Chapter 47
Tears
I feel so betrayed.
I stayed up all night just thinking and crying in my room. Kanina pa ako kinakatok ni Yaya pero desidido akong mapag-isa ngayong araw. I am so lost in thoughts that I didn't even care that they've been knocking outside my door then and now. Diba dapat masaya ako kung hindi nga sila totoong nakasal diba?
But...no. I feel so betrayed. I didn't know. No one told me. I was deprived from the truth.
"W-What?" I gasped because of his words last night.
I freed myself from his hug to see of he's really telling the truth. My heart beats are faster than usual when I saw his worried expression. I tilted my head.
"Deonell, is that true?" pigil kong tanong.
"Einra, let me explain—" he tried to capture my hands.
I cut him off. "Deonell, is it true?!"
I am panting right now because of my controlled outburst. Hindi ko na napigilang pagtaasan siya ng boses. I am so confused, dumbfounded and I feel so betrayed right now!
"I am not asking for an explanation! I want you to answer me!"
"No shouting, Love, please. J-Just...Can you please listen to me first? I—"
"No!" I roared.
Muling nanumbalik ang luha sa aking mga mata. He tried to take a step closer pero umatras na naman ako. His lips parted as he stared at me with worry. Napahagulgol ako at tinakpan ang mukha gamit ang dalawang kamay.
"I deserve to know, Deonell! I deserve to know!" my muffled voice between my sobs.
"Love..." I heard his weak voice, "I'm sorry..."
He quickly captured me in both of his arms in a span of milliseconds. I screamed and tried to free myself but he's too strong. I kept on crying and crying while trying to free myself until I immediately got tired. Napahagulhol ako at hinampas-hampas siya sa kaniyang dibdib. He purposely buried his head beside my neck while caressing my hair and back, as if that will comfort me.
My sobs are stifled because my face is pressed on his chest.
"I deserve to know...I deserve to know..." I cried and said that between my sobs.
"I'm sorry..." he continued to whisper that on my ears over and over again.
"Para akong tanga! Ginawa mo akong tanga!" I screamed and tried to push him away but he just tightened his hug.
"I'm sorry..." his voice broke.
Naninikip na ang dibdib ko dahil sa kaka-iyak. I never cried this way in front of him. Ngayon lang. I thought I am already drained inside that I can no longer cry anymore but here I am...crying again. Humahagulgol pa rin ako habang pilit siyang tinutulak palayo sa'kin pero masyado siyang malakas.
"You even have the audacity to say that we're 'siblings'! Is it fun fooling me?!" I screamed between my tears.
"Love, I'm sorry..." he continued to whisper that on my ears.
Nanghina na ako. Mabilis akong napaluhod kaya lumuwag ang hawak niya sa'kin at nabitawan ako. I sobbed so hard while I knelt down because of exhaustion. Pagod na pagod na akong umiyak pero hindi ko ata magawang tumigil. The emotions I felt are so overwhelming that I couldn't help but to cry out loud while kneeling down habang ang dalawang siko ay naka-tukod sa dalawang binti. My palms are covering my hands, making my sobs stifled.
"You all deprived me from the t-truth..." I sobbed, "Alam niyong lahat...ako lang ang h-hindi."
I felt him knelt in front of me too. I heard his very heavy sighs and his urge to touch me but I can sense he's having second thoughts. He just knelt in front of me while I'm covering my face with both of my hands. Iyak ako ng iyak at parang hindi na titigil.
"I probably looked so stupid..." I cried more.
"Love, I'm so sorry..." he said in the most gentle way as possible with his hoarse and cracked voice.
Nagtalukbong nalang ako ng kumot habang inaalala ang nangyari kagabi. This morning, I just locked myself inside my room and screamed whenever I can sense some attempts to open my door with the master key. I can feel my eyes turning puffy due to crying all night. Ni hindi ako nakatulog at umiiyak lang o nakatulala habang nakatingin sa kisame.
He never explained why he did that after I told him that I don't want any explanations from him. He just said "I'm sorry" multiple times while I'm crying my heart out. All he did is to console me while I'm hurting. Kanina, I heard him knocking at my door and attempting to get inside. I just threw my purse at the door, making a loud thud, while I screamed. That stopped him from getting in.
"I'm sorry. Please let's talk after I come home from work. Please, Einradelle..." I heard him outside my door.
Nag-init lang ang dugo ko. "Shut up!"
That made him leave.
I just couldn't force myself to be happy. My Mom and his Dad aren't married. Their marriage was called off. I should be happy right? That means...me and him...can be together again. Right? But instead, I feel betrayed, hurt, and angry. Everyone kept this from me. Even my cousins.
Naniwala nga akong magkapatid na kami kasi ginamit niya ang salitang 'sibling' nang mag-usap kami tungkol sa posisyon ko sa kaniyang firm. I was fooled. I felt stupid.
When I called him "stepbrother" during Audy's wedding, my reason is to keep reminding myself about our relationship. Hindi ko man inamin sa sarili ko na may epekto pa rin siya sa'kin, I know I need to call him that to refrain myself from having stupid feelings. I know I need to hold on at that thought to keep me sane.
And I probably looked so stupid. He probably had fun hearing those words from me knowing I'm wrong and dumfounded.
I want to ask why. Why did they hid it from me? My Titas...they went to some vacation almost a month ago because they wanted to visit my Mom right? Why did they concealed the truth from me? Even my cousins, even Yaya Imelda! I'm disappointed. Very disappointed.
Gano'n ba kahirap sabihin ang totoo? Bakit pilit nilang tinatago sa'kin kung ano talaga ang totoong nangyari?
Nanghina ako. I sulk in my bed more and sighed. Wala akong lakas na tumayo at ayusin man lang ang itsura ko. Kung ano ang suot ko kagabi ay 'yon pa rin ang suot ko ngayon. I couldn't help but think about the reason why Mom didn't pursue the marriage with Deonell's Dad.
Is this because she easily gets infatuated pero nawawala rin naman? Is her decision of marrying that man only based on her infatuations? Like how she later on agreed in marrying my Dad when she's forced to marry him? I don't get it. I really don't get it.
Dad died because of her. He died knowing his ex-wife is about to marry someone else. What will happen...if in the first place, Mom didn't planned on marrying someone else again? Will Dad be still alive today? Should I have lived a happy life? with no scars?
I looked at the alarm clock on my bedside table. It says that it's already 8 o'clock in the morning. I sighed and decided to force myself to get up kahit ayaw ng katawan ko. I just want to stay all day in my bed doing nothing but I have work.
I suddenly remembered my work in Deonell's firm. That gave me the strength to completely stand up.
Kahit nanghihina ay dumeretso na ako sa aking desk. I turned off my laptop and typed something in there.
My resignation letter.
He hired me and made me think that he's only doing that because we're 'siblings'. I climbed my way to the top without credentials but because we're 'siblings'. But it turns out, hindi naman pala. I couldn't help it but to get angry again how he fooled me. He hired me despite the fact that I have no credentials nor the qualities yet. For what reasons? I don't know and I don't have any plans in finding it all out.
I printed it after typing and fixed myself. The makeup I wore last night was already smudged. Not to mention that my eyes are so puffy due to crying all night. Naligo ako at nagbihis. I choose to wear a black slacks topped with a black suit with a low v cut white blouse underneath. I wore some black wedge to match my outfit and put my hair in a low ponytail. I put some pearl drop earrings and its matching necklace.
Dala ang isang white handbag, lumabas na ako sa kwarto. Ni hindi na nga ako nakaramdam ng gutom. Nakasalubong ko pa si Yaya Imelda sa baba ng hagdan. She looks so surprised when she saw me na bihis na bihis pero hindi ko siya tinignan. Ngayon lang ako nainis o nagalit kay Yaya Imelda. Siya ang tao na kailanman hindi ko ine-expect na maglilihim sa'kin tungkol sa ganitong mga bagay.
"Einra, anak..." marahan niyang tawag sa'kin pero nilagpasan ko lang siya.
I sighed when I also heard her sigh behind my back. I feel guilty of what I did but I just don't want to talk to her right now. Lumabas lang ako ng bahay at dere-deretso ang lakad patungo sa garahe.
I roamed my eyes at tinignan ang naka-hilerang luxury cars ni Mom. I also saw the Lexus Kuya Jobert used to use back in the days. I realized na walang silbe ang pagpunta ko dito kasi hindi naman ako marunong mag-drive. Atsaka...wala atang driver dito na hi-nire ni Deonell. Kung meron man, hindi ko na maalala.
I sighed bago dumeretso sa gate. I decided to commute. Pinagbuksan ako ng mga guards at naglakad. Sakto naman at may nakita akong isang taxi na papalabas ng village kaya pinara ko ito at agad sumakay. I also told the driver the address of the firm.
The whole entire ride, I was absorbed in thoughts.
I thought about my plan after turning the resignation later. I know I applied to his firm because I need to remove the guilt I'm feeling. But now...now I no longer want to work there anymore. The guilt is easily replaced by anger. Anger that's caused by being deprived of the truth from everyone.
I know I purposely didn't seek for informations about my Mom's wedding because of my scars. It will only remind me of my Dad's death. I suddenly remembered what Yaya said to me almost a month ago. I thought about her words as I bitterly examined myself.
"Dinadahilan ng mga tao ang hindi pag-limot sa isang bagay para itago ang totoong dahilan nila. Na-examina mo na ba ang sarili mo? Sa totoong dahilan kung bakit...kung bakit nanatili ka pa ring nakatali sa nakaraan?" I can clearly remember her words that made me so lost in thoughts.
Pinipilit ko mang sabihin na tanggap ko na ang nangyari, pero sa totoo lang...hindi pa rin. Hindi ko pa tanggap.
I've been concealing such thoughts related to this because takot akong tanggapin sa aking sarili ang lahat. Takot ako na hindi pa rin ako okay. Gusto kong maging okay dahil nakakapagod ang masaktan nalang ng paulit-ulit.
I may be that type of person who everybody hates, who everybody always misunderstands, who everybody always thought as someone who's bratty and feisty, but I have such old-fashioned views when it comes to love. I developed those type of perspectives due to witnessing how my parents' relationship turned out. Ayokong magaya sa kanila. I don't want their kind of lovestory. I want something ideal... something different from them. I admit, I was traumatized seeing their relationship as a failure.
I dated Deonell because I can see my future with him. I can see us...being together 'til the end.
And I couldn't accept what happened to us. I couldn't accept that we ended that way. I couldn't accept that that's how our relationship turned out to be. What I thought as an ideal relationship turned out to be... ruined. At hindi ko 'yon matanggap.
Maybe that's why I also hate seeking information about my Mom's marriage aside from Dad. Ayokong makasagap ng impormasyon tungkol doon kasi...we parted ways because of that.
And I've been concealing it to myself directly. I couldn't accept the fact that I still couldn't accept and totally move on from everything. That's why... I'm still tied to the past. I still couldn't completely forget what happened and move on from everything.
Kasi naniwala ako na ginamit niya ako, na hindi totoo ang nararamdaman niya para sa'kin. That's what I couldn't accept the most. That I developed genuine feelings for someone I thought I'm gonna spend the future with, but that certain someone is just using me.
I couldn't accept that my first love is now my... stepbrother. I couldn't accept how things turned out for the both of us.
And I hate it. That's why I concealed such thoughts, forced myself to accept everything and just move on which... didn't happen. I just lied to myself and is starting to believe that that's the truth. I tried to show everyone that I'm fine. That I'm completely okay. Ayokong ipakita sa kanila at maski sa sarili ko na hindi ako okay. I acted like some tough woman who already moved on from everything.
Pero alam ko sa sarili ko na ilang beses na nag-crack ang maskara na sinusuot ko. The moment I met Deonell again, it's cracking by pieces one at a time.
Ngayong alam ko na ang totoo, hindi ko na alam kung ano ang gagawin. Ang lahat ng paniniwala ko ay mali pala. I don't know what to do.
"Keep the change." sabi ko sa taxi driver bago ko siya inabutan ng pera at lumabas na ng taxi.
Tuloy-tuloy lang ang lakad ko papasok. The guards greeted me as soon as they opened the tall double glass doors of the building. I returned kahit mukhang pilitan lang out of courtesy.
"Good morning, Mam Versozo!" bati ng mga empleyado na nadaanan ko.
I just simply nodded at them kahit wala talaga ako sa mood because I don't want them to feel disrespected or what. Hawak ang isang envelope na naglalaman ng resignation paper ko at isang handbag, dumeretso na ako sa elevator. I pressed some buttons before I waited for the ding sound. When it happened, lumabas na ako at dumeretso na sa kaniyang office.
Deonell. I still have feelings for him. But unlike before, I can no longer imagined us having such ideal relationship again. Our relationship is already tainted. It will never be the same as before. Masyado na kaming nasaktan dahil dito. I hurt him of how I acted years ago, and he's hurt me too.
I just sighed and gripped hard on my handbag like how I'm gripping to my decision to resign and just...leave. Away from here, and away from everyone.
I saw Mae who immediately stood up the moment she saw me. Nasa may front desk siya at nakita ko kung paano siya nagulat nang makita ako. I maintained a straight face at humakbang na papunta sa kaniyang direksyon.
"Miss Einradelle," she acknowledged my presence and bowed her head a little, "Wala po sa loob si Deonell—e-este, Sir Deonell. May meeting po kasi siya ngayon sa conference room kasama ang ibang head ng bawat departments. I was notified that you're sick. D-Do you want to join them po?"
I didn't answer. Hindi ko alam na may meeting pala ngayon. Baka biglaan. But that shouldn't be my concern for now. I just handed her my resignation letter when I went closer to her.. Dama ko ang pagtataka niya sa mukha niya palang pero tinanggap niya rin naman ito kalaunan.
"Ano po 'to, Miss Einra?" maingat niyang tanong sa'kin.
"My resignation letter. Give that to Deonell." I gave her a straightforward answer.
I saw how her eyes widened with shock. That didn't affect me. Naalala ko tuloy ang mga panahon na parang...nagseselos ako sa kanilang dalawa. But I shouldn't be thinking about this matter right now. I just rolled my eyes and turned my back. I was about to walk away when I heard her voice.
"Wala ka talagang utang na loob, e, 'no?" I heard her sarcastic voice from behind.
I gasped out of disbelief bago ko siya hinarap ulit. I arched my left eyebrow.
"Excuse me?" I was offended.
Did I heard it right? Did she just gave me a sarcasm?
"You heard me right, Miss Versozo." galit niyang sagot sa'kin, "You're such an ungrateful bitch. You don't deserve his love and affection. Kaya hindi ko alam kung ano ang nakita niya sayo. Masama ang ugali mo at—"
"What the hell?" I cut her off angrily.
She just gave me that sarcastic look. She even have the guts to cross her arms while she mockingly laughed. My blood boiled at what she just did and what she just said. Her face is full of mockery and sarcasm.
I was shock that she said all of these things to me. Gone is the Mae Dizon who's always bubbly and joyful. She's totally a complete person now.
"You don't have any rights to talk to me like that! Sino ka ba?" pinandilatan ko siya ng mata.
She smirked. "You're no longer my boss the moment you submitted your resignation later, Miss Versozo. Or should I say...Einradelle. And yes, I have all the rights to talk to you like that. I am older than you."
I gritted my teeth, nagtitimpi nang sigawan siya.
"I said, sino ka ba? You're straying away from the topic, Ms. Dizon. Who do you think you are to talk to me like that? Being older than me doesn't give you the rights to offend me like you know everything about me."
Nakita ko kung paano kumuyom ang dalawang kamao niya. I smirked when I saw it but she immediately hid it when she saw me looking at it. I gave her a smirk when my gaze returned to her pero kita ko ang galit niya.
"Hindi ko man alam ang lahat pero alam ko kung ano ang nangyari sa inyo ni Deonell." she fired back with fiery eyes.
I was taken aback at what she said. Bahagya akong napaatras, nagulat sa sinabi niya. I gulped and tried to conceal it but when I saw how she smirked, bumalik kaagad ang galit ko.
I'm shocked but not surprised. Sino pa nga ba ang nagsabi sa kaniya maliban kay Deonell? Of course, he's the one who told her. And I could help it but to feel bitter. Who is she in his life that he even shared our memory with her? Is she really that significant?
"Who told you about that?" I tried to fight back my bitterness and asked her that, kahit pa alam ko na ang sagot.
She smirked. "Si Deonell. Close na kami nang nag-trabaho ako dito. Alam ko kung ano ang namamagitan sa inyong dalawa at hindi ko matanggap kung bakit kaya niyang gumawa ng malalaking bagay para sayo."
She gritted her teeth and glared at me more. The cold air from the AC didn't soothe the growing tension between us. Mas lalo lang akong nagalit dahil sa mga sinasabi niya.
"Wala ka talagang kwentang babae 'no? Paano mo nasikmura ang lahat ng 'to? Paano—"
"Bakit ka ba nangingialam?" tumaas ang boses ko, "Why? Do you like him?"
I swallowed the big hard and bitter bile in my throat fter I asked that question. I saw how her eyes reflected what she felt as of this moment.
"Oo," matapang niyang sagot, "Gusto ko siya. At kami na sana ngayon kung hindi lang dahil sayo!"
Nag-init ang dugo ko sa huli niyang sinabi. I fisted my hands as I stopped myself to grab her hair. Humahangos na siya sa galit at ako ay nagtitimpi nang sabunutan siya.
I don't want to get physical with her. I couldn't hide my bitterness if I continue staying here.
Kaya...tumalikod ako. Tumawa siya sa likod ko pero hindi ko siya pinansin. I can feel her sarcasm and mockery but I chose to walk away. When I was about to get out, she said something that made me stop.
"Binili niya ang firm na 'to para sayo. Dahil alam niyang mahalaga ito sa pamilya mo. Tapos ngayon...isang resignation letter ang iga-ganti mo sa kaniya? Wala ka talagang utang na loob."
I stopped, frozen. Tumalikod ako at muli siyang hinarap. I can see her fiery eyes again kahit medyo malayo na ako sa kaniya. Nagulat ako sa sinabi niya.
"What did you just said?" I am shocked.
"H'wag ka ng mag maang-maangan. Pumayag siyang doon tumira sa mansyon niyo para sayo. Binili niya ang kompanya na pinaghirapan ng tatay mo na hindi mo nagawang ipaglaban gamit ang sarili niyang pera. Hanggang ngayon, ikaw pa rin ang nasa puso't isip niya. Tapos ngayon, ito ang iga-ganti mo? Wala ka bang utang na loob?!" tumaas ang boses niya.
I couldn't explain what I felt right now. Halo-halong emosyon na ang nararamdaman ko. She smirked when she saw me being taken aback. I don't want to loose. I don't want to end this conversation with her in a low note.
I quickly composed myself and smirked at her.
"Oh? Talaga? Ba't sa'kin ka pa galit? Hindi ko naman siya inutusan na gawin iyong lahat para sa'kin. Sabihin mo nalang sa kaniya, salamat sa lahat."
Damn it!
"You fucking bitch," nanggigigil niyang sabi, "Kami na sana ngayon kung hindi dahil sayo! Wala kang modo!"
"That's not my fault. He never liked you, that's why." I smirked.
"Kailangan niya lang ng closure para makalimutan ka na niya. Pero sobrang walang kwentang tao ka! Hindi ka marunong tumanaw ng utang na loob!"
Mas lalo lang akong nagalit sa sinabi niya.
"You assuming daydreamer," I said between gritted teeth.
"Kaya pwede ba?! Just give him the closure he needs para tapos na siya sayo!" she shouted angrily.
I couldn't contain the anger I felt right now. Closure? All he needs is closure just for him to be done with me? I am more angry just by that thought.
Sa galit ko ay bigla ko siyang sinugod. I immediately grabbed her hair at kinaladkad siya palayo sa front desk.
"You bitch!" I exclaimed.
"Aray! Walanghiya ka!" sigaw niya.
Dahil mas matangkad ako sa kaniya at nakayuko na siya ngayon dahil sa pagsabunot ko, hindi niya rin ako masabunutan. Instead, kinalmot niya lang ang braso ko. It stings immediately kaya mas lalo lang akong nagalit. I gripped on her hair harder making her scream.
"Aray! Bitawan mo ako!"
"You irk the hell out of me, you snake incarnate!"
Kinaladkad ko siya at sigaw siya ng sigaw.
Images of her being together with Deonell flashed in my mind. Images of me crying because of it also flashed, too. Mas lalo lang akong nagalit at sinabunutan pa siya. Sigaw pa rin siya ng sigaw at kanina pa ako kinakalmot pero wala akong pakialam.
I heard the door opened but that's the least of my concern. I so badly wanna hurt her that other things doesn't matter anymore.
"What is happening here?! Einradelle!" his voice thundered all throughout the area.
Nabitawan ko kaagad si Mae kaya bumagsak siya sa sahig. Gulat akong napatingin sa pumasok kani-kanina lang. I saw Deonell's angry eyes as his eyes quickly shift from me to his secretary.
"What the hell..." he cussed so hard as he examined the both of us.
Gulong-gulo na ang buhok ni Mae habang nakaupo siya sa sahig. She immediately started to cry when she saw Deonell in front of us. Hindi ko alam pero mas lalo lang akong nagalit. She's trying to be pitied by him!
"Deonell..." humikbi siya, tunog nagsusumbong.
Nakatingin lang ako kay Deonell na nakatingin sa kaniya. Mabilis nangilid ang luha ko nang mabilis din siyang humakbang papalapit sa kaniya at tinulungan siyang tumayo. My heart ached more when he immediately drifted his angry eyes on me.
"What did you do?!" he roared.
"Deonell..." mas lalo lang humikbi ang sekretarya niya.
My eyes drifted on his arms that was wrapped behind her shoulders while his other hand is supporting her to firmly stand up. I looked at them bitterly.
"Answer me, Einradelle. What did you do to her?" his voice thundered again.
I flinched because of the intensity in his voice. For a moment, I was afraid. I was afraid na baka...na baka papagalitan niya ako sa harap ng maraming tao. I was afraid that he'll really leave me once he got some closure. I was afraid that Mae might be right. Na ginawa niya ang lahat ng 'yon para sa'kin kasi... na-gi-guilty siya. That he, too, couldn't move on because he needs closure.
And funny of me to actually be afraid of such things. I went here to end things with him pero heto ako...nanghihina at takot na iwan niya ako. Ano ba talaga, Einradelle? Ano ba talaga ang dapat mong gawin?
And now, I just couldn't stop myself from getting hurt while seeing the two of them in front of me.
"Einradelle." nagtitimpi niyang sabi sa'kin.
I swallowed bitterly. Nakalmot rin naman ako, a? Bakit siya ang dinaluhan niya? Is she really that special to him? Akala ko...ako pa rin? Baka tama nga si Mae. He's only putting up with me because he still needs closure. 'Yon lang.
Tumalikod nalang ako bago pa niya makita ang mga luha na malapit nang lumabas mula sa mga mata ko. Narinig ko siyang tinatawag ako pero mabilis akong lumabas at tumakbo patungo sa elevator. When the elevator closed, doon lang tuluyang tumulo ang mga luha ko.
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