When the doorbell rang, Jonah hopped up from the couch to answer it since Astrid upstairs making up piles of crap to get thrown out before the move. The closer the day came to leaving, the more sentimental Jonah found himself becoming over every little thing in that house. So he left it up to Astrid to decide what came with them, and what could be discarded.
The woman standing on the other side of the threshold was just about the last person he'd expected to see, but Jonah kept his poker face on and leaned against the opening. "What do you want, Rachel?"
Rachel took a second glance at the house number beside the door before she stuck her head in to look behind him. "I asked Scott for Astrid's address."
Yet he apparently failed to mention the rest of the story behind it. "And you found it, so I repeat, what the hell do you want?"
Rachel straightened her stance and crossed her arms. "I want to speak to my daughter."
Jonah's first instinct was to shut the door in Rachel's face, but unfortunately it wasn't his call. "About what?"
Her lips twitched into a half-hearted smile. "That's really none of your concern, is it?"
"She's my concern," Jonah fired back.
A silence passed between them for a few beats before all trace of smile was gone. "This isn't just Astrid's home, is it?"
Jonah was used to looks far worse than the one she was giving him when it came to his relationship with Astrid, and Rachel's opinion on it was completely irrelevant, which was a nice change of pace. Yes, she was technically her mother, but she wasn't a mom or a parent. "You can be judgmental if you want to, but know that I'm going to throw it right back at you, and I won't be holding back."
The lips that formally held a trace of a smile pressed into a fine line before Rachel looked down at the cement beneath her shoes. "I'd like to speak to my daughter, please, if she's willing to listen."
There was nothing Jonah wouldn't do for Astrid, including chasing this woman three states away or giving up his life to protect her. But the little girl he grew up loving was now a woman he was deeply in love with, and who was old enough to fight her own battles.
As much as Jonah would love to play her knight in shining armor forever, Astrid was a stronger person than him, and she needed a partner more than she needed a savior. So Jonah stepped aside, and allowed Rachel to walk into the house. "I'll go get her."
He took his sweet ass time walking up the steps, sparing Rachel one last glance as she walked into the living room and began looking at the photos on the wall. He also took his sweet ass time walking down the hall, but it didn't take him long to find her stepping between two piles of crap in the guest bedroom.
"How does a single guy accumulate so much junk?" She asked without looking up as she continued to navigate around the piles. But Astrid didn't wait for his reply. "Who was at the door?"
"Your mother," Jonah answered quickly. "She's downstairs waiting for you. Says she wants to talk."
Astrid's eyes shot over at him, going wide at the mention of Rachel. "I look like hell right now."
A laugh passed through his lips, but it was a sad thought that Astrid still wanted to impress a woman who'd barely given her a second thought. "Sweetheart, you couldn't look like hell if you tried," he assured her before extending out his hand for her to take. "If you don't want to talk to her, that's fine. If you do, I'll be right there with you every step of the way."
Astrid gnawed at her bottom lip, then wiped the dust off her t-shirt. "I'll talk to her, I'm just not sure how much more there's left to say."
More than either of them let on, Jonah guessed. Astrid hadn't spoken much at the restaurant, and Rachel hadn't said all that much either. They both said the bare minimum, and Jonah knew there was much more lurking in the background that at least Astrid would need to let out so she could finally move on.
Astrid took his hand and stepped over the pile on the floor, giving him one last long look before going downstairs in silence.
Once he reached the second to last step, Jonah took a seat; far enough to give them a sense of privacy, but close enough to listen in and know if he was needed.
Rachel was standing by the window when Astrid sat on the couch, staring at her lap rather than in her mother's direction.
"My parents weren't wealthy, but my mother's parents were," Rachel began. "They felt like they'd failed with my mother, because she married below her means, and were determined not to fail with me. They sent me to an all girl boarding school, kept me busy with summer camps and volunteer work every summer, had me do debutant balls. The works. As a teenager, I never had a boyfriend, went out on a date, or even had a kiss. I was so sheltered because my grandparents feared that if they let me out into the world, I'd rebel.
"Because they gave my parents the start-up money for their grocery store, they felt they didn't have the right to intervene, not even when I was sent to a private college nearby. My first year back from college, they allowed me to work at my parents grocery store. That was when I met your father. I don't know if it was real love, or if I'd just been sheltered so much that when I fell, I fell too hard and too quickly. But make no mistake, I was crazy about that man. He was so different than anyone I'd ever met. He was real and genuine, and so handsome in that rustic sort of way.
"When I had to go back to college, it broke my heart. He snuck up to see me a few months in, and we had this romantic weekend that left me pregnant by the end of it. I cared for your father more than anything, but I married him because me and my parents would be completely disowned if I didn't. My grandparents intended on grooming him, making him more presentable to their world.
"I was terrified, Astrid. I went from being a child in pretty much every way, to expecting a child of my own, and even though my parents were supportive, and your father was excited, I couldn't bring myself to be happy about it. I thought the happiness would come the first time I held you in my arms, but I just ended up feeling empty. That wasn't your fault, Astrid. You were a great baby, and the life I led with your father was a good one, but emotionally I just wasn't ready to be a parent or to live that life."
Jonah's eyes remained on Rachel until the very end, looking for some sign of bullshit where there was none to be found. Her eyes were glossy, her body had a slight tremble, and the light blush she had tinting her skin when she arrived was gone.
When his eyes moved toward Astrid, he noticed she still wasn't looking up at the woman who'd given birth to her. "So you left," Astrid guessed.
Rachel nodded. "Eventually, yes. I kept trying. For four years, I was hoping something in my brain would click and I'd suddenly feel like a mother, and be able to become a proper one, but for those four years, I ended up feeling like I was on pause while the rest of my life kept going on. I was stuck. I was jealous of everyone who was able to have this connection with you and make you smile, jealous of your father loving you more than he loved me, and angry at myself for living this life I couldn't breathe in.
"I realized everyone would be better off if I left, be able to start a real family without me weighing them down, so I left. It wasn't that you weren't worth loving, Astrid, it was that I was living a life I wasn't ready for, with a child I stupidly blamed for my own mistakes. That wasn't your fault, it was mine. I erased you from my history, because I was ashamed of the person I was, and I was scared to face you because doing that meant having to face the person I used to be."
Jonah hadn't really thought about it for years, but Rachel really had been like a child in so many ways when he first met her, and even still at the time she'd left. He'd experienced quite a bit by that time, but she'd experienced virtually nothing. She'd gone from being trapped in one cage, to becoming trapped in another.
He wondered how differently Astrid would have turned out if Rachel had stuck around. For so long, he blamed her for ditching her and Scott, but what if she'd stayed? What if Astrid had grown up living in a house with a mother who couldn't or wouldn't bond with her? He doubted she would have turned out the same vibrant, loving woman she was today. Something like that would have weighed her down so much more than abandonment had.
"Do you want me to forgive you?" Astrid asked.
"I've hardly earned that. If you do decide to forgive me, it should be for your own benefit, not my own. I came here with no expectations, Astrid. I only wanted you to hear my side. I'm not saying what I did was right or wrong, but it was a choice I made because it felt best for everyone, including you."
Astrid nodded slow, then picked herself off the couch and walked over to him. "I'm going to sleep," she told Jonah.
He gave her a soft kiss on the lips, then watched her walk back up the stairs. By the time she disappeared from his view, Rachel was standing at the door. "I'd say, 'take care of her', but I know you will."