I was good to leave 15 minutes ago but I couldn't make myself call Camila and see her.
I am a coward, I know.
"Good luck", Daisy yells from the stairs before going home. Of course she had asked what had happened and I had to tell her.
"Thanks", I murmur and look at my phone again.
Let's do this, Shawn.
I was fine hours ago, but she came to me and took matters into her own hands and left me feeling lost and confused. I didn't know what she wanted to talk about specifically or how she was going to address it, but prolonging the agony was just going to make it worse.
I take my phone and it rings in my ear two times before I can hear her on the other side.
"I'm done", I say as soon as she picks up.
"With work?", she asks confused.
"Yes, of course", I say. What else could I be done with? Definitely not with her.
"Right", she says. "Meet me outside?"
"Yep, I'm leaving", I reply and we both hang up.
I rub my face with my hands and take a deep breath before actually putting one foot in front of the other. She's waiting for me when I walk outside.
"Hi", Camila says.
"Hi", I reply nervously. Why is she making me so nervous now?
"Do you have your car?", she tilts her head waiting for an answer.
"Um, yeah. Want me to drive?", I say.
"Yes, please", she says softly, like if she was afraid I was going to tell her no and leave her there.
"Where are we going?"
"Home", she answers and for a second I believe she's talking about home but no. She means something else.
"Your place?", I frown. Why are we going there?
"Yes. I need to go there first. We can go somewhere else after I take care of something", she says misteriously and now I'm hooked.
I don't fight her, I don't tell her we can't go there and it's all because I'm too excited and curious to see more about her life here.
I lead the way and we get in my car. This car was the only thing that didn't scream how fucked up I had been the last months. I got it before everything went downhill and my dad, God bless him, helped me with the payment for a while.
Being in a car with her brings back more memories, but I try to push them away. I don't want to embarrass myself in front of her, not today, not now.
"No bike today?", I ask her because the silence is making it worse for me.
"No", she replies but doesn't give away any other piece of information.
Camila gives me directions on where to go to get to her house and, with every mile, I get more and more impressed. This is where she lives? It's not an over the top rich and fancy neighborhood, but definitely not one I couldn't afford anytime soon.
"Right here", she says and I park the car outside a white house with a Mediterranean style.
She gets out on her own and I open my door slowly, not really knowing if she's going to invite me inside or just take care of her business and go.
"Want to come in?", she says opening the door and leaving it like that, not really waiting for a reply.
"Sure", I whispered more to myself than anyone else.
The house is stunning and I'm in awe this is the place she gets to call home. Suddenly, I feel like more of a loser. My place is trash compared to this house.
"This is pretty nice", I manage to say when I join her in the kitchen.
"Thank you", she replies while she opens a cabinet and takes a small bag from inside. "People here really like yoga and fitness so it's a good business".
That makes sense.
"Right", I murmur and almost jump when something brushes my leg.
"That's Oliver", she smiles noticing my reaction.
A cat walks around me, contouring his spine and moving his tail before he loses interest in me and goes to Camila who is serving his plate with food.
"I always pictured you more like a dog person", I say while she caresses his head.
"I still am. But Oliver stole my heart", she says admiring her pet.
"He is cute", I shrug.
She lets go of the tiny feline with golden fur and stands up again to face me.
"So... I just needed to feed him, but uh... we can stay here or go somewhere else", she says.
I don't know what to do, I really don't mind. I didn't have anything in mind before she asked to come here, I was freaking out already.
"Whatever you want", I say.
"Do you want anything? A beer maybe?", she offers and moves to the refigerator. I guess we're staying.
"Yes, thank you", I say although I don't really want one. I just don't know what else to say at the moment.
She has the power now, we're moving through unknown territory here and I'm lost on what to do. Is she going to yell at me, is she going to analyze me, is she going to kick me out of her life?
"There you go", she says and opens one for her as well. She never liked beer that much when we were younger but she takes a sip from the bottle like if it was water.
"So", I start with my heart on my thoat, "what did you want to talk about?"
"I'm sorry about yesterday", she says and it's maybe the first time we have apologized for such a stupid thing.
"You don't need to-", I try to say but she interrups me.
"I do", she clarifies. "I'm not... I'm not the same girl. I told you I don't do that anymore".
"It was just a stupid fight", I try to laugh it off but she isn't amused.
"Exactly", she adds adamant. "And life is too short to waste it on stupid fights".
That phrase hits hard and I go silent for a few seconds. Maybe she's right but I don't think I'm wasting my time with her, not even when it's about stupid fights.
"Look, Shawn", Camila says and fixes her hair behind her ear, letting me smell some of the flowers in her conditioner. "You know me better than anyone else in this town. I never thought we were going to run into each other here out of all places, but I'm happy we did. Shouldn't we make the most of this opportunity?"
She has matured a lot, that's for sure. I never really heard her speak so calmly before and everything she's saying makes sense. I can't argue back, even if it was just to annoy her.
"Alright... yes", I say.
I wasn't planning on walking away just because we had had an argument yesterday, that would be nuts, but if she needs to do this and hear me agree with her then I'm doing it.
"Great", she smiles.
Now, what does she mean by making the most of this opportunity? Are we talking about going back to old habits too? My heart starts racing again and I know it's lame because she hasn't said anything about that.
"And for the record", she starts to say. "Kai isn't my boyfriend, I didn't lie about that. It's complicated, you know. I just don't want anything... serious... with anyone".
"Sure", I can't help but feel a bit disappointed about that last words but I make an effort to hide it from her. "And I know it's not my business, so I'm sorry I brought it out so rudely yesterday".
I wasn't used to apologizing to her for this kind of stuff but it feels good, maybe she was up to something. It makes me think how we should've been this honest with each other from the start and I should've told her that I loved her back then, that I was in love with her 5 years ago. I wouldn't be carrying this weight on my shoulders and this sorrow in my heart now.
"So that girl I saw you with today... Is that someone special? Was that a date?", she asks me and I almost laugh at her questions.
"No, nothing like that. We barely know each other, we just went for lunch after I did well on a project", I explain.
"Yeah? What project?"
"A song, a very sad one", I finally take a sip from my beer.
"Do you have it? Can I listen to it?", she pleads.
"Uhm no, sorry. I don't have it here", I lie. I can't, I just can't...
"That's fine", she says and changes the topic. "I'm having dinner with friends here this Friday. Would you like to come? It's good to meet new people".
Do I want to? I don't know, meeting new people doesn't sound appealing to me but I'll always be a sucker for spending time with her. She looks at me with hopeful eyes and I would do anything for those eyes, so I give in.
"Ok", I sigh. "What time?"
"8 is fine", she smiles again.
And that smile...