No One of Consequence

welcome back to the late-night stream of conscious of a depressed looser.
          
          So, what is it that keeps me going
          
          Why do I continue to smile
          
          What am I to gain in this life by faking it for people who could care less about me
          
          These questions run through my mind, over again
          
          
          
          Is this life I live worth it any more
          
          Or am I doomed to meet my creator and hear the one thing I don't want to
          
          "Leave from me sinner, for I have never known you"
          
          Does any option I take change the outcome of where this pain drops me
          
          
          
          Is there someone waiting for me
          
          Is there a place where I won't be quite so alone
          
          Someone who can take me home
          
          Or in this life am I doomed to roam all alone until the bittersweet end
          
          
          
          Why do I even fight the urge
          
          What makes this worth any of the trouble
          
          Will I ever quit being scarred and just do it all ready
          
          Or is that something that I can't ever get right as well

And even more since I cant seem to sleep until this is all out of my system
          
          Along the horizon smoke does rise
          
          Dust and smoke join the people's cries
          
          Screams of pain and fear the same
          
          For onto them the end has came
          
          Blood and gore fill every street 
          
          From dead remains below our feet
          
          We trample along over fallen friends
          
          Begging for our own ends

Guess this depression train has picked up a few more cars.
          
          Type these words from the top of my head
          
          even though I know I should be asleep instead
          
          Keep on writing, got to vent these thoughts
          
          Because against itself my brain plots
          
          Never stop can't be alone
          
          Or else its true colors are shown
          
          Turn on myself the loaded gun
          
          No good thoughts not even one
          
          Must write to stop this pain inside
          
          Must write to know at least I tried
          
          Words only dull this pain
          
          My efforts all still seam in vain
          
          This type, type, typing will be the end of me
          
          Hell's black fields are what I will see
          
          All light inside has died within
          
          I cannot hold back my own sin
          
          This type, type, typing still goes on
          
          Yet myself I cannot con
          
          I know this is all in vain
          
          I can never end this pain
          
          But still this stupid writing does go
          
          From my mind the words do flow
          
          For none to hear and me to know
          
          That this is all for me to show
          
          That deep inside my hope is gone
          
          There will be no more light at dawn

here is another one fresh of the late night depression train
          
          
          Over her and yet it stays
          
          This pain inside, blocks out light's rays
          
          Try to find the one for me
          
          Yet still alone I will always be
          
          No one ever accepts my love
          
          I pull them in and they shove
          
          Alone I'll be, forever it seems
          
          So take this knot around the beams
          
          Pull it tight, don't let it loose
          
          And gaze up at the new formed noose
          
          Back to where I was before
          
          Please my feet don't touch the floor

And lets add some new thoughts for the void
          
          Every day is a battle of the mind, me versus the me I don't want to find. Ever thought an instrument of war, every memory a field of gore. I draw my sword and pray for peace and calm but no matter what I do my weapons fall short and the war draws on. I struggle against this foe unseen but still I can't seem to convince myself that this isn't who I was meant to be. The way I was shines through the dark cell I placed him in and continues to show up in me. Clinging to the hope that someday things will go back to how they were, that some way somehow everything will go back to how it was and not be left behind. That the problems I face now will fade away like the smoke of the fires that blaze in my mind. And yet there is no going back to how, no who I was. I am not the same, things are not the same, she is not the same. What I was then can't win her over, what she is now is not for me desire any more. I swing the sword I must let her go. His armor is on, and he is braced for the blow. Caught in this endless struggle within my mind, no escape for the me I wish to become. For I don't quite miss her as much as I miss the part of me that left when she did. That part of me that was full of joy and always looked to the future with a gleam in his eye. That part of me that was not afraid to think what the next days might hold, afraid of the fact that he may not have anyone there when it is his time to die. But I cannot go back to that place or that time, the fraction of life that was not meant to be mine. So, I wage this war against myself, hope that I can figure this shit out. Yet still I can't beat down that sliver of me that is still hoping against hope that one day I could be that person again. So, war is waged, and battles fought. My mind the field where lessons of pain are taught.  Ever thought an instrument of war, and every memory a field of gore.

Today's episode of 2 am scripts is brought to you by my new schedule of days shifts.
          
          Darkness bring your sweet release
          Days grow long and evenings weary
          This light and pain seems to never cease
          So night wash over me, so I can see clearly
          
          Darkness bring your calming relief
          Work drags on and memories come
          Thoughts do flood with their worries chief
          So sleep come over and ease worries some
          
          Darkness bring your sweet release
          The memories won't fade and stop the pain
          I can’t seem to find that new lease 
          So death end me to make me sane

And I am on a roll, yet another 2 am script
          
          Hope seems so far away
          Like it's forever out of reach
          But once there was someone
          Who made me believe in me
          
          She was smart and gorgeous 
          Not a flaw to see
          And even greater still
          She saw something in me
          
          I don't know what it was
          Weather looks, mind or neither
          But for one fleeting moment 
          I had a partner to guide my way
          
          And she brought hope to me
          Inside my desperate grasp
          She made me feel so special
          Lit paths I couldn't pass
          
          But then the flame diminished
          The candle met the wind
          And hope again floated
          Away from my open hands

While I am at it here is another 2 am poem added to "She Said Goodbye" 
          
          Alone
          That is all I feel
          Cold empty void surrounds me, drains my joy for life
          Even among others the feeling stays within me
          Nothing can fix this hole in me
          I feel so alone
          
          Darkness
          That is all I see
          Vast empty nothing stretching out beyond my sight
          Light itself cannot pierce the veil
          The enveloping shadow unphased 
          I see only darkness
          
          Silence
          That is all I hear
          No gentle songs or chirping birds, not even my own breath
          Beating heart nor empty words may sound
          Quiet in every way
          I hear deafening silence
          
          Death
          That is what awaits
          Tis not a man but simple fact that spurs on my own end
          Not loving arms or sweet release, but only cold embrace
          Inevitable at best
          I await my death

well, no one is going to see this but imma put this here anyways. If you know me you know who this is about.
          
          To the girl that broke my heart
          I still remember your contagious laugh
          Your brown hair and your giant smiles
          When my eyes shut they are met by yours
          And yet all I hear is your voice saying goodbye
          
          To the girl that broke my heart
          I still remember that night in March
          When I asked you and you finally said yes
          Or the dance in April where you captured my soul
          But now it's left empty and cold
          
          To the girl that broke my heart
          I still remember the hope you brought
          The joy I had when you were near
          And the love I felt when by your side
          So why is my heart so so heavy 
          
          To the girl that broke my heart
          I still remember when we parted ways
          The coldness in your tone 
          And the emptiness in the explanation
          Left me wishing for another place to end
          
          To the girl that broke my heart
          I hope you’re happy and doing well
          Know that I am trying to be too
          Because you did leave me one thing
          This love of words that I got from you