*WARNING: mentions of suicidal thoughts, dark themes, trigger warnings*
***Y/N Pov***
You fought for so long to keep her under control, but you knew one day she would get the best of you. You didn't want to enjoy the sound of screams or the adrenalin rush that came from watching the light fade from someone's eyes... but how could you stop it? How could you stop your dark tendencies from taking over? It was a battle that could never be won...
You wanted to give up. Hell, you did give up because it was the only way to cope with your actions. You knew what you were doing, what you were feeling, and you tried to stop it but it was too late. How else could you justify what you were doing unless you let her take control? She was the one killing. She was the one enjoying it. But deep down you knew that wasn't true. You are a part of her and she a part of you. You knew that blaming her wasn't justification for what you were doing, and after you nearly killed Garth and were going to kill Sam you knew you had to take control and conquer it, even if it was just enough time to end it all...
You pushed the enjoyment and anger aside and slowly with time she relaxed and settled into her rightful place, only making an appearance to haunt your dreams with the monstrosities you had committed. Thought it wasn't what you would consider fully 'you', you remembered Dean, Sam, and Garth coming in to feed you. You had been refusing food for the past couple of days, and they were starting to get worried, but now that you were regaining control you permitted small snacks. Usually, it was Garth that came in to check on you. You guessed that Dean and Sam didn't want a part of this, that they thought you were a burden that needed to be put down. You even guessed they would have left earlier unless they thought you were a danger to Garth. It killed you that they would think that little of you, but you couldn't blame them, especially after all you had done... all you would have continued to do.
"Garth?" you ask as he opened the door, bringing in a sandwich this time to try and get you to eat more.
"Y/n? Is it you?" He asked setting the plate down on the bedside table and looking into your eyes.
"I- I think so" You stutter out, not sure what else you could say.
"How would we know?" Garth asks with a pained expression.
You didn't know how to answer. You didn't know what you could do or say to show you were in control again, and maybe you didn't want to incase she decided to rise up again when you were too vulnerable to stop her.
"Garth I promise it's me," you say, earnestly surprising you. You felt tears well up in your eyes so you close them and try to choke them back, pleading that all the human emotions would go away but you could feel your demon taunting you.
Look how weak you are. You miss me. You miss not feeling all of this. She whispers from deep in your soul but you push it aside. You felt her intentions and she wanted you to suffer, and suffering is exactly what you wanted to do. You deserved it after all. You deserved to drown in your own misery. In your own guilt. And that is exactly what was taking over.
Garth looks into your eyes and proceeds to unclip your hands form the restraints. You sit up and feel nauseous from the thought of food and tears started to trickle down your face as you felt the guilt crushing your lungs.
"You know how I know it's you?" Garth asked, grabbing your hand. "Your demon doesn't feel guilt like that"
You lean into him and he comforts you, stroking your hair and letting you cry into his shoulder. Garth had always been a dear friend. A best friend. After all the years he had become family.
"Garth I can't take it" you sob. "I can't do this anymore"
"Yes, you can y/n. You are the strongest person I know, and I know a lot of strong people" he says with a small smile. You had always talked with Garth about your demon, ever since he found out what you were. He asked questions and you gave honest answers. Garth and Bobby were the only ones who had any idea what it was like to keep it at bay. They saw your struggle. Your strife. Your lust for blood. Your need for a kill. Something you had tried to hide from Sam and Dean for so long. But it was no point in hiding it now. They could see you for what you were, and hopefully, they would end your suffering quickly.
You cry for a little longer until you run out of tears and proceed to back up against the headstand of the bed as Garth offers you the sandwich.
"You need to eat y/n. You have been surviving off of nothing but pop tarts and holy water for 3 days"
"Garth... I can't. I..." you didn't know how to explain what you were feeling between nausea, guilt, and numbness. You just knew the food wouldn't help.
He nods, understanding, and sets down the plate.
"Want to talk about it?" he asks. He had always been so straight forward. Never lying. Never dancing around the subject.
Memories started flooding your skull of what you had done and you felt the weight on your chest triple. You wanted to die. Hell, you were praying for death, but it wouldn't come. Not yet anyway because you knew you needed to suffer for what you did.
"Please y/n. We need to know" Garth says, his eyes reflecting a pain similar to your own. You knew he cared, you knew he could understand in part, but you didn't want to say it. Talking about it made it real, but you knew they needed to know. Maybe then they would understand why you needed to leave. Why you were planning on never seeing them again.
You nod. And Garth squeezes your hand. "Can I get Sam and Dean?" he asks and you feel your heart sink deeper into the abyss in your chest. You had disappointed them too many times to count. You knew you didn't deserve the kindness they extended to you before, but now... the thought of them trying to act like it was all fine was unbearable. You knew Sam would be upset but play it off, and Dean... to be honest you were hoping he would get so angry he would end you. End your existence. And that would be that.
"They have been so worried about you. Dean has hardly slept or eaten because of it. He didn't even accept pie"
You knew Garth meant well, but the fact they all were worrying over a monster like you made you feel worse, and if you thought you were suffocating before, you were now drowning. You wish you had more tears, but you were letting the numbness consume you. It was a mechanism your psyche had developed when she took over the first time and something it had continued to do for your own emotional protection since. Some of the worst nightmares would be met by this outcome, but it had been a while since you felt it so strongly overtaking you.
You look at your hands, not knowing what you say.
"Please y/n."
You just nod. Not knowing if your voice would even work at the moment.
Garth squeezes your hand once again before getting up and walking towards the door.
"I'll make sure to grab a water too," he says more to himself than you before exiting the room.
You felt yourself tighten with anxiety at the thought they could be back at any minute, and felt the aching in your chest intensify with every breathe, slowing erasing the numbness from your body. You hated this. You hated yourself. And you wanted nothing more than for the empty to claim you.
You look up at the sudden movement in your peripheral vision. It was Dean. Your Dean with worry and relief entangled about his expression. He said nothing as he slowly approached the bed, keeping his beautiful eyes locked with yours. He stopped at the side of your bed, as you attempted to hold your breath, scared that at the slightest change, his eyes would look at you with disgust. In slow movements, he sat down on the bed next to you. He was nearly falling off of the small twin bed, but he managed to scoot closer to you. You were petrified. Not knowing if you should say anything, much less do anything. He searched your eyes for what felt like an eternity before crashing his lips into yours.
You were stunned. Of all the reactions you would expect, this was not one of them, but you couldn't help but melt into his embrace as tears streamed down your face yet again. He pulled you closer to him, wrapping his arm around you tightly and using his other hand to cup your face. He slowly broke the kiss letting you nuzzle your head into the crook of his neck to cry once again. He said nothing as he stroked your hair and peppered the side of your head with kisses, never releasing you from his embrace. You sat like that for a while until your breathing calmed down and tears stopped. You felt the weight begin to set again in your chest, causing the guilt to consume you.
"Y/n" Dean says in a soft voice, but you couldn't look up at him. "I didn't know if we would get you back..."
His voice broke causing you to look up and notice that he had also been crying.
"I was so worried I wouldn't..." He said as he moved one hand to wipe off his face.
You said nothing.
"I... y/n... I am so sorry. About everything. About how I treated you, about how I pushed you away, and... I know you must hate me for it all, but y/n you can't leave me. Not again baby girl. I was so lost without you. I don't know if I could live like that again. I just hope you can accept me as a dumb ass who is trying to be better. Do better. Become better. I just want to be part of your life y/n. I was so wrong for pushing you away." He cries.
It broke your heart. He had been beating himself up over all this as much as you had, and you didn't even know what to tell him. What to say.
"I just hope you can forgive me" he says quietly.
You knew what you could say to that.
"Dean," you say so gently. His teary green-eyes turn to yours, showing you that you had his full attention. "You can't get rid of me that easily". You say as you kiss his lips. He gently kisses back, letting you take control as you ask permission for your tongue to enter which he agrees to. You explore his mouth, admiring the taste and the feeling before pulling away to rest your forehead against his. "I am not going anywhere," you say, though your mind was screaming at you to not make promises you can't keep. He kisses you again before letting you nuzzle yourself onto his chest, practically laying on top of him. You lay like that for a few minutes as the realization of what you said sits in. You couldn't live with yourself after all you had done, and soon enough anxiety and fear paralyze you as you realize the mistake you had made. You can't live in this world... you don't deserve this happiness. The guilt envelops your emotions as you see Sam enter the room with a sad smile upon his face.
"Hey y/n," he says approaching the bed and sitting down in the chair. "Glad to see your back"
You offer up a small smile but you could tell he didn't buy it. Dean tightened his hold on you, probably recognizing your change in demeanor as Garth walks in with a water glass in hand.
"For you, m'lady." he says with a goofy bow. You sit up off of Dean and accept the glass, suddenly realizing how dehydrated you really were.
"Thank you," you say, drinking it all in one go.
He smiles and sits criss-cross on the floor as the room goes silent.
"Want to tell us what happened?" Sam asks hesitantly.
You take a breath as you feel everyone watching you intently when you feel a sudden warm hand on your lower back causing you to stop the shivering you didn't even know had been present.
"There... I... " you start as you feel your throat start to close as you will yourself to recall the events.
"Take your time Sweetheart," Dean says assuringly as Sam gives you a small smile.
"Reigner called in my contract"
"Who's Reigner?" Sam asks gently.
"The man Plutus was working with at the auction those couple months ago."
"The dick that Plutus gave your contract too" Dean states.
"Y-Yes," You say stutter.
"He a-" Garth starts but you quickly cut him off.
"No, he's human. I could tell."
Garth nods and you continue.
"Well, he called in the contract and invited me to a small town in Colorado where he... laid out what I would be doing."
You stared down at your hands as your eyes filled with tears. "He... he wanted me to massacre the town. The entire town."
It was silent as you fought to hold back the sobs rising in your throat.
"I... My contract... It was full proof. Plutus knows my tricks and knows what to look for. It had to be full-proof otherwise there was no way he would accept my deal."
"What would happen if you didn't fulfill the contract?" Garth asks.
"I would die. My soul would go to hell most likely. "
It is quiet for another minute before continuing on.
"I told him no. I wouldn't do it, but it was hard to keep her at bay... it was hard for me not to let my excitement get the best of me."
At this point, you knew you couldn't lookup. Garth knew how you felt with your inner demon but you had never discussed it with Sam and Dean, and you couldn't imagine how they were looking at you. It wasn't that you wanted to get excited about prospects like this, but you couldn't help it because she was you and you were her, just one wanted to be good and one wanted to be, well, evil.
"Reigner got angry but tried to hide it and picked up a knife off of the table and stabbed the man that was tied up and I couldn't hold her back anymore. I snapped. I didn't mean too, but normal hunts weren't satisfying her and it was too hard. I tried to get her back under control for the first few kills but after I got to a certain point... I couldn't help but let her finish. All this.... guilt... shame... it was unbearable so I let myself go. I let my human side go to ignore the feelings and relished in the excitement and adrenaline my demon side provided me. It was weak. I was weak. And It was wrong. I deserve to die for what I did... all the people I murdered..."
Everyone was stunned. And no one said a word as you sobbed quietly to yourself.
"I don't deserve to be on this earth anymore. I have done more harm than good." you cry shakily. You then turn to Garth, not willing yourself to look at Sam and Dean. "I need you to fulfill your promise" you cry out.
Garth's face paled further than it already was. "w-what?"
"Don't make me repeat myself" you manage to say between your deep throated sobs.
"What promise?" Sam says. He sounded worried which surprised you.
"It's nothing," Garth says as his cheeks redden a little. Blushing was always his tell and he was always a bad liar. You could tell from his expression Sam and Dean were staring him down. He took a big gulp and continued. "I promised that if it got bad I would make sure she didn't hurt anyone..."
"You WHAT?" Dean roared. Pulling his hand off of you and standing up off of the bed. Garth scooted back away, lifting his hands up in defense.
"But that doesn't matter right now. She isn't bad. She's y/n, not that demon." Garth says quickly.
"Tell that to the people I killed" I say coldly feeling my anger rise in my chest.
"But that wasn't you! You were able to get it under control!" Garth says, his eyes pleading for you to listen.
"Yes, it was. I let her out. My hands performed the work. Hell, I even enjoyed it. And though I regret it all, I wasn't strong enough."
"But you were alone" Sam chimes in. "You were dealing with it all by yourself"
You turn to look at him and his eyes were dewy from the tears he was holding back.
"Sam it was better that way. I would have killed you too"
You look between Garth and Sam, and then to Dean who was looking at you with the most devastating look you have ever seen on his face, making your guilt sink into your stomach.
"Y/n, that wasn't you. Not the Y/n I know. That was him, all him, that pompous bastard that we are going to hunt down until the day we die for what he did to you."
You were shocked. You didn't expect them all to be on the side of your living, and it wrecked you. You wanted them to be okay with your death. It was necessary. Who know's when you would snap again? Who knows if you can even keep her down if she decides to take control?
"Dean.." you say calmly, Trying to settle his rage. "I stabbed him too"
They all look at you quizzically.
"It was the first thing I did once I let her out. He was part of the town too and so I killed him."
"So that was the end of the contract. Done deal." Garth says.
"But it was too late... the idea was already rooted in my mind. I couldn't stop it"
Everyone was quiet again as the reality set in.
"I am too dangerous. Who knows when I will lose a battle with her again."
You sit in silence for a long time after that. You looked between the three men. Garth continued to sit on the floor. Switching between looking at his hands and looking at you with pitiful eyes. Sam did the same, but tried to hide his tears with a stern mask, but it didn't work on you. You knew him too well. Dean paced the room. Anger on his features but when he would stop and look at you, he would soften and his eyes would go glassy.
"What about we call it a night," Sam says, his voice breaking from the emotional strain.
"I agree," Garth says, standing up.
Sam motions for you to follow but you shake your head. "Sam, I rather be stuck in here than risk killing someone out there"
He nods. "Want someone to stay with you?" His puppy dog eyes plead.
"Damn it, Sammy, she isn't going to be in here alone! I am staying with her." Dean shouts, letting his anger show more fully.
Sam gives you a small smile and leaves the room as Dean continues pacing. After what felt like hours he turns to you, piercing you with his sharp jaded eyes as he walks towards you and promptly sits on the bed.
"Do you really think that little of yourself? You don't think you have done that much good? Y/n, how many families have you saved this year alone? How many individuals? How many evil creatures have you killed in order to protect a city? Y/n I know you have done some pretty messed up things, but you changed. You overcame it and now, what, you want to give all that up because of a relapse? You want to quit? NO! Hell, no sweetheart! We don't quit. We never have and never will. It's the family motto- saving people. Hunting things. The family business.- And like it or not sweetheart, you are family. Our family. And you don't get to get rid of us so easily" He finished climbing into bed next to you and pulling you on top of him and holding you tightly.
His words caused your emotions to unfurl, making you feel lost but grateful for what he said. It triggered something you thought was long gone... hope. Hope that you could get back on your feet, that you could find a cure for your condition, and this time you were determined to not let her out. You had Dean again. Your Dean. And your best friend Sam and quirky compadre Garth. You could trust them with your darkest feelings and deepest emotions. They were your family. And you were not going to give up.
Even if it was just for them.
*A/N: Hello everyone, It is a hard time of year for so many and this year has been harder and stranger than most. I just wanted to remind you not to give up. You have people in this world that love you. I love you and am willing to talk if you need it (just message me... but I am not on that often so please be patient I try to jump on whenever I can). You can do so much good in the world and overcome anything. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts I would highly encourage calling the suicide prevention hotline (U.S. number: 800-273-8255) or talking with a trusted friend or family member. I know the hotline has helped me through some dark times and they can help you too. There is a cause for hope in this world and you can do so many amazing things. Don't give up. There are good things ahead.
On another note, make sure to be kind to one another. We never know what others are going through so it is always best to stay positive and stay kind. Watch out for one another and don't be afraid to ask someone who you think is struggling if they need help. We have the power to make a difference in this world.
Stay strong. Don't give up. And Always Keep Fighting. I love you all!*