Once she started writing, she just couldn't stop. She was recording lyrics on her phone as they came to her head while she began writing down notes in her notebook. The words spilled out of her as if someone had splattered ink across the pages. She didn't even have time to wonder if Joe was thinking about her. She didn't feel tired, she didn't feel cold or afraid. She felt like she used to when writing. Powerful, unstoppable and unafraid.
She wrote until the sun began to peek over the rooftops, beaming golden light into the room and illuminating her pages. It just felt so good to get it all out there, to finally be allowed to write it down. To be unafraid of the repercussions of it all.
Half of the words and phrases she'd written down wouldn't be able to be shared with other people, but some of them would make perfect songs. She wouldn't be ready to release them for a long time, she'd have to make sure that she was healed from the trauma that Adam had put her through. She had to be sure that she could sing these words in front of people without crumbling. She had to be ready to face it all again, and she wasn't sure she'd ever be ready to face those ghosts.
Sometime after the sun had risen, she fell asleep with ink covering her hands and lyrics scribbled all around her.
Joe sat on the couch, Olivia brushing up against his leg wanting attention and Meredith sitting on his lap, purring away. He wouldn't tell Taylor this, but the world was quite literally blowing up her story. People had pieced it together. Taylor - seen walking through the streets in the evening, a tall stranger taking her home... Adam being taken away by police from the famous artist Joe Alwyn's apartment... the photo Taylor had posted. They figured it all out in an hour. Her fans were incredible.
"Your Mom is pretty amazing," Joe whispered to Meredith, who gave a small meow in response.
He couldn't actually believe how viral her story had gone. Well, he really could, and Taylor had already warned him about the fact that nothing she ever did went unnoticed. People from all over the world were supporting her, finding comfort in the fact that they weren't alone. People related to her story, to how she'd been made to feel.
He wished that Taylor could see herself the way that he saw her. He wished that she could see how well she was doing. She'd looked so heartbroken when he'd shown her those scars, and he wished that she could see how much she'd already changed. Her sparkle was slowly coming back. She needed to see that she deserved to be kind to herself too.
"How long was I asleep for?" A voice said from behind him. "Aww, the cats love you!" She sat down beside him, and Joe smiled. She had ink on her cheek, on her fingertips.
"I have ink on my face, don't I?" Taylor asked with a smile. Joe nodded and she sighed. "I have to... I have to buy some more things to take to my Mom's for Christmas." She told him nervously.
"I can go with you," Joe offers. "There are a few things I need to get too."
"You won't want to come with me when you see what it's like." Taylor already felt stressed about what Joe was going to think. Would he get scared off? See the crowds of cameras and head for the hills? Sometimes it was overwhelming, even for her - and she'd been in the spotlight since she was sixteen.
"Yes I will," Joe took her hand. "You don't need to worry about me. I wouldn't tell you that I can cope with it if I can't." He smiled. "I just want to spend time with you. I don't care what we do. Nothing else matters."
"Well... thank you." She leaned her head on his shoulder. "Maybe... maybe afterwards we could get a coffee or something? But really. It's so crazy and my security will be there... and it's just... it's pretty awful for me even though I know what it's like. It won't be pleasant for you when you're not used to it."
"It doesn't bother me, love. Why don't we go shopping, and then we could get a coffee and go for a walk? There must be a park around here somewhere."
Taylor beamed at the idea. "That's the best idea! I haven't been on a walk in so long and it will be so nice to be outside with the cool air but with a hot drink!" She blushed when she realised how over-excited she was. Adam would have told her to stop talking. Adam wouldn't have replied or would have said she was stupid. That she needed to grow up and stop being so excited about such small things.
But Joe just looked at her and smiled.
"It's nearing Christmas, too! So that means that hopefully, people will be too busy Christmas shopping to go for a walk in the park. I love to go on hikes, it's a shame that there aren't more around here." Joe grinned when he saw that sparkle come back, her sadness becoming evanescent, vanishing in a moment. "That's one thing I miss about the UK," he admitted.
"When we go to my parent's house for Christmas, we'll be able to find loads of different hikes and walks to do!" She felt so strange. She felt weird that Joe never shut her down, that he let her be excited about the smallest of things. "Or if we ever go to my Los Angeles house - there are so many walks around there."
"You'll have to come home with me sometime, and you'll be blown away by all the different places we can go - and there are literally little coffee shops everywhere, so we'll always be able to have a hot drink." Joe smiled because the sparkle that he'd seen yesterday in her eyes was back again. That sparkle that he loved so much. That sparkle that he'd been waiting for years to see.
Taylor looked around the apartment and realised that she'd never seen a Christmas tree here. "Don't you have a Christmas tree?" She asked him, and he shook his head.
"I... haven't felt very festive. But we can buy one today - if there's any left. If you want a Christmas tree, we can have one."
"Let's get one!" Taylor laughed softly. "And we can... decorate it with some more wine."
Joe chuckled. "Sounds perfect."
She couldn't decide what she wanted to wear. Did she want to show her scars? Her bruises? Or did she want to hide it? She knew that the Paparazzi would be even worse this time than they were other times. This was because, firstly, this was going to be her first appearance with Joe, and secondly, because they'd all be wanting to see the bruises, to know the truth behind what Adam's statement had claimed. She thought she looked fat in the jeans she was wearing, so she took them off and put on black leggings.
I still look fat... she thought to herself. She wanted so badly to be able to ignore those thoughts, but they were too loud. She couldn't. It was winter - flowing skirts and dresses weren't an option.
"You look beautiful." Joe kissed her forehead as he walked past, checking himself out in the mirror. He was wearing black jeans, with a knitted jersey and a coat.
He looked great. The navy blue of the jersey looked so nice against the brown of his shoes. He looked very dark academia, and she grinned. He looked gorgeous.
"I love that colour on you." He told her as he looked at her in the mirror.
She bit her lip, watching him adjust his hair.
"Is it too much?" She asked him quietly, folding her arms across her chest.
"No. You look so pretty, that coat really brings out the colour in your eyes." Joe took her hand. "You look beautiful. No one else sees you the way that you do," he assured her. "Do you remember what we talked about?"
"I need to be kind to myself." She murmured and started putting her shoes on. Usually, she would have changed her outfit again, until she found one that didn't make her feel like that. She would have gone through every clothing item she owned until she found one that was at least a little bit decent.
But Joe was right, no one else saw what she saw. No one else saw her the way that she did. They didn't notice everything that worried her.
"Exactly." Joe grabbed a brown coat and put it on.
"Ugh," Taylor sighed. "I look like I haven't even tried compared to you! You look amazing."
"That's not true!" Joe said to her with a smile. "You look lovely. I love your hair like that."
She'd left her hair in its normal state, she hadn't straightened it and hadn't curled it. It was wavy, and she thought that it made her face look less gaunt. She wanted to look as healthy as she could. She wanted to look as if she was unphased by the events of the last few days. Of the tumultuous relationship she'd fled.
She threw a grey scarf around her neck. "You don't have to hide them, you know," Joe told her as he opened the curtains. "People are so proud of you. You're helping so many people."
"How do you know?" She was certain that he was lying, that he was trying to make her feel better. People would be mad at her. Disappointed in the person she had become. There was no way that she would have made people feel important, feel heard.
"Because they haven't stopped talking about you for a second, Taylor. The fans, they still love you to pieces, and you've given them the courage they needed to realise that they deserved better, too."
This made her pull her scarf away from her neck, and she laid it down on the bed. She hadn't even thought of the consequences of going public. Well, she had. But they'd only been selfish consequences that she'd thought of. She didn't think of all the other people that were in her situation but didn't have the ability to leave.
There were other people that had been through her pain, that were going through her pain. And she'd shown that these kinds of things happen to anyone, regardless of whether you live your life in a rural town, or whether you've had a spotlight beaming down on you since you were sixteen. It really did happen to anyone. Taylor felt bad that she hadn't thought of all the ways that she'd help people by telling them this. She couldn't actually believe that she hadn't thought of that already, because it was usually one of the first things she thinks about. She usually thought about what impact it would have on her fans, but that didn't even cross her head.
"I'm not going to wear it," Taylor concluded, as much as the thought terrified her.
"I'm proud of you," Joe kissed her cheek. "You can do this. I know you can."
"Do you think I should tie my hair up?" Taylor asked.
"It might be a bit windy, you might get sick of it getting in your eyes," Joe answered. "It's really up to you, love."
"Maybe I will..." She tied her hair into a low ponytail and sighed.
Deep down, she was surprised that Joe hadn't gotten mad at her yet, because she knew that she was annoying. Adam would have hit her by now, trying to smack some sense into her. "I'm sorry, I know that this is frustrating."
"It's not, Taylor. Trust me, it's not. I'm happy to tell you how beautiful you are every single minute until we walk out the door if that's how many times you need to hear it in order to believe it." He cupped her cheek, and she smiled.
"I really, actually don't deserve you."
Joe shook his head. "I'm nothing special, Taylor. I'm just treating you the way that he should've treated you. The way that anyone on this planet should treat you."
The cameras were waiting for them the moment they got out of the lift. Taylor wanted to just get back in the lift and go up to the safety of Joe's apartment. She took a step backwards, and Joe took her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.
"We don't have to do this," He told her. "We could always sit on the couch and shop online if you're not ready. It's okay if you're not ready."
"No..." Taylor realised that her fans would see these photos, see her walking, without covering up her scars or bruises. People would see her and know that they're not alone. People would learn not to be ashamed of the scars of the past.
"I can do this."
"Yes, you can." A tiny piece of her was starting to believe it, too.
And Taylor, walking hand in hand with Joe, faced the camera flashes.
It was just as bad as she thought it was going to be. If it weren't for the security, her fans would have tried to get up close, trying to get the best photo of her bruises. They tried to get her to answer their questions, but she blocked them out. Questions about Adam, about Joe, about how she was. She focused on the feel of Joe's hand in hers, focused on the fact that she was finally free. She was just her, going out with a man. When she was with Joe, she could block out all the cameras, and all of their nosy questions. She'd never been able to before, she had never been able to block them out.
"You did so well." Joe kissed her hand, his lips so soft and warm. He didn't seem bothered by all of it. He was normal. He was the exact same person as he was when they were at home alone. He didn't put on another personality as Adam did. He didn't change who he truly was for the cameras.
The rest of it actually went okay. Both the mall security and her own security made sure that they weren't disturbed in each shop they went into, and this gave them peace. Taylor didn't even know for sure what she was here to buy, but she knew that she needed to buy a few more things for her Mom. She'd already brought her dad's present, and she'd brought her brother, Austin a gift way back in August. She watched as Joe looked around the shops, watching the way he looked at things. He studied the cover of notebooks, studied the book covers. She could tell that he was thinking about painting. About whether he would be able to make that exact shade of blue. He often pulled out his phone to take photos of things he felt inspired by. Coffee table books, books about flowers and crystals. Certain shades of blue, particular shades of yellow. He was so much more than the actor she'd seen on the television, he was an artist in more ways than one.
She knew that she had to find Joe something for Christmas, but she felt as if anything she could possibly think of getting him wouldn't even come close to his book of poetry.
It struck her all at once - she knew what to get him.
She smiled. It was perfect. It still wouldn't ever compare to the notebook, but she hoped that Joe would like it anyway.
She ended up convincing Joe that they really needed to buy a Christmas tree, even if they weren't going to be there for Christmas. It didn't take that much convincing.
"We're just going to have to take it down again - we aren't even here for Christmas." He told her with a smile.
Taylor shrugged. "It's a part of Christmas! Even if it's fake. And who says we can't leave everything up until January? February or March?"
Taylor was leaning against the wall, surrounded by security. Joe had gone to the car to put the Christmas tree in it, as well as Taylor's bags. She had two security guards on either side of her and still felt like everyone was watching her. She felt too... out in the open. She started biting her lip, having to restrain herself from pulling her coat up and taking her hair down to hide the bruises.
"Taylor?" The voice of a young woman came from in front of her. Taylor looked over at her with a smile. She was used to that, it came naturally to her now. The security tried to stop Taylor from going over to her, but she told them to let her be. She went over to the woman, probably a few years younger than her, and saw that there were bruises on her wrists.
"I just wanted to say thank you... because I-I saw your post and I... I realised that I didn't deserve to be treated like... I was worthless." The woman told her, her voice shaking. "So... yeah. I know that it probably sucks and all, having it everywhere. But at my support group this morning, everyone was talking about how important it was that you were doing this, and I told them that it wasn't surprising because you just... it's just the sort of person you are, you know? You just always do what's best for everyone. So thank you. From me, and everyone else." The woman said with a smile. "You've really given people the courage they need to be fearless."
"You're welcome," Taylor began. But she didn't even really have the words to tell her. "I hope that you can see your worth because you're right. You deserve so much better. You deserve someone who actually treats you well, and cares about you. And it's not going to be easy, but I know that you can do it." She saw Joe coming back from the car, and he greeted her with a smile. She smiled back. The woman looked between the two of them and raised an eyebrow, but didn't say a word.
"I'd better go... thanks again." The woman didn't wait for her response.
"Making friends?" Joe asked her with a smile.
Taylor gave him a small smile in return as her cheeks flushed red. "She... thanked me for speaking out... she was like me."
They stopped off at two more shops, where Taylor found a couple more presents, but grabbed a couple of things she wanted to take with her to her parents. Then, they headed for a park. It wasn't the warmest day, but with hot drinks in hand, both of them felt warm. The wind was blustery and cool, and Taylor was glad she'd been brave enough to tie up her hair. She finally allowed herself to get a pumpkin spice latte.
"You're a star," she told Joe as she had a sip of her drink. "You know that? You always keep surprising me with how amazing you can be."
Joe blushed, turning a soft shade of pink. "I know that you think that you're not making any progress, but you are. You always keep surprising me with how amazing you can be." He chuckled as he copied her words. She nudged him softly and laughed.
"I don't think I'll ever be able to thank you enough for everything you've done for me."
"Just seeing those sparkles in your eyes is enough for me," Joe murmured. A big gust of wind blew his hair across his face and he tried to blow it back to its position, but it just wouldn't budge. He groaned, getting Taylor's attention. She looked up at him and laughed.
"What?" He grinned.
"Unicorn." That was all Taylor could say before she burst into laughter, and wouldn't stop pointing at his head. Her laugh was contagious, and soon enough, he couldn't stop laughing either.
When the two of them finally calmed down enough to both talk and listen, Joe finished his sentence. "Because they weren't there at the cafe. The sparkles, I mean. They weren't there. They weren't there until yesterday when you were smiling and reading the poetry. And then they were there today when you were talking about all the hikes we could do. And it's still there now. Just seeing that light in your eyes that wasn't there before is enough for me." She wasn't going to kiss him. She'd already made it clear to herself that she wouldn't make contact with him in that way while out in public, but when he said that, she couldn't resist. She took his hand, leaned up, and kissed his lips. And she didn't care if people saw. She didn't care if the cameras started flashing.
When she opened her eyes, he was smiling. "Wow."
"I know, I'm sorry - I know that we've never even talked about what we're doing in public." Taylor immediately pulled away from him. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay, you don't need to apologise. I liked it. It felt very scandalous." He chuckled. "A little exciting."
"Really?" Taylor bit her lip to stop herself from laughing.
"Of course! I haven't had that much excitement in... since I once accidentally rode my bike into a river a few years ago." Taylor laughed again.
"You would," She said through laughter, "I bet your mind was too busy thinking about which poet was your favourite."
"You're not wrong... I'd just read all of Emily Dickinson's poetry and I couldn't think about anything else for a month." Joe gave her a smile. "When would you like to go to your parents?"
"I was thinking maybe the twentieth? I know that she's got a lot of pre-Christmas plans, and that means that we'll get to pick the best room because Austin isn't arriving until the twenty-second."
"Ah. Sibling rivalry. There's nothing more entertaining." Joe was still holding her hand.
The walk was coming to an end, the drinks were becoming lukewarm, and there was rain in the air. But nothing could dampen their day.
Taylor wasn't the only one with a sparkle in her eyes that hadn't been there before. Sparkles of light, hope and love. Joe felt it too. The sparkles of daylight danced across his skin as if his body was melting, defrosting. As if he was being pulled from the darkness. Because he had a good idea of the fact that he'd helped her escape, saved her - but he realised that she had no clue that she'd also saved him, that he was almost going to give up. That he wasn't actually rearranging his bookshelf at all. He was trying everything to keep him from opening his old wounds, from digging too deep. Just trying to get that hollowness in his chest to leave. But then he'd seen her, literally held her broken pieces in his hands and that feeling began to slip away. He didn't feel so hollow anymore, he didn't feel like he was about to implode.
He'd saved her, but she'd saved him, too. Joe couldn't help but wonder if she'd ever know that. Sure, she'd figured out that he was William Bowery, but would she ever realise just how badly he'd lost his way before she arrived in his life?