Evil Cinna-Bun Rena

Baby it was your birthday yesterday. I was traveling out side of the country so I bought a cake at Taiwan and had to celebrate there. 
          
          Microsoft one drive popped up a memory that morning and several pictures that we took on 2013 popped up. I teared right away and also tried to get access to the drive immediately. These are precious pictures we took together. I remembered on this day, I took you and your brother to the Navy Pier. And these pictures were taken from the Ferris wheel. You were so beautiful cute and happy. I was holding you. My baby, how I wish I could see you and hold you like that! My baby! Miss you sooo much. Love you, baby! Happy birthday, you would have got to 17 already baby. 

I’m a day early this year, but I think I was a day late on the last one, so I’m making up for it. Hey Rena, I’m still here, still kicking, and still thinking about you. So happy sweet sixteen!
          
          My best friend lost someone like how we lost you about a year ago, and they had the privilege of knowing each other in person, not just through screens and occasional middle school graduations! What I’ve been through since loosing you has let me help him a lot too, so for that I am grateful. You keep giving me new ways to understand people even after so long, and I will always remember you for that fact. I don’t think it’s ever something to ‘get over’ but it gets easier to live with over time. Thank you for helping me help someone else, he really needs my help sometimes and it’s only because of you that I can be there for him like I need to be, though I wish this didn’t have to be the circumstances leading to how. 
          
          I keep putting our Celestial symbol into my artwork, in your honor. And I explain it to anyone who asks; who you are and why you’re so important. you have left an undeniable mark on my life, even though our paths only crossed for a few months. in fact, with my 18th birthday coming up in november, I’m considering getting our symbol tattooed someone on me! 
          
          I know you were so scared of being forgotten. Everyone here isn’t going to let that happen though; we haven’t so far and I don’t believe we have any intentions to change that any time soon. I love you so much, and I miss you just the same. Rest easy, birthday girl :3

Hi Rena, today’s your four year anniversary! I still don’t know what to say all these years later, so much has happened and so much has changed. But I’ve never stopped thinking about you, you always said we’d forget and I always told you we wouldn’t. And now I’m 17 years old and I still cry over you and I always will, I meant it when I said I’d never forget. 
          
          Me and some of our other buddies reconnected for a bit recently. Everyone’s doing well, and it made me so happy to see. I think we’re all in a better place than we were back then, and we still talked about your characters and you. I just read through one of our old (and admittedly cringy haha) roleplays and mannn! Like, it’s cringey but we had a VISION!!! Everything with Cinder and solstice and Will, it was great. Those are amazing memories that I’ll treasure forever. I loved roleplaying with you, I loved being your friend. 
          
          I was out on the car with my sister last night, driving home from this smoothie bowl place. And it was so, so, SO pretty outside. And it made me cry, because I wish you could see things like that. You were gone all too soon man, we were all so young. Just 12, it’s crazy.
          
          You made it into my college essay btw, losing you made a big impact on my life. I grew so scared of growing up, but now I’ve learned again that growing is worth it. And sorry if this is about to be the cheesy-est thing you’ve ever seen but now I gotta appreciate it for the both of us, you know? 
          
          I’ve gotten much better at handling this, before I couldn’t even thinking about you without having a meltdown. I would shake uncontrollably and have pins and needles all over. That night was terribly scary, and the most pain I’ve ever felt. And that ache hasn’t left, but it’s easier. I can more easily appreciate all the fun we had together instead of only seeing the pain of losing you like that.

Can not imagine it has been four years, my baby! It is just like yesterday. I can remember the every minute that day. 
          
          Baby, it is mommy’s fault to come home late. I thought you were having great time with your friend. I thought you were able to catch lots of fish like before. I thought you were preparing to celebrate your brother’s birthday dinner. 
          
          I got a note from your brother asking me to come home at 7:30pm that was why I set my alarm to get ready to get home at 7:13pm. Can you imagine bad things happened after I received the message before I head home? Just half an hour, the demon half an hour. The most horrible half an hour that you were left home by yourself, something I would never ever have done. I felt tricked. I felt set up by a trap. I felt the sky would fall when I was told you were left home by yourself. I was shocked. I was panicking. I felt hopeless…..  I called called called your phone but nobody picked up. 
          
          I wish I could fly home when I got that Wattpad message . I felt that 13 minutes is the longest minute in the whole life. But i was late. I was so late that I could not stop anything. 
          
          Man, this is a nightmare. A nightmare. Baby you left us. You left your dear mommy. You can no longer text me and tell me “I Iove you”. You can no longer watch the daily show with me. You can no longer be kissed by me and wake you up. You can no longer snuggle with me. You can no longer ask me to scratch your back and say please go to Africa or China imaging there was a map on your back. 
          
          Oh my baby, I am so jealous to see other people’s daughters since I had one before and the most beautiful one, the sweetest one and the smartest one, but I do not any more. My heart is torn whenever seeing other girls next to their mom. I wish you were here. I can only share the same space with you in the dream, if I dream of you at all.
          
          Love you baby, miss you so much. 
          

hey Rena! it’s been a little while since I visited this page; I don’t use wattpad anymore and only check it to see you here. Unfortunately, the app got rid of its messaging features and wiped the data stored there, which has left me heartbroken. I would occasionally go back and look over our conversations when I missed you and unfortunately I cannot go that anymore. 
          
          What egged me on to visit today is that I’m graduating Highschool! In an hour I’m going to walk across a stage and be done which is absolutely crazy because you were just at my middle school project presentation and now… it’s been four years. I still think about you all the time and I still miss you so, so much. 
          
          With the messages deleted, I don’t have a lot of things left from you but I do have a screenshot. Wattpad messaging system was always messed up and I would only get pop-up notifications every few times you sent a message, so I’ll never forget opening my phone and seeing Coolrena: We have triple the bees now! I laughed so much that I took a screenshot and now all these years later, I still have it. I printed it out and hate that image taped to the underneath of my cap so in a sense, you’re graduating with me! 
          
          I still love you and I still miss you. I always will.

to anyone else who might come here anytime in the future: a week ago, i got the chance to visit rena's grave, and i know that i'll have the chance to visit it again in the future. i've been thinking of compiling all the things people have said here and either writing or printing them out onto notes to leave with her the next time i get to visit. however, there's... a lot. there's a lot of things people have said, and i'm not sure if i'll even be able to share everything. so, i'll do my best to get as many messages as i can, and between now & the next time i *do* visit if anyone else writes anything i'll write them down for her. i know this page is almost like its own gravestone, in a way, but i do want to connect the two together in some way. 
          
          and to rena: hi! words are hard, and i've been struggling to type for the past while so i'll keep this short. i'm sorry things happened this way, and i wish i'd done more. because i was there, but i wasn't really *there*. at all. and i'm sorry i didn't do more. you've touched the lives of so many people, whether you were their closest friend or just a username in someone's mind, and i hope that you're doing alright wherever you are. you won't be forgotten.

season 10 has started. i wonder what you would think about it

Hey rena, a visit has been overdue, hasn't it? 
          
          Anyways, im in highschool now, and i have matured. (atleast, i'd like to imagine so) Anyways, now im doing techical theater as an extracuricualar, (My ability to spell has not changed) and i have been both a stage manager and im currently a floor manager for my school musical. (We have a bit to go before tech week though.)
          
           I have have many regets, but one of them not being able to tell you that you were one of many big  hermittpad people (Does that make sense? I could also just be putting words. ) that inspired me to write in the first place. To be honest, i barely my time in hermittpad, i mean i know i was a cringe child (Speaking on child, im pretty i was under 13, so woopsies!) I also know that people had the patience to put up with me. Looking back on it, I was too much, wasn't i? 
          
          I feel like i should share this, but Ican barely remember anyone from hermittpad, much less what they were like. However, i know that they meant alot to me at the time, (yes that includes you.) and i still remember hermittpad on occasion. Thats why in talking (Typing?) to you now, hermittpad popped into my brain. 
          
          At this point im running out of things to say, but i dont want to stop talking. (typing?) At this point ive forsaken grammer (not like ive ever used it anyways.)
          
          I just i have to go now, but i have found the last few things i want to say.
          
          Firstly, I would like to give a very late happy birthday x2
          
          Secondly, I miss you so much, i may not remember much about you, but i remember i miss you.
          
          Thirdly, i really want to revisit hermittpad, i atleast want to tie up loose ends.
          
          I suppose i have nothing else to say.
          So i guess this is farewell for now.
          
          I wish i could go back to 2019, and i wish i could go back with everything i knew now.
          Goodbye for now rena, we all miss you, that is something i feel like can never be said enough.

Baby- 
          
          I have not posted here for a while. But I miss you every single day: when I saw a baby, or when I saw a girl, or when it is a holiday, or when we travel without you. 
          
          It is 2024 but I do not want to say bye to 2023, or 2022 or 2021. I hope I can go back up 2020 to the day so I can change everything.  I wish I could stay with you that day so you would never find any opportunity to stay home by yourself.  I should have checked in and ensure you were ok when they texted me to come home by 7:30pm. If I checked I would never allow Dad take your brother out and leave you by yourself. 
          
          I should also have told you if you are not here nobody will help mommy shop for beautiful clothes, nobody will text me silly emojis as well as texts telling me she loves me…. nobody, if your brother is not available, will take care mommy when I am sick or older. This might help you change your mind? 
          
          I wanted to tell you millions of times that I love you and hug you gazillion times, and keep snuggling with you and won’t let you go, my baby. 
          
          Baby, one day in my dream of you, I was about to take you to a swimming pool to have fun but then you were kidnapped by others…  I was screaming and rushed to save you .. till I wake up finding you no where to be found. 
          
          Another day, in my dream, I was holding you in my hand and all the sudden you had some life threatening symptoms so I was freak out and tried to save you …. 
          
          All these nightmares. Even so, I was able to at least spend the time with you in these dreams. 
          
          Baby, I got your some Christmas gifts including a dress, I am imagining how tall you are now ….and your brother got you a sculpture with two dolphins, one representing him and one representing you.
          
          Miss you so much Baby. Hope you know that mommy misses you every single day. 

fuck man i really miss you