: cuz I really need somebody, tell me you're that somebody :
༄
☁️ Loyalty ☁️
"Gorgeous, I have ta' go, 'ight? I'mma talk ta' you later," Michael told me over the phone as I was at work, and he was about clock in. I still had another hour or so until my break, and we weren't as busy today which I was beyond thankful for. I've been tryin' to work as much as I could so I'd be able to save up to finally get a damn car, so I wouldn't have to rely on Michael or Reese or my brother. Not that I didn't appreciate their willingness to help, but I just wanna be able to get to places on my own whenever I needed it and let them go on about their lives.
"Okay," I replied, "Tell Lilo I said hey!"
"Lilo's sassy ass can suck my dick," Michael smartly replied before I let out a light laugh, and we exchanged goodbyes for real this time. Once I hung up the phone, I placed it into my back pocket and pushed the line of carts from the corral and back inside. When I finished that, I approached one of the checkouts where one of my coworkers, Kassidy, looked like she was havin' trouble talkin' to one of the customers.
Amazin' way to start my morning.
"I already done tol' yo old ass that you can't return nothin' without a damn receipt. So yo ass betta' find somewhea' in yo house full'a cats to put it," Kassidy scolded an old white lady, who honestly didn't even look that old fa' real—the only thing that gave it away was her gray and white hair, and the wrinkles along the creases of her eyes.
"Um, is there an issue?" I inserted myself into the conversation, standin' behind the register beside Kassidy and the two along with a Hispanic couple waiting in line, who looked quite entertained by the situation.
"Yes," the white lady emphasized, "I've been tryin' to return this item, but your friend won't do her job and give me my money back!"
"I'm doin' my damn job by tellin' you, you need a receipt!" Kassidy exclaimed with gritted teeth, careful not to voice herself to loudly.
"I wanna speak to your manager," the lady demanded, a false smile painted my face as I let out a forced laugh. We got rude customers like her all the time, and Kassidy doesn't do too well with customers like that—obviously.
"I'm sorry ta' disappoint you, ma'am, but our manager is jus' gonna tell you the same thing that she's tellin' you—you can't return items without a receipt," I informed her in a more polite manner, and she just glared at me while crossing her arms. I knew this one was gonna be stubborn, so I tightly smiled and tried my absolute best to remain respectful.
"This is ludicrous!"
"So is keepin' these people held up, while they've been patiently waitin' to get their things ringed up," I smartly replied, my tone very passive aggressive while I gestured to the couple. They stayed quiet during this whole thing, just waiting for it to be over. Either they're really nosy, or they got a free day to themselves. "I suggest you leave before things get worse for you."
"I'm never coming back here," the lady emptily threatened, "This new generation has absolutely no manners whatsoever."
"Says the one who just tried ordering us around," Kassidy jerked her head back, "Iss' 'cuz we Black ain't it? You thought two Black women was s'posed to do watchu' say 'cuz you walk in hea' all White and demanding?"
The lady's face began to turn red and she scanned our surroundings and her eyes grew wide from Kassidy's accusation, now embarrassed.
"I am not racist. I have tons of close friends who are Black," she ignorantly replied and I just rolled my eyes and crossed my arms, and Kassidy scoffed.
"Literally the exact words of every racist person ever," Kassidy said, staring the lady down. Huffing, the lady eventually stormed out of the store mumbling all types of profanity and Kassidy and I exchanged looks before bursting into a fit of laughter.
"I'm so sorry about that," Kassidy apologized to the couple as they were finally able to walk up, and the two wore friendly smiles on their faces. "People can be... annoying."
"Tell me about it," the woman replied, placing her items from the cart onto the belt and her husband helped out since it was quite a lot. "But don't mind people like that, girls. They're just bitter people who can't get with the world's modernness."
"Heard that right," the woman's husband chimed in, "We have kids of our own about y'all's age who would've responded to her the same way. You guys were not the ones in the wrong."
"Good to know," Kassidy laughed, making the couple and myself laugh as well. Eventually, while making conversation with them we got their things were bagged and sent them on their way.
Eventually, our break came and since it was still pretty early we decided to just grab something for breakfast considering that neither of us ate anything, and we've been up since like five in the morning. I don't even know how either of us were able to work for four hours straight without passing out, but it's not anything new to me so honestly it's not all that surprising.
We decided to dine in at Panera Bread, and while I ordered a parfait that contained of greek yogurt with blueberries and strawberries with granola sprinkled on top, Kassidy had ordered a cinnamon swirl bagel. I didn't come here often, but when I did I absolutely loved it every single time. I'd surprised myself because some days even the sight of food made me wanna gag, but right now? I'm glad I'd ordered somethin' light at least.
Kassidy and me conversed while we ate, talkin' about a lot of different topics ranging from our interests, to our birthdays, to weird shit we used to do in elementary school. She was the first friend I made when I started workin' at Publix, and I'm glad I wasn't the only person within our age group that works there. When you work at a grocery store, your coworkers could be of any age.
"So I was jus' like fuck it and did it," Kassidy shrugged, proceeding with her story, "We all die."
"Wow," I perked my eyebrows, from what she told me. She was tellin' me about the time in middle school when a girl was pickin' on her, and although it wasn't worth fighting over she did it anyway. From what I heard, she beat her up good too. Not that the girl didn't deserve it, she sounded horrible. Silence fell over us for a few brief moments as we took bites of our meals, and I eventually started yet another conversation.
"So do you plan on goin' ta' school this fall?" I questioned, and immediately got me thinkin' back to earlier this Summer when I told Michael I didn't plan on goin' to college and I still had yet to tell CJ. With everything that went on over the past two months, it of course slipped my mind. Kassidy nodded as she took another bite of her bagel, and once she ate the piece she bit off she began talking.
"Yeah, I'm majorin' in bio chem," Kassidy told me, and I slowly nodded.
"Thas' nice," I simply said, takin' another bite from my yogurt. Just as she was about to say something else, I felt my phone buzz in my back pocket makin' me wonder who was callin' me this early in the morning. Glancing at the caller ID, I rolled my eyes seein' that it was my mama. I stood from the table where Kassidy and me were sitting and went out of the entrance door that was next to the booth we were sitting in, and I was now standing outside the restaurant inattentively watchin' as a minimal amount of cars passed by on the road, the minimal warmth of the sun comfortably coating my skin.
"Yes?" I answered, already annoyed and I didn't even hear her voice yet.
"I was cleanin' up around the living room and guess what I found just sitting on the coffee table?" my mama began, and I indifferently shrugged like she could see me.
"Dignity?"
"No," she firmly answered, clearly not too fond of my sarcastic response, "College letters from the mail that you never opened."
Letting go of a deep breath, I just wanted to hang up on her right then and there. I already knew this conversation was about to go south. 'Nd real fast.
"So throw them away, question mark?" my eyebrows furrowed, and I heard my mama deeply sigh followed by the sound of paper ruffling into a trash bag in the background. "I decided not to go to school, is that a crime now?"
"It would've been nice ta' know that you were ditching on the decision at the last minute, Loyalty," my mom scolded.
"It wasn't last minute," I argued, "I had already decided I wasn't going way before graduation. I don't need it."
School is definitely not somethin' I needed right now. Especially considering my mental state and the fact I get overwhelmed too easily, that's a daily mental breakdown just waiting to happen.
"Then why didn't you say anything, Ulani!?" my mama raised her voice, and from the way she called me by my middle name I knew she was mad. Although I didn't know why, it's not like she was concerned about what I do with my life anyway—wasn't she the same one who said she wished I woulda' died instead of my dad?
Oh, okay.
" 'Cuz it didn't concern you!" I exclaimed, keeping my voice down. I folded my left arm under my right and shifted my weight to one leg full of attitude as if I could be seen, "Iss' not like you were gon' help me with tuition and shit anyway. Why waste an education thas' not gon' be beneficial to me whatsoever?"
"You're eighteen now, Loyalty, you need to–"
"Be responsible 'nd shit 'cuz I need to be outta the house soon," I finished for her, fed up with the same dull lecture every five to seven business days. "You're the one who wished me dead, remember? So I'll decide what the hell I wanna do with my life and I can very much do it without your judgement, thank you."
"Started runnin' around with them damn friends'a yours and now all you wanna do is be outside and not take shit serious," my mama mumbled, and I could tell by the tone in her voice that she was shakin' her head. She always bringin' them up every time we get into it, and it's so annoying. For someone who despises her own daughter, she always in my fuckin' business.
"I'm not 'bout ta' argue witchu' 'bout 'dis shit. Really. Surprise, surprise, I ain't goin' ta' school. Happy now?" I expressed, and my mama just sighed on the other end.
"You give me a damn headache, child."
"Uno reverse," I replied before abruptly hangin' up, and blowing out a sharp exhale out of irritation.
My mama is the last person I wanted to talk about goin' ta' school with, especially since the only thing she would do during the entire conversation is shame me and tell me that because I didn't go I'a never amount to nothin' in life. Not even that but I still had to tell CJ that I wasn't goin', and it wasn't even about the fact that I wasn't going to school that I felt bad about, 'cuz I know she won't care, but the fact that this entire Summer I let her think that I was going.
So I pretty much lied to her, and I don't know how she's gonna take it.
Graduation was already long gone, and the actual growin' up part scared me half to death. I was turnin' nineteen within the next five months, and I wanna get outta livin' under my mama roof as soon as possible. I'd simply be happy in a box at this point.
Anyway, soon enough I was back inside talkin' it up with Kassidy once again while we finished up our breakfast. She drank her strawberry banana smoothie, and I sipped on my caramel expresso until our break was over.
I never realize how much I hate change in some aspects until it actually starts happening.
⚜️
"Loyalty," I heard my name bein' called as someone's hand was gently shaking me awake. Slowly opening my eyes, I'd remembered that after I got off of work this afternoon I had hung out with Michael and Janet for a little bit after goin' home and getting changed. I made small conversation with their parents and also their older brother, Marlon, and being around them kinda lightened my mood. The whole family is so sweet—or least when I'm around as Michael says—and eventually, Janet and Marlon went their separate ways with their friends while their parents went to dinner at a family friend's house, which of course left Michael and me.
I was so sleepy after work that I didn't even realize I'd fallen asleep in Michael's bed as if it were my own, all under his thick black comforter while my skin came into contact with the red silk sheets I lied on top of, my legs being exposed from the plain black sweats shorts I was wearing which stopped at my mid-thigh.
"Hm?" I sleepily muttered, my eyes still closed with my head rested on my forearm as I was just barely conscious unaware of what exactly was goin' on—all I heard was Michael's sweet voice.
"I'm bout'a go meet up wit' Reese, love," he spoke, "Do you want me ta' take you home or you wanna stay here?"
I would've gone with him if I wasn't so damn tired, I felt like I haven't slept in days. Insomnia was kickin' my ass, and attempting to fix my sleeping schedule only works for a few weeks. Speaking of Reese, I still needed to talk to him and CJ about what we're gonna do for Michael and Janet's nineteenth birthday this upcoming Sunday. We still had five days to plan something, but I didn't wanna wait until last minute to make sure. I already knew what I was gettin' Michael for his birthday, and I'm sure he's gonna love it.
As for Janet, I was still tryna' wrap my mind around somethin' she'd like, just 'cuz I know she's a little bit more materialistic.
Gathering wise, I don't know if I wanna make plans with just the four of us (Michael, CJ, Reese, and me), or do like a mini kickback and invite Janet, Arielle, and Rocky as well. Nine times outta ten Janet'll probably jus' wanna hang wit Arielle, Rocky, CJ, and me but it wouldn't be horrible to have a get together with all of us.
I'll just have to contact a group chat with CJ and Reese so we can see where our heads are at—I would stretch to a groupchat with Rocky and Arielle, but I can't trust that they won't spoil anything.
And if they tell Janet, then she or Ari and Rocky probably'll accidentally spill to Michael.
Especially Janet—she tells Michael everything.
In my mind, I'd replied to Michael but all I did vocally was utter a quiet, "mmh," makin' Michael smack his teeth.
"Ole sleepy ass," Michael commented, before I felt his soft lips peck my left cheek. "I won't be gone for a long time, gorgeous."
"Mkay," I barely whispered, feeling myself starting to slowly dozing off once again. I heard Michael's keys jingle as he picked them up, and eventually his bedroom door opened and closed then afterwards came the silence. I could no longer feel his presence, and I scarcely adjusted my body in Michael's bed turnin' onto my left side before I was once again comfortable, and I began to fall asleep for a second time.
"I just hate, like... everything," I mumbled, talking to Michael while I was fuckin' high off my ass and CJ had called him to my house to "look after me", 'cuz she had to go home to pack for her trip to Florida for Spring Break. It was our junior year, just four months after that whole Donte situation. I had turned seventeen that January, and given that I was sixteen when the incident happened I just figured that I would at least try to move on from it. New age, new beginnings right? Somewhat, anyway. But ignoring it just fucked me up more than dealin' with the problem upfront, so it resulted in me getting high almost every damn day just so I wouldn't have a reason to think.
A quiet mind is a happy mind.
"And this silence...?" I blissfully whispered with my eyes glued to ceiling as I lied down next to Michael with my head rested on his left thigh, while he sat up against my headboard. I felt so safe inside my head, where my soul felt detached from my body and it was like my own mini apartment or something. "I wanna stay here forever."
"I know you do, gorgeous," Michael stated, as he placed a comforting hand on my left shoulder and began to caress my arm in a succored manner. It felt like he knew what was going on, and I didn't even have to tell him—although he didn't know at the time, he still patiently sat with me through my high. I didn't even realize that tears started to pool in my eyes, just wishing that I could just hide away in the silence and peacefulness and never show myself again.
"Sometimes, I..." I began, my voice slightly breaking as it remained at a quiet volume. "I think that I won't make it to eighteen. Between dealin' wit'... my dad's death and my mental health, it's all gone to shit. I hope this is what death feels like. Just... quiet. For eternity."
"Don't talk like 'dat, Loyalty," Michael's concerned voice echoed through my ears as my eyes were still glued to the ceiling, and in my mind it started to spin the longer I stared at it. "You gon' be okay."
"People been tellin' me that for years, Michael," my slurred words fell from my lips through an amused chuckle followed by a head shake, "Nothin' about me is okay. And thas' okay. Death never scared me."
"You off a fuckin' xan, Loyalty. Hush."
I could tell by the way he was callin' me by my government name that he wasn't too fond of me pretty much fantasizing about death. But I really would've been lying if I said I didn't want to... any life had to be better than this one.
"I'm sorry," I apologized, almost inaudibly. "I'm not... tryna' scare you, but it's true. My mama doesn't take my... issues seriously, 'nd it's always 'you have no reason to be sad, I done provided you wit' everything you need'. And jus' tells me I'm tryin' ta' find... an excuse... for the shit I be doin'. But she doesn't know. Nobody knows, really." my words were barely understandable and quiet while my brain slowly went through the process of speech. I could easily think of the words I wanted to say, but when I opened my mouth I couldn't talk any faster than I wanted.
Loyalty's voice: slowed and reverb.
"And thas' 'cuz she don't care," Michael straight up said, and my eyes slowly shifted to him. "You not dyin' on me, Loyalty, 'cuz you not leavin' me wit' CJ crazy ass."
"I won't," I tiredly assured, my eyes boring onto him though I couldn't clearly see his face.
" 'Nd I'm not gon' watch you slowly kill yo'self eitha'," he continued, "You prolly don't even understand a fuckin' word I'm sayin', but I'on care. I know yo ears still work."
"I understand," I muttered barely above a whisper, almost as if I was talkin' to myself and Michael was my subconscious. My entire body was numb like I'd been stunned, and I grew sleepier as minutes passed at what felt like years.
"I'm sure you do," Michael rhetorically responded, just seconds before I drifted off to sleep.
I woke up to the low and rapid hum of my phone vibrating, indicating that I was getting a phone call. I irritatedly reached under the memory foam made pillow coasted with a red silk case my head lied on, and proceeded to pull my phone out from under it. Michael still wasn't back from whatever it was he was doing wit' Reese, but I honestly don't think I was sleeping for that long anyway. My tired eyes sat low as I looked at the caller ID, seeing Janet's name across the screen. Answering, I lied on my right side while putting the phone up to my left ear. I hadn't fully awakened yet since it was so abrupt, so while I acknowledged Janet on the other end of the line I let my eyes fall closed.
"Hello?" I began, my voice quiet and raspy.
"Honey, you'n hear a bitch beatin' on the door?" Janet said through a laugh, although I could sense the irritancy in her voice. Meaning somebody done went and pissed her off.
"No, I ain't hear it. My bad," I apologized, starting to sit up so I could get out of bed and let Janet inside. "You don't have yo key?"
"I left it in Ari's car 'n she in a whole 'nother city right now," Janet informed me, "I thought I was gon' be stuck out here but Michael tol' me you was inside sleepin' yo ass off, so I guess I got lucky."
I remember Arielle saying something about going out of town with her cousin for a few days, but it wasn't that important so it slipped my mind.
"Lucky I can hear a call better than you beatin' on the door like you the government," I replied through a light giggle, as I was comin' up the hallway and approached the front door. Once I opened the door, Janet hung up the phone and didn't hesitate to walk inside while I pushed the door shut lockin' it, before I followed her to her room. The vexing look on her face was apparent, and although I didn't wanna bother her while she was still freshly hot I couldn't help but intervene. I quietly stood in the doorway as Janet plopped down on her queen-sized bed, and began typing away on her phone like she was in a heated argument with a significant other.
"You good?"
"Yes and no," Janet vaguely answered, still typin' rapidly on her phone. Pausing from doing so, she looked over in my direction. "Lotta bullshit goin' down right now, 'nd Michael said I need to learn how to clear people wit'out beatin' on 'em."
"Tell Michael to take his own damn advice," I joked, causing Janet to laugh and it made me feel good to make her smile while she's pissed.
"Speakin' of him," Janet started while briefly peering down at her phone before she started typing and stopped, bringing her eyes back to me. "Did he say where he was at? 'Cuz I kinda need his assistance. His assistance bein' his car keys."
"Since when does Michael let you take his car?" I perked my eyebrows in slight surprise. Michael doesn't let any of his siblings drive his car, even if the situation was life or death. Marlon would probably never put in gas and Janet would most likely be gone for hours. He didn't wanna risk it.
"Since I started takin' his laundry days," Janet scoffed, "I knew he was gon' choose that one to trade, too. It's the one chore he hates doing."
"Oh," I mouthed, followed by a nod. "Why'n you just call him?"
"That nigga never wanna talk ta' me. Our sibling-ship is hangin' on by a thread," Janet causally answered, as she tossed her phone to the side and it just barely bounced along the comforter before it landed face down. "But thas' jus' 'cuz he's grumpy. You know he can be a little..."
"Crazy?" I finished her sentence, and her expression morphed into a look of satisfaction.
"I was actually gon' say borderline schizophrenic, but that falls under its category, so..." Janet shrugged, and I let a chuckle escape from my lips. Janet then stood up from her bed, approaching the doorway where I was standing. "I'mma go take a shower and get comfortable. You still gon' be here?"
"Most likely, yeah, why?" I nodded, and I moved out of the way so Janet could step out of her bedroom.
" 'Cuz I honestly need some company," Janet blew an expressionless breath, walking across the hall to the bathroom and I shifted my body to look at her, leaning on the wall. "You wanna watch Friday?"
"Seen it a million times," I dismissed, shaking my head. Suddenly, my face lit up like a giant lightbulb went off over my head. "Let's watch Deliver Us From Eva!"
"Oh my God, yes!" Janet happily agreed, "I haven't seen that in a hot minute. Give me, like, at least an hour."
I nodded, and on that note Janet closed the bathroom door behind her and just as she did so I heard the front door open and close, and I guessed that Michael was back. When I walked into the living room, I was proven wrong when I saw Marlon lockin' the front door behind him as he blew out a tiring breath and dropped onto the couch.
"Everybody have a shitty day?" I commented, seeing the expression of agitation on Marlon's face as he was looking down at his phone. He then shifted his eyes into my direction, his head still slightly tilted downward.
"Nah, just tired as fuck," Marlon said followed by a head shake, "Where yo li' boyfriend at?"
"Uh, he's wit' Reese right now..." I told him, and Marlon just nodded. I don't talk with Marlon much, so the silence was kind of overwhelming. As if on cue, Michael finally walked through the door just seconds later and I felt a weight being lifted off of me. I honestly coulda' just walked away from Marlon, but that probably woulda' been rude I feel like.
"Hey, Marlon," Michael quickly acknowledged, and Marlon just gave a quick head nod before I felt Michael's warm hand take mine and lead me back into his bedroom. He closed the door behind him, and I stood nearby his bed while he began digging around his room like an FBI agent with a search warrant.
"Watchu' lookin' for?" I curiously inquired, my eyebrows drawing themselves together.
"My fuckin' money, dawg," Michael answered, almost at a mumble like he was talking to himself. He was squatting down lookin through the drawers where he kept his art supplies, and when he didn't come up with anything he cursed to himself and stood up. "You remember that money CJ gave me from Reese like two weeks ago?"
"No," I honestly answered, "But continue."
"Well Reese snipped it from yo li' friend, Enzo, 'cuz it wasn't his to have to begin wit'. I'm not goin' into detail but basically Reese gave it to me fa' safe keepin' to keep Alore's scammin' little hands off of it—and now it's gone," Michael explained to me, and all I did was blink trying to connect the dots with such little information.
"What was it for?"
"Ten grams."
"Of weed?" I perked my brows quizzically, and when Michael nodded I tilted my head. "But you and Reese aren't drug dealers... why is he gettin' money fa' ten grams?"
I mean, technically they weren't drug dealers... at least Michael wasn't anyway. Reese sells every now and then but not a lot of people know, and Michael is basically like an accomplice. Reese is lowkey and he doesn't sell anything other than weed to keep it that way—that's how I get my weed, except I get it for free just 'cuz I don't smoke weed often anymore.
I mean, I had to manipulate Reese into my freebies and he knew I was tryna' manipulate him—but I got 'em.
Once my body built up a tolerance to it, I had to consume more for it to actually hit which irritated me—so xans it became. Don't ask where I get those from.
"Obvious reasons, gorgeous," Michael stated, his voice dull, "He sells fuckin' weed."
"...Right," I muttered, before Michael rushed past me, opening up his bedroom door and I felt the breeze from it being quickly opened as he walked out. I followed him to an extent, and as I stopped at the end of the hallway I heard Janet's shower still running, which weirdly made my anxiety increase.
"I know you went in my fuckin' room so jus' tell me where my fuckin' money at, Marlon," Michael got straight to the point, and Marlon then leaned forward still sitting on the couch resting his forearms on his knees lookin' up at Michael with argumentative eyes.
"It wasn't yours ta' take," Marlon stated, and I saw a bitter quarter smile appear on Michael's face.
"So who's is it then, brotha'?" Michael urged, waiting for Marlon to give him some kind of smart reply. " 'Cuz it definitely wasn't yours."
Just from his tone, I could tell he was getting heated more than he already was. Like what the fuck is in the air? Why are all the Jacksons pissed off tonight?
"Right, so... that meant Maurice steals it from Enzo to give to you so nobody could check him for it. Do you know how stupid you sound, man?" Marlon turned his lip upward, standing from the couch in front of Michael and peering into his brother's eyes.
"It was Reese's money, you dumb mothafucka'!" Michael gritted in irritancy, running his hands down his face in frustration. After letting out a deep huff, Michael continued, "The fuck did you do wit' it?"
"I gave it back to Alore, 'cuz he needs it more than you do," Marlon scoffed, and Michael briefly looked up at the ceiling.
"Fuck!" he yelled in exasperation, and I felt my stomach churned as my eyes widened in habitual alert. I've seen Michael pissed, but hearin' him yell like that was a first. I ain't really think it was all that important, but shit.
"Watchu' gettin' all in yo feelings for, nigga!?" Marlon raised his voice, Michael's anger only fueling his. Next thing either of us knew, Michael sent a strong left hook to Marlon's nose causing him to yell out profanity and I gasped while stepping back a bit, just watching from my spectator spot.
"Are you stupid, my nigga!? Are you actually fucking mentally ill!?" Michael yelled at Marlon while Marlon was holding his bleeding nose, looking at Michael with hateful eyes. Each word rolled off of Michael's tongue with its perfect articulation, which only defined his vex even more. "Alore's gonna use that fucking money so he can get somebody killed, bro! I'm askin' you, are you fuckin' stupid, dawg!?"
"What the actual fuck..." I whispered to myself, placing my hands along the temples of either side of my head. Turning around, I slowly started to walk back down the hallway to retreat to Michael's room while the boys' voices began to overlap, and once I was inside I closed the door behind me and awkwardly sat down on the bed. It's not like I could just go home 'cuz Michael was my ride, and I definitely wasn't gon' call my mama or Kam. Since bein' outta the hospital, Reese probably sleepin' more than he usually does and who the hell knows what CJ is doing.
I didn't understand half the shit that was going on and in all honesty, I really didn't want to. I didn't wanna think about one of my closest friends and boyfriend gettin' caught up in shit like this, 'cuz I already know that when people target Michael and Reese they target me and CJ, too. Like me and CJ would be collateral damage.
As loud as their muffled voices were, I could feel my anxiety slowly creeping in which I really didn't want. I felt my body tense up as I attempted to fight it off, and I just sat on Michael's bed looking down at the floor. I actually wish there was some natural kind of high I could activate, the kind of high that makes you tune people out completely—those are the best ones.
I closed my eyes, and imagined myself blindly walking as darkness fell all around me. Completely oblivious to my surroundings, yet fearless to the things I weren't able to see. Their voices slowly started to sound like they were getting further and further away as Janet's voice emerged at the same distance, yelling over her brothers to stop going at each other's throats. I could hear my heartbeat that began to slow down going back to its normal pace, the overwhelming pit of anxiety in my stomach gradually going away. I took a few deep breaths, slow and relaxing as I calmed my nerves.
It's a technique that I'd taught myself a couple years ago, when my parents had gotten into a huge fight which resulted in my mom and dad getting into an actual fist fight. It was a very traumatic thing to experience, let alone the fact that I was a very impressionable fifteen year old. Sensitive and perceptive, it didn't do much good for me.
Proceeding in complete darkness, my train of thought was thrown when I heard the front door slam, causing my eyes to immediately open and I had to adjust back to reality. Just seconds later, Michael'd came back into his room while involuntarily slamming the door shut behind him, causing my heart to jump a little. My eyes contacted with his as he stopped in front of me, his expression softening as if just the sight of me was an anti-depressant. I had a look of alarm on my face given what had just happened, let alone how fast it unfolded.
"My bad, Loyalty, I ain't mean to–" Michael started, and I cut in by getting up off of the bed and embracing him into a warm hug. My arms draped over his shoulders, and his hands securely snaked around my waist.
"You don't have to apologize," I assured, my voice quiet. "It's okay."
I knew how much Michael's family infuriated him almost everyday, and I knew how it made him feel like he was being mentally suffocated. As we continued to hold one another in each other's arms, I saw the grayness beginning to paint my peripheral vision feeling Michael's heavy irritation still radiating off of him. It felt like dissolving into a thick cloud of dullness, the kind where you're emotionally detached from the world. The silence that fell over us was peaceful, and it was a silence that I felt like we were both enjoying. It wasn't awkward or tense... just quiet.
After some time passed, Janet and I still ended up watchin' Deliver Us From Eva together and it honestly brought up my mood. Every time I see that movie I think of how beautiful Gabrielle Union is, and how her acting is so on point in the film. Janet and I offered for Michael to watch it with us, but he just decided to stay in his room so it was just Janet, me, and an oversized bowl of popcorn. Who even knows where Marlon went after that whole argument, but it ain't even my business so I don't care.
When the movie was over, Janet went to bed and I found myself back in Michael's room where we were on his bed just talking about any and everything. My hands rested on the back of his neck while I straddled him, and his hands were placed on either side of my waist. Making dead eye contact with him still made me more nervous than ever, but it was a good nervous.
"Let's talk nasty nineteen," I brought up, earning a teeth smack from Michael and I just laughed. "We could go out, have a little hang out wit' me, you, Reese, 'nd CJ..."
"Or I could jus' fuck you..." Michael smoothly added, and I rolled my eyes while trying to fight off a smile. A swarm of butterflies were set off in the pit of my stomach, not even opposed to the idea.
"C'mon, be fa' real," I said after a couple seconds of silence, and Michael smiled.
"I am," Michael reasoned, "You said nasty nineteen, didn't you?"
"First off, I was bein' sarcastic."
"So you sayin' I ain't fuckable?" Michael feigned offense, and my jaw slightly fell as I was at a loss for words. Michael stole a kiss, makin' me laugh before he continued. "Yeah, thas' what I thought."
"We can fuck, like, any day, though," I said, as Michael placed his face in the crook of my neck and began to sensually kiss my skin. My nerves immediately shot all throughout by body in satisfaction, and I blissfully hummed.
"Is right now an option?" Michael seductively questioned, and feeling the vibrations of his voice travel along the surface of my skin sent chills down my spine.
"Only if you tell me watchu' wanna do for yo birthday," I continued to tease, and Michael brought his face from my neck and looked up at me, his eyes sittin' all low and alluring. Our faces were inches apart, I could almost feel the breeze of his lashes when he blinked. "Other than me, since you made that obvious."
"Shit, get a fuckin' cake or somethin' I'on know, my love," Michael lazily answered, bringing his lips back to mine stealing another kiss, this one more passionate than the last. My heart skipped a beat while his tongue intertwined with mine, my thumbs caressing either side of his neck. While doin' this, he occasionally bit my bottom lip which turned me on even more. I was tryin' so hard not to fold, but feeling his hands snake around to the small of my back and find their way to my ass just made me wanna fuck him on the spot.
The kiss broke a second time, my forehead rested on his with my eyes still closed. "What kind'a cake?"
"Surprise me," Michael replied, his voice just as quiet as mine almost at a whisper.
"I could surprise you wit' a lot of things," I vaguely hinted, as my arms were still rested over his shoulders and I began to gently massage his scalp with the ends of my white, coffin-shaped acrylics.
"You tryna' be cute, ain't you?" Michael jokingly shaded, and before I could say anything he leaned forward causing me to go backward and I let out a wholehearted laugh, and I interlaced my hands on the back of his neck for support.
Just bein' in this nigga's presence makes me feel so much better about a lot of shit, and sometimes I wished just him and me had the entire world to ourselves. I love it here.
☁️
YASSSSSSSSS 😜
hey sexy queen chilly sissies 🤪🫂
i'm back. that's it. that's the note.
excuse any mistakes 💁🏾♀️