A PART OF me knows that waiting around, hoping that Greyson will call is going to make me miserable, and yet, I spend the majority of my week doing exactly that. I've spent more time in this last week staring at my phone, hoping a notification would pop up then I have in the last four months. He's driving me crazy, and he's not even here. I'm doing this to myself, but thankfully, I have Stevie and Isla to distract me from my aching heart and celebrate the start of a new year.
"How is it that we're only a few days away from having to go back to school?" Isla pouts as she settles onto the couch next to me in her fluffy pink lounge set, setting the big bowl of buttery popcorn in my lap. "Break was way too short."
"I second that," Stevie says as she steps out of my kitchen looking like a ray of sunshine in the matching yellow set I got her for Christmas. Her blonde hair pulled back in a high ponytail with a scrunchie as she holds the three glasses sandwiched between her fingers out to us, offering each one of us a drink. "Where are your mom and Isaiah, Robby?"
"Mom's on a date, and Isaiah's spending the night with his friends," I say as she sinks in next to me. "Are you sure you want to be spending tonight with me instead of with Felix?"
"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else," she says with a smile, leaning into my shoulder. "There is nothing better than hanging out with my two favourite people."
"I believe we're fifth and sixth on that totem pole," I nudge her back.
"Oh, hush," she says as she takes a handful of popcorn and stuffs it in her mouth at the sound of the doorbell. "I'll get it."
"Please tell me that's the pizza," Isla begs as Stevie heads for the foyer, just off the living room where we're fully intending to spend the night, binging a movie marathon. The best way to ring in the New Year with my best friends, in comfy clothes with junk food and cheesy rom-coms. There is no other way I'd want to spend it, except the thought of being with Greyson floods my thoughts and downs my mood.
"You need to stop thinking about him."
I turn my head, my cheeks flushing. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Yes, you do." Isla takes the bowl from my lap, leaning forward to set it on the coffee table with her drink. "You're making your Greyson face."
"I don't have a Greyson face."
"Yes, you do!" Stevie calls from the foyer as she opens the door, but greeting the pizza guy with a smile as she extends out two twenty dollar bills for the pizza. "Thank you! Have a good new year," she tells him before shutting the door and walking back towards us in the living room. "You absolutely have a Greyson face," she says, jumping right back in as she sets the pizza on the coffee table.
"You're both insane," I say, shaking my head.
"We're not the one that's been moping around for the last two weeks," Isla says. "Robyn, it's okay to miss him you know."
"I just..." I trail off. "I guess I was expecting him to want me as much as I want him."
"He does," Stevie says. "Trust me. My brother is just an idiot."
"What if we don't fix this?" I ask. "What if I only get that small taste of what a relationship could be like with him and then... this."
"Would you change it if you could?" Isla asks. "Go back and take it back?"
The weight of her question is heavier than I want it to be. It's been weeks and I've been asking myself that very question every second of each day. I thought my answer would immediately be no. I don't regret Greyson, and the truth is, I don't, but there is a part of me that was crushed by him, too. The me before, the one that dated Chase, would have buried it, but I can't do that with Greyson. He showed me what could be really good, and that's not something I'm willing to go back on.
So maybe he won't be my happy ever after, and maybe I don't even believe in those. Maybe I believe in the hiccups to becoming better, but I know now what's feels right. Even if I end up with my heart expose.
I know what I deserve.
Greyson gave that to me, so how could I ever regret anything between us?
"No," I say and pull my knees up to my chest. "I don't. I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat for just another second of that feeling I got when I was with him."
There's a weak smile on her face until a gentle knock at my front door distracts us from our conversation. I drop my feet to the carpeted floor as I get up, smoothing my hand over the waistband of my leggings before fixing the matching lilac cardigan.
"I better get that," I say as I head for the door, reaching for the door handle. I don't know who I'm expecting to be behind the door, maybe Isaiah, having forgotten his key and something else, but when I open the door, I find nothing but a head of blond hair. "Greyson?"
"Hi," he say, pausing in his pacing as he lifts his head to look at me. He looks tired, more tired than I've ever seen him, but there's warmth in his eyes and it still gives me butterflies. "I'm in a bit of a situation."
My lips part to ask what he's talking about, but before I can say anything, he cuts me off.
"I had this really amazing girl in my life and I let her slip through my fingers."
Warmth spreads through my chest at his words, taking me back to my first day in his apartment. When I stood outside his door, a shy smile on my lips as I told him I was in a bit of a situation. Now our roles are reversed, and he's staring at me with the same hope I had in mine that day, just hoping I won't turn him away.
"Grey—"
"Wait," he says, and holds his hand up, stopping me. "Just let me get this out before you tell me to get lost."
I want to argue, but instead press my lips together as he straightens his stance and brushes his hair out of his eyes. Everything in me is screaming to step forward and take control of this conversation, but I force myself to stay quiet and let him talk.
"I never should have let you walk out of the apartment," he says, and I stand a little taller as I grip the doorknob in my hand. "I'm a coward, Robyn. It took me four years to figure out I wanted to do music, and it wasn't until you that I found the courage to admit that I wanted more than producing music. My whole life changed when you showed up at my apartment, and I thought keeping our relationship close to my heart was going to make everything easier. That by somehow acting like you weren't the only thing on my mind when we were outside the apartment, that I wouldn't lose you, but I should have known better."
There's a sincerity in his voice that makes it easier to know he means every word he's saying, and as I pull on the sleeves of my cardigan, I lose focus. I forget that my friends are in the living room a few feet away. It's just him.
"Your bravery is contagious," he says. "You are wholeheartedly yourself at every point of the day, and nothing, and nobody changes that. I am so envious of how aware of your worth you are, and I didn't give you the respect you deserved. There is nothing about you, and my feelings for you that I should ever feel the need to hide, but it's because I care about you so much that the thought of losing you was worse than anything I could ever imagine. I thought I was making the right decisions when it came to you, but I wasn't even close."
"Greyson..."
"No amount of words is going to fix me not showing up when I said I would. You are quite possibly the most understanding and supportive woman I've ever met. All you ever wanted for me was to be happy, and to have my dreams. You pushed me to get them and nothing I have now would even be there if it wasn't for your encouragement." He moves his hand, almost like he's reaching for me but quickly moves it back to his side. "I didn't deserve you, but I am so completely in love with you, Robyn, that I will spend every day proving to you that I can."
My heart races at his confession and every inch of my skin feels like it's on fire. We were never going to be perfect, but we're damn near close.
Relationships take work, and compromising, and understanding, and it's all worth it for the look in his eyes. I've never felt more adored then in this very moment.
I bite back a smile as my gaze moves to the living room, and the fact that Stevie and Isla are trying to make themselves look busy to hide the fact they've been listening to every word. I turn my head back to Greyson, and the vulnerability written in his eyes as I lift my hand, resting it on his chest as I take a step forward.
"We should talk outside," I say as he takes a step back, reaching for the door to close it behind us. When it clicks shut, I move my hand to the ends of my cardigan and straighten them out as my eyes move to my bare feet on the front mat. "If you had let me talk," I say as I lift my gaze to meet his eyes. "I would have said I love you."
"I'm an idiot."
"Yeah, you are!" Stevie shouts from the open window and a laugh falls from my lips as I turn my head, finding the two of them pressed up to the front window. Greyson drops his head, shaking it as I turn to face him again.
"But only a little bit," I say as I hold my thumb and index up, showing the small space between them.
His lips curl up into the wide smile that makes my knees weak as he moves his hand up to rest on my neck, his thumb grazing my skin. "That makes me feel so much better."
"It should." I grin up at him. "If you were really smart, you'd kiss me right now."
"Gladly," he whispers as he leans down, his lips softly brushing mine before he leans in all the way. The tips of my toes curl as I lean up, grasping at the fabric of his shirt. Everything sinks together, and it all feels right again. His lips soft against mine, and I don't know how I ever thought I'd get over this feeling. This warmth and excitement. "I promise to be on my best behavior from here on out," he says as he leans his forehead against mine, brushing his thumb over my bottom lip.
"You know better than to make promises you can't keep."