You write well but never apologize for being human. We all make mistakes but most of us learn from them.
Growing up sucks. Keep in mind that the human brain does not develop fully until about age 25 and the transition from childhood to maturity is difficult. The sudden production of hormones requires considerable adjustment and is responsible for often huge emotional over reactions. You are a perfectly normal but talented individual who will succeed.
I can suggest one thing you might try. Meditation has help me considerably.
Twice a day I sit comfortably for 15 minutes and silently repeat a meaningless word. You can use any word or sound that has no, or positive, connotations. The name of your favorite flower for example.
Meditation is a method of keeping the brain working the way you would like. Left to its own devices, the brain can make your thoughts wander all over the place and constantly remind you of things you would like to forget. At worst, it will put a little voice in your head telling you to do unhealthy things which are self destructive, like hating yourself, believing that everyone is an enemy, not eating or demanding that you use drugs.
Meditation works because it doesn't let the brain run your life, but trains it to obey your true thoughts. It has absolutely nothing to do with any religion.
The most important part of meditation is to return to the mantra (the word or sound you are repeating silently) as soon as you realize that you have stopped repeating it. You may feel a surge of elation at any time. This is normal. Simply continue.
Be assured that all will turn out well. All you have to do is keep smiling, keep writing and muddle through.
Regards ziffdion
