She'd cried so hard that by the time she was finished she had a pounding headache. But she also felt so much lighter. Because she truly had let her go, it wasn't her fault that these things happened. She knew that now. And that feeling, that feeling of forgiveness, it was beautiful. It was unlike anything she'd ever felt before.
She put the pieces of paper in a pile and left to go back to bed. Feeling like this, as good as it was, was exhausting.
She climbed back into bed, Joe still sleeping beside her. She didn't want to share what they had together with anyone. She didn't want anyone to know about their relationship. They could know that they were together, and that was fine. She could accept that. But she didn't want to be posting photos about the two of them every five minutes as she did with Adam.
He'd made her do that. She'd never wanted to plaster it all over social media... but he'd wanted her to. He'd told her that it was important that the world knew how in love with each other they were. He'd told her that if she didn't post about him, she didn't love him.
She didn't want that with Joe. She didn't want to share the ins and outs of their love story.
For the first time in three years, she finally felt as if she could relax. She sunk into the pillow and drifted back to sleep.
The rain was loud outside, and the morning sky peeked through the curtains. She heard Joe speaking quietly in another room, and smiled. She pulled the covers back over her, sighing. But it wasn't a sad sigh, it was the sort of sigh that a person took when they've finally started to breathe again. One that filled her chest with light and love. Love towards herself. Love towards Joe. She had set Joe's notebook down on the table beside her when he'd given it to her, and she picked it up, holding it to her chest. She loved each and every one of the poems he'd chosen, and she had to restrain herself from reading them all in one go. Turning to a random page, her eyes traced the words, traced each swirl and flick of the pen.
She couldn't believe how beautiful it was. Each one, each little letter, told a different story and held a different feeling.
The tallest mountain cliffs
I have ever seen
Were etched into the rocks walls
That made me
I used to wake at night
Screaming at the sky
Cursing the slopes and cliff edges
That made me
No one knows the cliffside more than I
As they are forged into my soul
My heart, past and future
Wherever I go
They're a part of the skin and bone
That makes me.
It was like the universe, by landing on that page, was telling her that she was on the right path. Because that poem spoke all of those words that she'd felt last night.
Joe must be on the phone, Taylor thought to herself as she went into the bathroom. She looked better. She could see it herself. Her cheeks weren't so sharp and the bruises on her neck were fading away. She knew that those physical things, the scars that were only skin deep, weren't going to be the hard ones to heal. But the fact that she looked brighter was already an accomplishment.
She carefully unwound the bandage that was covering her scars. Whatever that oil was that Joe had put on them had worked. They hadn't looked this good in such a long time. It made her happy.
Maybe once they healed, it would be easier for her to heal on the inside, too.
She gently cleaned them again, gently washed away the blood. This was the first time in a long time that she could look at her arm and not want to cut it. She wanted to let them heal.
She washed her face and brushed her hair, tying it up in a messy bun.
She changed into a sweatshirt and black leggings, while Meredith meowed for her breakfast. She smiled, bending down to pick her up.
"Alright, alright." She kissed the top of her head, going into the kitchen.
Joe was on the phone in the lounge, and he smiled when he saw her come in. She gave him a little wave, before getting Meredith and Olivia their breakfast.
"I'll be there in a minute!" Joe called out to her, and she just smiled. She had a plan for what she was going to do today. She had to organise their trip. She wondered when the best time to go would be - and concluded that January would be nice. It was the start of a new year, the start of a new time.
After she fed the cats, she disappeared into the bedroom with her MacBook. She had bookmarked a bunch of pages on her phone last night and began to make plans. She didn't want to stay in different hotels - that wasn't the kind of trip she was planning. She didn't want to only have one room and feel as if they had to hide away. She looked up the Lake District again and decided that the place that she wanted to look for somewhere to stay was Windermere.
She was blown away by the beauty of it all. It was a sort of peace and beauty that she just couldn't find here, in America. She then began to search for different Air BnBs. She was excited by the whole idea of renting a car, of moving from place to place for an entire month. Perhaps she could be invisible in Windermere, perhaps she wouldn't have to have security with her the entire time. A lot of the cottages were so beautiful that she didn't know how on earth she'd be able to choose one. There was one in particular that caught her attention. It was called Windermere Cottage, and it looked like something she'd expect to see in Wuthering Heights. It was perfect. It wasn't near any other houses, and the views were so breathtaking.
She bookmarked it and moved on to arranging her private jet. She booked a car and felt excitement stir within her as she started to plan all of the activities.
"You've been in there all morning," Joe called out once he was off the phone. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine!" Taylor called out, her voice happy. She thought that this trip was going to be so much fun. She'd booked the cottage, booked a private boat trip, figured out which day they would go and wander around Beatrix Potter's cottage house, and several other attractions. They'd get to Heathrow airport on the morning of the eighth of January so that they could drive the four and a half hours to Windermere. They'd stay in Windermere for 10 days, and then they'd go and stay at an Air BnB in Kent so that Joe could see his family, and then they'd go to Ashdown forest. She'd also made a list of different walks to do in each place they went to. She was so excited. Although, she didn't know how exactly to present this to him. She didn't know whether to print out a photo of the lakes and put it in his card, or whether - she could write a song. Just like his poetry that he'd made just for her.
"Are you sure?" He peeked his head around the door and smiled when he saw her with a grin on her face.
"I'm just looking at different hikes we can do over Christmas." Taylor couldn't keep the mystery from her voice. She couldn't stop her upward smirk.
"Is that so?" Joe asked with a laugh.
"Okay, okay. It's secret stuff that you can't know about - because it's a surprise." Joe came into the room, and Taylor shut her computer lid as he sat down beside her. He pretended that he was looking, and Taylor gently swatted his hand away. "No peeking!"
Joe chuckled, kissing her cheek. He gave her a breathless smile.
"I need to start packing." Taylor sighed. "I hate packing so much. It's always okay when I go to one of my other homes, but when I'm going to my parents, I have to pack so much more - and fit in all the Christmas presents."
Joe rested a hand on her leg. Usually, this would scare her. Anytime that Adam did this to her, which he tended to do in interviews, made her feel scared. It made her feel like she had to protect herself. But this time, it didn't. She didn't need to be scared of Joe. "Sorry that I haven't been with you this morning - I had to sort out a few things with my manager and a frustrating client, but I'm finished now. I mean, William Bowery had to do all of those things. Joe Alwyn would have much rather sat and read through the scripts I have to learn for a few auditions next year."
"It's alright," Taylor smirked. "It gave me time to do my secret things."
"I hate surprises." Joe smiles, exasperated.
"It's - trust me. I can't say anything because I don't want to give anything away, but it's a nice surprise. It's worth the wait." Taylor hated keeping secrets. She was relieved that she had always had to keep her albums a secret as it had helped her to keep her mouth shut about surprises like this. When she was a kid, she couldn't keep anything to herself.
"I guess it's a good thing that I really do trust you," Joe said as Taylor leaned into him and pressed her lips to his. "I can help you pack if you want." He offered.
"Hopefully it won't be too hard - most of my stuff is still left in suitcases anyway, but still. I always end up overpacking."
"That doesn't sound like you at all!" He chuckled and Taylor laughed with him.
"You just can't trust the weather these days." Taylor shook her head seriously. She looked over at Joe and the two of them burst out laughing again. "Literally, I swear that half the time I could tell what the weather was going to do better than the actual weather people."
She packed for the cold weather, packed coats and long pants, and lots of sweaters. She'd planned that they'd get back here on the fifth of January, and then they'd have to pack all their things again on the seventh.
The flight to London would take about seven hours, and then they'd be able to do whatever they wanted for the rest of the day. She actually couldn't wait for it - she'd not had a holiday since before she'd met Adam.
Joe had put music on in the background.
"You like Bon Iver?" She called to him in the kitchen.
"Yes, he's a classic."
"Ugh, I wish that I had his voice," Taylor confessed. "He has one of those timeless voices that is so hauntingly whimsical."
"Don't tell him this," Joe whispered as he pulled her into him, "But I like your voice better."
Taylor smiled. "No way!"
"Oh, I'm serious." Joe gently stroked her back. "Should I be scared about meeting your parents?"
"Mom and Dad? No, Mom already loves you, and Dad might be a little suspicious of it all... but you should really be afraid of Austin." Taylor forewarned. "Seeing as we're taking the better room, he might be really mad." She tried to sound scary, but she couldn't stop the laughter from blurting out.
"I'm sure I can handle it," Joe beamed, watching her eyes twinkle. "I've got two brothers. I guarantee that Austin won't be as dramatic as my little brother Patrick."
"Definitely... I can't wait to meet him one day!"
"Hey... I totally could! And believe me, he can't wait to meet you too." Joe insisted.
-
The next five days went by quickly, and when Taylor woke up on the twentieth of December, Joe was already awake, walking through the hallway.
"Oh, good morning! I made us some breakfast if you want- it's just a bagel and a coffee so that we can eat on the way. The cats are all ready to go."
"You mean they're literally in their crates?"
"Errr... yes?"
"You mean to tell me that they actually let you put them in? Did they scratch you?"
"Yup, and absolutely no fuss at all."
"Wow." Taylor laughed at the thought of Meredith and Olivia actually doing what they were supposed to do. She pulled herself out of bed and walked over to Joe. She wrapped her arms around his neck. "Thank you for coming with me."
"You're welcome! It'll be nice not to spend Christmas alone this year." Joe knew that spending Christmas alone, with his family celebrating on another continent, would not do him any favours. Besides, he wanted to be with Taylor.
Because being with her was better than being alone. In fact, he was quite sure that being with her was the best thing he'd ever experienced.
She'd organised the car to meet them in the car park beneath the building because she wanted this trip to be as smooth as possible. She also didn't feel like making an effort on her appearance today. So, she had tied her hair in a ponytail, she was wearing a grey sweatshirt with cats on it, leggings, boots and a coat. Joe was down talking to the security as they were helping take their bags down, and Taylor took this opportunity to take his Christmas present, which was literally just on a scrap piece of paper at this point in time, and shove it in her handbag. She smiled at her words. It was nowhere near finished yet, and she hoped that she'd get time to finish it later. She'd spilled her heart out with these lyrics. At first, she was going to try and relate it to the lakes, but then she decided that would actually make a better Birthday present. So, she decided that it should be about the fact that it was he who had shown her... daylight.
"I always remember why I love New York when I fly over it," Taylor reminisced.
"There's nothing else quite like it, is there?" Joe was sitting by the window, and Meredith and Olivia were sitting across from them, curled up in their cat beds. The car had dropped them off right outside the plane, and both their security blocked them from the cameras that always seemed to hunt them down.
"If you think that I'm competitive at scrabble, just wait until you play with the rest of my family." Taylor smiled, shaking her head.
Joe chuckled. "I really will need my dictionary."
There was nothing like the feeling of knowing that she was going home. That she'd gotten through the flight, that she'd left it all behind her. When she was with her parents, and much like she was when she was with Joe, she wasn't a celebrity. Austin would still tease her, and he'd still be very competitive. He didn't care about her fame, and she was grateful for that.
The car was pulling up the drive, and she grabbed onto Joe's hand.
"Thank you again, for coming. For everything. You really didn't have to... but I'm really glad you're here." Her voice shook as she murmured those words to him. Minus their driver, the security had been left at the beginning of the long driveway. And that's where they'd stay unless there were any issues. It was a nice feeling, to be here without anyone looking over her shoulder. She loved her security guards, she really did. They were all so nice, and she often brought them gifts and would send videos to their children of Meredith and Olivia.
But a tiny part of her couldn't help but resent the fact that none of them noticed when the monster was coming from inside the very walls they were trying to keep her safe inside.
"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else." Joe brought her hand to his lips and kissed it delicately. "Thank you for trusting me enough to let me come." He paused, a smile on his lips. "It's going to be great."
"Taylor!" She could hear her Mom's voice even with the car door closed. She wanted to cry. She hadn't seen her mother in so long, and here she was.
She leapt out of the car, throwing her arms around her Mom's neck. "I've missed you so much."
"Look at you, honey!" Her mother held a hand to her neck, and Taylor flinched. She'd known that her mother would be like this. She'd known that she'd have to answer so many questions. But she hadn't expected it to be this hard. It made her glad that she hadn't been here when the bruises were at their worst point. At least now, they'd healed a lot more.
"I'm okay now, Mom." She motioned to Joe, who smiled as he got out of the car. "Mom, Dad, this is Joe. Joe, this is my Mom, Andrea and my Dad, Scott." Her mother nudged her with a smile.
"This is him?"
"Mom!" Taylor exclaimed but smiled when she saw Joe chuckling.
"It's me." He answered.
"Wow, honey." Her mother said to her, and Taylor felt so embarrassed.
"I'm so pleased to meet you, Joe. Thank you for everything you've done for our Taylor. From what we've heard, you've really been-" Her father started but Taylor coughed loudly, cutting him off.
"Alright..." Taylor wanted this to be over. "Well... Joe and I have lots to unpack..."
"We're so glad to have you here, Joe. Thank you for looking after our daughter. We'll leave you two to get ready - oh, and if you'd rather, the pool house is empty, so the two of you are more than welcome to stay in there, or there's plenty of room in the house, too."
Taylor took Joe's hand. "What would you like?"
Joe shrugged. "Whatever you want, I really don't mind." He told her warmly.
She was so terrible at making decisions like this - what if she made the wrong one? When she was with Adam and she'd made the wrong decision... he'd always hurt her - it hit her like a truck, these feelings. So hard that she had to take a couple of steps backwards. She didn't want to make the wrong decision, didn't want to choose the wrong one, what if Joe really did have a preference?
She faintly heard murmurs in the back of her mind, but she couldn't hear them. What if she chose wrong? What if Joe had an awful rest of the time because she chose the opposite of what he wanted?
She felt two hands cup her cheeks. Her heart was racing, and she couldn't see straight. She could faintly hear his voice. She felt sick.
"Taylor," Joe murmured, as he gently stroked her cheeks. This had happened twice this week, and this was the third time. Something had set Taylor's mind off, and it ran away with her. He'd told her parents to give them a minute, as he pulled her gently over to behind the car. She began to shake, and next thing she was sitting, leaning against the car with her knees up to her chest. Joe sat down beside her. Worried that she might be cold, he took off his coat and put it around her shoulders.
He pulled her into him, wrapped his arm around her, and held her close.
"You're doing so well, love." Taylor felt better in his arms. She could feel his coat around her shoulders, and she wanted to speak, she really did. But the thought of making the wrong decision was still roaming around in her head and she couldn't get it to leave. "Maybe if we talk about it, we'll be able to fix it." He took her hand in his. She was still shaking, and she could barely breathe. It took everything in her not to slip deeper into that black hole because she was breathless. She couldn't breathe, just like when Adam used to - and the bruises around her neck. She had to pull herself out of it. She had to stop herself from slipping in further. She couldn't let herself.
"J-Joe ..." She murmured. He gave her a soft squeeze.
"What can I do to help you feel better?" He asked her quietly. He took her hands in his.
"I'm... sorry." The words themselves made her feel even more breathless, more panicked. What would make her feel better? She didn't know, she wasn't aware of anything that made her anxiety leave.
"Taylor, love, I want you to try and breathe with me, okay? Let's breathe together. In... and out..." His voice was so calm, so soft and kind. He wasn't judging her for this, his only intention was to help her feel better. Taylor tried to slow her breathing and listening to Joe tell her when to breathe made it easier. Eventually, he began humming instead, a soft little melody that helped her feel more relaxed. She felt herself begin to unwind. His little melody twisted around her panic, replacing it. She focused entirely on his tune, his soft humming, and felt her anxiety fall away.
"I'm sorry." She told him, and she was finally able to look him in the eyes again. She didn't want to tell him what was wrong, because she knew that it was stupid. She'd completely blown it out of proportion. "It was really stupid and I shouldn't have gotten so anxious about such a little thing."
"What was it?" He didn't stop tracing the lines in the palm of her hand. He wasn't asking because he thought it was stupid, and she reminded herself of that.
Taylor sighed. "I got really anxious about making the wrong decision. I just... I didn't know which one to choose... and then I was worried that you'd hate whichever decision I made... and Adam always got really mad when I'd choose something he didn't like and I just... I couldn't do it." She told him honestly. "So I'm sorry. I'm already making a disaster of this trip."
"No, no. How about I choose? Would that make you feel better? And this trip is not a disaster. Remember what we're trying really hard to do?" He asked her, and she looked over at him with a smile.
"Be kind to ourselves." She loved the way that Joe didn't make her feel as if she was going through this alone. She loved that he often used the word we because it made her feel at least a tiny bit normal.
"Exactly. So, you might have got a little overwhelmed today. But that's okay. You told me what was wrong, you got all the way here, and you ate breakfast this morning." He wiped away a tear from her cheek. "What's one thing you did today that you couldn't have done a month ago?"
There were so many things that she wanted to say. She'd eaten breakfast. She'd not packed the blades. She'd packed a couple of singlets to wear inside, even with all her scars. She'd wrapped up her scars again instead of making them worse. She'd looked in the mirror and thought that she looked okay today. She'd texted her best friend Abigail and asked if she'd be around to catch up for a while. Abigail had been her best friend in all her years at school, but Abigail had never left their little hometown. So seeing her at this time of year was always a luxury.
She'd not counted the calories that were in the packet of chips she'd eaten on the plane. She'd taken the elevator, even though she'd had breakfast. She didn't push her Mom's hand away from her face, even when it sent her mind into a downward spiral.
"See?" Joe helped her up. "There are so many things." She didn't even have to tell him, because he knew all of these things for himself, he just wanted her to see it too.