Uh, no. I came out to my parents when they discovered gay porn on my computer while I was at my friend Nicole's house choreographing a hip-hop dance. Which is why I was shocked, because I thought they already knew. But, I got a call while like, mid... like, y'know, shoulder-brush, from my mother being like, "Where are you?" I was like, "I'm at Nicole's house!" She's like, "You need to come home right now."
["They confronted you about this?"] About finding porn on the family computer? ["How old were you?"] Like, fifteen, fourteen? But-- wait, hold up, I can't believe I'm telling this story. ["It's gonna be edited out, so give us a l l the details ;)"] But anyway, I come home after choreo-- we finished the dance. We finished the dance, she drove me home in her Infinity SUV ["Bouji"], and I walk into the house. It is... Pitch black, and I just see the, like, backlit shadow of my mother in the corner of the kitchen, she's like... [deadpan stare]
She brings me down, and rather than, like, having a nice, like, "Let's talk about this," she starts, like, bringing up-- she starts, like opening up all the websites. And, I don't know what to do, so I'm just like, "[scoff] EW! What is that? [chuckle] That's disgusting!" Meanwhile, I'm like, "Yeah, Tuesday, yeah, Wednesday. Thursday, I didn't do anything, but Friday..." ["So dramatic."] And my dad comes down in, like, his tighty-whities and he's like, "Bran, if it's yours, just tell us."
And, then, ["If it's yours?"] they found a-- well, hold on. Hold on. They found, like, a weird, fax-- like, a document that nobody recognized, and I was like, "Well, obviously someone's hacked into our computer!"
And they believed me.
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