ROCKET
Four taps means I wish we were safe here.
Four taps we hadn't figured out how to use until playoffs. The first time I used four taps was the morning after the team tossed our razors and got ready for the first few games. I like him, probably too much, with that scrappy little five o'clock anti-shadow dusting of hair on his chin and I used four taps to tell him he looked good in the locker room. Just four taps of my stick on the floor. What made it worth it, because I didn't think four taps was worth it, was when he tapped back. It was his idea at first, I thought we were good with yes, no, and three for a question. He wanted another so I went with it, not really sure why he would want the fourth but I was willing to learn what he means with it.
Four taps means I wish I could love you here. At some points, it's a stand in for a hug and a kiss, sometimes it's a stand in for a couple of reassuring words, sometimes it's just a stand in for emotional support we can't give each other in the moment.
I pat his back four times after he scores a game winning goal in Chicago. He pats my helmet four times after I make a record book save. I tap the ground four times from across the locker room as we secure the third win in the series, meaning we only need one more in Chicago.
After the next loss I tap him four times on the shoulder on his way into the locker room and he taps his stick four times on my shinpad.
After the Chicago series win we have a series win hug, one of the best types of hockey hugs, because we were moving on to the next round. He slapped my back four times and I rattled his cage in return.
During the short break between the Chicago series and the Wild series, four taps sort of disappeared again. We had five days of eerie lull practice getting ready for the next slog of playoff games. We only used yes, no, and a question tap during that time. We didn't feel the need to do four except in three situations.
Four taps after I beat him at ping pong on day four of the lull time during one of our frequent ping pong get-togethers.
Four taps over a quiet dinner table because we were both too exhausted to say much to each other.
Four taps after I took a ringer to the wrist on the first day and was diagnosed pretty quick with a glove side sprain. Not good for a playoff headed goaltender. That night I showed up to his apartment. We hadn't been planning on spending time together that night, mostly because we work with each other all day every day and sometimes we need alone time, but I was in the middle of a panic attack.
I had tried my damn hardest to limit my outside stimulus because I was far past overwhelmed by goddamn everything. I clicked the door shut and the noise sounded so loud that I yelped a little. The heating was too loud and I kept tripping on little things. I really tried to solve it. I even turned off all the lights, but everything was moving too fast in my head and I was starting to freak out and get restless all the way down to having my tics show up again.
I know how to handle those. I know that getting up and taking a cold shower is one of the best ways to do that, going on a run also helps, but I was already exhausted.
In a lapse of judgement, I got in the car. Håkon is in no way equipped to handle someone else's mental struggle and I didn't ask him if he was okay with me coming over in that type of state which is always important to ask because sometimes the other person isn't going to be able to handle it.
I didn't really think about that. I just parked behind his car and tried not to focus on the way my feet were making horrible crunching noises in the snow and how suddenly the scuff on the front of my shoe was driving me absolutely insane and how there was paint chipping off the house and how there were a hundred million things coming at me at the speed of light and how the sprained wrist was very much a bad thing for everything I was about to do in any situation I was about to get into.
I scared the living shit out of him upon my entry. He was mostly asleep but trying to watch an old Detroit vs Minnesota game to study up for the upcoming playoff series.
I have my own key now, so I had used that to get in, I got my shoes off and then walked through his house to the back room where I could hear the TV so my half out of it brain decided that that was where he must be.
And then I stood behind him like a creepy gigantic toddler about to tell him I threw up. Luckily I hadn't and after a few moments I tried to put my hand on his shoulder, making him wake up abruptly and whip around, stifling a scream. I just stood there like an absolute idiot. He registered the whole situation in a split second and then frowned saying something along the lines of: "oh, you don't look good, what's going on? Are you sick? Do you need me to do something? I can make you tea if you want."
I didn't respond with much other than taking a step around the couch and then putting my knee on the cushion and easing myself down into his lap, curling up. He sat there for a split second, still not sure what was going on before wrapping his arms around my back and saying something like: "are you okay? Buddy I'm going to need you to talk to me. I don't know what's going on." and I replied. "Overwhelmed. Just needed you."
I found that the overwhelming feeling of everything that was happening beforehand and the sweating and racing heart all sort of faded if I just set my head on his chest and listened to his heart beat in his chest and felt the soft pull of breath.
I'm not saying he's going to be some sort of magic panic attack fix, but for that night, he worked incredibly well.
***
A sweep is when a team loses four games in a row out of a seven game series and gets sent home. We didn't sweep them and they didn't sweep us but it sure as hell felt like it.
We won one, then lost four. It would've been better if we had just been swept. It would've felt better if we knew we didn't have a chance, but we even won a game and then just dropped the ball on the rest.
We're not even really sure what happened. We beat them 3-0 in the first game. A shut out. It was looking like we had it easy with it. We felt good, we played good, it was fantastic. Then we ate shit in game two, then game three, then four and in game five we lost 3-0. All the way back around.
Everyone was pretty subdued for the day after that. One more practice before releasing us for the summer.
Steph came in, playoff beard already shaved off because we lost, but also because I know he hates playoff beards and his almost utter lack of one.
I trimmed mine all the way down to what I had during the summer. Gage's returned to the same goatee he had most of the season. Fen's was trimmed most of the way down like mine. Greenie's was gone. Ukkovskky's was gone. Langley's was gone.
The only person that still had theirs during that practice, mostly untouched, was Håkon. He took some off his neck and cheeks the night before but his stayed. He knows I like it and I think he does too. It's a beautiful thing on him.
We were exhausted, we barely had time to say hello to each other upon arriving back to one of our homes every night. We don't allow ourselves to sleep together at hotels on the road, but it was the only thing keeping us going on home games. I fought my way through every in-between practice and every game knowing that I'd be able to eat and then go home and curl up with him and we'd make each other feel safe and okay again with soft gentle touches and little kisses as we dozed off.
Four taps means I'm sorry. Four taps means I wish I could say the right thing. Four taps means you're my safety right now. Four taps means later. Four taps means I wish I could love you here.
***
Fen proposed one last ping pong night for the group of us. He knew that he was leaving with Nico as soon as the playoffs ended so she can head to Olympic training in Colorado. He knew that Håkon and I were heading to Sweden only four days after they ended, scheduled as soon as possible because he wanted to be there for Isa while in the last few days of planning and I wanted to meet everyone before I had to attend a wedding where they were all around.
Fen knew that Greenie and Jackie were headed out pretty soon too to visit his family and get some sun in Arizona.
I feel bad for Steph. He's stuck here, his surgery bumped up as soon as possible once he finished playoffs so that's next week. Then he's headed home for a week or so, out of favor for Jilly, not his own personal want. He gets his summer vacation in August, with August. Once his knee is healed and once they know whether or not it's going to stick.
So Håkon and I put on our shoes and drove together for the first time all the way back to the Bauer practice center on the upper north side of Regina. It might be mid may but the city is still not warm enough for shorts. Hence his coat and my Firebirds jacket.
"Hey guys," I shoulder open the door to Fen and Nico playing a rather subdued game of ping pong, not zinging it at each other like normal.
"Hey Rocket, Yets," Fen responds without looking up.
"Hey," Steph says from the kitchen before taking the hand that was reaching for a root beer in his own and giving August's knuckles a short kiss, then passing her the soda.
"That was so fucking smooth." I mutter to Håkon.
He ruffles my hair. "Want me to do that the next time I'm passing you the salad dressing at dinner?" His voice comes out soft, making sure nobody can really hear it.
"Yes," I answer, honest to God.
"I'll keep it in mind."
The door creaks open behind us, Paxton and Jorgen closing out the group. I've seen Jorgen at a couple of these, but he's a little on the fringe of our group, being the EMT not a player.
"Hey Jorgen," Steph speaks up. "I keep forgetting to ask, are you headed anywhere? The rest of these guys are all leaving and I'm wondering if the rinks are going to be completely empty or not."
Jorgen sighs. "Yeah, I'll be gone for a week, leaving early tomorrow morning. My parents are in Chicago and I visit for the first week of summer. After that I'm back but I'm not going to be at the rink."
"What are you doing instead? Vacation plans? Summer courses?" Greenie pipes up from the couch.
"Uh, no, I work for Regina Fire and EMS during the summer. It's fun to pick up fieldwork while not messing around with you guys." He shrugs. "I used to work for Chicago EMS and did that during my first summer but those are all permanent positions and Regina has temporary spots that are almost always open and at this point they've basically reserved one for me during the summers." He yawns. "Just a time filler."
We all kinda stare at him, impressed. "I seriously still have no idea how you can do that," Steph chuckles. "Too much gore for my taste."
Jorgen just nods. "It's my job and I found pretty quickly that being in an emergency setting kinda shuts off your personal response. I can't handle heavy movie gore but I've seen a lot worse first person, it's just different responses."
Steph shakes his head. "Nope."
Håkon appears back at my side, nudging my hand with a sprite. I take the cold aluminum can, condensation collecting on my fingertips.
He taps my wrist four times, then heads off somewhere, I assume the bathroom.
"Why in god's name are you watching playoffs, Greenbean." Fenrir's voice splits my dazed focus.
"I just wanted to check-" Greenie raises his hands. "I know, I know, we're trying to have a good time, but I just wanted to see what was going on with all of it."
"I'll play you in Mario Kart if you want." I pop the tab of the soda and sit down on one end of the couch.
"Sure," he shrugs, grabbing one of the remotes. I idle for a couple of moments, sipping on my soda which seems a little too bubbly for normal.
I beat Greenie's ass repeatedly while Fen and Nico trade off with Jorgen and Håkon for ping pong and Steph and August talk softly with Paxton. Jackie, per usual, is off in the corner studying and writing for a final she's taking tomorrow morning. She just likes our energy in the room.
Paxton coerces me into a round of doubles ping pong where he bullies Steph into being his partner. Håkon's hand lands on my hip more than once through the whole thing and I feel comfortable getting a little touchy with him as well. The two guys in front of us know and they don't care. Everyone else has settled into Mario Kart. August has only come to a few of these and still has no idea how to handle Mario Kart on a Wii remote because she plays with her brothers on an xbox. Håkon and I finally manage to beat Paxton and Steph after a good 20 minute battle and then I get cornered by Paxton.
"Buddy I gotta talk to you." He says.
I frown. "What?"
"Just c'mere, I'm not gonna kill ya, Stojey." It's been a while since anyone's called me Stojey but it sounds just the same. Stowey, an H instead of the J.
"Sure." I trail him and he pulls me to the hallway. "What is it? Did I fuck up something? Some afterthought about playoffs?"
He shakes his head, leaning against the opposite wall. "I guess I've been meaning to talk to you for a while about him, mostly because I've known him for so long on the team and this is gonna come off as a lot from me, so are you sure you're okay with hearing it?"
I frown. "You're freaking me out a little bit but sure, hit me."
Paxton takes a deep breath. "So I guess we're going to head this with, one, I'm pansexual, I don't care a lot of the times while dating and I've dated all over the place."
My mouth drops open just a little bit before I can smack it back shut again. "Uh, okay, good to know, yeah."
"I was drafted in the same year as Håks, you know that, I was third overall and he was 35th. We were both brought up in the same year while everyone else in this hellhole was twenty eight or older which meant that we only really had each other. That, yeah,"
I frown. "Did you and him..."
Paxton lets out a burst of laughter. "No, no, god no. I would've if he had offered, and I'm only saying that because I feel the need to be as straightforward with you as possible to avoid any bad dynamics and arguments. I don't wanna be the touchy subject in your relationship."
I nod slowly. "I appreciate the effort."
"So yeah, I liked him, sure, but he was beyond weird at that point, you know, hyper religious, wouldn't let me watch movies with any gay characters, he was just off. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that he's visibly doing a lot better than he ever has been and I wanna thank you for being the one that helped him through that." Paxton isn't looking at me, which is weird because he's normally incredibly intimidating with constant eye contact. "Håkon's been with me since the start out here and he's saved my ass repeatedly. I don't think he really considers me a friend but he's insanely defensive like that so I don't expect him to."
I'm trying not to tear up at that, I'll have to punch him in the stomach and tell him that Paxton considers him more of a friend that he considers Paxton in return.
"So I guess what I really needed to get to with all this is a thank you. He's still Håkon but he's more relaxed than I've ever seen him."
I realize the conversation has kinda come to an end. "Aw c'mon this deserves a hug." I say after Paxton shies back from my arms.
He chuckles under his breath and throws an arm over my shoulder, patting me on the back. At first my brain translates it to ?? and then I realize he doesn't know anything about the system and wasn't trying to communicate anything.
"And Rocket?" He pulls back. "I know you've spent the whole season working on him, but I think you've missed how far you've come too."
"Huh?" I stare at him, bewildered. "No, no, come back here, are you some sort of fucking demon? Can you like read people's emotions?"
He shakes his head. "Only in a human amount."
"That's not an explanation, skillet boy." I snip at him.
He turns around, hand on the door. "Did you just make a pan joke at me?"
"Yes."
"Keep it down reverse bi-curious."
My jaw drops. "How the fuck do you know that."
He winks, then slips inside the breakroom again, leaving me standing in the hallway wondering how in god's name he figured out that I'm gay but kinda also into girls like once in a blue moon.
I decide to suck it up and head back in. Håkon looks up at me from his spot on the couch, eyebrows dipping in confusion. I shrug back at him and head over to the kitchen to recycle my sprite can.
Håkon stands up off the couch, handing his remote to Paxy who nods over at me in my peripherals.
Then he's next to me, all the way across the room in four strides.
"Hey," I look over at him, grabbing a glass for water because sprite isn't exactly hydrating.
"If you don't mind me asking-" He glances at the door, then tips his head back at Paxy.
"Just a couple little things he had thought of. I dunno." I shrug, taking a sip.
"Uh, another thing." He chews the inside of his cheek. "Are we telling them now? I feel like this feels like that's where this is going."
I pull in a breath, making sure nobody is looking at us. They aren't. "How are we gonna just say that out of the blue." I take a step closer to him, making sure my voice is down. "I guess I could talk for us but I don't know how to make it not awkward."
He reaches up and runs his fingers through the side of his beard. "I don't know either, Milo, you could probably just blurt it out. They all know about you already, what's me too?"
I sigh, then set my hand on his on the counter, he taps the counter twice to tell me that's okay. "You coming out is one thing but then stacking that immediately with 'oh yeah we're dating' is something else."
He shakes his head. "Unless it's crossing one of your boundaries I'm completely comfortable with telling them right now."
I puff out my cheeks. "But are you going to regret it?"
"No."
I nod. "Alright, then." Then I tap his hand three times. He taps back twice, a little frown on his face, trying to figure out what I'm going to do. I hook a finger in the collar of his shirt and tap three times again as quickly as I can. He's tapping twice before I can finish.
It's the shortest damn kiss of a lifetime because we're basically in front of like 8 people that don't know and we're still scared about it. That was a moral support kiss.
"Woah, hold on," nevermind.
My head snaps to the side, Fen waves in our direction, an expression on his face that's telling me this is processing this at snailpace.
He opens his mouth again. "Stop, rewind, what?"
Håkon lets out a tight breath. "Surprise?"
Nico bursts out laughing. "Thank fuck, I thought Steph, Paxy and I would have to take that to our graves."
"You knew? Nico!" Fen whips around to his girlfriend. "How am I missing so much stuff around here all of a sudden? Oh god I'm off the ball."
Steph raises his hand at me, giving me a little thumbs up before dropping it back around August's shoulders.
"You know it does make a ton of sense, I mean, I knew Rocket was gay but I've never seen Yeti so much as take interest in a girl so I guess I'm just thicker than a brick wall." Greenie mumbles. Jackie chuckles from next to him, a soft 'yes, dear, you are' emitting from her usually very quiet appearance.
Håkon looks around the rest of them, Jorgen nods at us in a simple 'I'm way too cool to be here' respect type of motion. He's generally right to feel like he's way too cool to be here in the first place. This is the least cool group of NHL players ever, I love them dearly, but we're dorks. Jorgen is... we're not sure. Nobody really knows but he's hot and like middle eastern or something even though he's Bernie's nephew and Bernie is definitely very much pale. Anyway he's hot and has tattoos and I've seen him in this old studded leather jacket like once and I can literally tell you face to face right now that he is now what 14 year old me desperately wanted to become: probably in the punk scene for at least a few years, cool as fuck, completely unphased by literally anything, get's whatever bitch he wants without even asking.
Anyway.
"So how long has that been going on?" Fenrir asks, still completely awed.
"Mar-" Håkon cuts me off.
"Christmastime."
I tap three times on his hand and he taps back twice. I tap three times again trying to get a nice urgent excuse me when did we decide that across. He taps back twice. Yes? Håkon you bastard.
"That fucking long?" Fenrir groans. "How did I manage to miss that?"
"Okay, to be fair, we've only been like dating dating since mid-March, but it's been on the to-do list since Christmas." I frown. "We've been together kinda the whole time but not like dating dating until- I dunno."
Håkon shrugs. "We had things to figure out beforehand."
"Alright, uh," Fen drags a hand through his hair. "That's an interesting way to wrap up the season. How are you guys managing that around the media stuff? I hate to be a shitty captain but if that gets out you're fucked fucked. Like, fucked fucked."
Håkon sighs. "We know. It's, yeah. We're taking it minute by minute. I don't know about him but if it got out I'd be willing to retire early to stay with him if worst came to worst."
My mouth goes dry and I look over at him. "I'm in the same boat, I'd rather step down than get back into the closet or be constantly in danger while staying playing. I love hockey but I physically don't think I could've lasted another year only being out to my mom and Steph. You guys are great but if it gets out to the league and things go in any other way than the best case scenario, I'm done."
Fen sighs. "I hate that it's gotta be like that but, I get where that's coming from."
Håkon taps my hand three times and I beat him to the chase, leaning back against his chest.
Four taps means I love you.
I just can't say it yet.
***
okay, that's the intro intro and now we're into the swing of thigns
next chapter will hopefully be on wednesday but this week i'm getting initial responses from colleges on admissions so it might get knocked back to friday but it'll be up by the end of the week
-rabid