Through clenched teeth, I let out a grunt, thrusting myself forward against his arms that sat just under the bones in my ribcage. Maybe it was that his arms were too tight, or that I was too weak. Either way, there was no chance at me getting out of this hold this time.
"God damn it, just put me down." I huffed, accepting defeat.
"Throw your hands down, baby. Come on, don't be 'fraid to use all your body force. All the way down." Chris set me down to the lush grass to allow me a moment to breathe. He knew just as well as I did how bad his arms were digging into me.
"There's no use. It's the same thing as the chokehold. It took me so many tries to get out of it that I-"
"But you managed to do it." There was a hopeful look in his eyes as spoke, nodding slowly to affirm it was true. "Didn't you?"
"I don't know how many times I have to tell you, I cannot swing myself down hard enough to reach your ankle, Christian. This is impossible for me."
"It's not impossible to do at all if you do it right." His breath came out in short grunts as he wiped beads of sweat from his brow.
"If you're saying I did something wrong then just tell me. We've been out here for almost two hours already and the sun is frying me."
"Do you know what you did wrong?" He brought his water bottle up to his mouth and drained the entire thing in record time. "Go over the steps."
Someone rushes me from behind, and they're successful in grabbing me in their arms. While in their hold I have to-
"Out loud please?"
"Hook my foot behind your knee, throw my arms up so I have enough force to bend you, and then I grab your ankle."
"Right. What next?"
"If I'm successful? I can tell you what happens if I'm not. Do you want that?" I almost couldn't do it anymore. Hanging on the edge of my own strength, doubt was the easiest emotion to strike me.
"Always assume you're gonna be successful."
"Then I pull their foot so they'll land on their back. After I get them down, I'll sit on their knee and snap the leg."
"So what did you forget to do?"
"Hook my foot behind your knee."
He nodded, ignoring my smug tone. "You've gotta put pressure onto it so it'll weaken the leg."
"I'm just scared it'll hurt your back when you hit the ground."
"You won't, I promise, plus it's just practice. We're taking it slow."
"Let's just get this over with." There was an obvious distance between us, and I knew I was the reason behind it. I couldn't stand another moment of faking that everything is- and will be okay.
"You've got this, just remember to level your breathing." Standing behind me, he waited until I was in position, ready to be yanked into his arms.
"Ready." I took my stance, standing firm but pretending to be unaware. To make it as real as possible.
The very moment that my feet left the ground, my instincts told me to flail. To push against his forearms and be free. Yet, there was a sort of fire lit inside me now that encouraged me to get through this move, to perform a simple takedown in order to potentially help save my life one day.
Or maybe I just wanted to get this shit over with.
Almost a whole month in workouts and training was running me down into the ground. Chris has so much hope, putting every ounce of effort in all that he does. His most kept promise.
Focus.
"Hook," I spoke quietly, beginning a mental checklist of the steps to achieve the intended outcome. My foot looped around his leg, pressing hard into the back of his knee with my toes.
Not easy in the slightest.
As much as I was aware this was only a rehearsed scenario, the fear behind it could easily hold me back. Chris made it to be as believable as he could while being able to leave room for me to learn and understand.
Fuck, he wasn't going down.
Gently jerking from side to side as he pulled me back planted me directly in a mindset to panic. It was an understatement to say that he was stronger than me. Hell, dare I say he could be tougher than Marcello.
I need to be able to kick that leg out from under him.
With a heaving grunt, sucking in air for a mighty effort, I thrust my foot back and kicked my toes into the tendons behind his knee. As his leg began to cripple below him, I felt my opportunity to transition into my next step.
Clasping my hands together, I raised them above my head before lunging myself down, doubling over with all of my strength. The force of coming down brought him down with me, just enough reach for me to take hold of his ankle.
"Yes!" He grunted out a quick word of encouragement before I pulled his leg out from under him, sending him to the ground in a heap. "That's how you do it!"
My moment of triumph was short-lived, as I rationalized the situation. It would never feel like this with Marcello. There would be no coaching and absolutely no praise in the success of a takedown.
The reality is so much worse. I'm sure Marcello wouldn't even bother with restraining me. At least with force.
His style would most likely include a syringe containing his sedative of choice.
"Bri!" Chris rolled over in the grass, looking up at me with a gallant smile. "You did it, aren't you happy?"
"This is all bullshit." Under my breath, I muttered a string of negative remarks while collecting my things.
Why did he think this was going to work? Why did he have it in his mind that this training would be useful?
His irritation was made very clear as I watched his smile drop and a somber stare. "Couldn't hear you."
"I think you heard just fine."
"Briel." He sighed, peeling himself off of the sticky grass to stand beside me. "I thought you wanted to do this. You asked me to help you practice-"
"Oh, don't make it all about you now, Chris. Like I begged and begged you to drag yourself out here and-"
"What went wrong, Bri?" He wiped his palms down the front of his face and groaned. "You did-"
"See- there you go; 'you did great.' Like I've actually learned a fucking thing. Something useful against him. 'So amazing, Peach, you got this!' Bullshit."
I don't want to be mad.
I don't want to lash out at him.
"Don't mock me, Briel." His jaw snapped closed, tightening as he clenched his teeth in frustration.
"What, Chris? Do you honestly think that this will work for me? Like It'll run smoothly? There isn't any point to this. Once he has me I'm gone." I could feel my self-control slipping with every word that I heaved out, my hands waving at my sides as my knees shook mercilessly. "There won't be an option to 'try again, baby' because I'll be fucking dead-"
"ENOUGH!" He shouted, sending his plastic water bottle across the yard in the heat of his rage. "Everything, Briel- I'm doing everything I can do. Day after day, I pull my God damn guts out for you to keep you okay-"
"Why don't you fucking give up?" I screamed back, throwing my bottle to match his level of intensity. Taking bold steps up to him, I cast a threatening glare up at him, shoving my palms into his chest with every word. "If it's so hard, give up. That's what you want isn't it?"
"I'm trying!" He boomed, grabbing hold of my shoulders with a gentle shake. "Can't you see it? Briel, if I'm gonna pull the rope, you have to hold on."
"He's going to kill me, Christian!" After one final smack of my closed fist against his chest, I broke down. Anger quickly shifting into hysteria, I collapsed into his arms and wailed. "How am I supposed to-"
"I know you're scared, and I want to take it away. I'm trying so hard, it's tearin' me apart. Twelve cameras, a fucking tracker on your car, weeks of physical training- Bri, I'm trying so god damn hard." Though his voice was steady and composed, I could feel his body shake with tremors of ferocity.
"But-"
"I'm here with you every day. Running on fumes to keep you here with me. Ignoring the consequences of the risks I take, because fuckin'-a, Briel, I'd do anything to keep you alive."
"I know," I stuttered, beginning to realize how my outburst affected him. I had to wonder how many times he's had to say this only for me to blindly ignore it and move on. "I know."
"I wish you meant that."
"Maybe we both need to try harder." I bit out, pushing away from his hold. My words were spoken without thought, and I almost instantly regretted them.
How could I say that?
"Then let me try. Stop crushing down every effort I make. Please, just fucking believe in me."
"I've had enough of this today." I gulped, noting the gradual rise of his tone.
"You're just gonna walk away? Just done?" He raged, watching as I strode back to the house.
"I have work." It was an easy excuse. "You know that."
"'Cause fuck how I feel, right?" Yelling louder than ever, the pain in his voice nearly halted me in my tracks.
"We'll be fine. Always are." Before climbing the porch steps, I turned to look at where I'd left him in the yard. "Unless you finally want to leave."
I don't know what had possessed me to act in such a way. What compelled me to speak like that to him? My own words stung at my chest, causing me an emotional pain that I was realizing I might deserve.
He didn't.
With a heavy heart full of guilt, I entered the house, jumping in place as he let out an agonized, "Fuck."
-
"Can't people just shut the fuck up?"
"What?" Kitty giggled, leaning over in her barstool as she sipped on her vodka cranberry.
"Five lap dances and every single one of them had something shitty to say."
"Oh yeah," she blinked her heavy eyelashes quickly while nodding. "They're all misogynistic pigs who sexually romanticize women. But we're here for a reason, am I right?"
How could she say that like it was a joke?
Feeling disgusted, I stepped away from my barstool as she cackled. "I'm gonna go get ready for my set."
"Yay! So fun. Maybe you can help teach Miss Coco some new pole tricks. She knows a wet noodle could move better than her."
I felt frozen, almost completely numb, staring out into the small crowd of vile men that I would soon have to please. Nodding robotically, I turned to her and forced a smile. "Yeah, sure."
"Teach her a real trick. Bow and arrow or something! God, could you imagine?"
"You might want to lay off of the drinks." I made a decent attempt at trying to be casual but I couldn't stop peering over my shoulder.
At any moment he could walk in. Anyone could.
The bass-thumping music vibrated the stage underneath my 8-inch platform heels, a sensation that has grown to make me feel queasy.
Masking it was becoming harder now, as my mind was ejected from its previous way of functioning. I couldn't keep my thoughts organized as I walked Coco through some moderately challenging moves.
Don't get me wrong, the crowd was loving every moment of this stage duo. That was reflected through their generous tips that we were raking in.
And the overwhelming stench of spilled booze.
What had I become? To feel this hollow and fragile, looking over my shoulder to catch a glimpse of eyes that I swear were lingering on my back.
He was never there anymore, and that only made it more sickening. This is no way to live, dwelling on mind-bending fear while standing half-naked on a stage to collect my earnings.
Why do I always feel him behind me?
"How do you not break your wrist sitting on it like that?" Coco whispered to me as I spun through the move she was having the most trouble with.
"Your weight is supported on your thigh."
Already defeated, she sashayed herself around the pole, clacking her heels as she walked. "My thighs are already so bruised."
"You wanted to learn 'hello boys'." I shrugged, snaking myself down the poll in a smooth body roll. "That's how you do it."
"Can you show me one more time?"
With a heavy sigh, I readied myself to mount the pole, taking a look out on the crowd to see what we were working with.
Everything was normal.
Except...
"Did you see that?" I gasped, pulling off of the pole as I watched a tall figure slip away from the crowd. Almost exactly like him. That walk was unmistakable.
What was that? Was he wearing a mask?
"Are you gonna show me?" She laughed, unaware of anything I had just said to her.
"There was a- someone with a mask." Frozen in place with my heart flying out of my chest, I felt the room creep in around me. Voices and faces turning to white noise around me, heavy static.
"I didn't see- Hey there's Candy!" Coco beamed down at her as she sauntered around the room.
So skinny.
Out of her mind high.
"Look what I learned!" Coco jumped herself up onto the pole and strained herself to sit with her legs out straight.
"Keep your core tight." Candy and I said in unison, meeting each other's tired eyes.
She knew that I knew she was wired. The days of missed sleep were spent binging on coke. There was no disguising it. Her hollowed in cheekbones were so defined she was practically a skeleton. Skin and bones, reduced to dust.
She was the first to look away, dropping her eyes down to her feet before walking on to circle the floor. She hadn't just given up on herself, she had given up on anything and everything around her.
We were both too far gone.
Who was she anymore?
Who were we?
As the music on our third stage set ended, Coco and I picked up the bills we had worked for and took our leave to try to sneak in a break.
Her break involved sharing a fresh vodka cranberry with Kitty, while mine consisted of sobbing alone in the back room. Where he took a part of me.
But no matter how hard I cried, there was no bringing that girl back.
-
Did it matter to me that people were looking at me like a crazy woman? No. I couldn't shake the looming feeling of being watched, followed, stalked.
A tingling sensation at the base of my spine traveled up until I was paralyzed with fright. I could swear on anything that there was trouble lurking around Honeys, but not one person could confirm.
You need sleep.
You need water.
Have you eaten anything today?
What did any of that have to do with the fact that they were watching me?
This wasn't in my head.
Was it?
My only comfort was to return home where Chris waited for me to get off. Surrounded by the security of the many camera he had set up in and around the house, I had a small shred of piece of mind.
Once I was sure that it was safe for me to leave my car, I clutched to my keys for protection and scurried up to the porch. There was no telling who could be lurking in the dark, and how far away they might be.
For extra reassurance, I peered up at the camera that faced outwards on the porch to confirm that it was rolling.
I was no stranger to a red blinking light.
This camera was not working.
Shit.
Rushing like a venomous snake lurked behind me, I threw myself inside and slammed the door shut.
"Chris?" I called through the living room, dropping my bags and keys by my feet.
"One sec," he greeted me, popping out from the kitchen with his cell phone pressed against his shoulder.
Delightful to be home.
It wasn't unusual that he was always preoccupied on the phone. He had to stay in touch with his crew somehow, right?
"Swap the plates and take it to the shop to strip it. That interior will have to be redone." Chris shouted out loud commands, obviously annoyed with whatever situation he had on his hands. With all of the gruesome details I've overheard him discussing in these calls, he stopped bothering to hide them from me. Almost nothing could phase me. "You fucking call Cruz and explain this bullshit because you fuckin' best believe I ain't gonna do it."
Dinner was waiting for me at the table, steam slowly rising from the fried rice that he had prepared. A delicious sight for my non-existent appetite.
"How're you doing, princess?" He asked, leaning against the fridge with a distant look in his eyes.
"I think I'm being followed."
With a short nod, he dropped his head back and sighed. "I had four people watching Honeys."
"No, you don't understand," I argued, beginning to pace the length of the kitchen. "Nobody understands. All Night, Chris. I've felt it all night."
"Briel,"
"I heard footsteps behind me, and- and there are men in suits and masks. Don't tell me that there-"
"Bri!" He shouted, covering his face as he slid down the fridge to sit on the tile floor.
Gasping at the surprise of his outburst, my hand flew to my heart, shaking as I watched him try to contain himself. "What's the matter?"
"They really fucked up this time." He was shaking now, turning red as he growled out every word.
"Who did? Your-"
"Three of our guys shot someone who I'm fairly confident was a DEA agent. A fucking cop, Briel."
"How do you know he was a cop? Was he onto you? Are you sure-"
"Sure as the wires that they found on him."
"Oh my God," I whispered in shock, analyzing his anger grow like a wild flame. "What does this mean? What are you going to do?"
"He's been in the warehouse. He knew practically everything." Without a warning, Chris shot up off the floor with a curse and sparked a half-smoked cigarette. "It's bad. Very fucking bad."
"Does your boss know?"
"He does now."
I watched in silence as he lifted a chilled bottle of Makers Mark to his mouth and began dumping it down. I knew without having to ask, the man was already so many drinks in. Practically swimming in alcohol at this point.
"Are you going to get caught? Chris, I'm scared."
"Not if I start handling this." He slammed a now empty bottle back to the counter and met me with flaming eyes. "I can't win. Every move I make is met with the same kind of bullshit."
"Should you call your boss?"
"He'll call when he's ready." He wiped the booze from his lips and bent over the counter, rubbing at his eyelids. "Fuck, Briel. I'm being torn apart here."
"Is there-"
"Tell me why- for fucks sake- tell me why there's such a high price on keeping you safe?" He shouted, pounding his closed fist against the countertop.
One...two...three times.
"Hey!" I yelped, flinching as he boomed.
"This is my fault- they said! I'm not managing my priorities as I should. As if you aren't my biggest and only priority. God damn it!"
"They're seriously blaming you for-"
In a fit of rage, Chris swiped the bottle from the counter, shattering it against the far wall.
"Every move I make is the wrong one."
"Please, baby," I pleaded, holding my hands out to restrain him if I needed to. "Can we-"
Before I had a chance at calming him down, his cell phone was already buzzing against the tile on the glass shattered floor.
"You need to be quiet, you hear me?" Chris snapped, lunging forward to retrieve his phone. "Ambriella. Answer me."
"Yes." I shuddered, stepping back away from him. Like a fired-up bull in the ring, there was no control. No taming him whatsoever.
"Tell me something nice." He answered, squishing his now dead cigarette between his fingers.
Whoever was on the other line with him did not seem to have pleasant news for Chris, and he wrote that aggression on his face like it was a book.
What will I do if he's locked up? Put away to rot in prison with no way to-
Is this the end for us?
"How can you tell me I'm distracted? You fucking bastard. To put this on me? I don't control your shit in Mexico-" dark veins protruded from Chris's red face, bulging with every loud boom of his voice. "You and I both know that this is no-"
What did Mexico have to do with anything?
"After everything, you're gonna tell me this is a fucking goose hunt? Foolish? You fuckin' prick!"
I quickly realized that Chris had met a higher point in his fury, a silent one. Holding deathly still as he soaked up every word being said, breaking it down and picking it apart for the perfect response. Or action. His only tell was the slight shake in his ready hand as it balled in a tight fist.
"No- don't you hang up on me, you bitch-" Tearing his now silent cell phone from his ear, Chris huffed out a heavy series of pants before chucking his phone against the wall beside the broken glass bottle. "Fuck!" He howled, kicking the shattered bits of his phone.
"Christian!" I matched him, lunging in front of him before his fist made contact with the wall in front of him.
Boxing me in between him and the wall, focused on me with giant eyes, his lip trembled as he growled out his words. "You- I almost hit you! Why would you jump in front of me like that?"
"Just stop, okay? Talk to me. What did your boss say?"
Letting out a vicious grunt, Chris stepped away from me and tore his keys off the counter. "I'll be back. Gonna go to the Brick."
"What?" I shrieked after him, trailing on his heel as he stormed out of the house. "You can't leave! Don't just-"
"They want me to go to Mexico, Briel. I leave tomorrow." The deep emotion set into his raging tone sent a grim feeling over me. He knew just as well as I did. "I have to relocate the mother fuckin' lab down there."
"What do you mean? Why- Where did-" I stammered frantically, fighting for a chance to make him stay. "Please don't leave, Chris. Where are you leaving-"
"Stay inside." Not seconds after climbing into his truck, and he was already backing out from the driveway. "I'll be back before I have to leave."
"It's past midnight, Chris!" No amount of kicking and screaming would make him stop now. "Oh my god, don't leave!"
It was all a lost cause.
I could tell myself that everything would be okay until I turn purple, but nothing would change what was made to be. There was no happy ending. The reality that I'll have to face tonight will be a dark and lonely home, waiting with my heavy sorrows until the man I love comes back.
Wherever he is going.
The bar?
Mexico?
Would he ever be back?
Will I still be here?
-
*mwah*
🍑