"I'm so sorry, Joe," Taylor said as they walked back to the car. "I'm so sorry that it's all been ruined again."
Joe pulled her into him, smiling. "Don't apologise, I've had a great time. It turns out the screaming from the top of a cliff with the person you love is actually a pretty liberating feeling." He leaned in and kissed her forehead. "I'm more than aware that this is just what it's like for you, Taylor. I know that you can't escape it. You don't have to continue telling me or apologising. Because I've said this before, but it's all irrelevant. You don't need to worry about what I think, or what I worry about. None of the rest of it matters."
This had brought her to the decision that whilst they were in London, she was going off the radar. She was going to buy a new phone, she wasn't even going to bring her old one. She didn't want to hear it. Any of it. She deserved a break. Her phone wouldn't stop vibrating in the car ride home.
First, it was Karlie, who kept trying to phone her and text her. Taylor wasn't interested in what she had to say, because what she had done was unforgivable. At this point in time, Taylor wasn't sure that she would ever find it in herself to forgive her for this pain. Then it was Scooter himself, and Taylor wasn't sure how he had the audacity to try after he'd conspired against her with who she thought was her best friend. The thought of it upset her again because she just couldn't believe that Karlie had done this. She couldn't believe that her other half, her platonic soulmate, her best friend in the universe, was a facade. It was all a mess that she was tired of cleaning up, tired of feeling as if she continually had to pick up the pieces of herself that people destroyed for fun.
Then it was Tree phoning her and her management, and pretty soon Taylor was sure that the entire world would have her phone number. She was pretty sure that the whole world knew the ins and outs of Karlie's betrayal, and she felt overwhelmed. It felt as if there wasn't anything that she could keep a secret, there wasn't anything that she could hide from the world. It was a relief to get home, drive away from the chances of being spotted by paparazzi, and get away from reality. Because Joe's apartment was a sanctuary. It was a safe haven that she'd never had before. She couldn't believe that she'd found out about this today. On Christmas Eve. With everything going on between Taylor and Adam. It truly felt as if Karlie had stabbed her with a dagger herself. It felt as if Taylor had been dragged back into the drama that she'd been trying with all her strength to avoid.
Joe walked through the front door first, and she could already tell that her family were all waiting for her.
"Taylor-" The three of them seemed to say at once. It was overwhelming, having all their attention on her. She wanted to vanish, to disappear into a hole in the ground, but she just gave a tiny smile.
"You don't even know the half of it," Taylor explained. She tried to make herself believe what had happened, but really couldn't. Her family will have only heard what Scooter was doing to her albums, they won't know what Karlie did. They walked towards the living room, where Taylor sat down on the couch with Joe beside her. She held his hand, trying once again to bite back the tears. She'd thought her friendship with Karlie would be forever. She hadn't even really planned a future without her in it. Karlie had always been the sort of friend where there was never a future without her. Taylor had never, ever imagined a time when the two of them weren't friends. Where the two of them weren't going on road trips or calling each other for hours.
"What happened?" Her father asked as he sat down in the armchair beside her.
"Well... he's keeping my first six albums because they were sold without me knowing, without even giving me the chance to buy them for myself. Even when I offered it." The worst part of it was that this didn't even hurt as much as what Karlie had done. It might have been different if Karlie hadn't helped him. "But I already kind of knew that was going to happen when I'd said I was leaving." Taylor paused, shaking her head. "I think that, as much as it makes me mad that the music I spent so long making, the music that is my right to own, is being stolen from underneath me... I think that's not even the worst part. That's not even the part that makes me the most upset," She bit her lip, trying to stop herself from breaking down in front of this room of people. "But what I didn't expect, was to read that Karlie had been telling him everything I told him. Told him my plans for future albums, everything. And she didn't even seem very sad about it." The anger burnt bright in her chest. "She said that it was my fault, that I was the one to blame." Saying the words out loud was an even harder pill to swallow, and the only thing stopping her from sobbing was the fact that Joe was clutching her hand steadily.
Her mom gasped because she'd loved Karlie too. "You're really talking about Karlie Kloss?" She said, and Taylor felt so relieved that her Mom seemed as shocked about this as she was. "She spent Christmas with us two years ago."
"Yes. She phoned me on the hike, apologising. But at that point, the rumour has already been spread and I've now got to sort out with Tree, on Christmas Eve, what I'm going to do about it." That feeling had been so right and there'd been nothing she could have done to avoid this pain.
For the rest of the day, Taylor baked. She baked cookies, cupcakes, and truffles. She kept scrolling through Pinterest and with any recipe that she liked, she saved the recipe and made it. It was nice having people to bake for. Joe kept her company, he sat watching her. Every so often she'd exclaim that she just couldn't believe what had happened. She let out a deep breath, she'd shake her head and try not to cry.
She'd already purchased a new phone because she didn't want to be tied to her work while they were on holiday. She needed to get away from it all - not just pack it all up in a suitcase and take it with her. She didn't want all of these people to have her number, and simply blocking them didn't give her the peace that she longed for. So she'd ordered a new phone which was being dropped off at Joe's apartment in a few days.
Karlie kept trying to phone her, and that really, really annoyed her. Because she didn't have to answer her. She shouldn't answer. So, she took a screenshot of Karlie's phone number before blocking it from her phone. She didn't want to hear her voice or see her again. She wouldn't deny the happiness that Karlie had brought her, but now all her memories were stained grey, and they weren't happy. Because Taylor couldn't help but wonder if all the time they'd spent together... how much of it Karlie spent making mental notes of things to tell Scooter.
After Taylor had finished baking, night was beginning to fall. She knew that she had to reply back to Tree, they had to decide what they were going to do about this. Taylor knew that she wouldn't mention Karlie to anyone that didn't need to know. She didn't want to open herself up in that way. She knew how much people loved Karlie. She knew that her fans loved their friendship, that they had captivated people. She wouldn't hurt Karlie in the same way that Karlie had hurt her - that's not the sort of person she was.
She didn't want too many people to know about this great act of betrayal. Because even though she was hurting, she wouldn't add to the fire by hurting Karlie like this. She made her way up to the piano, sitting down and finally feeling herself breathe again.
She didn't have a clue what she wanted to play, but just sitting down at the piano helped her to feel better. She was just about to play when she got a text from Joe. It was a poem about the fact that betrayal never comes from your enemies, and she could have cried at how true this was. She hadn't even thought about the fact that any number of her friends might betray her.
She'd never even considered the fact that she shouldn't tell people things because they might change their mind about their friendship. She replied to Joe, telling him thank you, and that she really needed to hear it. Because it had set her alight, and as she pressed record on her phone, she started playing a soft tune. This was how most of her songs started, her and a piano. She hadn't even added any words yet but she already felt so much better. She couldn't get the image of herself standing on that cliff edge, Karlie's voice in her ear, but knowing that it wasn't the woman she'd do anything for anymore. She thought of how she'd stood up for herself. She really did hope that her voice haunted Karlie. She really hoped that every single time she heard it, she'd think about the fact that she'd killed Taylor. She'd taken the dagger and she'd slammed it into her chest herself. It went deeper than any wound Adam could have possibly given to her. It hurt more than any bruise, cut or scar she'd ever felt. It hurt more than the words Adam would use to hurt her, it hurt more than anything she'd even been through.
She was thinking about what she said, and the words stolen lullabies sprang into her head. She couldn't believe that she was sitting right in the middle of this.
This time, when Tree phoned her, she picked up. Tree didn't know about Karlie. She didn't know that it was true.
"Taylor," Tree said to her. "Good evening."
"Yeah," Taylor almost laughed. "It's a pretty great one. It seems like we're always having to address drama at this point."
"Now, I've sent you a rough copy of what I believe, and the lawyers believe should be posted onto Instagram after all of this. There are some rumours that I haven't discussed, particularly the ones involving Karlie... I don't know if these are just rumours, or whether they're true, but-"
"We're not going to address it." Taylor paused. "There's nothing to address. It's not something I'm okay with having plastered everywhere." Taylor had always been the bigger person, and this time was no different.
"Okay, well if you've got your laptop there, you can have a look and see what I've sent you."
She felt like she was on the phone with Tree for hours when really, it was just forty-five minutes. Taylor read through what she was supposed to post and changed a few of the words so that it felt more like her, and got ready to post it.
Tree didn't bring up the rumours again, which Taylor was beyond happy about. She didn't want to have to talk about them ever again. She didn't want to ever have to bring up the hurt that Karlie had caused ever again.
She pressed post. This always stressed her out. The backlash that she was going to get from this, for standing up for herself, she knew was going to be bad. She knew that in the music industry, women with voices were disliked. She remembered when Karlie used to praise her for speaking up about issues in the music industry... until she didn't. Until she didn't. Until she wasn't calling her brave anymore and was telling her to just make peace with it all instead. Taylor should have seen the signs, she realised, that this was over long before she'd said goodbye.
"Are you alright in here?" Joe asked her, leaning against the door.
"Yeah." Taylor turned to face him, smiling.
"It's snowing outside," Joe told her, and Taylor turned to look out the window. How had she not noticed? She loved the snow. The first snow of Christmas, and it happened on the very day where Karlie had killed her. It seemed fitting.
"I just posted a response... I'm not telling anyone any answers about the rumours with Karlie. I just said that there was nothing to address." Taylor leaned into Joe and smiled when she felt his arms around him.
"I'm sorry, Taylor. There's nothing quite as painful as a friend turning into your worst enemy." Joe said into her hair. "It hurts more than just about anything else in the entire world."
"And I've been trying to write a song, but so far I've literally got a piano melody, and the words stolen lullabies, and maybe a little bit of even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe, all the - blank, I haven't figured that part out yet - you gave me." Joe smiles.
"Your mind works so fast. At least if you're feeling this pain, she's bound to be feeling it too."
"And in some ways, it's actually been good because I've barely had time to think about Adam and all of that all afternoon. I haven't thought about the bruises or anything." Joe's sentence sparked her ideas - Taylor hadn't let Karlie leave without saying things that she'd remember. She'd made sure that Karlie would know that she'd never hurt her like that. Karlie's pain had hit Taylor where it hurt most, but they'd ricocheted right off of her heart and Karlie had been hit too. She couldn't help but feel a sense of satisfaction at this fact.
"I'm proud of you." Taylor wouldn't ever get tired of him saying this to her. "Sometimes your silence can actually say more than if you were to directly call her out for what she'd done." She was so glad that Joe was here. That he'd come with her here, that he was here in this moment. "It will stand as a reminder that she never deserved you, and that you are genuinely and completely, a much better person than she is. I know that it's really hard, but you keep astounding me with all of the stuff that you can go through, and still be the loveliest person I've ever met in my whole life." He paused. "I thought, for the longest time, that I wasn't going to get to love someone and spend my days playing the piano with someone, I never expected to love someone so completely. And yet here you are, the kindest, most beautiful woman I have ever met, who gets treated so poorly by those around her - but that hasn't tainted her heart."
She let herself give him a small smile. "I love you." She leaned up and kissed him. "You can stay here if you want - I'm literally just playing around with a few things, and I know that you're great on the piano. It will probably sound a billion times better when you play it. I'd love to hear your ideas." Joe sat beside her on the bench.
"It won't sound better, you're the one with the musical talents. One day, I want to paint you sitting here, at your piano. I feel like it's a side to you that very few people actually have the privilege of seeing."
It did sound better with Joe's fingertips touching the keys. Joe played the soft tune that she'd taught him, and she felt so inspired. She loved sitting with him at the piano. She'd never really let anyone else be involved in any of the songwriting progress, but it just seemed natural to her to work on them with Joe.
She sat beside him, while her mind formed lyrics in front of her.
They spent the rest of the night, playing the piano softly until the moon had set, and the snow had settled outside.
"I'm going to put this on an album one day," Taylor said as they got into bed.
"And she'll know that it's about her, and she's going to realise that still, you never said a word." Joe wrapped her in his arms. "It's a great song, Taylor. You should be proud of it."
"It's definitely going to be a track five."
"That's what it deserves." He leaned over and pressed his lips to hers. "I love you," He said against her lips. She smiled.
"I love you." She kissed him back. She checked the time and saw that it was... thirteen minutes past midnight. She knew that this was all meant to be. Everyone always judged her for feeling such a strong connection to the number thirteen, but the universe really did have ways of making these things important. "Merry Christmas." She murmured to him, and he sighed, smiling.
"Merry Christmas, love."