Something had been bothering Joe since they'd gotten home, and Taylor could tell because he wouldn't stop fidgeting. His eyebrows were knitted together, and stress seemed to be written all over his face. She knew him well enough now to know that's what he did when something was wrong when he was stressed or worried about something.
She had a shower and winced when she saw the bruising. She was proud of herself for finally saying something, even though she shouldn't have been put in that situation in the first place. She was so frustrated that he'd found her here and pursued her. He'd told her that it wouldn't be the end of it. She knew he wasn't lying. She knew Adam better than anyone else in the world. Knew his games, knew how he hurt. Knew his routine like the palm of her hand because she knew she had to know it off by heart in order to survive. There wasn't another person on the planet that knew him as she did. She wished she didn't know him like the palm of her hand, but she did, she'd accepted that.
She stood staring at herself in the mirror, paying attention to the fact that her cheeks weren't so hollow anymore, her chin wasn't quite so pointed, and her arms weren't as bruised anymore. Now, her hair seemed to fit her face. It didn't seem to stand out so much. Her neck was bruised, it might have been one of the worst ones Adam had ever given her. She was embarrassed about it - because it was in the shape of his hand and every single time that she looked at it, she could remember it.
Her back pressed against the wall, Adam's hair dripping from the heavy rain. The tears, and his rage on his face. The way she was sure that she could feel his pulse, feel the heartbeat that had almost killed her far too many times. The way he looked at her as if she was replaceable - even when he said that she was the sort of person that he couldn't live without. The way she had been scared, fearful of what he would do with his anger. She climbed into the shower, biting her lip. She had unbandaged her arm and saw that for the first time in a long time, her cuts were healing. There was no new blood, and she felt proud of herself. They were turning white. She wasn't used to feeling like this - feeling proud of something so little. She smiled, just for a second. And she realised that this was the first time that she'd felt like this by herself. Usually, her level of self-admiration was determined by someone else telling her that she was good, or that they were proud of her. Usually, her self-worth was based on the words of others. But this time, she'd found those feelings alone. She'd found them while staring at herself in the mirror. She found them without anyone telling her. It was... it was a rarity. That in itself was an act to be proud of.
Joe was still pacing around when she got out of the shower. He made eye contact with her briefly, before looking back down. He was wearing an emerald turtle neck and dark jeans with his hair hanging loosely over his forehead. His eyes were weary. His eyes looked at her with something that she couldn't quite read. She was good at reading everyone, so this fact worried her. She'd become familiar with the art of ensuring that she knew people's thoughts - and it made her anxious when she did not know their reactions, their worries or thoughts.
"What's wrong?" She asked, walking over to him. She took his hand in hers and rested the other hand on his cheek. "Did I do something?" It was her constant fear. She always thought that things were her fault. She was working on this mindset, but it still hurt her. She felt like she was just waiting for everyone in her life to abandon her, waiting for everyone to decide that she wasn't worthy of their love.
"God no, Taylor. I just... I can't believe that I wasn't here, again... I wasn't fucking here and he did that to you." He told her sadly. "I just feel like it's all my fault... because I should have been there to fucking get him off of you. But I wasn't... and your Mum called me and when I heard her say what was happening... I don't think that I've ever felt like that before. I just can't believe that I wasn't there for you. Again." She could see the disappointment that was drawn across his face, and it hurt to see him blame himself for something he had no part in.
Taylor gave him a smile. It was warm and kind. "Oh, Joe. The simple fact of it all is that you're not always going to be there when something happens to me. Just like I'm not always going to be there if something happens to you... and it's not your fault - not a single part of it." She kissed him softly, running her fingers through his hair and was relieved to see him smile. "I don't want you to feel like you are to blame, because it wasn't. I guess that I thought I might be able to calm him down... I don't really know why, because I never could in the past. But I really stood up for myself this time, Joe. I tried fighting back, I really did." It still hurt her to speak, but she didn't mind. Not when she could tell how upset he was. "But it's okay, it's fine now." He took her face in his hands, and she didn't even flinch. "I'm okay. It's all in the past, I'm not even thinking about it."
"I'm sorry." He kissed her cheek. "I'm sorry."
"There's nothing to be sorry for. Remember what we always talk about? You need to be kind to yourself. You can't control what happened, but you were there with me in the hospital, and you're with me now. And I can tell that you care. That's more than enough."
Taylor wore a scarf to Abigail's, she'd decided that would be easier than explaining the fresh bruises. She was lucky in the fact that no one other than her family knew about what had happened and was even luckier that her throat only hurt a little bit now. Her voice was almost back to normal, and she had already thought ahead to the idea that she'd just tell Abigail she'd been working on a new song for hours yesterday. She'd taken a pretty big dose of pain relief, which was working to take most of the tenderness away. She wanted it to be as normal as possible. It wasn't something that she wanted to have to speak about all the time. She didn't want to have to repeat herself over and over again because that hurt too much. Reminiscing the past used to be her favourite thing - but now? There were parts of herself that she wanted to keep entirely in the dark. There were parts of herself that she never wanted to see or experience ever again.
She felt butterflies in her stomach as she arrived. Joe had been so supportive of her all morning, constantly telling her that she would be okay, that she would have a lovely time. He told her that the thought of it would be so much worse than it actually was.
As he was most of the time, he was right. Taylor found herself having a really, really nice time. Abigail didn't make her talk about anything she didn't want to talk about, and it felt almost as if they were fifteen years old again. She couldn't stop smiling, and she was so glad that she'd made the time to see her. She'd gotten her a Christmas present, which she'd had for a while. It was a painting that she'd painted herself. She'd had it finished for a few months now, but Adam hadn't let her give it to her. It was just a huge frame with watercolour flowers in it. Of course, she'd felt so embarrassed to get it out of the suitcase in front of Joe - who could paint flowers that were a thousand times better. But he'd told her that they were the best flowers he'd ever seen - even though she was sure the petals were wonky. Even though she'd seen some of his own flowers, made with oil paints, gouache, or acrylic paints, she knew that they were far superior to anything she could produce herself.
"It reminds me of all the time we used to spend picking the flowers in your garden," Abigail hugged Taylor. "We used to leave them in random books on the bookshelf, didn't we? I still remember how your neighbour came in and borrowed one of your Mom's cookbooks and was so excited to find one in her book. We hid on the staircase," she grinned. "I love it. It's perfect. I'm going to hang it up across from my bed so that I always see it and smile."
She'd decided that on her way home she'd pick up some hot drinks for everyone, and texted her Mom asking what she wanted. Joe just wanted an Americano, and her Mom and Dad got flat whites.
She went to the little coffee shop that she used to stop off at after school with Abigail and smiled. Nothing had changed. A part of her wished that she hadn't changed either. Life was easier when she was fifteen.
She took photos with fans, fans who were too young to understand her Instagram photo. She was relieved at this. It was only the boy that served her while she was ordering that mentioned it.
"You're so brave," the boy told her as she paid. "I hope that you know that we'll always believe you. Thank you for coming out about it - I don't think that people can believe that there are people right under the spotlight that are going through what they're going through..." Taylor smiled. Oh, how she fucking loved her fans. She realised that they'd love her forever. Even when only her words were left, they'd still love her.
Joe was sitting on the couch talking with her Mom when she got home. Her dad was coming down the stairs, and he pulled her in for a hug.
"I'm proud of you for going, petal." He told her warmly. Taylor smiled as she heard him call her the nickname he'd called her since she was a little girl. She hadn't heard him call her that name in a few years. She couldn't remember what exactly had caused him to call her that - she thought it had something to do with the amount of time she used to spend in the garden talking to flowers when she was young.
"Thanks, dad. It was really nice." She gave him his coffee, and he kissed her forehead.
"Austin will be here soon, he's on his way from the airport." She couldn't wait to see him. They'd only texted occasionally, as he was busy and... well... Adam didn't like her talking to people. Even her family.
She walked into the lounge and saw Joe smiling at her Mom, and groaned when she saw the photo album sitting on the coffee table.
"Why do you always bring those out? Joe doesn't want to see those." She told her Mom as she handed her the drink. She turned around to see Joe chuckling.
"What are you talking about? Of course I wanted to see them!" She sat down beside him as she handed him his hot chocolate. He draped his arm around her shoulders. "You were still as cute then as you are now, especially all the photos in the snow - they're so funny!" Taylor remembered that day so well. She hadn't been feeling very well but wanted to go out and play in the snow anyway. So, her dad had captured a photo right when she was in the middle of a sneeze. She hated that photo. She was nine and was so embarrassed about every single detail about it. The fact that she had a billion different jackets on, so it made her look like a potato wearing a jacket, and the fact that her face was all distorted as she was in the middle of a sneeze. It was not cute. She didn't love it. She wasn't impressed.
"You looked lovely in those photos, Taylor." Her mom told her with a smile. She'd often begged her mom to get rid of that photo, but Andrea had insisted that it was important to have. Her dad sat down on the couch beside her Mom, and Joe rested his warm hand on Taylor's knee. She'd really missed him while she was away.
"As soon as Austin gets here - the festivities can begin," Andrea told them all with a smile. Taylor loved Christmas here at home. Her mom had a list of all the things that they wanted to do, and in July she'd message the family group chat and ask people for suggestions. She couldn't even remember participating in this year's discussion. "And I'll tell you what we're starting off with when he's here."
"I'm just going to get changed before we start doing things," Taylor told them, standing up. Joe stood beside her, taking her hand. "See you in a few minutes!"
As soon as they were outside, Taylor felt relieved. It had been so hot in there, and she often found that heat like that caused her anxiety to increase. She always felt her anxiety creep up when she was either too hot or too cold. She didn't know what it was that made it so bad, but it was almost always a trigger.
"What kinds of family activities do you and your family do?" Joe asked as they unlocked the door. Taylor took off her coat, hanging it on the back of the door. "It sounds like fun."
Taylor laughed. "Just wait until everyone's competitive sides come out." She paused, taking off her jersey. "Usually we all make gingerbread houses and see who can decorate one the best, or sometimes we watch a movie that we haven't watched before, and after the first five minutes, everyone has to guess the rest of the plot. At the end of it, we all compare what we wrote down and see who was closest. And then sometimes we'll find random things around the house to wrap, and then we have to see who can do it the fastest. That is very fun, and often involves a lot of laughing." Taylor couldn't help but laugh just thinking about it because it made her realise how much she'd really missed it all.
She pulled on a matching lounge set, that was a gorgeous lilac colour and came with both a singlet and a sweater, so she put on both. She pulled on a pair of cream-coloured socks and was relieved to wash the makeup off her face. She'd worn it to Abigail's because she wanted to at least look a little bit like she'd made an effort. She had brought a pair of fluffy Ugg sandals with her, which she put on to keep her feet dry as they walked back to the house.
She loved having the separation between her family and where they were sleeping. It was nice being able to have a little reprieve from it all, even if it was just for ten minutes. She walked into the lounge to see Joe sitting on the couch with his coffee in one hand, and a book in the other. "What are you reading?"
"Oh... it's nothing..." He shut the book and put it down on the table. "Just some more poetry, Emily Dickinson to be precise." Taylor knew that Emily was his favourite poet, so the fact he was reading a battered copy of her poetry wasn't a surprise.
"Are you ready to go back?" Taylor asked, and he smiled.
"Your parents are so lovely," Joe mentioned as they walked back inside. "I can really see why you're so beautiful and kind."
Taylor felt her cheeks run red.
Austin had just texted to say that he was pulling up the drive now, and she was so excited to see him. She was excited because it would be like the old times again, but it would be even better because Joe was here. The sun was beginning to set in the distance as they saw his car arrive. He got out of his car, and through the misty haze, came into the light.
"Hey, guys!" He said as he pulled his dad in for a hug, and then his mom. "It's been so long!" He hesitated before looking at Taylor. He barely glanced at her for longer than a second, before he looked down at the ground again. She noticed because she'd been made aware of things like that, and even though he only hesitated for a split second, she felt her stomach turn.
"Taylor! I feel like I haven't seen you in years." He wasn't going to hug her. The thought drilled its way into her head. He actually wasn't going to. She felt her insides crumble. Why didn't he want to hug her? She hadn't seen him in ages and here he was, shutting her out. She knew that it was common for people to feel awkward about the whole thing, but she figured that he'd at least be able to put it behind him. She thought about it for the entire time that Austin was bringing in his suitcase from the car, thought about it as Joe asked whether she was okay, and thought about it while they were sitting on the couch together. Thought about it as she bit the inside of her cheek until it was raw and bleeding.
He hadn't hugged her. In fact, he'd barely looked her way. Did she do something? She couldn't remember. Did she upset him? She hoped not. Had she forgotten something? She was sure that she hadn't. She'd gotten into the bad habit of biting her nails when she was anxious, and it wasn't until Joe had carefully pulled her hand away from her mouth that she'd realised she was doing it. She was half-listening to her mom talking about what they were going to do tonight, but she couldn't turn her mind off. Did her brother hate her now? Was he just going to refuse to talk to her for their entire trip? She didn't think she could cope if that happened. Taylor hated it when she felt like people were mad at her, or they hated her.
She heard her mom saying something about gingerbread houses. She didn't feel like doing that, didn't feel like being competitive. Not when Austin was refusing to look at her. Not when she felt like he was avoiding her like she was ruining this whole thing - like it would be better if she weren't there.
Her mom had set up the gingerbread houses on the dining table, and Joe sat beside her. She knew that Austin was avoiding looking at her when she was literally sitting right in front of him, and he looked at the wall beside him until they were ready. Taylor, with the stress and anxiety in the situation, began to feel hot. She pulled up her sleeves a little bit - not high enough that any of her scars were visible, but it gave her some air.
"Alright!" Her mom said. "You can use everything on the table to decorate with - but the white icing in the piping bag beside your gingerbread pieces is the specific icing you use for your house." Joe was holding her hand under the table. She was glad he was because she would be out the door before Austin could count to one. She picked up the piping bag, and watch Austin silently. He was talking to everyone else, introducing himself to Joe, talking about acting, talking with their mom about one of his old friends who had a baby now. But he wouldn't talk to her. He wasn't telling her about anything, wasn't asking her about anything... and she felt like she wanted to cry. Usually, she never felt like she was the elephant in the room, her family were pretty good at that, but now? She felt as if she was just a big grey cloud that everyone was trying to avoid.
Taylor started to decorate her gingerbread house, trying to ignore the fact that her hands were shaking. She was getting too hot now, she could feel herself start to panic. She didn't know why the heat made her feel like this, but it made her feel as if she couldn't breathe. She didn't want to show her arms to the world, didn't want them to see that many scars, but she had no choice. She took off her sweater, putting it on the chair behind her. She tried to pretend that the room hadn't gone silent, that she had three pairs of eyes staring at her. She knew that Joe wasn't staring, she knew that it didn't matter to him. She knew that he knew what it was like.
"Wow," Austin broke the silence and finally stared at her. She'd been waiting for this. She knew he'd been biting his tongue all evening. "What the fuck, Taylor?"
She hadn't expected his voice to be quite so sharp. She'd expected a sarcastic comment, but nothing like this. She'd never expected his voice to feel like she'd just been stabbed in the back.
"Austin." Their mom snapped.
"Oh, so now you decide to look at me?" Taylor snapped before their Mom could continue.
"Only because it looks like you'll shatter if I even fucking look at you-" Austin bit back.
"Stop-" Joe cut him off, but Taylor wanted to end this. As much as she appreciated him defending her, she needed to do this herself.
"How dare you..." She was standing now, her gingerbread house forgotten. "Don't you dare-"
"Austin... Taylor. Guys..." Their father was trying to calm them both down, and Joe had taken Taylor's hand. He wasn't telling her to be quiet, he wasn't telling her to sit back down. It was almost as if he'd taken her hand to remind her that she was allowed to fight her own battles. She could fight them on her own, that she didn't need anyone else, but that he was there with her if she needed him.
"No, Dad," Taylor snapped. "He can't just-"
"Why the fuck did you let him do that to you?" Austin was pretty much yelling now, and he was standing too. Her mom had her head in her hands. She tried telling her brother to stop, but he wouldn't. "But he didn't do all of those to you, did he?" He motioned to her arm, and Taylor put it behind her defensively. She felt the fight in her begin to leave. Austin had hit her too deeply, but he wasn't stopping now.
"No, that's right. You did that to yourself. You could have left, Taylor. Your apartment had a door. It's hardly that complicated."
"Austin, stop right now." Their mom warned.
"You have a fucking large number of friends and family that you could've come to, but you didn't. You chose to stay." She felt the darkness begin to creep into her mind. He was right. She could've left. "And I can't believe that you're doing that to yourself now! What the fuck is wrong with you, Tay-"
"Don't you dare finish that sentence, Austin." Her father said. He was angry. Taylor had already slipped from the room, trying hard to fight back against the darkness. It was gnawing at her mind, and she felt the tears begin to fall. She walked into the kitchen, pulled the first bottle of alcohol she could find out of the cooler and walked outside.
The worst part of it was that everything that Austin had said was true. She believed it with everything she was, that she was broken beyond repair. She went and sat outside, she didn't care that it was slightly raining, or that it was pitch black outside. There was yelling coming from inside, but her thoughts were so loud that she could ignore them. She put the bottle to her lips and waited in silence for the pain to go away.
She didn't know how long she'd been sitting out there before Joe came out. All she knew was that her head was fuzzy and she'd felt her pain turn to numbness.
"It's cold out here, my love. Let's get you inside." He paused as he saw the bottle of alcohol in her hands. "Have you been drinking?" He took it from her, and she tried to get it back from him but failed.
"Noooooo... that's mine..." She cried out as he checked how much was left. "And I don't drink. It's bad for my mental health."
"Was this bottle full when you came out here?" She was too drunk to notice what the tone of his voice said.
"Don't know, don't care." Taylor stumbled as she stood up. "I'm going to go for a swim in the pool." The idea excited her. She usually hated swimming. But here she was, drunk and ready to dive headfirst into a pool that had already frozen over once this winter.
"No, you're not." Joe grabbed her waist and pulled her out of the rain.
"I am! It's going to be so fun, I'm not even going to wear any clothes - because I don't feel the cold. Perhaps that's why there's something wrong with me." She burst out laughing. "Just like Elsa. Nobody understands me, just like her." This idea made her laugh so hard she couldn't stand straight, and she would have fallen if it wasn't for Joe. "You know what?"
"What..." Joe replied as he tried to get her to go inside. But she didn't want to go inside. Instead, she walked back out into the rain.
"You should come for a swim with me!" She giggled.
"Taylor, we're not swimming today." Joe couldn't hide the smile that fell onto his face. "It's freezing out here. Let's go inside and get you all warm - your clothes are sopping."
"Which is why I can go in the pooolll!"
He took her hand, pulling her towards their pool house. "We're not swimming."
"Joeeee!" She leaned up and kissed him, her kiss sloppy.
"No, Taylor." Joe wondered if anyone had ever told her that her voice sounded very British when she was drunk. "We can't - it's late, and you're drunk."
"Ugh, I am not!" Taylor scoffed. "I'm perfectly fine, thank you very much. I don't get drunk. In fact, I don't even drink!" This made her laugh again. "Okay, well, maybe I do... but not that much..."
Joe had managed to get her up the stairs of the poolhouse, and in through the front door. "I'm going to get you a drink of water."
"No!" But she could already feel her happy place begin to fade, could already feel her brother's words begin to sting as they sunk in. She stood at the door, and couldn't move. She was frozen. Austin was so right. She could've left. But she didn't. So it's all her fault. She did this to herself.
Her hands began to tremble, and she felt any shred of happiness fall from her reach. It's all her fault.
She felt her breathing become shallow, felt her heart rate speed up. "J-Joe ?"
He came into view, just before she felt herself fall apart again. Five words haunted her, tearing any piece of progress she'd made to shreds.
i t w a s a l l y o u r f a u l t .