SOMETIMES IT FEELS like I blinked, and everything changed. It feels like only yesterday I was showing up outside Greyson's apartment like a wounded puppy looking for haven but in reality, my first semester is over and done with. I'm officially done my first semester, and it doesn't feel real. I spend my nights next to Greyson, and it still doesn't feel real.
I blinked.
I blinked, and it feels like I'm a completely different person. And maybe it's not that it feels like I'm a different person, maybe it's that I am. I'm coming into my own, and I thought I had already done that. I've never been one to shy away from who I was or who I want to be, but I think somewhere along the way I got too in my head about everything.
I've learned to trust myself.
To trust in the gut feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me to follow my heart. The longer I tried to avoid the truth, the harder it became to believe the lies I was telling myself. When I finally let go and just let myself feel, everything made sense.
There was no second where I felt like I had made the wrong decision or that my heart had led me astray. It all felt right from the very beginning. I never once regretted letting Greyson in, embracing my feelings for him, I thought I needed to somehow fix it. Now I know, I couldn't change my mind about him, not even if I tried.
He is my heart.
"Hey mom," I say into my phone as I climb out of my car, grabbing my bag from the passenger seat before shutting the door and locking up behind me. "What's up?"
"Just checking in," she says as I make my way towards the studio Jonas and Greyson are working on their EP at. "Today was your final submission for projects, right?"
"Yeah," I say as I pull the door open. "I actually just finished handing them all in, and I'm stepping into the studio Greyson and his bandmate, Jonas are working at."
"You've gotten quite close with Greyson, haven't you?"
I chew my bottom lip as I wave to the receptionist who waves me through to the studio, mouthing the number to Greyson and Jonas' when she sees me on the phone. I send her a thankful smile as I reach for my long piece of hair, twirling it around my finger as I head down the hall as I struggle to think of the right words.
"Yeah, you could say that," I say, chewing my bottom lip because I shouldn't be keeping my relationship with Greyson from her. I need to tell her, but it seems impossibly complicated.
"Still no word on the dorm?" she asks.
I grind my teeth this time as I stop in front of the door to the studio Greyson and Jonas are in and swallow. It's been easy to keep the truth from her, but I'm realizing lying has never helped anything. Maybe she'll be okay with it if I just tell her the truth about my living situation, and that there is a room for me, I just didn't take it.
"Okay, don't freak out."
"Robyn."
I sigh as I lean into the door, squeezing my eyes shut. "They emailed me a few weeks ago and said there was a room available."
"Why didn't you tell me?" she asks, a small gasp in her question.
"Because Greyson asked me to stay."
"Robyn Louise."
"I'm sorry," I say. "I should have told you, but he's been making sure that I'm taking care of myself, and it's so much better living with someone I know instead of a stranger."
"You should have told me."
"I know," I say. "I didn't think you'd be okay with it."
"Smart girl," she says, before exhaling. "We're going to talk about this, okay? Isaiah and I were thinking about coming there on Friday to celebrate you finishing your first term."
"Okay, we can do that," I tell her.
"Good," she says. "And invite Greyson to join us."
"I can't promise anything, but yes, I will invite him."
"Okay, Friday," she says. "We'll talk later."
"Yeah." I nod, reaching up to knock against the solid wood of the door. "I love you."
"Love you, too."
My lips curl up as I tuck my phone into the front pocket of my jeans and open the door to the studio, finding Greyson at the soundboard and Jonas in the booth with a set of headphones on, singing his heart out. There's a linger in my step as I shut the door quietly behind me, setting my bag on the leather cushion of the couch. In the last few days, Greyson's been working crazy hours and I can't help the proud feeling that swells in my chest at his happiness.
He's doing what he loves, and he spent so long hiding from what he really wanted that now that he has it, he never wants to give it up. He's holding onto it and holding on for dear life.
"Hi handsome," I say with a smile, moving my hands over his shoulder as I lean over and plant a kiss on his cheek. The muscles in his cheek tense up as his lips curl up, bring his hand up to squeeze my hand that rests over his heart.
"Hey."
"Busy day?"
"Always," he says as he shifts his headphone to the side, turning towards me. "How was your morning? Were you able to get your projects all handed in?"
"All handed in."
He smiles. "Look at my girl all done her first semester."
"Yeah, and my mom and brother are coming into town on Friday to celebrate with dinner and they want you to join," I say as I lean into the desk before the soundboard. "If you aren't comfortable with it, just tell me and I'll make up a reason for you not being there. No pressure, okay? I know it's kind of... a step we haven't really had the chance to talk about."
"I'll be there."
"Really?"
"Yeah, maybe it's a good time to tell her about us," he suggests, moving the headphones off completely to rest on the desk.
"You're ready to take that step?"
"I'm not opposed to it," he says. "Better to tell her now, right?"
"Maybe."
"Maybe," he says as the booth door opens. "Just let me know and I'll be there, okay?"
I nod my head as I lean down to kiss him, a frown creasing my face when he shifts in his seat once again and turns back to the soundboard. My stomach turns at the cold brush off as I straighten up and shoot a smile in Jonas' direction as he walks over.
"Hey Robby."
"Hey."
"You ready to get in the booth, Grey?"
"Yeah," he says. "You going to take over the soundboard?"
"Can't do both, can you?" Jonas asks as he steps toward the soundboard. "Take a seat, Robby. Let me show you how you really make use of a soundboard."
A snicker falls from my lips as Greyson steps into the sound booth, leaving me with Jonas. He turns the rolling chair next to him towards me, ushering me to sit and when I sink into it, he turns it back towards the soundboard. My head feels like it's spinning as I lean my head back and let out a small sigh.
"Everything okay?"
"Yeah," I say, sitting up straight, "I think."
"You think?" he asks as he hits the button on the panel, turning his attention away from me. "You ready for the first take?"
Greyson holds his thumb up and a small smile creeps onto my lips because the happiness is radiating off of him. He's fully himself in there and I'm glad he pushed himself to go for what he really wants, but it doesn't settle the knot in my stomach from the lack of intimacy I find with him outside the apartment. When it's just the two of us, everything is fine and he's calm.
"What's going on?" Jonas asks as he turns back towards me.
"Nothing." I shake my head. "I just, I don't know. It's probably nothing."
"Try me."
"I went to kiss him and he turned away from me when you stepped into the room," I tell him. "It was weird. Almost like he didn't want you to see."
"I doubt that," he says as he picks the headphones up. "You're probably just overthinking it, Robby. Greyson gets weird when he's in his work mode. His focus turns to just one thing, and he sometimes forgets how to behave around other things."
"Yeah, maybe," I say. "I don't know. It just kind of seems like we're only ever really us when there's no one else around us. Like he's hiding me."
"I wouldn't worry too much about it," he says. "He's crazy about you."
My lips curl up slightly.
"If you're worried, just talk to him."
"Thanks Jonas."
"I'm the best, I know," he says with a grin. "You want to take a listen?"
I nod my head as I accept the headphones, slipping them on over my ears as I lean back into my chair. I closed my eyes and let Greyson's voice surround me because Jonas' is right. I have nothing to worry about. Greyson's always been laser focused when it comes to his music, and this should be no different. He has a lot on his plate and we're new. We're still figuring everything out, and I know one day, we will and it'll all make perfect sense.