*A/N: mentions of anxiety and depression, a brief elude of a potential suicide attempt*
The next few weeks were... difficult to say the least. You were dealing with your guilt, grief, shame, and sorrow, while ultimately learning how to forgive yourself which felt impossible. The first few days were spent in the panic room. They would bring in food to try and get you to eat, but it wasn't working well until Sam gave you a stern talking too and ultimately convinced you that you indeed needed food. Eventually, they were able to coax you out of the panic room. It scared you but you tried to hide it.
After the first few hours, Dean pulled you aside and told you that you could go back inside if you wanted and that he would go with you, but you knew this had to happen eventually so you stuck with it, giving him a strained smile to which he responded with a cheeky smirk and a kiss saying "that's my girl". Moments like this with him were always your favorite. It showed how deep your connection with your green-eyed hunter really was, and just how much he truly cared for you. It gave you butterflies that didn't sit right with your current mental state. You drifted in and out of loving spending time with Dean and hating yourself for enjoying it because you didn't deserve happiness. You would have breakdowns often and hope for your emotions and memories to consume you, but Dean stayed through it all. Refusing to leave your side. You didn't know how to thank him for all of the emotional support he was giving but he gave you a couple of ideas that made you giggle.
Dean stayed with you as your nightmares became worse, sending you into full-blown panic attacks in the middle of the night. He would pull you close and tell you to take deep breaths or try and match your own breathing with his. He would rub your arm or back or basically anywhere available to him and when you started to calm down he would slowly place warm kisses around your face and brush away your tears with his hand. He listened to you as you screamed at yourself and cried with you as you expressed your sorrow.
Sam, Garth, and Dean never left you alone, and though you acted like it was unnecessary you were beyond grateful. Dean would only leave for supplies while Sam and Garth were there with you, but other than that Dean was constantly by your side. He even passed up going on hunts with Sam and Garth which is saying something.
The boys tried to keep you away from the internet, but the one time you found yourself alone as Dean was going to make your lunch and Sam and Garth were out on a hunt you felt obligated to check the news through Garth's laptop that he was lending Dean. You couldn't help looking up what eventually happened to the town, and by the time Dean got back with your lunches, he found you in a mess of tears and self-hatred. Dean eventually was able to calm you down before you did something you would regret and decided you needed to go on a walk. He basically pulled you down the street, and at one point had to carry you, but once you made it to the destination it was like all of your emotions were flooded by a new sensation of beauty and awe. There was a little stream that Dean found while walking home with some coffee one morning and automatically knew that you would love it. There were different varieties of plant life and little frogs and he knew that it would soon become your favorite spot. From that day on, every day and even sometimes when the nightmares were bad, you and Dean would walk to the stream and watch the simplistic beauty unravel. You would close your eyes and listen to the water flow, and hear the little chirping of crickets or frogs. Taking deep breaths you would calm down and even offer a genuine smile at the fact that there was still some form of good in the world. You would smell the oak wood, and the earthy freshness that only comes from running water, and more than anything you could still smell the whisky, leather, and slight cinnamon of Dean's scent as he sat next to you, watching you intently.
"Why are you so good to me? After everything?" you asked him. He shrugged and looked at his hands for a moment before turning his sparkling eyes back to you.
"No y/n, you deserve better than what I can offer you," He said with a small smile. You could tell he was being genuine with his words as he looked into your eyes.
You leaned into his shoulder and he put his arm around you.
"No Dean. No one could treat me better"
You sat in silence the whole rest of the afternoon. Enjoying the sensations the scenery around you brought with it.
After a week or so of this usual routine, Sam and Garth tried to convince you to start hunting again. Dean had your back whatever you chose and wasn't surprised that you decided to hang back and ease your way into hunting through lore. Truth be told you were terrified of hunting again, and by the look Dean gave you, he knew it too though would never confront you about it. You were scared of how you would react to a kill. If she would get the best of you again. And you couldn't allow that. You didn't feel strong enough.
You currently had your legs on Dean as he was intently watching some crap doctor T.V. show that he seemed oddly interested in, but you admired his childish demeanor. You started thinking of how lucky you were to have him back after that whole year...
"Hey, Dean?" he gave you a small hum in response.
"What... what was purgatory like?" you ask hesitantly. You and Him never got the chance to really discuss his problems and you felt like an idiot for the self-loathing party you had been throwing yourself.
He turned his attention to you as he clenches his jaw and gives you a face that told you he didn't want to discuss it while still trying to appear pleasant.
"It was... purgatory. Probably just as the lore describes it. I don't know" he says turning back to the T.V. You decided to drop it, for the time being, seeing as Dean was in defensive mode, but it brought another question to mind that you couldn't let go of.
"Dean?" you ask again as he turns to you with a slightly annoyed expression. "Where is Kevin?"
Dean grabs the remote and flips off the T.V. as you set down the computer to move closer to him. "Kevin," he says with a deep breath. "Kevin left after the auction. He just.. poof. Gone. Sam and I tried to track him and Mrs. Tran down, but could never find them"
Dean looked both angry and disappointed as he told you, searching your eyes for any sign of what was going through your head right now. You were a little shocked and took a moment to process what he had told you.
"Oh" was all you said.
"Oh?" Dean asks sitting up straight. "That's all you got? 'Oh?'"
"What do you want me to say?" you ask softly, meeting his eyes again. They were growing darker with sorrow. Though he wouldn't admit to it, you could tell he felt guilty about the situation.
"Honestly I was expecting a little bit of anger. Some pushback about it" he says truthfully as his eyebrows knit together in confusion.
"Well, I am sad to hear that he left, but there isn't much we can do about it," you say as you both sit there quietly. "Maybe I can spend our free time trying to find him" you suggest as Dean huffs while reaching over to grab his beer.
"Knock yourself out sweetheart, but you are not going to find him. Believe me. Sammy and I tried"
He turned back on the T.V. as you thought through your own emotions on the situation. You had promised Kevin you would help him and were unable to. You failed him. You could only imagine the fear he or his mom could be going through while trying to stay off of Crowley's radar and you couldn't live with yourself if Crowley got to them already. You were determined to find Kevin, even if that meant stepping back into the limelight and taking up hunting again.
***
You didn't remember falling asleep but when you opened your eyes, sure enough, you were sprawled out on the table drooling onto your notepad.
"Morning" Sam says entering the room with a smirk and two cups of coffee.
"Uh... Morning" you say, attempting to wake yourself up while wiping off the dribble on your chin. Sam hands you the cup and sits down across from you, flipping open his laptop.
"Rough night?" Sam asks with a chuckle.
It took you a minute for your brain to catch up to you. Sam and Garth came back later that night, and you decided to stay up with Garth to help him with some case a hunter was working on. He was chasing The Great Boo. As in The Great Boo the aboriginal folklore. NUTS! It was definitely something you would normally want a slice of action out of, but not right now. You needed to ease your way back into hunting.
You take a sip of the coffee and shrug. "Actually it wasn't. It was probably some of the most restful sleep I have gotten in a while"
Sam nods in response as you hear the front door shut.
"Hey," Dean says walking into the room with a paper bag that was no doubt full of breakfast consisting of a variety of bagels.
"Hey" Sam replies as you smile at dean who looks like.. well.. he looks like hell. You were about to ask, but Sam beat you to it. "You look like you've s– well, I was gonna say, 'You look like you've seen a ghost,' but you'd probably be stoked. Uh, you okay?"
"Yeah. I'm cool. What's up?" Dean replies with a tinge of audible uncertainty, and you could tell something was up.
"Garth went out to help the hunter that was chasing down the... Big Boo?" Sam says turning to you, to which you nod in confirmation while taking another sip of your coffee. " When he left I started checking for cases and I saw that a kid went missing from a preschool"
"That sucks. And?" Dean says gruffly.
"And at the same time he vanished, a surprise tornado hit, lasted maybe 20 seconds, then... shazam! Back to perfect weather." Sam replies.
"Hmm. And they pooh-pooh climate change." Dean says as he makes his way over to your chair, snaking his arms around you. You and Sam both chuckle.
"Well, similar wackiness has happened over the past few weeks in other places, for example, In Tusla, a bus driver vanishes, and a river gets overrun with frogs. In New Mexico – a mailman disappears, the earth splits open."
"So, probably demons?" You say as you fill a switch flip inside you, making you uneasy.
"Possibly, but... I mean, this stuff was major. These folks have nothing in common – no religious affiliations, different hometowns, all ages. Why would demons want them?" Sam asks.
"Why do demons want anything?" Dean says moving so he could watch your expression. "You feel up to a hunt y/n?"
You shake your head with a quick "Yep" before getting up to pack your stuff. You could feel your demon starting to slowly awake deep inside you, but were intent you would not let it out. Never again.
"Y/n?" Dean asks from the doorway of the guestroom you had temporarily moved into.
You hum in response while zipping up your bag.
You felt a hand on your shoulder as Dean gently turns you around, looking into your eyes to make sure you were really okay.
"I am fine Dean. I really want to help out on a case" you say, putting on a fake smile.
"We don't have to. Sammy can handle this one" Dean says assuredly but you briskly shake your head.
"No Dean. You heard Sam. This is big stuff and I want to help." You say turning back around. You could hear Dean huff from behind you.
"Alright, but if you change your mind. Just tell me. I won't be upset."
You sling your bag over your shoulder and turn around, giving him a peck on the lips.
"Dean. I am fine. Really" you say again.
"Alright. Then let's hit the road." He says with a mega-watt smile.
***
Soon enough you were walking up to a house in FBI gear. Dean was most likely admiring your ass, as he had always liked to see you in a skirt (which wasn't that often) as Sam knocked on the door.
A young woman answers, looking hesitantly between the three of you.
"Mrs. Hagar? Agents Roth, Malloy, and Juniper. We want to speak to you about Aaron Webber's abduction." Sam says while pulling out his FBI badge.
"Like I told the police, one minute I was taking Aaron to get cleaned up, and the next minute... I woke up in a park three blocks away." Mrs. Hagar says in a shaky voice. You could tell she felt bad about the incident.
"And you have no memory of what happened?" You ask softly.
"N-No. He was just gone." She replies as his voice breaks.
"Can you think of any reason why somebody would want to harm him?" Dean asks sternly.
"He's five." She says, basically in tears.
"Now, when you woke up on the floor, were there any signs of a struggle?" Sam asked.
"No." Mrs. Hagar replied quickly.
"Did it Smell like sulfur?" you then ask.
"How did you know that?" She asks with wide eyes.
"Lucky guess," you say with a smile. "Thank you for your time."
Mrs. Hagar closes the door as you three walk down the steps.
"She is no longer possessed in case you two were wondering," you say getting into the back seat.
"At the moment," Sam adds. "But I'm willing to bet a demon got ahold of Aaron Webber." As the boys settled into the front seat, you felt your insides recoiling from the darkness inside you. You could feel it growing, and you knew that it would need fed in one way or another. There was no avoiding it. You were just hoping that hunting would keep it under control as it used to or that you could stay strong long enough to hold it back until it retreated.
***
The rest of the night went smoothly. You ordered take out, changed into some comfy clothes, and did some more research. There was only one room left at the motel, and luckily it was a double queen. You were snuggling your head onto Dean's lap as he read more about the missing person cases, enjoying his warmth from the cold stormy night.
"Dean... Are you okay?" you ask, not bothering to look up from the screen. He bends down and kisses your temple before continuing to scroll down the documents.
"I should be the one asking you that," he says with a small chuckle when he suddenly stiffens causing you to move your head to look at what had happened. As you move Dean jumps up, walking towards the window.
"Dean? You okay?" you ask worriedly. You stand up to follow him as Sam sits up.
"What's going on?" Sam asks, throwing the covers off of himself and sitting on the edge of the bed. You stand there watching Dean rigidly staring at the window but were unsure what to do or say.
"I don't know. I just saw something." Dean says, turning around with a confused expression that was laced with anxiety and guilt. You walk up to him and grab his hand, lifting it up to your lips to give it a soft kiss of comfort.
"What did you see?" Sam asks.
"...Cas," Dean says in disbelief.
You didn't really know what happened in purgatory with them, but you assumed that Cas never made it out since he hadn't shown up and Dean didn't mention him ever.
"Cas? Where?" Sam asks, not understanding.
"Right there. And – and – and earlier, on the road. I feel like I'm seeing him." Dean says as his guilt rises to the surface. He looks at you as you stare at him.
"That's not possible. I mean, you said it yourself. You made it out and he didn't, right?" Sam says, rather harshly. You could tell the words stung deep into Dean.
"I tried so damn hard to get us the hell out of there," Dean says, turning away from you back to the window, letting go of your hand.
"I know you did," Sam says gently.
"You know, I could have pulled him out," Dean says, shaking his head in shame. You hated seeing Dean like this. Chewing himself up over things beyond his control. "I just don't understand why he didn't try harder."
You wanted to just wrap yourself around Dean, and provide him the comfort and reassuring words he so desperately needed, but was unsure how Dean would take it at that moment.
"Dean," You say, moving closer and placing your hand on the side of his face so that he would look at you. "I know you did everything you could."
"Oh yeah? Then why do I feel like crap?" Dean asks as anger and sorrow filled his voice.
"Survivor's guilt?" Sam offered but you shook your head, but Dean hummed in response.
"No Dean. It's not survivor's guilt. Sometimes, despite how hard you try, things don't go your way. Bad things happen. And though it isn't your fault, it still hurts like hell to see after everything you have done, you were unable to accomplish what you set out to do. Sometimes that means saving the people you wanted to save." You say gently, searching his eyes for a spark of understanding. He just stared at you, broken-hearted and guilt-ridden.
"If you let it, this is gonna keep messing with you. You got to walk past it." Sam says, making you a little angry. Though you agree with what he said, right now Dean needed to mourn his friend. His best friend, and from what you knew, just about his only true friend.
Sam gets up and gives Dean a brotherly pat on the shoulder before heading to the bathroom to shower. You run your hand down Dean's neck, following his side down to his arm, but he grabs your hand and lifts it back up to his cheek.
"Why are you so good to me?" He asks as you see his eyes start to glass over. You look at him, taking in all of the stress crinkles on his face and the slight stubble on his chin, admiring every freckle that powered his cheeks. You move your hand again to grab him and pull him back to the bed. Setting him down to rest against the headstand as you crawl over the top of him, straddling him with one leg on each side of his body. You continue to admire him while playing with his hair as he wraps both arms around your waist.
"Maybe it's because of your big heart" you finally reply.
"What heart?" he says in a sarcastic tone. You feel your face fall into a frown as you meet his eyes again.
"That big heart you wear on your sleeve that you try to cover with that leather jacket and bad boy smirk," You say returning to playing with his hair.
Dean grabs your hands and kisses them both before placing them on his chest as you smile. You lean your head into the crook of his neck and take a deep breath, letting his scent fill your senses and slowly lull you to sleep.