solicitude
/səˈlɪsɪtjuːd/
noun: solicitude
care or concern for someone or something.
Glendale, AZ
Thursday May 11th
Soraya Legacy Valentine | Binkie
"You good?" Soraya nodded half heartedly, "what's going on with you?" they asked again
"Nothings wrong with me." She mumbled lowly.
"Speak up ion know why you speaking like that. Why yeen use my number, it's been like two weeks?" Soraya huffed rolling her eyes finding vast interest in a rock on the ground.
"I've been busy and I've been doing stuff. I work remember."
"Well I haven't been seeing you here and I've been dropping and picking up Kaia every day." Soraya had been avoiding him obviously, she'd always do something whenever she heard Kaia's chirpy voice. She'd stay with her the whole day however she wouldn't go anywhere near her brother, why she wasn't too sure however she just couldn't be near him.
She didn't trust herself in his presence.
"Oh." Hezekiah scrunched up his eyebrows.
"Don't oh me, the fuck is wrong with you? Matta fact how you get here?" Soraya huffed not wanting to respond to him at all anymore.
"I got a bus Hezekiah, so what? Ain't nothing wrong with taking the bus." Hezekiah looked at Soraya as if she was crazy.
"Ain't isn't a word don't let me catch you talking like that again. And why you taking the bus? Trenton's living freely again and shit, getting bitches pregnant." Hezekiah laughed thinking about it, Olivine had ran off to Cynthia talking about her pregnancy and a lot of people had overheard.
When Trenton saw Olivine at the trap he confronted her about all the shit that had been going around, she was overfilled with happiness whereas Trenton was only thinking about all the girls he'd initially gotten pregnant.
"Who's he got pregnant? He's got someone pregnant?" Soraya didn't mean to sound curious however deep down she knew she felt a lot of emotions for her older brother, majority anger and fury however deep deep deep down in the crevices of her cold heart she absolutely loved him.
"You didn't know?" Hezekiah raised his eyebrows, "not even surprised. He supposedly got Olivine, Damaris and this girl Yaniera."
"How you know?"
"I know Olivine because I fuck with one of her friends that told me, Damaris is my boys sister and Yaniera ion really know how I know about her but yea he knocked up three girls."
"What do you mean fuck with her?"
"We fuck ona low, not really ona low but we fuck." Soraya furrowed her eyebrows slightly frustrated, she felt like Hezekiah was currently just making a joke of the young woman, "we haven't fucked in a long time though."
"That doesn't change shit," Soraya rolled her eyes, "I'm finna leave."
"Let me drop you," Hezekiah knew he sort've fucked up but wanted to fix it as soon as possible, "please." He added once noticing her 'fuck off' expression.
Not wanting to get back on the bus Soraya stiffly nodded yes, it wasn't that she was stuck up or anything however noise fucked with her head.
No matter how much she wanted to evolve and change she could possibly change how she reacted and behaved however she couldn't change her mental issues - she couldn't ignore them either.
Loud noises was a big no no and made her head vibrate - that would never change. On her way to the daycare there was a crying baby and his mother looked at her son then went back to typing away on her phone. Soraya was tempted to throw the baby out the bus and strangle the life out of the worthless woman.
Jalen felt how tense the woman had become and took hold of her much larger hand and squeezed it tightly sending her a warm smile to which she sent one back grateful for the young boys presence.
As they walked towards Hezekiah's car there was a dull silence surrounding them and despite Soraya's uncomfortableness on the bus she'd rather be here than there.
Silence invited her and vice versa she found comfort in quietude.
Hezekiah on the other hand was different, he wasn't desperate for conversation or anything of the sort however he wanted to talk to Soraya.
He wanted to get to know her he wanted her to be comfortable around him, he wanted her to be free.
"You look good." Hezekiah observed as he began to pull off, "you can set up your music again if you want."
Soraya nodded attaching her phone to the bluetooth, "thank you by the way." Soraya sighed her heat feeling heavy for reasons she didn't want to let out into the open, "for the compliment and um driving me places."
"You're welcome ma." Hezekiah smirked looking over at the girl in his passenger seat who squirmed.
"You wanna compliment me, think I look good?" Hezekiah teased as Soraya scrolled down her playlist.
Soraya paused looking up at the man driving before analysing his fit for the day, he wore a basic white tee with some green branded tracksuit shorts and blue and white Jordan 12's, overall Soraya couldn't like he did look very attractive.
"Yeah," she agreed catching him off guard, "you look very good matter of fact, i could jump you in that seat right now." Hezekiah threw his head back and let out a deep throaty laugh (something he rarely did) Soraya found it beautiful she wished to store the sound in her mind and replay it everyday.
"You're so bad at flirting ma, but thank you: it's always great to know you look daddyish."
"Now now that's most definitely not what I said, do not get your hopes up." Hezekiah smirked ignoring her doing just as instructed not to."
"You still haven't played any music ma." Soraya rolled her eyes at his impatience unlocking her phone due to it turning off because she left it unattended for too long, she tapped on the first song she saw which just so happened to be 'I Ain't Perfect by Mozzy and Blxst'
"Awe I fuck with this ma."
"I'm really not your ma, stop calling me that Hezekiah." Soraya truly didn't like the name, Hezekiah quickly realised she wasn't messing around when she asked him to stop saying it and so genuinely apologised, another thing he didn't do too often.
"I'm sorry Soso." Soraya rolled her eyes at the new nickname which was no better, Hezekiah grinned lightly at her frustration.
He pulled up at a red light and heard his phone buzz in his front pocket. Taking it out he read over the message and Soraya watched his facial expressions change near enough five times in a maximum of 7 seconds.
"Is everything alright?" Hezekiah ignored her as he begun cussing at whatever appeared on his phone.
As soon as the red light turned green Hezekiah stepped on the gas at an immense speed, "calm the fuck down what the fuck is wrong with you! Hezekiah!" Soraya screamed his name as he paid no attention to her, ignoring her for the rest of the ride.
"You're fucked up so fucked up, what the fuck Hezekiah!" Hezekiah sighed rolling his eyes as he parked outside her house.
"You can leave." Soraya looked at him as if he was crazy.
"Bet, please don't ever contact my phone ever again. Fuck you respectively." Hezekiah paid no attention to the angry woman as she opened his car door and began pacing towards her house.
Soraya opened her front door and got in with such fury she nearly slammed the door shut. She sighed lowly closing it carefully before making her way to her bedroom.
She slipped out of her uggs before dropping onto her bed, usually Soraya wouldn't get onto her bed or any bed in her outside clothes however she was exhausted. Mentally and physically.
"Fuck everybody." She mumbled lowly. Tears threatened to fall and she let them.
In order to evolve she had to accept her failures and, when she felt like she failed and wanted to cry she had to allow herself to do so.
If she didn't and just bottled all her emotions in she wouldn't get anywhere.
"Okay to be disappointed, okay to be angry, okay to feel frustrated, okay to be upset, it's okay, you're okay, we're okay." Soraya began exhaling and inhaling before sitting up on her bed, "we'll always be okay, okay?" she reassured herself before a grime smile found its way okay her face.
That didn't stop the tears from falling though as her smile crumbled, tears fell from her face and she made no effort to stop them dropping her head into her hands, resting her elbows on her shoulders.
"You're okay, we're okay, it's okay." She cried out feeling her heart tear away. Her tears soaked her hands and she didn't make a move to dry them.
She sat there crying for what felt like hours however felt extremely refreshed when finished.
She finally stood up after having her back hunched over for near enough thirty minutes.
She undressed out of the clothes she wore to drop Jalen off at daycare before walking into her combined bathroom.
She sat on the toilet seat void of emotion before leaning over and plugging in the plug that prevented the water from going down the drain in the bath tub. She twisted the hot water tap and let it fill.
Next she went back inside her bedroom and searched around for her shower cap not wanting to get her hair at all wet, she needed to get her hair done however didn't know where to go or what to actually do. She made sure all her hair was tucked inside before going back in the bathroom, going back to sit on her toilet seat.
Once the bath was done she stood to her feet and walked over to her cabinet opening it and ignoring all the medicines she hadn't been taking and grabbing three unused bath bombs.
"Hmm pink, green and blue." She whispered to herself before dropping them in the bath tub. She sat back down on the toilet seat before watching them fizzle and then dissipate.
That's what her life currently felt like, a bath bomb.
The fizzling portrayed when her life went good, that only ever lasted a couple seconds minutes at most just like the fizzling part of the bath bombs dissipation.
Then it began crumbling away before it was nothing.
Her life was a clear bath bomb, because even the pretty blue, green and pink bath bombs got a happy ending after all.
She was always the same.
A very blank clear bath bomb.
⌛️⏳⌛️
Stepping out of the bath tub Soraya drained the tub scrutinising her prune fingers.
"I-I need to get them done." She found herself whispering lowly.
She tore her eyes away from her finger nails grabbing her pink towel off of the back of the door hook.
"You're okay, I'm okay, we're okay." Soraya have herself some sweet motivation whilst looking at herself in the mirror.
"You're pretty." She found herself reminding herself of her beauty, "so so pretty. A-and if no-one can see that, make sure you always can, okay?" She smiled at her reflection.
She began doing her skin care and making sure she'd taken care of everything she needed to.
She moisturised her body and freed herself from her towel before walking back into her bedroom and opening her third draw, taking out a soft silky nigh set consisting of a pink satin vest top and a pair of pretty pink shorts that had some lace attached to the ends.
She found herself smiling at her reflection in her long mirror, walking back into the bathroom she opened the cabinet and grabbed her librium and xanax pills. She held both tubs and made her way down the hall into the kitchen.
She opened one of the high up cupboards and took out a glass before filling it midway with water. She opened the xanax pills and carefully placed two in the palm of her hand, she downed them with some water before repeating that method with the librium.
"Good girl." She praised herself, smiling slightly, "you're doing good I'm proud, well done, good girl." She repeated the praises trying to convince herself she really was what she persuaded herself to be.
Walking back down the hallway the caretaker found herself back in the marble covered bathroom.
Resting her head on the cool chill wall she began tapping against the walls.
"Don't you remember that first time? Sunshine by the pool." She found herself whispering slightly the lyrics to a song that had been in her mind constantly.
"No concept of time. Spent the whole day tryna keep my cool." She hummed lightly tapping her finger to the soundless beat.
"Any way you want to baby. It's only me and you." She nodded as if reassuring herself it was just her and herself, "it's only me and you." she whispered again more quietly than the first.
"When the sun comes up." She forgot the rest of the lyrics of verse one and moved onto the next part she knew, "when the sun comes up." She repeated the lyrics how she remembered them.
"When the sun comes up, when the sun comes up, when the sun comes up." she continued to repeated the five worded phrase.
"when the sun comes up." She repeated it a final times as hot tears escaped from her eyes clutches, "when the sun comes up." her voice was croaky, "when the sun comes up," her voice was cold as she roughly wiped the tears from her cheeks, "when the sun comes up." she repeated.
"I'll still be alone." She cried out dropping to the flor her wails echoing off of the bathroom walls. She cried more and more, whimpers escaping from her mouth, "when the sun comes up." she repeated.
"S-stay with me." she begged to no-one, "w-when the sun comes up." she cried again.
She wrapped her arms around her legs crying into her knees, "w-when the sun comes up. P-please." She begged again.
"I-I don't want to be alone." she silently cried no more sounds coming from her mouth.
This time she really did just sit there crying for hours, when her tears had finally ran out she simply remained silently.
Wordless.
She had nothing else to say.
Every time she tried, everybody just let her down.
It was like nobody even wanted her around.
They'd poke her out of her shell then like a snail she'd try cower away, but they'd manage to pull her out.
Only to damage once her shell was left behind and she was vulnerable and lonely.
They'd all just take advantage of her happiness.
She felt like she always failed, so she never tried.
It wasn't even like anyone was even encouraging her anymore or urging her on to be the best her she could be.
She felt like giving up. But then she heard the sweet voice of Adrienne.
"When I grow up I want to be like you Miss Raya!"
I want to be like you Miss Raya
I want to be
like you
Miss Raya
like you
Miss Raya
The thought made her cry more, her eyes now bloodshot red.
"I-I'm sorry." she weeped lowly, "I-I'm sorry for failing you Adri."
"W-when the sun comes up." she found herself repeating the lyric again, "I-I'll be better."
"I promise I'll retry a-and I'll be better."
"When the sun comes up." Gone with the tears she was determined.
She'd be strong.
No matter how much strength she had left.