to drive past the bridge he kissed me under fearlessly. the empty spot in my sheets. the empty spot in my mind from where I had unsuccessfully clawed at to rid the memories that haunted me because they would
          
          never
          
          be reality again. 

the world shouldn't get in the way of love. after all, it's the best thing that it has to offer.

the opposite of love is feeling nothing at all.

sometimes there are thoughts you can't help but have.

if im such an important part of your life, and so is she, why didn't you ask me before you combined our lives together as if they were supposed to be? why didn't you ask me before changing my life, too?

he's such a sweet guy. a good heart, a good mind, everything that could add up to a good love. but i'm an asshole and i can't set myself aside for two seconds just to prove to him that he's done nothing wrong. that truly, sincerely, whole heartedly--
          
          it's not you, it's me.

I'm done with being a balancing act. Personally I don't know if I'm mature enough or just simply able to successfully balance a serious romantic relationship with school and friendships and family and God. Life's too short and not meant for trying so hard to make it all work out for me; or for other people. It's for giving it back to Who created you and what They created you for. I've always known, just known, I'm here to write. I'm here to share my love for Him and others through words and just through me! And I've found that I can't successfully do that if I'm trying to balance all these relationships and people and plans and goals. That's just not who I am. Who I am and who I was created to be should fit in with others, it should go with God's plan for me and for them. I don't know. I'm just ready to do what I'm here for and stop hiding from it, but I know I won't. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm stalling God's perfect plan for me. I'm sorry that you can't know who I'm really supposed to be, that you have to see a version that's even the tiniest bit filtered. I know that I'm beautiful because God made me. He only makes beautiful things. I just want the people I love to meet her, too... And I can't do that when I'm doing this balancing act. So I want to take control of the things that are mine to take control over and turn them into what they're supposed to be, not what they've spiraled into it what I've twisted them into. Just ready for a change I don't know

i don't want you knowing my thoughts, so i turn my eyes down.
          i don't want you knowing what i'm feeling, so I lock my lips tight.
          i don't want your love! i don't want your care or your affection! i don't want to be the one you covet, the one you think of when you're alone! i don't want to be the focus of your daydreams or your poems or your songs!
          maybe it's because i know it's not my place. maybe it's guilt that i don't care or love you in return. maybe it's protection so that you don't see what i'm thinking behind my eyes, what i'm feeling and hiding beneath my lips.
          so turn your eyes to someone beautiful. convert your thoughts to a symphony that you conduct, not me. you'll be much happier.
          
          trust me.
          
          this isn't me disappointed in myself, this is me wanting to be alone with myself. this is me distancing myself from you, whatever the reason. i don't want the responsibility of your fondness.

how can you take a single line from a song, a movie, a book, or a quote? how could you take something singular and expect it to make up for all the complexities and wonders in which the full delivered? how can you sum everything up into a few words, numbered syllables? how could you expect something out of context to be beautiful? but then again... wouldn't it be amazing? for simplicity to be so precise that it could behold so much contentment that you wouldn't need an entire book to summarize emotions or people or places or situations. what if your own mind could be purified so much to the point of not needing so many words? isn't that what they're all trying to do anyways? help you figure out? and isn't simplicity, isn't contentment, the end product of figuring it all out? isn't that what we're all striving for with all this noise, all these words, all these songs, all these verses, all these quotes...?