1. First, computer fonts. Times New Roman or Helvetica are preferred. Documents should always be double-spaced, especially professional and academic documents.
2. Always attempt to use proper grammar. This includes such arcane topics as pronoun-antecedent agreement and proper use of punctuation; violations of the above indicate you are not properly educated.
3. Spelling should always be perfect unless you are attempting to mock someone else, and even then proper spelling should be encouraged. You will appear to be an ignorant simpleton if you do not conform to proper spelling, with the possible exception of abbreviations such as "LOL" and "LMAO." Even if you are using such media as Snapchat or Instagram, which should be avoided anyway, proper spelling demonstrates to your friends how refined and sophisticated you are.
4. Furthermore, do not hesitate to correct your friends' spelling or grammar; if they are good friends, they will appreciate your helpful feedback. Otherwise, it would be wise to find some new friends.
5. Relating to the topic of social media, all forms of social media should be avoided, with no exception. Social media is the vanguard of the sinister movement to destroy proper, moral society as we know it, and thus you should not use it. Assume that anyone who uses social media is not as smart as you are, and thus should be avoided.
6. One cause of excessive social media usage, particularly among teenagers, is the proliferation of mobile phones. A mobile phone or cell phone, whichever is your preferred term, should only be used for calling people for the sake of convenience; it is not to be used to mindlessly browse Snapchat or Reddit, or play games which contribute to the moral degradation of our society. I do concede that such games can be a good form of leisurely activity, but this behavior should not be taken to excess. If you find yourself desperately needing to contact your friends, there is no reason not to talk to them in person, as most people would do.
7. Clothing, especially in a school setting, should be relatively conservative and nice. Although there is no reason to wear dresses or suits to school unless you want to flaunt your fashionable status, there is nothing wrong with polo shirts, button-down shirts, or similar items. Avoid logos on shirts, and wear normal sweaters instead of hoodies. As for pants, jeans or slacks are generally a good choice; shorts and skirts should be reserved for hot weather, and regardless of gender should not be too short. Never wear ripped clothing; it implies you are naturally unkempt and do not care about your appearance.
8. Footwear, especially at school, should be chosen based on comfort and convenience, not appearance. However, this is a topic where people often have their own preferences, but remember to conform to the aforementioned rule of being relatively conservative and nice. There is nothing wrong with sneakers, but slippers imply you were too lazy to change into actual shoes.
9. A person's vocabulary reflects their education and intelligence; do not hesitate to use more complex vocabulary to appear more erudite. However, do not use words unless you know what they mean; it can already be perceived as embarrassing to use sophisticated vocabulary, but it is unfathomable to accidentally confuse words such as repository and suppository, or immigrate and emigrate.
10. In an academic setting, the primary focus should always be on learning; do not engage in behaviors which would prevent this. Take notes if necessary in a class, and always do homework, even if it is challenging. Never cheat or use tools such as Sparknotes, which are practically the equivalent; if you are having trouble understanding material, talk to the teacher or your classmates for assistance.
11. Read frequently to improve your mind. For fiction books, focus on classics, while for non-fiction, read books which interest you. Avoid "pop science" books unless they are extremely well written; you will not achieve true depth of knowledge by blindly reading lists of over-sensationalized facts. Do not be afraid of long, boring books; if you don't understand them, it is not due to them being too sophisticated, you are simply not thinking hard enough.
12. In subjects such as math or world languages where progress is segregated and there are multiple levels, it is extremely uncouth to lie about how capable you are in a subject; if you aren't smart enough to actually be at that level, then study hard enough until you attain that level.
13. Speaking of math, math is good. Everyone should do math.
14. It is a widely known stereotype that teenagers incessantly pepper their speech with such fillers as "like," "um," and "yeah." While this may be an unavoidable verbal tic, do attempt to minimize your usage of these words, for your speech will sound far more refined.
15. Always avoid profanity at all costs. Profanity is yet another one of the factors which is contributing to the moral decay of our society. Instead of using expletives, attempt to replace them with such colorful, but safe words as "butterfly," "cellulose," "senator," and "Bosnia-Herzegovina"; this simple substitution will mask your anger in heated conversations and project an aura of cool, calculated awesomeness.
16. Nutrition is a topic which most teenagers desperately avoid; after all, in the era of Starbucks, Tpumps, and McDonald's, how can one maintain a healthy diet? First, avoid sweetened drinks, with the possible exception of fruit juice, and even then do not drink them in excess; if you are going to have sugary drinks, you may as well ingest a healthy amount of vitamins as well. Eat whole fruit such as apples and bananas instead of their processed forms; this ensures you consume a satisfactory amount of fiber, and whole fruits have more nutrients than processed fruits anyway. Bubble tea is the scourge of the civilized world, and should be avoided at all costs. If it is unsweetened, then it may be considered as a wonderful way to enjoy tea on hot days. Refrain from consuming Frappuccinos and similar beverages, and avoid fast food unless desperate for sustenance.
17. Dessert should be avoided; if you are hungry enough for dessert, you should have had more dinner. This also applies for snacking on desserts such as ice cream; ice cream and related desserts are not substitutes for proper food. If you feel the urge to snack, eat fresh fruits and vegetables.
18. All people should aspire to get at least 8.5 hours of sleep per day, ideally closer to nine hours. It does not necessarily matter when you go to bed, but try to go to bed before 10:00, and wake up before 8:00. There is enough time in the day to do everything you need to do, even if you have numerous extracurricular commitments; if you are unable to manage your time properly, then that is your fault.
19. There are two conflicting viewpoints on having romantic relationships as a teenager; some feeble-minded people say they help develop emotional maturity, while more sensible people say that teenagers are too immature to have successful relationships and they lead directly to moral armageddon. Personally, I am of the belief that people should not date others until they are at least in junior or senior year of high school, but ideally when they are in college; this of course depends on how mature both people are. It is best to avoid all non-school related thoughts about your classmates altogether.
20. It is important to have a strong sense of moral beliefs, religious or otherwise. This means that you should not commit crimes, and always have a strong sense of justice. Do not feel afraid to right wrongs in society, for how else are we going to make society great again? Do not feel afraid to work hard and persevere, for how else are you going to improve? Do not feel afraid to be shunned by your immoral friends, for how else are you going to find success in life? The only path to success is hard work, and it is important to acknowledge this.
21. Paranoia is a sign of intelligence. Never completely trust your friends, or anyone who appears to be helpful; unsolicited gratitude is an indicator of nefarious motives. If you think someone is being too kind, there is no harm in asking why; in the best case scenario you demonstrate your intelligence, and in the worst case you now know who you cannot trust in the future.
22. Honesty is always the best policy. Even if you border on being blunt, your friends will appreciate your directness, and your interactions with others will be simplified significantly. In fact, others will admire your honesty, and want to become friends with you. Lying always reflects poorly on yourself, and should be avoided. Success in life is caused by being a paragon of virtue. Furthermore, being honest avoids deception and awkward conversations; if you want to tell somebody something which would be humiliating, honesty mitigates this factor because you will be a model human being.
23. Think of life as a video game, where you are competing against a lot of other players in pursuit of victory. Do not hesitate to take actions which improve your relative standing compared to others if it would not be detrimental to your overall success. Take advantage of opportunities where you have the opportunity to give fraudulent advice; giving fraudulent advice to others is a particularly insidious, but effective way to take advantage of others. If you feel a moral compunction against betraying your compatriots, remember that if given the opportunity, they would do the same to you.
24. A person's taste in music reflects their soul. An educated, sophisticated person spurns pop and rock music, and instead prefers to listen to jazz or classical music. A truly refined person will also enjoy opera; although some people view opera to be boring and soulless, a true aficionado will realize that opera is music of the heart, not random singers screeching high notes. It is poor form to impose your music tastes on others, however, no matter how crude theirs may be.
25. Pride is the downfall of all smart people. No matter how smart you think you are, it is a critical fallacy to assume you are smarter than others; people often belie their intelligence to mislead others. Always downplay your own accomplishments, and remember that even if you feel as if you will become famous, you probably won't. As Shakespeare said, some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. You probably are smarter than average, considering how you are reading this, but that is because greatness has been thrust upon you.
26. The concept of filial piety, or respecting one's elders, is one which used to be entrenched in our culture, but now is rejected in favor of social media, the demented spawn of a twisted, neurotic society which favors senseless tactile stimulation over sophisticated thought. In fact, the concept can be extended to a blind obedience of authority figures, ensuring a harmonious society. Teenagers are often rightfully punished for their defiance, which at the core is caused by vicious, modern culture attacking the core of our society. There is a reason why people often reminisce about the "good old days": society was more moral back then; even if there were some abominations in history, there was a refined culture which ensured everyone was happy.
27. Discipline in schools and in home is a contentious topic, although this is mainly because wimpy teenagers refuse to acknowledge that discipline breeds success, and hard work breeds happiness. The term "tiger mom" is used disparagingly, as a term of mockery for parental views which are viewed to be too strict, but this ethos of the modern day is ultimately detrimental to our society, where harsher methods of parenting are reviled and "special snowflakes" are nurtured. We live in a society where pragmatic attitudes are viewed as pessimistic and edgy, whereas sunny, unrealistic optimism is lauded as inspiring and beautiful. Discipline should forcefully mold students into model members of society, and if this means bruising a few egos, then so be it.
28. To further expand on my thesis of life being analogous to a video game, it is important to note that life is not a zero-sum game: any calamity which befalls a group will affect everyone somehow, and one person's jubilation does not necessarily equate to one person's despair. If planning for long-term victory overall, as you should, it is important to look past shallow victories and focus on long-term goals, since everyone else is also planning. If you owe someone a favor, do not think of it as a detriment; at some point they, too, will be obligated to owe you something, and at that point you prosper. Plan your actions such that they require more effort from others than from yourself; by doing this you will gain tangible benefits. However, benefits of certain courses of action may not necessarily be apparent at first glance; every cloud has a silver lining, and it is important to account for every possibility. It may seem like a pointless endeavor to help your teacher make copies, for you help your teacher while you spend your own time; however, not all actions should be undertaken to selfishly benefit yourself.
29. Despite superficially appearing to be at odds with my confrontational, analytical approach to life, altruism is necessary for a society to flourish, and unless you are a sociopath, the benefits to being nice are obvious. Not every action has to be done with a goal in mind, but if a goal can be developed from a seemingly erratic action, then it is an even greater benefit. By correcting your friends' grammar, you are helping them, but is there benefit to you? Of course there is a benefit: having smarter friends means you grow more, and through study and camaraderie bonds of friendship form. Helping others study is a selfless act, and no spirit of kindness should be observed in it except for benefiting the school community. No special favor should be assumed from giving others book recommendations, nor should tutoring be seen as a punishment instead of a boon. Altruism in a school community is positive overall.
30. It is often necessary to hold grudges against your friends or classmates, even for faults which they might perceive as slight. No matter how trivial the offense, it is important to know how your classmates' actions affect you, and it is likewise important to know how your actions affect your classmates. Too often do people underestimate how one single remark, a quick, off-hand response to a question, could influence future events. If only a few cab drivers were informed about a change to Archduke Franz Ferdinand's schedule, World War I would not have started. What a smart person must understand is that grudges and unnecessary appreciation are only consequences of the thick web of actions which define our lives. What one person perceives as a compliment may be an insult to the receiver, and a single act of generosity may cast lasting doubts which sour a relationship. Think before you speak, and if you make a mistake it is imperative that you can connect it to your overarching agenda. The largest schemes and conspiracies started as practical jokes.
31. Yet another factor in the complicated game that is life is information imbalance, which sounds complicated but is fairly simple intuitively: you are planning a surprise party for your friend, but they do not know about it. You can't hang out with them at your house because it would ruin the surprise. To your friend, you seem unusually standoffish on their birthday, which could ruin a friendship. To you, your friend is a victim of a deception, where hidden information plays a pivotal role in your interactions that day. To effectively utilize this concept in your life, you need to think about what benefits you can gain from withholding information: for instance, pretending you do not speak a language allows you the benefit of eavesdropping on others, while having the ability to grade a teacher's papers allows you to make better judgments about your classmates' academic strength, which can then be applied to other things later. By utilizing this effectively, you also have the advantage of appearing far smarter than you actually are; if you strategically share observations you have made about others at the right times, you magnify their impact and appear to be a modern-day Sherlock Holmes.
32. Deduction is not necessarily that important of a skill, but nonetheless it has numerous applications. What is often more important is the ability to make observations about your surroundings, and apply them: a logo on a backpack, somebody's friend group, somebody's shoes. There are numerous online resources on the art of deduction, but by carefully tabulating facts about a person, you build a profile which then can be applied for personal benefit later. If you are able to spot somebody's lie, or notice how somebody's posture changes around another person, then you gain an advantage in information, further highlighting the information dynamic mentioned in the preceding tip. Successful people are successful because they know enough about others to structure their own behavior to gain maximum benefit; to outsiders, their behavior seems erratic at best and maniacal at worst, but in reality they use information gained about others to make their own behavior effective.
33. Even though a lot of these tips so far have related to creating effective plans, none of them have specifically shared the structure for doing so. When concocting a scheme, one must always ascertain your end goal, who is involved/affected, and what you need to do in advance to accomplish it. For instance, if your goal is to introduce propaganda of your own creation to your classmates, first you would need to determine who are the most gullible and trusting people in your class, from which you can then create a course of action. Planning is an important skill for life, and smart people know how to create effective plans.
34. When flattering others for any reason, there is a fine balance to keep in mind: you should be nice enough to the point where they feel happy and accomplished, but do not make it so excessive where they realize your compliments are not genuine. Flattery is a wonderful way to ingratiate yourself with others, because it can be used as the foundation of all friendships. Good friends give each other undue compliments. Flattery is also a good way to make sure your enemies do not realize how much you dislike them; the nicer you are, the easier it is to disguise your hatred.
35. Studies have shown that people who walk more quickly are better in school. Regardless of how much you walk, ensure that you walk quickly. A good pace to aim for is a 16-minute mile pace; if necessary, time yourself to reach this goal. You will notice, if you watch carefully, that smart people walk fairly quickly; only people who are unmotivated slowly meander about with their friends. If you make this correction in your behavior, you will find that your academic ability will improve.
36. A wise person once said "if you are five minutes early, you are on time." However, this philosophy, even if it is somewhat accurate, needs refinement; always try to be as early as possible. This means showing up for class fifteen minutes early, and always arriving before the stated time on invitations or reservations. If people appear annoyed when you show up to events unusually early, it is because they are impressed by your punctuality. Apply this principle to all aspects of your life; for instance, always turn in homework early. It will show your teachers how dedicated you are.
37. There is no gesture more odious or reprehensible than the high-five, especially if unsolicited. It is an unnecessary transfer of pathogens, and serves no purpose other than to show how hooligan-like you are. Instead of high fives, use more hygienic methods of commendation such as fist bumps. The entertainer Howie Mandel is a practitioner of this sterile technique. A hand raised in the air should not be taken as an invitation for a high-five, and assuming it as such indicates you are very crude in your mannerisms.
38. All educated people read a great number of classics. Here is a list of some of the better books to contribute to your sophistication of mind: Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy, The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Tale of Genji by Murasaki Shikibu, Romance of the Three Kingdoms by Luo Guanzhong, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain/Samuel Clemens, A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens, War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy, The Mote in God's Eye by Larry Niven, The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka, The Joy of Work by Scott Adams, Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley, How to Reassess your Chess by Jeremy Silman, Never Gonna Let You Down by Rick Astley, How to be a Good Person by Franklin Barnes, Never Gonna Run Around and Desert You by Rick Astley, The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, Never Gonna Make You Cry by Rick Astley, Freakonomics by Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner, Never Gonna Say Goodbye by Rick Astley, Finnegans Wake by James Joyce, Ulysses by James Joyce, Never Gonna Tell a Lie and Hurt You by Rick Astley, Les Miserablés by Victor Hugo, The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas, I am America (And so can You!) by Stephen Colbert, A Citizen's Guide to Civility by Miss Manners, How I Defeated the Borg by Jean-Luc Picard, Macbeth by William Shakespeare, Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, The Odyssey by Homer Simpson, The Iliad by Homer Simpson, In Search of Lost Time by Marcel Proust, Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes, Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, An Illustrated Guide to Gotham by Bruce Wayne, Catch-22 by Joseph Heller, The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, The Bible, The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, The Koran, How to Defeat Bowser in 3 Easy Steps by Princess Toadstool, and last but not least, Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak. Only if someone reads all of these books can they be considered to be truly educated.
39. Yet another tool for becoming a smart, successful, and Machiavellian person is knowing how to obfuscate your intelligence, either emotional or intellectual. Doing this will enable you to further utilize information imbalances and heighten your level of intelligence. One effective, if obvious, method of doing this is by frequently utilizing malapropisms in your daily speech; smart people will recognize this as a sign of stupidity, and thus your staggering intelligence will remain unnoticed. Another method of doing this is by feigning knowledge of current trends or events; especially to your uneducated peers, this will be an obvious mistake. People will then assume you are either a brilliant, but misunderstood genius, or a doddering idiot who knows nothing of life. Yet another method of doing this is by flaunting your intelligence whenever possible; this can be done in a variety of ways. Here are some examples which have been used successfully before if youre in need of dire help: concocting frivolous schemes on a biweekly basis, answering every question in class even if it would be perceived as impertinent, and forgetting to use apostrophes.
40. When attempting to improve one's character, every piece of advice must be taken completely. Do not treat this guide as a cafeteria, where each maxim can be taken, examined, and uncaringly discarded if it would be unpleasant to digest. Even if you must fight hard against ingrained habits, it is important to endeavor to change all aspects of your personality to improve. You may feel as if advice is stupid; do not worry, this means that you are unable to contemplate it completely, and you should accept it to understand. Good advice is not a simple, clean statement; it is a Zen koan, where the answer is vague or even nonexistent. Be willing to untangle the knot of clarity, or even better, take a sword to the Gordian knot and cut it into ribbons.
41. Extracurricular activities must be chosen with sophistication in mind. Classic activities such as musical instruments and sports are not unique enough. Choose more interesting activities such as flower arranging and underwater basket weaving. These activities promote artistic and creative thinking, whereas mundane activities like gymnastics and soccer are mindless and crude. The Japanese art of ikebana, or sophisticated flower arranging, has centuries of culture behind it, while soccer is kicking a ball around aimlessly. Underwater basket weaving seamlessly combines the arts and physical endurance in the same activity, making it perfect. Some particularly enlightened colleges even offer it as a class.
42. One skill in society which is often neglected is cooking. In today's society, where fast food is available everywhere and food can be ordered by a tap of your finger, people have grown dependent on these tools instead of being self-sufficient. It is convenient to not always cook your own food, but you should still be able to cook your own meals aside from microwaving. If possible, take culinary classes at school or in an outside program, or even watch cooking shows on TV. These will help you learn essential skills, which are very useful for college or later life. Even if it is marginally more expensive to cook food rather than buying instant ramen noodles, you will not regret it later, and vegetables and grains can be bought cheaply at some places. It is also advisable to, if you are going to eat out frequently, diversify your meals; most cities have a great variety of different restaurants, and even if you are unaccustomed to eating some foods, it cannot hurt to try them.
43. Having good personal finance skills enables you to gain financial independence and be successful. The core of good finance skills is investing, either in bonds or in stocks. As a general rule of thumb, cheaper stocks are better to buy because they have more room for growth. If you buy ten thousand shares of a company at a penny each, and the price increases by two cents each, then you have made a massive profit. It is better to buy stocks in obscure companies, because it is less likely they will go bankrupt since their CEOs will not be assassinated as frequently. Also, there is nothing wrong with buying stocks when they are expensive; if they are expensive, it is conceivable that they could grow even more. Online stock trading simulators are a good way to practice essential financial skills.
44. Sitting in the front of the class shows the teacher how committed you are to learning. If necessary, move your desk right in front of the teacher so you fully absorb everything they say. At the end of class, give the teacher a note explaining how the day's lesson inspired you. This will show you have fully absorbed the content of their class, and you really love learning. If they find this behavior intrusive or even creepy, you should transfer classes; they probably weren't a good teacher anyway. People with bad eyesight especially should do this.
45. To further delve into smaller, less relevant topics, board games should always involve strategy and minimize luck. Chess is a classic, and not a bad choice, although personally I do not like it that much. Scrabble is a very strategic game which also builds your vocabulary, although it is not as popular as chess. I recommend it to hone your strategic skills, and as a fun game to play. Checkers is absolutely pointless; if you want to play a game on an 8x8 board, play chess instead. Dungeons & Dragons, while not strictly a board game, is a wonderful way to practice strategy while also interacting with friends.
46. Society is founded on ideas. Every revolution, every war, and every argument started with an idea. If you have a good idea, you can change the world and how you interact with others. Every successful company started with a good idea. Uber exists because someone wondered if there were alternatives to conventional taxi services. Google Drive exists because a bright worker at Google saw the dismal failures which were Pages and Microsoft Word, and wondered if there was a cloud-based method of creating documents and storing ideas. Treasure ideas as if they were your own children; do not be afraid to steal them when their owners aren't looking and keep them as your own. Sell your ideas to the highest bidder, that is, if you cannot be more successful using them yourself. Do not be afraid to waste countless hours with others trying to make successful ideas. The process may be painful, it may be fun, but after a lot of work you can have a successful idea, and use it to change the world, for better or for worse.
47. Many people would consider North Korea, or the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, to be a failed country. It has failed to make any significant technological advancements in the past twenty years, with a potential exception for intercontinental ballistic missiles and other weapons. Its citizens live in a state of propaganda-induced bliss, unable and unwilling to see anything else other than their superiority and the American imperialists causing ruin in their country. Although this alone would be enough evidence to conclude that North Korea is a failed nation, instead you should view it as a success, at least in some ways. North Korea proves that if indoctrination is conducted in all levels of society, from people being forced to venerate their dear leaders to rousing, patriotic songs being played on loudspeakers in all public areas, a personality cult can be formed successfully. It proves that national pride and patriotism is alive and well, and even in the face of adversity and hardship people can love their leaders. In your daily life, think about the many accomplishments of the Kim dynasty, and think about how you can apply their propaganda techniques to your daily life.
48. The model human being sits in the rain with soggy clothes and socks, yet refuses to use an umbrella on personal principles. The model human being watches their friends go to the movie theater to see the latest superhero movie, which they really wanted to see, but instead goes to an educational seminar at the library. The model human being sits alone during lunch at school and reads the newspaper because they know reading is the key to success. The model human being is not afraid to reprimand their classmates for breaking the rules, even if they don't think it would make a difference. Remember to commend your friends if they are model human beings.
49. Once upon a time, there were three brothers who owned a shop in a small town. One day, the youngest brother went outside and saw that three goats were tethered to the front of their shop. Because he respected his brothers, he called them outside to show them the goats. They then went back in the store so they could argue over which of the brothers would get the goats. The youngest brother argued that since he was the youngest and the older brothers were richer, he should keep the goats to sell himself. The middle brother was in charge of accounting for the store, and argued that he should keep the goats because he could sell the horns to a local apothecary, the skin to a tanner, and the flesh to a butcher. The oldest brother argued that since he was the oldest and naturally the best, he should keep the goats for himself. The middle brother eventually got everyone to agree to splitting the goats equally. When they went outside to retrieve the goats, they were gone. What can we conclude from this? If the youngest brother were selfish and smart, he could keep the goats for himself and make money. Because he was kind, everyone lost. Always put yourself above others if you want to be successful.
50. All civilizations rise and fall, building themselves on the bones of their predecessors only to languish in ruin. Many have made careers studying the plight of the Romans, the Greeks, and all of the classical civilizations of yore, but there are no conclusions to be reached which cannot be found in today's society. While they were all able to portray themselves as vanguards of new renaissances, and it is true that innovation was fostered in these civilizations, they all fell to childish infighting or stronger enemies. While you may be one citizen of one nation, not part of a global hegemony or a world-spanning empire, you are still part of the same cycle. You look up to your idols, whether they be presidents, scientists, or television stars, yet you make the same mistakes they do. Society consumes the meek, and only the mighty will hold their own against the inexorable tide of progress, where the innovators flourish and the followers perish. Hundreds of people all compete for the same few positions in companies and colleges. Modern society is built upon competition, a primal force of nature which devours some, but leaves some as victors. Some make a name for themselves in their respective fields and win numerous accolades, but they are replaced by the newcomers, and this process continues. Venerated figures die and are mourned, but their bones crumble to dust in forgotten crypts. Naïve teenagers, just having graduated college in a relatively sheltered environment, are thrust into a twisted universe where selfishness overtakes compassion and greed overtakes charity. They enter with a fervent belief that they can make a difference, and leave as soulless drones. They see their superiors working in their offices, and strive to be like them; however, they cannot anticipate the struggles and the sacrifices ahead of them, and they eventually fail. Sometimes they contradict others, believing that their fresher perspective on life means that they are equal to their elders; still, new perspectives are not always tolerated, and eventually they learn to accept the central dogma of society. How can people possibly survive in such a cutthroat environment, where simple concepts of politeness and etiquette, which we are taught in kindergarten, disappear? Some attempt to find friends in the vast ocean of life, where for every benevolent fish there is a shark waiting to eat you alive. Some return to the comforts of home, seeking a lazy life of indolence and leeching from their parents. The smart ones realize that there is no mercy in life, and success is gained only through attrition and hard work. Suffering is a natural part of life, and cowardice is for those too weak to accept suffering. Those who preach ways to find cheap bliss in life, which is not derived from years of hard work, are false prophets. Those who view their work as a means to an end themselves are destined to become gears in a soulless machine which will devour them without remorse. Their idle thoughts only serve as catalysts for others to seize initiative and promote themselves. Those who are passionately dedicated to appeasing others' whims will only become stepping stones for braver people to prosper. The smart absorb their more foolish competitors' ideas while applying them for personal benefit. The hopelessly cynical will see their more optimistic enemies overshadow them; it is easy to snuff out a candle which is dimly lit. The only people who can survive have the will to conquer obstacles, the will to fail, and the will to succeed after failure. People who cannot grasp this simple concept are consigned to oblivion, and are forced to the bottom of society. They are relegated to bland offices and cubicles, where loud-mouthed supervisors scold them into working harder. Everyone has experienced pure tyranny at some point, but only the smart view it as a lesson and not a punishment. Unfairness is not a crime, but merely a truth. Failure is a tragic lesson, but not a useless one. The successful people can enjoy their temporary accomplishments, but they know that there are always higher tiers of achievement, and once the initial glow of success wears off, they realize that they are still failures. There is no path to success in life which does not involve hard work. However, there is also no path to success which does not involve a balance between work and relaxation. Some foolhardy people believe that they are so much more accomplished than others that they do not need anything besides work in life; these people will burn out and fail. It's a paradoxical outcome: the people who work too much fail, and the people with no determination or focus also fail. What can we conclude from this? The secret to life is hard work, and the future is only what we make today. To separate yourself from the crowd, demonstrate that you are a better worker than everyone else.
Discussion Questions:
What specifically is Frank satirizing? Can you tell which tips are likely to have been inspired by specific experiences?
What can we learn about the culture of Heller and the surrounding area from this? What societal attitudes are prevalent in what Frank chooses to address?
Clearly, by the fact that this has its own chapter, we are going to see this as very relevant in the rest of the novel; how do you think this might come into play?