THERE IS SOMETHING about sharing my relationship with Greyson with my family that terrifies me. I thought telling Stevie was going to be hard, but somehow, telling my mom is going to be harder. Not because I don't think she'll be happy for me, but because she will definitely not be okay with the living situation we are in. Not that I entirely blame her for that, but I know hiding it isn't going to help the situation either.
My lungs are on fire as I try to calm my breathing, fixing the buckle on my belt as I smooth my hands over my checkered pants. I adjust the high waist and exhale as I pull on the hem of my shirt, glancing in the mirror at my appearance as I shift on my foot to eye my reflection. The gold chains around my neck compliments the warm brown tones of my clothes and I slowly squeeze my eyes shut tight.
For the last week, I've been going back and forth over the pros and cons of telling my mom about Greyson. He said it was my choice, and I want to make the right one. I want to tell her the whole truth, but I don't know what good it will do. Telling her will likely mean moving out and I like our situation. I like living off campus. I like having a space outside of school to go.
I like having Greyson as a roommate, and friend, and boyfriend.
I like being around him.
The sound of my phone buzzing against my comforter gains my attention as I turn to grab it, my lips curl up at the sight of Greyson's smiling face. It relieves some stress in my chest as I answer his call, bringing it up to my ear.
"Hey! Are you almost home?" I ask. "We should leave soon if we're going to make it to dinner with my mom and Isaiah on time."
"That's what I'm calling about," he says. "They moved our deadline up, and I've got to get this track finished up so head on without me and I'll meet you at the restaurant."
"Oh, okay," I say. "Are you still going to be able to make it?"
"Yes, absolutely," he reassures me. "It's important to you, Robyn. I'll be there."
I swallow as I settle on the end of my bed, pulling my foot up onto the base of the bed frame. "Okay... are you still okay with telling her about us?"
"Yeah, if you're ready to tell her."
"Okay," I say, biting down on my bottom lip. "She may be against me staying here."
"Then we figure it out."
The confidence in his voice eases the racing in my chest, letting me catch my breath. He's right. The two of us can figure this out, no matter the outcome because it's what we do best. We found our timing and we've made it work this far. There's nothing standing in the way of us now. Not when we have each other to count on.
"Yeah, we will," I say, smiling to myself as I get up. "I'll see you in a little bit, okay?"
"Seven o'clock."
"Yeah."
"Bye Rob."
"Bye," I say as I end the call and set my phone face down on the dresser, taking one last glance at myself in the mirror.
I have it in me to be honest with the people in my life. The distance that I've dealt with has stemmed from my family, but I've grown to overcome that controlling my life. Maybe it is hard to let people in, fearing the worst of what will happen when they let you down, but avoiding the hurt has never helped anyone either. I can be someone's and still be my own person.
There doesn't have to be a thin line between the two.
I don't have to hold out on being with someone because it somehow weakens who I am as a person. I found strength in my mom, overcoming a divorce and standing on her own two feet to be a better mom and a successful career woman. I found faith in Stevie, faith in the good of people. I found courage to shine in my happiness in Isla, who never lets anything keep the smile off her face. And in Greyson I found the bravery to be vulnerable, to be open.
The people in my life have encouraged my honesty, with myself and with them, and I don't want to stop it now. There is nothing to hide, and telling my mom, it makes it real. It's not just our bubble anymore, and the few people we've let in. It's the whole world.
My whole world.
***
"Robyn!"
My lips curl up when I spot my mom's hand in the restaurant's crowd, still stationed in her seat as she lifts her hand to wave me over. I adjust the strap of my purse and head for the table, spotting Isaiah in the seat next to her with his gaze focused on his phone. She stands when I get to the table and pulls me into her tight embrace.
"I've missed you, honey."
"I missed you, too," I say as I wrap my arms around her, sinking into her warmth. "You too, booger," I say as I lean over Isaiah's shoulder, wrapping my arms around him. "How are you?"
"Okay." He shrugs as I slide into the booth across from their chairs. "How's school?"
"Over," I say with a laugh. "It was good, though. Little bit stressful, but what isn't?"
"Where's Greyson?" My mom asks, her observant eyes settled on me. "I thought he was going to be joining us tonight?"
"He will be," I tell her, smoothing my hands over my thighs as I cross one leg over the other. "His deadline got moved up, so he was finishing up a track before he heads over. He should be here soon."
"How is that going for him?"
"Good," I say, my pride showing through. "He got signed a few weeks ago, and he's been really busy trying to get his first EP produced and recorded."
"That's great, Robyn," she says. "You've gotten close these last few months."
"Yeah, we have," I say and nervously rubbing my hands together before picking at my buckle. "It's been really great. He's become one of my best friends."
"I'm glad to hear it," she says before her face grows serious. "Now I think we need to talk about your living situation. You promised me this thing with Greyson was going to be temporary."
"When I said that, I thought it was."
"Robyn, as grateful as I am for Greyson giving you a home when the housing offices messed up. You were never supposed to stay there long term, and I'm not sure how comfortable I am with you living with a boy," she says. "You're eighteen."
"Exactly," I say, smiling weakly. "I'm an adult and I can make my own decisions."
"I understand that."
"I know you're worried about it, but Greyson's been nothing short of wonderful," I tell her. "And I like living off campus. It gives me an escape from it all."
"How long do you have to decide if you want a dorm next semester?"
"Probably a week, maybe two."
"Okay, let's give it a little longer to decide," she says, the corners of her lips curling up slightly. "I'd like to talk to Greyson a little bit before we decide. Speaking of which, did he know how long he was going to be before he joined us?"
"No, but he said he'd be here," I assure and reach into my purse for my phone. My eyes land on the screen as I open our texts and type out a quick message.
Robyn
Are you going to be here soon?
I lift my head as I tuck it back into my bag to see them both looking at me with a watchful look. My worry that he's not going to show settling in its place, but I force it down knowing that he said he'd be here and I believe him. He has no reason to lie to me about this. Not when he knows how important it is to me for him to be here.
"He'll be here."
"Okay," she says and my lips curl up, but in the back of my head the wheels start to turn. I know he said he'd meet me here, but what if he forgot? I need him to be here or I'll lose the courage to tell my mom about our relationship. "How are the girls doing?" she asks, changing the subject, and I'm grateful for the distraction.
"They're good," I tell her. "Really good, actually! Isla's been really enjoying her program, and she joined the paper at school. Stevie's happier than she's ever been now that her and Felix are in one place."
"I'm glad to hear it, and how was the wedding?"
"Beautiful."
"Riker was the one that got married, right?"
"Yeah," I say as a server approaches our table, silencing us before we can say anything else. There is a warm and welcoming look written on his face, but it doesn't stop the lack of Greyson being here to overflow my thoughts. My gaze shifting from the table to the entrance, worried about his whereabouts. A twist in my stomach making me ill.
"Hi, are we ready to order?"
"Actually, we're just waiting for one more," she says as I light up the screen on my phone, hoping to find a response from Greyson. I exhale slowly and I straighten in my seat, moving my hands down to the leather bench as I set my phone aside.
"Okay, no worries," he says. "I'll make my rounds and come back."
I swallow as he walks away, leaving us on our own as I rub a coarse curl between my fingers, pulling it straight before letting it go. My mom falls back into conversation with Isaiah while my focus falls to my phone, hoping that I'll hear something or Greyson will walk through the door, but the longer I sit, the easier it is to know he's not coming.
"We should order," I say, sitting up a little straighter. "I don't think he's coming."
"Are you sure?"
I nod my head and tuck my phone into my purse, exhaling slowly. Maybe I was crazy to think he was going to be here, or worse, something happened that kept him from coming. I try to keep an open mind, reminding myself that he knew how important this was to me. He said it himself. He knew I wanted him here, so whatever kept him from coming or answering my text had to be important. He wouldn't have bailed on me if it hadn't been.
It had to be important.
Dinner leaves me in agony, waiting for it to be over so I can go home and figure out where I went wrong. I try to be present with my mom and Isaiah, but with my mind racing a mile a minute, it's nearly impossible and when we finally pay and part ways in the parking lot, I can't keep myself from reaching for my phone once I'm in my car.
My message notifications are still blank, my text to Greyson left unread, and I swallow my fear and open Instagram. There has to be a reason for his absence. He said he would be there and I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but when my finger hangs over Jonas' story, knots form at the sight of Greyson's smiling face at a restaurant three minutes ago.
Anger boils beneath the surface of my skin, knowing he didn't show for a reason, and the pain of why settles over my chest. I close my eyes as I try to convince myself there's a reasonable explanation behind all of this. He wouldn't have just left me to fend on my own without a reason.
I'm going to get home and when I see him, he'll explain and it'll all make sense. I don't want to be mad at him for bailing on me, but the longer I'm behind the wheel, the harder it is to keep myself focused on maintaining my anger. He has to have a reason.
There is a reason.
And I need it to be something I'm okay with, instead of what I'm fearing worse—that he changed his mind about me. About us. We've barely started and getting mad is going to drive him further away than he feels right now.
It somehow feels like there are miles between us and the harder I think about it, the worst I feel. Did we run into this too quickly? Is this his way of pulling away? Am I in over my head? And when I take a deep breath, I squeeze my eyes shut and take the drive home to cool off, but when I get home, the knots in my stomach tighten.
Maybe this is too much.
Since the wedding, I've been sleeping in Greyson's room with him, and I can't bring myself to step foot inside. I don't want to be mad at him for not showing up, but I am. He left me waiting for him, hoping that he'd show up and when I shut the door, I reach for the lock on the knob and change into something to sleep in.
I don't know what's happening, but I need for it all to settle. I feel like I'm swimming in the deep end with no way back to shore, and I'm treading, trying to stay afloat, but the longer I think, the easier it is to forget to keep myself above the surface. I could pretend like I'm okay, but I'm not. I'm worried and I don't want to be.
The shake of my doorknob forces me to sit up as the shadow of light under the door moves with the Greyson's shift in weight. I could get up and answer the door, but a part of me knows it's best to wait this out. I can't talk to him right now, not when I know I'll say something I don't mean.
Or worse, something I do.