Ding Dong Dead by schofield26 schofield26
~Chapter I~ (Chapter Title)
Contemporary (Genre)
Games (Themes)
First Person Present (somewhat consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)
---------------- 12.16.2020 -----------
The first thing I noticed about your chapter was that it's one big text together. Therefore, we're unable to comment on each segment individually. I'm not sure what's caused this formatting error but you may want to look into that.
The next thing I noticed was the first line that said, "her sisters." Is that a typo? Should it be "my sisters?"
You were able to capture the moments well. You were also able to focus the reader on one point with clarity. That being said, sadly, as a first chapter, this doesn't do what it's meant to.
Each part of the story has a function. The first chapter has a few functions, too.
- Establish the genre: I couldn't tell what genre this was. Action/Adventure/Romance/Sci-Fi/Fantasy etc
- Establish the MC(s): This part I think is okay. But I don't know her name. I also don't know if James will be a main character or not. We delve deep into his personal life but never hers (unless relating to him).
- Establish the time period: I'd say it was modern. That aspect was established.
- Tension: Tension isn't a requirement but it helps the chapter resonate. It also means forward momentum where the story is building up into something suspenseful, thus encouraging the reader to travel on to chapter 2. You don't really have that here. It starts off a bit tense, but then fizzles.
- A Life-Changing Event/Decision: What is the life-changing event, or decision? Why did you choose THIS particular day to start this story and not the day before or the day after? If getting that phone call was that change then more emphasis may need to be put on it.
My final concern is Chekhov's Gun. We delve into things that don't seem to be part of the story (buying food) while glossing over other areas (her job, her day off, what it means to her).
Chekhov's Gun states that anything you mention in great detail MUST come back again later on. If there's a gun in chapter 2, then by chapter 5 it must go off. I think you need to apply it here.
It's more than obvious that you've got a great story to tell. A bit of fine-tuning the engine will facilitate that. Your strong points are your attention to detail, and ability to capture the moment.
Prologue?
Skipped. As a rule, I do not read prologues.
Does this need an edit?
Yes. The formatting is off and there were a few errors I could not select and comment on due to the formatting.
Would I read on?
Yes/No. Without a clear idea of...
A. the clear conflict
B. hints of what's to come (quest, adventure, romance, power struggle)
C. a clear possible solution for the MC
...then I wouldn't be too eager to jump to the next chapter.
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