Jungeun wants nothing more than to stab Chaehyuk and be done with it while her body doubles over with laughter after a stupid joke he made. It wasn't even that funny but the stress she shouldered made it easy for her to snap even at this.
Sixty-seven days have passed since the announcement of the royal engagement and with the king's orders, the groom would be an honored guest at the palace until the wedding. When Jungeun thought that she could at least be away from the whole situation, Chaehyuk proved her wrong by attaching himself to her like a leech. She tried to distance herself from him by giving a cold shoulder but somehow king Kim Jukan learned the groom's affection towards the younger guard and as a gesture of generosity assigned Jungeun to Chaehyuk's guard until the wedding. The princess didn't need her guard that much those days anyway. She was always in lessons or in her room, not stepping foot outside her wing of the palace.
Jungeun hated the thought of leaving her service at first but even she had to admit that being near her only twisted the knife in her heart, hurting both of them even more. She tried to see glimpses of her against her better judgment. Even if she got hurt every time, even if she had trouble keeping her tears in, Jungeun still sneaked into her garden and watched her drink her morning tea with a forlorn expression. Every time she saw her face she was reminded that somehow, she managed to make the princess love 'her' so much that, she was willing to leave everything behind and run away with Jungeun. And reminded of the coward she was.
"Junghyun-ah, why are you crying?" She heard Chaehyuk ask as he touched her shoulder with worry. "I won't make any more jokes if it saddens you this much."
Her unstable emotional state made her cry without even realizing it. She wiped her tears harshly and stood straight. "Finally, something stops your horrid jokes, Chaehyuk-sshi."
Chaehyuk smiled at her sympathetically as he rubbed her back. Jungeun tensed at the chance of him feeling the fabric of her binders. "I can sense that you are still mourning your late wife. I am here to talk, dongsaeng." He offered with a smile. "In fact, why don't you call me hyung? I feel like we are close like that."
Jungeun, for the nth time, surprised by his genuine and friendly behavior, smiled sheepishly. "Thank you, hyung. I don't want to slash open newly closed wounds by talking about.... Jinsoul."
"Well, I might be the one who needs to talk about his wife-to-be." Min Hyuk said, kicking a pebble that stood in his way. "She is so distant, Junghyun-ah. I could only catch her outside of her wing one time and she just bowed and walked away without a word."
Jungeun looked at the troubled young man with a sigh. He didn't deserve this. Sure, this was an arranged marriage, but he was actually trying to make this better. They sat at the exit of her garden every day, hoping to run into her until Jiwoo sent her servant Yerim to shoo them. She was still angry at Jungeun as well as she was ignorant of Chaehyuk.
They respected her wishes and didn't step near her garden again, but she could tell that Chaehyuk was always observant of his surroundings in case she came by.
"Is she always this cold?" Chaehyuk asked as they walked towards the stables.
"I wouldn't know, hyung. I was just her guard, nothing else." Jungeun tried to eliminate any possible suspicions.
"What a lie, dongsaeng! I told you I would gather palace gossip. I know that you were her guard since you were ten and the rumors about you two." He said stopping in his tracks. "Are they true?"
Jungeun felt the air get knocked out of her lungs. "Of course, not hyung! How dare you question mine and her honor like that! I am just a companion she deemed worthy of friendship. Nothing else."
His face looked still for a few seconds before he burst into laughter. "You look so cute when you are all flustered and angry, Junghyun-ah." He said ruffling her hair. "Relax, I don't think they are true, I just wanted to get you to admit being her friend."
Jungeun punched his shoulder as she stomped her feet. "Aren't you a jokester, hyung? Fine, I am her friend. So, what?"
"How can I get her to like me? I don't want to have a cold marriage. What kind of things does she like?" he asked.
Jungeun, holding her screams, frustrations, and tears in, smiled. "Horse rides and picnics by the Lake. She likes that very much."
Chaehyuk frowned as he waited for the stable boy to get their horses ready. "How can we go for something like that when she won't even look at me?"
"Send her gifts, she might give in," Jungeun suggested. "She loves reading history books. Especially folk tales."
"That might work! What other gifts can I buy her? Jewelry, clothes, flowers?" He asked looking as clueless as possible.
"Yes, sure, then would you like to give her a beautiful calligraphy painting that reads 'You Are the Most Cliché Girl I've Ever Met!'? Bet she will love that too, hyung." She said rolling her eyes at the older boy.
"Then tell me, smartass." He asked as he tipped the stable boy generously. They mounted their horses and turned their direction towards the town center.
"She likes none of those things. When I courted my late wife Jinsoul, I did all that and more, Jiwoo-noona hated it. She said it made me look unoriginal and insincere." She said somewhat truthfully. That was not the only reason she hated their engagement, but it was a factor. "She likes genuine things. Find a good book and write her a letter telling her how you really feel. Don't tell her that you love her because you don't. She knows you don't. Tell her you want to love her, get to know her, and will treat her as your equal in your marriage. She deserves that. But if you are not sincere in those claims, hyung, and if you hurt her, you will see my wrath unleashed."
Chaehyuk looked at her with raised eyebrows. "I will keep that in mind."
-
After they spent hours in four different towns, trying to find Jiwoo a book, they finally met their demands at a little shop in the last town. There was a tiny book, stuck between two shelves, waiting to be bought. The Tale of Two Lovers.
Jungeun noticed the book first and began reading it on the spot. She realized as she continued to read it, this was not an ordinary tale. It told the story of a young maid and the princess who was stuck in a stable boy's body. They, unfortunately, fall in love and before Jungeun could read anymore, Chaehyuk grabbed her arm and showed the book in his hands.
"Do you think she'll like it?" He asked. His eyes were full of hope as he shoved the book in her hands.
"' Tales of Wolves and Undying Woman'? Really hyung? How about something that's more about... legendary warriors and their techniques? She likes fighting." Jungeun said, without thinking. She wanted to buy the book without Chaehyuk noticing.
"She likes fighting?" Chaehyuk asked, raising his eyebrows. "Does she know how to fight?"
Jungeun felt her blood drain from her face. She just gave one of Jiwoo's biggest secrets away, just like that. "I meant that she likes those topics, not the actual physical action of fighting."
"Young man, there are more books of the kind you want on the other shelf." Said the old bookseller, smiling at Chaehyuk.
"Excuse me, sir, I want to purchase this." Said Jungeun as soon as Chaehyuk got out of her vision.
"Oh, that old thing? You can keep it if you want. It belonged to an old crazy hag before she passed away. I was going to throw it away, but you can have it."
"Thank you." She muttered as she tucked the tiny book in her dress. "Hyung, any luck?"
-
"Ah, Chaehyuk-oppa, you are so funny!" squealed Jiwoo as she lightly slapped his arm. She looked like she was acting out a weird scene in a foreign play.
Chaehyuk looked surprised, he only made a few jokes which were honestly not that funny, so he didn't know what made her laugh, but he went along with it. "So, I hear. From the girls. In my town. Yeah."
Jungeun resisted the urge to roll her eyes as she stood by them in guard position. It took Chaehyuk an entire week to convince Jiwoo but in the end, he gave up trying and begged Jungeun to do it. Jungeun went down to her garden and tried to talk some sense into the girl of her dreams.
"Why don't you just try and give him a chance?" She asks with a sigh. Her headache is its strongest.
"Why don't you give us a chance?" she shots back. "Oh right, you are a coward, that's why!"
"Look, I'm not the one born into royalty and is engaged right now. Do you really want to run away now and later watch my head get cut off?" Jungeun pesters as she tried to convince her.
"Oh, cut the crap. You are so annoying that maybe I'll kill you myself anyways!" She yells at Jungeun. After a moment of silence, she sighs and folds her arms. "Fine, tell your master who apparently holds your leash now, that I will have a picnic with him. But remember that you insisted, Junghyun-sshi."
"I remember it." She thought as Jiwoo shamelessly flirted with Chaehyuk. Everything she did was to anger Jungeun even further. It worked.
"How long did you train to fight, oppa? You look so strong." Said Jiwoo looking so amazed as she shyly touched his arm. "Junghyun-ah has been my guard forever but he's so skinny! I've never seen someone who's in such good shape as you."
Chaehyuk, who was a stuttering red mess at that second, looked back and forth between them with embarrassment. "Not at all, your grace! Junghyun is in top shape if I've ever seen one. You are very lucky to have him as your guard." He said looking proudly at Jungeun. "But I am thankful for your kind compliments."
Jungeun scoffed a little at her behavior, Jiwoo was probably more skilled in combat than Chaehyuk at this point. They trained together with military-style for years, a pretty rich boy like Chaehyuk wouldn't stand a chance.
After nearly vomiting in her mouth, Jungeun managed to stand still for the next hour until they decided to go back. She kept her silence throughout their journey back, mostly because if she opened her mouth she would make a sarcastic remark.
Palace doors opened in front of them as Jiwoo's giggle echoed between them. Chaehyuk, once again, made one of his stupid jokes. As Jungeun's eyes met with Chaehyuk's, she saw that he became flustered and scratched the back of his neck. He was probably ashamed of flirting in front of his dongsaeng.
They left their horses at the stable and Chaehyuk insisted on accompanying her back to her door. "What kind of man would I be if I left my date alone?" he said, trying his best to sound charming.
Jungeun thanked the gods above that the princess' garden was not that far. She could not take another moment of this nauseating conversation.
"Thank you for accepting my invite today, your grace. I am deeply honored by it." Said Chaehyuk bowing deeply. "Let's go Junghyun. Good evening, my princess."
Jiwoo bowed back, a little less deeply and held her hand out to stop them. "Actually, can I borrow Junghyun for a second? I need to ask him about guard schedules." She requested, smiling.
Chaehyuk eyed them carefully before smiling back and nodding. "Of course, your grace. I will be at the training ground Junghyun-ah, then we can go have our dinner." With this, he turned on his heel and walked away.
Jungeun gulped nervously as she followed Jiwoo into her garden. "Bangchan should have updated you on the schedules, your grace." She said immediately.
"He did. And you know that was an excuse, so stop playing dumb." She said folding her arms as she settled on her usual cushion. "Did you enjoy our trip today?"
Jungeun rolled her eyes. "I sure did, oppa." She answered. "What is your point, noona?"
Jiwoo's eyes darkened as she turned to her staff and yelled. "Leave! All of you! If I see any of you in this wing for the next half hour, I will see your ends."
As the staff hurriedly emptied the place, Jiwoo got up from her seat. "Do you think this is a game for me? Do you think I enjoy this? Well, think again, Kim Junghyun, because I'm not having fun. Actually, not a single positive thought has passed my mind during these two months. In my good days, I wanted to run away. In my bad days, I just wanted to die. I came close you know, the only thing that kept me back was, maybe, just maybe you would change your mind and take my hand to run away." She yelled as she ran her hands through her hair. "But no, you came down here to ask me to accept his fucking picnic date. I am trying to reach out to you, show you, tell you how much I love and need you but all you do is make fun of me? I hope you had the time of your life laughing today Junghyun-ah because the rest of your life will be like this. Watching Chaehyuk and I from a distance while keeping your guard stance will be your life. You and I will grow old, within a reach yet so impossible. So yeah, I hope you find that fun, at least one of us will feel like living."
"You don't know ANYTHING! Not a single thing Jiwoo! You don't even have a single fucking idea what kind of choices I'm forced to make! Every day I must remind myself that my very core being, the part of me that loves you, isn't allowed to breathe. Every day I feel like dying, just ending this misery of life, and yet the only thing that ties me to this world is the same thing that makes me so pathetic; my stubborn love for you. You won't understand this, I shouldn't even waste my breath on someone who stoops to such immature ways to make the other jealous." Jungeun shouted back. Her veins popped from her neck and her head felt like someone was wrecking her with a hammer.
What she didn't see coming was Jiwoo's hand, flying towards her face, speed up with anger and frustration. "You dare say those words to me, you lying, sly, fucking coward piece of shit! You love me? Do you honestly think I believe that anymore? After all this? Cut me some slack, I'm not that dumb." She said sobs escaping her between words. She was falling apart and Jungeun wasn't fast enough to catch the pieces. "I understand nothing because you tell me nothing! Every time we do this bullshit, I always pour my heart out for you and you always stand there with that same kicked-puppy expression on your face and expect things to go away before you have to talk about your feelings! And guess what, now you have what you wished for. I am slipping away from your fingertips, so you won't ever have to tell me how you feel. I hope you're happy."
Jungeun, holding her own tears back, took a step towards Jiwoo. "It's because I can't tell you. You don't deserve the burden, you shouldn't have to carry this with me." She whispered, sounding the most vulnerable she had ever been. "I'm like a... disease. You should avoid me before you get infected."
Jiwoo looked at her with wide eyes before a hint of determination in her expression warned Jungeun about what was to come. Suddenly she felt Jiwoo's hands yanking her collar, slightly loosening her bindings in the process, and pulling her in. And at that time Jungeun felt the world stop.
The girl's soft and inexperienced lips felt out of place for a moment. They didn't know what they were doing, they were just novices in love. Imitating a rhythm that they got slowly familiar with, Jungeun kissed her back with as much desire as she received. She was scared and helpless but the feel of Jiwoo's strawberry-flavored lips on hers made her grasp a sense of safety within this twisted situation, making this moment their own cottage in a mighty snowstorm. But all good things had to end in some way, most of the time in bitter conclusions. The reality struck Jungeun and she, like a fish out of the water, pushed Jiwoo away to properly breathe again.
"You... We can't... I mean... no." she gasped. She felt like the whole world crashed down on her shoulders as her mind started working again and thought of the possibilities of someone seeing them. "I am sorry. I have to go."
Jungeun ran away, leaving her pride behind. She didn't stop until she reached the training grounds, frantically looking for Chaehyuk. It felt like if she could find him, she could act like nothing happened, act like her heart wasn't beating unbelievably fast.
"Hyung!" she called out, but no one answered. Confused with everything that was happening around her, Jungeun started running towards the guest's wing, where Chaehyuk was staying. After her short run, she saw Chaehyuk crouched down at his own porch, looking into space with the most unreadable expression. She stopped for a second and took control of her face. She managed to smile and waved towards him.
"Hyung! Let's go and eat."
Chaehyuk looked like he didn't hear her. Jungeun worriedly got closer and touched his shoulder. "Hyung?"
Chaehyuk finally looked up and held her hand tightly. Before she could say anything, he dragged her into his room and let go of her hand harshly. "Care to explain why you two kissed?"
Jungeun cursed out her luck in her mind as she felt her tongue in a loss of words. "I... Hyung... You were watching?" she raised her eyebrows.
Chaehyuk blushed all over before he angrily pushed her from her shoulders. "I was worried you asshole. But it seems that my worries were for nothing, right? You were more than okay out there!" he raised his voice. "That is my fiancée, are you aware of that huh?"
Jungeun didn't know what to say. He was right in his own way but wrong in many others. "Oh, I'm sorry hyung, I don't seem to remember her falling in love with you and magically wanting to marry you with her own free will!" She shouted back, trying to keep her voice as thick as possible.
Chaehyuk looked as if she just spat on his face. He once again poked her shoulder furiously. "Oh, really? I don't remember the king ordering me to stay away because her daughter loved someone else. Oh, wait, he doesn't know because you didn't even have the intention of marrying her! Don't try to turn this on me! You betrayed me by kissing her. You betrayed my trust."
With that he pushed her for the last time, his hands on her breasts, her back hitting the wall. There was a moment of silence while they both realized a few things. Jungeun finally got aware of her bindings, which were loose enough to be useless. Jiwoo tugged them, and her running loosened them. She realized that, when Chaehyuk pushed her away, there was no way he couldn't feel her ...lie.
They stood there for a few minutes, only light breaths filling the air. Jungeun finally got her senses back and drew her sword.
"You didn't feel anything, is that clear?" She threatened as her hands visibly shook with stress.
Chaehyuk who was even more of a blushing mess than before bowed apologizingly and muttered. "I'm so sorry that I touched your... chest."
Jungeun lowered her weapon and held his arm forcefully, dragging him outside of the palace. When they finally arrived at an isolated location, Jungeun let go. "Ask."
"Are you really... not a guy?" He asked, not daring enough to look her in the eye.
"Yes. I am a girl."
"Why?"
"I don't know."
They stood there with silence in the air, once again that night. Chaehyuk finally lifted his head up and asked. "Why are you pretending to be something you are not then?"
"It is a rather long story, one that lasted sixteen years. Do you really want to hear this?" she asked sighing.
"Well, secrets tend to make people lonelier. I wouldn't want you to feel like that." He offered with a kind smile.
Jungeun knew that she should have freaked out by now but honestly, she felt like the world was rewarding her with someone to share this burdening secret with. So, she let go of her fears and panicked thoughts, she began to tell him everything.
"...And this is how things became so complicated." She finished telling. Chaehyuk looked at her with pity in his eyes, even if Jungeun hated it she understood. She was pitiful, wasn't she?
"You poor thing... I don't even know what to say other than ask you where your fuck of a father is and beat him up really good." He said frowning. "What kind of a man does this to their child? Sick bastard."
"So, you are aware that this is a secret that can cost me my head, right? You are not allowed to tell anyone about this." She emphasized, looking into his eyes warningly.
"I get it but so now what?" he asked, his head between his hands. "You two love each other but with this secret, it is not possible, and I am to marry her in a month. What are we supposed to do?"
Jungeun sighed. "What is going to happen is, you are going to marry her, and I am going to ask the king to assign me into the army. And hopefully, Jiwoo will eventually forget I ever existed and love you." She said looking at the ground. "That is the plan, basically."
She heard a sniff from him and when she looked up, he seemed like he was about to cry. "Can I... Can I hug you?" he asked uncertainly.
She smiled faintly. "Sure, hyung."
-
They were swarmed with palace guards as soon as they went back to its grounds. Jungeun's heartbeat at a record speed thinking that someone ratted her kissing the princess and now they were after her blood.
"Lee Chaehyuk, the king orders your presence. Immediately." Said one of the guards Jungeun knew since she was ten.
"I will take him there, no need for this barbaric treatment." She said, daring them to say a word. After a few seconds, guards cleared the way and followed them towards the throne room. The moon hanged in the air mockingly, smirking down at them mercilessly.
Guards at the door opened them hurriedly, exposing the two to the king, who looked positively furious.
"Lee Chaehyuk and his entire party are to leave my kingdom effective immediately and without any objection. Junghyun, get him out of my sight, make sure he leaves my terrain, and then go back to the princess' service." The king ordered pacing in the room back and forth. Then he pointed at Chaehyuk with anger. "And you, weak boy, tell your disgraced father that if he ever tries to pull that kind of a thing ever again, the only thing broken between us won't be marriage agreements."
Before they even digested the meaning of the king's words they were escorted out to the guest wing. Chaehyuk, who was scared out of his mind, packed his things in a hurry. Not even a word was uttered while he packed and finally when Jungeun opened her mouth to say something, Chaehyuk stopped her.
"Your secret is still safe, nothing changes between us, and well, all I can do is wish you luck, no, a miracle with your relationship." He said in a heartbeat. "I have to go now, but I wanted to say that in such a short time, you became my favorite dongsaeng, I will value your friendship no matter what happens between my father and the king."
He then hugged her tightly for one last time. "Thank you. And good luck."
-
Jungeun stretched her legs while walking and yawning at the same time. The princess ordered her to come before sunrise to sneak out of the palace. They resumed their training after the... incident that happened two years ago. They did not speak of it and when the conversation steered that way, they trained harder instead. Two years full of closeted feelings and unresolved tension, they were honesty a ticking bomb. But somehow, this made them even better-training partners. They took it all out with swords.
Jungeun strolled into her garden like she owned it and smiled at a few maids. They squealed and ran away, whispering among themselves. Just because her heart belonged to the princess didn't mean she couldn't have fun messing with people.
She knocked on her door before her maids could stop her. "Your grace, it is time you awaken and get ready. The sun is getting up and so should you." She teased. Her maids pushed Jungeun away and entered the room, bowing deeply. And that's when all hell broke loose.
The maids screamed and Jungeun barged in. All she saw before feeling sick to her stomach was the princess' trashed room and open windows with no sign of the princess.