AUGUST
"I can't believe I got my period." Lily crosses her arm and glares out of the wind shield. Her glare is so soft that I can't take it seriously. "Again."
"Well why wouldn't you get it?"
"I don't know, you tell me."
"What did I do?" I laugh.
"I donate my hair to make wigs for people who are sick and this is how God repays me? No baby." She starts to rant. "and not only no baby, but he reminds me that I have no baby by ripping out the lining of my uterus."
"We'll have another baby." I assure her calmly as I park my car in the spot closest to the door so that Lily doesn't have to walk far.
She wants to have another child more than she wants anything else. So, I guess I want that too. I'm not confident that I can be a good parent to another human being. Alyssa loves me, but perhaps I just got lucky. How do I know the next baby we have won't despise me? When Alyssa was a baby I was a different person so I can barely remember how I got by with her. All I know is that if we have another kid, I'll have to start over, and I'm afraid I'll be worse at raising a baby.
A car horn honks behind me and I look in my rearview mirror and see the all black car that is similar to mine. Catalina. I realize that I'm parked in the spot that she parks in everyday. Somehow she still manages to be hell even if we aren't face to face.
"Who is that?" Lily furrows her eyebrows, turning away from fixing her hair in the mirror.
"Catalina. This is where she usually parks." I explain as I put my hand on the gearshift. "I guess I'll just go to the other side."
"No." Lily puts her hand on mine to stop me from moving. "You don't have to move."
She's right. I don't have to move, but I also don't want to give Catalina a reason to come at me with her drama again. I've been avoiding her and so far I've been successful. Sometimes I see her in the building doing whatever she does and after we avoid eye contact for those few seconds, everything is over. I like it like that. Lily stopping me from moving the car is going to get in the way of how it is.
"It's just a parking spot."
"Exactly." She puts the gearshift in park and stares at me, waiting for me to move it.
I sigh and sit back on the seat, locking the door and staring back at her. If she wants to sit in the car and have a staring contest we can do that. Lily folds her arms and looks at me with the soft, serious look on her face; her eyebrows furrowed into concentration and her lips pouted.When I can no longer keep a straight face, I smile at her. She's so pretty and even though she hates it, I think she looks perfect with short hair brushing against her shoulders.
A smile starts to rise on her face as well. "Why are you smiling at me? I'm being serious."
"You're so bossy." I point out, thinking about the fact that we're only still here because she doesn't want me to move the car.
"Well, I am the boss." She holds up her work I.D to show me and I laugh.
Before I speak again, there is a light tap on my glass and I turn to look out the window, seeing Catalina standing there with her arms folded. Her eyes are shooting me a harsh look through the tinted glass. Now, she is a person with a glare that you'd want to take seriously.
I roll my window down only slightly so I can hear what she has to say--despite knowing that it's never anything important. Nothing she says to me is of any importance. In fact, it's so irrelevant that I bet I can tune her out and still go on about my day without having to wonder what it is she said.
"I park here everyday!" Catalina speaks as soon as I peek out of the window, not angry, just annoyed.
What am I supposed to say to her? I don't know. "Sorry?"
"Well move if you're sorry?" Catalina narrows her eyes as she offers the suggestion.
"I can't."
If I do Lily will just scoff because she made it her mission to keep me parked here. Bad enough, I didn't give her the baby she wants so bad. The least I could do is stay in the parking spot closest to the door while she suffers menstrual pains that are practically my fault.
"Do you have to be so stupid all the time?"
I start to respond to her insult, but I hear the vanity mirror snap shut and I turn my head to Lily as she closes it. She looks at me and raises an eyebrow. "Did she just call you stupid?"
"Well....not directly." I explain, trying to simmer the tension before it builds.
I see the look on her face when her eyebrows sink into her forehead.
"No, don't." I insist when she takes her seatbelt off and starts to lean across me.
I immediately put my hand over the window button so she can't roll it down. Her brown eyes look at my hand before they look at me.
"No." I say again, but before I get another word out I feel a sting on the skin of my hand.
"Ow! You pinched me!"
In the few seconds that I moved my hand back out of shock, Lily had already rolled the window all the way down so that she and Catalina could be face to face. I can't name two people that I want to see argue less than the two of them.
"What did you say?"
Catalina tilts her head back in confusion and raises her eyebrows. "Excuse you?"
"No. Excuse you."
The change in Catalina's face when she realizes that Lily is just as serious as she is isn't subtle. Her eyebrow starts to raise and her head tilts.
"Mind your business. Seriously. I'm not in the mood today."
"Good, me either."
Catalina scoffs. I see her pursed lips and she swallows whatever harsh words that prepared themselves to roll off of her tongue. Instead, she flares at Lily.
"If you hadn't married a horrible person, you wouldn't have to defend one. Take that up with someone else, not me."
"Listen little girl...." Lily speaks hastily in a harsh tone, one that I've only heard her use a number of times. The usual soft look in her eyes is replaced by a chillingly cruel glare. "I don't know what kind of self-reinventing you've done in the past two years, but you're all grown up now and you need to act like it."
"I'm sure he, of all people, doesn't need anyone to protect him." Catalina rolls her eyes at Lily.
"and I'm sure you, of all people, know that."
My eyes widen and my mouth forms an O shape as I inhale sharply. Deciding that they've sad enough and the more the go, the angrier they will get, I attempt to intervene.
"Okay...." I clear my throat. I reach over, having to force Lily's hand off of the window. Catalina's eyes narrow into murderous slits as I roll the window up trying to avoid eye contact.
"That was mean." Lily bats her eyes in shock as her irritations whittles away. "I didn't mean that. Oh my god, should I say sorry?"
"She's not going to forgive you." I shrug. "So, no."
I look at Lily and I start to smile, feeling it take over all the seriousness. The laughter ripples through me unexpectedly when I had thought the only thing I'd be is upset with her for making it a big deal. Lily furrows her eyebrows at me.
"Stop laughing." She crosses her arms.
"She's going to beat you up." I say playfully and she rolls her eyes.
Lily sighs, giving up the frustrated act and starts to smile. "That's why I have you and Alyssa, to protect me." She jokes.
I turn my car off and look in the rearview mirror as Catalina back away before I get out. I feel bad. Then, I feel bad for feeling bad because Lily was only defending me. The only reason I feel bad is because I know that Catalina is only mean to me because it's the only thing she knows how to do. She can't act like everything is fine between us due to the fact that we are a long way from being 'fine'. I still don't feel like I've made up for all my wrongdoings yet, and everyday it eats me alive. Catalina is a constant reminder of it and to her, I'm a constant reminder of the worst part of her life.
"Hurry up and run inside so she can't hit us with her car." Lily facetiously whispers, chucking as she stands besides me on the pavement.
I laugh slightly . "You go in front, I'll watch your back."
CATALINA
I stand by the door in my therapist's office and trace my hands along the patterns of the wall. Having therapy sessions has always been good for me. It allows me to truthfully express myself to someone without feeling ashamed. I have my old therapist from a few years ago; she knows everything already and I won't have to relive my traumas with someone new.
"Remember that mental relapses are common and don't invalidate all of the progress you've made." Olivia mentions as I get ready to open the door.
'Well, it sure feels like it sometimes' is what I want to say to her, but I don't. She's probably right and knowing that comforts me. Even if it feels like it doesn't necessarily mean that's the case. Yet, just the thought of slipping into my olds habits makes me want to have a mental breakdown. My children can't have the person I used to be as a mother. Trying to bury my demons will take up all of my emotional and physical availability, leaving nothing for them--that can't happen.
"Okay. Thank you." I smile at her as I walk out of the room.
I sigh heavily and fix the alignment of my dress shirt as I walk out of the room. I roll my eyes as I walk towards the elevator and see August and Melody leaning against the stairwell next to it. August works here and I come here for therapy often, I've already accepted that I have no choice but to see him. They don't look like two crazy people from a distance, but unfortunately, that isn't the case. I haven't seen Melody in ages, and I didn't plan on it.
I don't like her for an entirely different reason than August. He's done terrible things, but she is just a terrible person.
I press the elevator button with my back facing them as they stop doing whatever they're doing to look at me. Ignoring them is hard when the both of them have their eyes glued to me like I have tissue paper hanging out of my pants or something.
"What!?" Eventually I snap, turning around to glare at them, unsure which one I want to look at.
"Nothing." They say in unison, making me narrow my eyes in suspicion.
I glance at what she's holding and I gasp.
"Is that a picture of my baby!" I snatch the picture out of her hand to examine it.
I stare at the child but in seconds, I realize that it isn't Mahlia. Mahlia has freckles across her nose and overall, it doesn't look like her as much as it did at first glance. I narrow my eyes as I hand her back the picture of the baby.
"I thought that was Mahlia." I explain my hastiness as I awkwardly hand it over to her.
"Well it's not. All newborn babies might look the same, but you're just overreacting."
I roll my eyes as I turn away from her. My first thought was that she's stalking me and the two of them are planning some kind of cruel takedown. How can a person not overreact and think the worst around her and August?
Even after I get away from them and I'm on my way out the door, I can't shake the unsettling feeling that something weird is going on. I have no reason to think so though. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, shaking off all the swarming. I don't mean to act so unhinged, I just want to protect myself in ways that I didn't the first time. That's all.
However, I'm starting to realize more and more everyday that it isn't possible while being surrounded by people from my past.
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Hiii, do you guys like the book so far??