D E A N
Half an hour later, Miracle follows him closely as Dean walks into the kitchen, smiling at the smell of bacon filling the room. His brother is already seated at the table, waiting for him. At the sight of Dean and Miracle, Sam smiles before pouring a cup of coffee and placing it by Dean's seat. Then he places a plate of food by his feet and Miracle happily leaps across the floor to devour the food.
«Morning, bro.» Dean follows, reaching for the bacon already before he has gotten his ass on the chair.
«Hey. How you feeling?» Sam asks sipping at his coffee.
«I feel wonderful» he answers his brother, but his face, his eyes, his whole body, tells a different story. And Dean knows Sam sees right through the mask he doesn't even bother to make an effort on.
«Okay... Ehm... Dean, I wanted to ask you something.» Dean can feel his whole body tensing up at the words, knowing that if Sam asks about it he won't be able to handle it. But Sam, luckily knows his brother too well when it comes to how Dean handles these things. Sam learned a long time ago there was no point in forcing Dean to talk about that, but he somehow manages to wrap all of that into something else. «Eileen found a case that she wanted to look into, and I was wondering if it were okay with you if I joined her?»
«Of course, Sammy,» he stares into his coffee, relief clearly passing over Dean's face and he knows that his brother notices. «That would probably be good for the both of you, to get out and away for a while. Just working a good old fashioned hunt, without the whole world being at stake»
«Yeah. Would you be okay though, staying here all alone for a while?»
«Sure. Of course. You don't have to worry about me, Sammy! Go have some fun with your girlfriend.» At that Sam gives him a skeptical and knowing look. Sam knows how Dean handles losing people he loves. It's not pretty. Especially not when he loses him. «Seriously, Sam. I'll be okay.»
«We have also been talking about maybe seeking out some of the hunters we know are alone or has lost people, leaving them alone. You know we talked about maybe bringing some of the lone hunters here. Especially the young ones.» Sam had brought up the idea some time ago. Wanting to gather and establish some kind of hunter community. Dean thought it was a great idea, he just wasn't sure if he wanted to be at the forefront of it all. Not anymore.
«I think that would be nice,» he gives his brother a tired smile, but this time his smile actually reaches his eyes too. «I know you have wanted to organize and help hunters for a long time, and I think you and Eileen will do a great job with 'em.» Sam smiles at that.
«Yeah, I hope so. After you and I talked about hunting and Eileen moving here, I asked her if she would like to move here, since she's already here so often, and she was over the moon with joy. And then we started talking about visiting the other young hunters, inviting them to move here. The bunker is way too big for just the fiv... ehm... three of us.» Although he quickly hides the words, Dean's heart stings as Sam slips up. They were supposed to be five. They were supposed to have Cas here. They were supposed to have Jack here. But in the end, it was just the two brothers and Eileen.
«It will be good to have some more life here.»
«So, if we could get 'em here we could start sharing everything left over from the days of the Men of letters. There is way too much knowledge here for only us to keep. New and future generations of hunters should have a fair chance now that we know that anything can happen, even with Jack as the new God trying to make paradise.» Sam says wistfully as he finishes his breakfast.
«When are you guys leaving?» Dean asks, not wanting to talk about Cas or Jack.
«She's coming over later today with some of her stuff, and then we'll leave first thing in the morning.»
«That's great!» Dean, having eaten his bacon, raises to clean the table. «I think I'm gonna go work on baby and maybe go for a drive later when she's ready. Of course, I'm gonna bring you too Mir, you know I won't leave you,» he finishes as the dog playfully runs through his feet on the way to the counter.
«You... you could come with us. If you want to.»
«I'm not going anywhere...» 'until I've found Cas' hangs in the air between them but he can't say it. Dean hates the way feelings just screws you up and makes everything so much harder. The last thing he wanted to do was go hunting. Dean just felt done with hunting. He felt ready to just... stop. He said he wouldn't go anywhere hunting now, but deep down he knew he meant he didn't want to anywhere hunting after he'd gotten Cas back either. He had been thinking about his future for a while now, and what he wanted to do, now that the big-bad-God was gone.
Dean had always believed his life would only consist of hunting, and being a big brother. But lately, he had started to imagine what his life could be like if he started living it, instead of just watching it. The thought had been slowly creeping up on his for the past year, and the more he imagined a peaceful life, a life where he could just simply be. Simply live. He realized he wanted that more than anything.
He didn't really know how to tell Sam all of this. Sam had been the one to want a normal life, but now he was the one who wanted to be a hunter. Dean had been the one who wanted to spend his life hunting, or at least he was the one destined to be a hunter, but now all he wanted was a peaceful life. Not normal, his life would never be normal. But peaceful. He wanted to know how a peaceful life would look like.
'I want to live. I want to love. I'm ready to start living my life', Dean thinks, but he's just not quite sure how to say it out loud.
At the look his brother gives him, he adds, a little too harsh «I don't wanna talk about it so stop looking at me like that.»
Dean almost feels bad leaving the kitchen with that tone, but he knows his brother knows. And that almost makes it even worse. Almost.
***
The darkness of the garage blinds him after having spent hours in the late afternoon sun, driving around with nowhere as a goal. Dean parks Baby on her usual spot, the main spot at the center, of the bunkers first level where all the cars are kept. His eyes fall to the far corner where the light is even dimmer than where he sits in the impala, where a car is hidden behind some tool cabinets. The gold-colored 1978 Lincoln Continental Mark V was covered up with a white sheet years ago. The car hadn't been used for a long time, and Dean doesn't even know if anyone else knows it's there. After Cas was freed from Lucifer, he made no effort to recover the car, but Dean had brought it home anyway, without anyone knowing. Cas had eventually replaced it by using other trucks, some stolen, some from the bunker's garage.
Dean doesn't know why he even bothered with bringing the stupid car here since Cas didn't care enough to fix it. But Dean had still brought it home. He hasn't touched it since he parked it there, but now he almost wants to start fixing it up again, just to be able to have something to do, something that still felt like Cas. That's probably why he had it here, to have something of Cas's. It's stupid really, but now he's glad he did. It almost makes him smile as he leaves the impala.
There are many other beautiful cars left over from when before the Winchesters made the bunker their own. They aren't enough to fill the entire garage, but they are still an impressive collection. He hasn't driven any of them yet, except the Lincoln, and he once took out a blue 1955 Chevy Bell Air. But that was only because his girl needed an oil change, and he couldn't find the right type of oil in the bunker. No way did that blueberry even compare to his 67' Impala. No way.
A red 1971 Plymouth Valiant is also parked close to the entrance, and Dean smiles as he walks down to the bunkers next level, hearing quiet laughter. Sam and Eileen are seated in the library, both looking at something on a computer.
«Heya, Sammy. Eileen.» He smiles as they walk down the stairs, joining them at the table.
«Hello, Dean. How was your ride?» Eileen asks smiling up at her boyfriend's big brother.
«Way too short! It's such a beautiful day today, but I didn't wanna wear out my Baby on her first ride in weeks, although I know she would handle it perfectly.»
«So you manage to replace the... brake-thingy-part that made that weird sound?»
«The break pads, yes. It's no trouble as long as I have the right parts, which can be hard to get a hold of when I need original parts. I don't want no fake crap for my girl.»
«Of course not.» Sam smiles at Eileen. «So, what are you up to now?»
«I was thinking about maybe taking a nap, and then later after my nap I was thinking about taking a nap, and then maybe a nap after that» he grins at his brother as he raises from the chair.
«Ha-ha.» Sam mocks.
«I'll be in my room,» He turns and looks at the couple before heading for the kitchen to find some snack, «let me know when you leave.»
***
«Hey Dean?!» Sam calls after him as he catches up with him in the hall, as Dean is about to enter his bedroom, «I... I need to talk to you about something.»
///
AN:
this is probably shitty but this is my therapy now, so if you've read this far, thank you!
Since Christmas is right around the corner, I probably won't have the time to update in a few days... I got one more chapter in my drafts, but I'm not happy with it atm, but I'll try to update this weekend.
!!! the story will first be updated on ao3, but I will try to update it here too as soon as I can. !!!