"What brought you here, to New York of all places?" Taylor asked as the star-shaped droplets started falling to the ground outside. She couldn't recall how long she'd been sitting here - she didn't mind that it felt like forever. It could have been twenty seconds, but it also could have been a lifetime, too. The world kept moving swiftly outside, the hustle and bustle continuing as she got lost in his eyes. He was calm, soft-spoken and kind. He had this captivating smile and these opal eyes that she couldn't drag herself away from. His accent, deep and British, was a voice she could listen to for the rest of her life.
While she talked, he listened and seemed to love what she was saying. It was so refreshing - to have every word that came out of her mouth be appreciated by someone who genuinely seemed to care. He seemed to be taking in every single word she was saying. He didn't cut her off or change the subject. Seemed to know exactly what she meant. He didn't cut her down or say that it was stupid. "You know... I'm one for dreams. When I was five and first saw the big lights of New York City for the first time, I knew that I wanted to move here one day. It's a long way from home, and certainly a lot busier than home, but... it's a place for the dreamers." His words were laced with beauty. They were the sort of words that would only sound good coming out of Joe's mouth. "I like to think that, you know... being an actor... is sort of like being a dreamer. I bring the dreams to life. I play characters that have just been words on paper until I bring them alive. I like to think that maybe... just maybe, I belong here." There was a loneliness in his voice, she noticed it in an instant. She'd felt like that for a little too long, and that made her recognise it instantly. A soft, invisible golden light radiated off of the two of them, which one could see if they paid enough attention. A person could only notice it if they'd felt like this themselves, if they'd been in such a dark place and finally seen the daylight.
She hadn't felt this warm in the longest time. Taylor nodded and was about to open her mouth to say something else when her phone started vibrating in her pocket. She winced. There was only really, ever one person that called her these days. Her mom, yes, but that was often much later in the day. Which left one other person. Adam.
"You can get that if you want, don't let me stop you." Joe offered and pulled a little leather notebook out of his pocket. She didn't want to get it. She wanted to tell him, no. I want to sit here with you forever. But she stopped herself. She'd only dreamed about this moment for almost four years... and Adam was going to dampen her moment.She picked up the phone and hoped like hell that Joe couldn't hear the voice screaming at her across the phone. She tried keeping her face happy, tried to make sure that Joe couldn't tell that she was upset. She glanced up at him once more before she looked down at the floor. "Where the fuck are you? I can't see your location. You just leave without letting me know? You've been gone for two hours! What the fuck? Who are you with? Who the fuck are you with?" She tried her best to keep a straight, calm face, but from the look on Joe's face across the table, she could tell that she faltered. She could tell that the fear was written all over her face. She couldn't hide the way that Adam made her feel, even through the phone. "I'm just doing the rest of the Christmas shopping... I'll be home soon... I ran into a friend and now we're just having coffee." She bit her lip, hard. She'd gotten into so many bad habits while she'd been with him. Habits that she knew were bad and that was going to be incredibly hard to get rid of. "Who are you with?" It was not phrased as a question. Adam didn't like questions. It was a command. Taylor closed her eyes, sighing. She didn't know what to do, because if she said someone else's name then Joe might wonder why she never said that she was with him... and then she might have to explain it all. She couldn't do that. "An old friend." She told Adam softly. "I'll be home soon." She hung up the phone, even though she knows that this will make him angry. She knew it was a mistake but she didn't see any other way. Her life seemed to be a balance of deciding which mistake would hurt her less.
"Are you okay?" Joe asked her as she placed her phone back into her pocket. His voice was quiet, and Taylor worried that she'd spoiled it all. There it was; the dreaded question that haunted her wherever she went. He didn't break eye contact with her, didn't look away. "I... have to go," Taylor spoke softly with a shaking voice. "Sorry. It's been great. So, so great. I've had the best time... really. I loved talking to you so much, you have no idea." She stood up from the table, leaving a generous tip. "Sorry. I'm just so sorry."
"Wait-" She heard him come after her, but didn't stop until she was standing outside. And even then, she knew she shouldn't stop. If someone got a photo of her with him - and Adam saw? There'd be no coming back from that. If Adam found out about this, she worried she wouldn't see the dawn again.
The clouds were cold and forlorn when Taylor glanced up at them, waiting for the rain to start up again. It had been raining heavily for over a week now. This was the first break in the weather that they'd had in seven days. The wind was bitterly cold, the rain only a gentle drop here and there. "Let me take you home." The words came from behind her, and she spun around to face him. She'd never expected him to follow her out here, never expected that he might think she was worth chasing after on such a cold day.
"Oh... err... no. It's fine. Don't worry about it. I live pretty close." Taylor was used to making excuses like this. "Like, just down the street. And it gets pretty busy, you know, being me and all. I've got security picking me up." That last part was a lie, and she wondered if he knew. She wondered if he could see right through her."Taylor, it's a bitterly cold day. Come on - it'll only take five minutes. My apartment is right around the corner, let's go. Just let me grab my car and then I'll take you home."
"No, it's okay. Don't bother yourself with that. You really don't have to." Taylor bit her lip again. She tended to do this when she was anxious. Just as Taylor was about to turn away from him and fade back into the crowd, a big gust of wind tore her scarf from her neck. Her light blue scarf tangled in the air and the moment seemed to occur in slow motion. It would have flown away, had Joe not caught it in time. It almost perfectly slipped in between his fingers and caught there.
For a single moment, she forgot why she wore the scarf in the first place. For a moment, she reached for her scarf and didn't even hide her neck. For a moment, she was just a normal woman. For a moment, she was a person without bruises and scars. For a moment, she was the person she used to be before her heart was torn apart."Taylor..." His voice trailed off in shock. He spoke so softly that she barely heard him at all. Soft voices scared her. He looked at her neck as he handed her scarf back and his smile faded. "What happened to you?" Her hands immediately went to her neck. Her face fell in the realisation of how she'd messed up."N-Nothing. I'm fine. Trust me. I slipped on some ice a couple of days ago." She wouldn't meet his eyes, and he sighed. She couldn't tell him, couldn't open up in that way.
He reached out, and he slowly grabbed her hand. He held onto it and didn't let it go until he'd led her down the street and into the foyer of his apartment. She didn't want him to let go. There was a huge part of her that wanted to stay with him - which is probably why she didn't stop him from taking her home. As soon as the door was shut and the street went quiet, he turned to face her. Taylor's blue scarf was still clutched tightly in his hand. She couldn't help but notice that he held it as if it were valuable, something he needed to keep safe.
"You didn't slip." This was one of the first times that someone had seen through her lies, and she didn't know what to do. She hadn't prepared herself for the situation where someone could see past her facade. "I did. I was... ice skating and I fell over. I'm... pretty clumsy."
"No." Joe paused. He finally looked her in the eyes again, shaking his head. "No. That's not the kind of bruise you get from falling on ice. You don't often get bruises on your neck... unless..." He paused again and watched her closely.
"Taylor. Did someone hit you?" His words were so quiet she barely heard him, but she knew what he said. They echoed around her head and she didn't even know how to answer them.
Her face crumpled, and all she wanted to do was cry. She turned away from him, trying to regain her posture. "Was it Adam?" She flinched at his name coming out of Joe's mouth, damming the fact that the world knew about her relationship with Adam. He took a few steps toward her and placed a hand on her shoulder. She flinched, her heart skipping a beat. Faintly, she shook her head. She couldn't do this... couldn't have this conversation, after all, she barely even knew Joe Alwyn. They'd only spoken on a couple of occasions... watched each other from across the room, etched into their dreams forevermore... but this was the first time she'd had a proper conversation with him. And their first real conversation together couldn't be about this. She couldn't tell him about the parts of her life that she'd kept trapped in the dark for a while. For three years.
"Taylor." His voice was so calm. Quiet and soft. It made her insides turn to liquid, and she wanted so badly to just let it all out. "You can talk to me. I can help you. Please, I just want to help you."
"No. I'm sorry, Joe. I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have come back here. This was a mistake. I'm so sorry, I'll go home now." Her voice was shaking and Taylor wondered if Joe could hear that.
"Please, Taylor. If he's hurting you... don't go back to him. Stay here. We can sort something out and it will be okay... I can't let you go back to him unless you promise me that he's not the one who gave you that bruise." His hand was still placed on her shoulder, his thumb gently stroking her backwards and forwards. She hadn't had a soft touch like that in months. She wanted to cry but the tears wouldn't come. She couldn't promise him that. She didn't know what to say, so she simply turned around to face him.
"Promise me, Taylor. Please."
"I can't." Taylor cried out. "I can't. I'm sorry." Finally, a few tears streamed down her cheek.
Joe sighed, glancing away from her for a few brief moments before his eyes met hers again.
"I can't let you go back to him, Taylor. I can't. I wish that I didn't care because frankly, that would be a lot easier, but I do care and I can't let you go back to him."
"You have to." Taylor bit her lip. "I have to go back."
"Stay with me. Stay with me for tonight. Just tonight. We can figure out what we will do later... but if he's hurting you, you can't go back. I'll book you a flight to your parent's house or to a friend's house, quite frankly, you can go anywhere you want... but not back there, not back home." Taylor frantically shook her head.
"I have to go back. Joe - I'm sorry."
"Taylor -" And with that, she'd fled, back down the stairs and out into the winter air. She didn't realise until she was back out on the street - that he still had her scarf. She pulled up her coat to hide her bruises and made sure that her hair covered most of it. He still had her scarf. The moment was reminiscent of a past relationship - but at that moment, she only wanted to think about getting home with no one seeing her bruised neck.
She had left a piece of her heart with Joe in the foyer of his apartment. Oh, how she wanted to turn back around and run into his arms - but she couldn't. She wanted to sit down and get to know him, she wanted him. She wanted to sit and talk about Emily Dickinson, about all of his favourite words. She knew what would happen the moment that Adam found out. She didn't want to put Joe in that kind of danger. She told herself that she couldn't go back because this was protecting him from Adam's rage. She was a better person by staying away from Joe. It was the afternoon now, and the rain had picked up again as she walked up the stairs to her apartment. She'd made a habit of that too. Firstly, it burnt calories and secondly because it meant that it took longer for her to get home. Her hair was dripping, the rain disguising her tears. Returning here, to what was supposed to feel like home, had grown to be something that she dreaded, something that shouldn't feel like that. Before she made it to the door, a message popped up on her phone.
I got your number from my manager, the message said. Sorry if this is weird but I couldn't just let you leave without having any way to contact you. Please don't hesitate to call me if you need me, Taylor. Please let me know that you're okay, or I swear, I won't be able to stop thinking about you. If you need help, call me. Text me. Whatever. Whenever. I don't really have anything to do around here, so call me. Joe.
Taylor felt her lip tremble again, and she saved Joe's number to her phone but didn't reply to the message. She didn't even save it under his own name, because if Adam were to find it... he'd be furious. She clasped her hand around the door handle, took a deep breath and opened the door.
"Where the fuck have you been?" Adam charged at her. "Christmas shopping. You - you can't peek because I have something in here for you-" She tried to make him relax a little bit, but it wasn't working. Tried to distract him from his anger. He always paced around the room when his anger was spiralling out of control, and he was currently walking backwards and forwards in front of the couch. This was the sort of anger that she couldn't control, no matter how hard she had tried to learn how. Even though she'd spent the last three years trying to learn how to play his game, she hadn't figured out how to play it better than him. The television hummed softly in the background.
"Who were you with?" His voice was ice-cold, so cruel and bitter. "Was it one of your exes?"
"What?" Taylor said defensively. "No. Of course not."
"Well? Then who was it?" He had backed her up against the door. "I just want to know so I can protect you, baby." He leans over to her and kisses her lips. "No one can protect you as well as I can."
"No, Adam. Not right now." Taylor tried to push him away - he tended to do this when he was trying to make it up to her. "I don't want to do this."
He always tried to make it up to her. Tried to make her have sex with him because he thought that would make her feel better. But it never did. It only made her feel worse.
"Come on baby, I love you and I am just trying to make you feel better. I was just worried about you, that's all. Come on, you can't blame me for worrying about you when you go frolicking about the city. I know you think I'm being dramatic, but you really made me worried, baby."
"No. NO." He had forced her to drop the bags of shopping and her handbag, whilst trying to take her coat off.
"Adam, stop. Please. Adam, No."
"Shh, baby. I'm gonna make you feel so much better." He pinned her hands behind her, and she struggled against him. She kept trying to tell him to stop, but he refused to listen. He kept going, not even bothering to take her clothes off, and Taylor felt herself implode into a mess of butterflies and broken pieces.
"I'd never hurt you, baby. I never would. I just love you so fucking much." He muttered into her ear. The tears streamed down her cheeks. "Trust me, baby. I love you. I'm helping you and I'm keeping you safe."
The next morning, Taylor woke up to Adam's arm draped across her chest. That feeling made her feel suffocated. He was still sound asleep beside her, and she crept out of bed, heading over to sit by the window. She had this feeling of emptiness in her chest and it refused to leave. When this happened, when he touched her when she didn't want him to, she had this way of pretending that she was not herself. That she wasn't here. She wasn't lying on the bed, she was not in this room, this apartment. She looked up, her knees at her chest in her chair, and heard Adam speak, but he was not talking to her. He must be on the phone, she concluded with relief. She breathed a sigh of relief when she heard the bathroom door shut. She didn't move to get up, she just sat there, watching the early morning sun come over the rooftops. Faintly, in the reflection, Taylor could see herself. Standing in her place? The reflection of a girl that she hardly recognised. Adam left without paying her any attention, only slamming the door behind him.
-
The desire was always there, always in the back of her mind. The small little cuts up her arm. She always ensured that it wasn't the arm that she did stuff with, not the arm that she shakes the hands of her fans or the arm that she waves with. Taylor knew that she couldn't ever have anyone seeing these scratches, these self-inflicted wounds. At first, when she did it that first time, it made all of her pain feel a little more manageable. But now, it was more of a bad habit. It didn't make her pain go away and just left her with more scars. She was sitting on the bathroom floor, her head in her hands. But it was routine now, and now she couldn't stop.
"What the fuck are you doing in there?" She flinched when she heard him call out to her, pounding on the door. "Hurry the fuck up."
"I'll be out in a minute. I promise, babe." She murmured. Her hands scrambled to put the blade in the rubbish bin, trying to wipe away the blood. She exited the bathroom, her head down.
"Why are you crying?" He grabbed her hand, and Taylor winced in pain. Her whole body ached.
"I am not crying." She whimpered.
"Oh, here we go. Another fucking lie. I'm gonna be nice and ask you one more time. Why are you crying?" A part of her snapped.
"I don't want to be treated like this anymore." She didn't know where that came from, because usually, she would keep her mouth shut.
"You fucking bitch." He slapped her and she stumbled backwards. "Taylor ... I'm so sorry. Taylor ... Fuck, I love you, Taylor. You just make me so mad sometimes, but I fucking love you, baby." Adam twisted her arm and sighed. "Look who's cutting again, baby... no."
"Adam, please." She begged.
"Shut the fuck up. Do you want people to know? Do you want them to see?" He pauses. "I bet you do because you don't love me. Fuck. That hurts."
"No... of course, I don't want them to-"
"Really? Because it seems like you do." He began to kiss her again, and she tried to push him away. "Don't fucking keep pushing me away." He snapped. "You don't do that to the people you love."
"You don't hit the people you love, either." Taylor found the courage to say. She pushed him away again and realised that she couldn't do this anymore. She was so tired, so sick of hurting. She pushed him backwards and turned back around, leaving. She opened the door and walked back down the stairs. She felt faint, she knew that she really should be eating something. He called after her and even tried to come after her, but she has mastered the art of walking down these stairs quickly. He was making so much noise that she thought he might be tearing apart the place.
"Come back." He commanded, but she didn't turn back. He'd kill her one day, one day he'd be too mad and would hold her too tightly. Could she allow that to happen to her? How could she? She didn't deserve to die because she fell from the tightrope.
She had to leave. For the first time since she'd been hurt by him, she knew that this was her only choice. She knew that she had to leave now, or her life would be stolen. She needed to leave. For the first time in years, her head had a sense of clarity. She knew that she had to flee the building, the pink velvet chair... she knew without a shadow of a doubt, that this was the only choice right now. Her body ached. She left the apartment block and headed toward that coffee shop. The one with the blue door, and wisteria hanging above the menu. The tiny neon sign that held the flickering word, open. The cheesy quote about coffee that was standing on the sidewalk. The one with the seat that Joe had sat across from her on, listening to her talking about poetry and laughing with her. She was in shock, and could barely think straight. She tried to remember where it was, tried so hard to get her thoughts together but her mind was a mess.
When she was sure that Adam wasn't following her, she picked up her phone and called Joe's number."Hello?" She wanted to fall to pieces when she heard his voice. Relief flooded her body. It was him, it was her summer sun in the middle of winter. It was December 11, but when she heard him, it could have been July.
"It's... It's Taylor. I didn't know where else to go."
"Where are you? I'm coming to get you. Stay where you are. I'll be right there, don't worry." His voice made her feel like she didn't have to worry. That she'd be okay, that there was nothing to worry about - like there was nothing unusual about this circumstance.
She told him where she was, too exhausted and shocked to argue about anything. Taylor did her best to remain invisible, but saw the Paparazzi and froze. How did they always know where she was? She turned her back to them, facing the way she came, but they were there too. There was no escape. They were everywhere. There were flashing lights and yelling and her name was being called, questions being asked, and she felt herself beginning to panic.
Suddenly there was a hand that clutched hers, and a steady, warm body pulled her into his. His arm around her waist.
Joe.