"I start to see that I surround myself with broken people; more broken than me. Ah, yes, let me count your cracks. Let's see, one hundred, two... yes, you'll do nicely. A cracked companion makes me look more whole, gives me something outside myself to care for. When I'm with whole, healed people I feel my own cracks, the shatters, the insanities of dislocation in myself."
― Julie Gregory
Sillily is an actual word and that makes me happy.
chapter 5
Jazz fucked up.
He honestly thinks that he made the celestial mad at him and it hurts.
After finding out he was allergic to the pomegranate smoothie-- pomegranates of all things!-- he not only dragged Cas back to their apartment and made him take the EpiPen in front of him to ensure he actually did it, then made Viv call Ahmik, who was a med student, to double-check that he was okay.
The weirdo let Ahmik into the dorm and he went towards the celestial, asking questions about how he felt and practically gave a 'what can you do' shrug at the fact that Jazz was a bit protective over someone who was now admittedly fine.
His roommate looked sour as he was checked on, staying silent as Mik and Viv became a chaotic swirl of flirting and worry and a weird conversation about dragons, their colors mixing well but becoming loud.
Jazz was already so overwhelmed, his panic attack still alive and kicking and so not helped by the almost-could've-had-a-dead-roommate experience. He wants the feelings to go away, his whole body is buzzing with it and all of the colors and sounds just feel so wrong.
And he's looking at Cas, seeing how silent the celestial is, seeing how he hasn't tried to talk to the musician once, and that felt wrong too.
He was mad.
He had to be.
Back in high school, with some friends that aren't his friends anymore, when someone got mad at him, the whole friend group would give him the silent treatment until he made it up to them.
But once he did, once they were talking, they'd yell too.
Sometimes they'd hit him.
And he knows that that was wrong. He knows that it was toxic. He knows that real friends-- friends like Viv and Mik-- don't treat each other like that.
But the broken part of him, the one sneering inside of his mind says, "You deserve it. You deserve to feel like this." and Jazz ends up believing it.
Ends up agreeing.
Once someone is told something over and over and over again, it becomes ingrained into them. Part of them. Part of what hurts, part of what keeps them up so late, part of what makes him too much.
So he's scared.
He's scared because Cas seems like an amazing, kind person. He seems like someone Jazz would like to know for a long time. He seems like a safe choice of who he'd hand his heart over to.
But what if he's like those friends?
What if he can't control his anger?
What if Jazz fucks up too much, more than just this time, and that anger becomes more deserved, more defined into realization that the celestial no longer wanted to be around him?
That was a big part of the musician's anxiety, feeling like no one wants him and that he bothers everyone, that eventually they all leave if given the chance.
Is it selfish, then, to not want to give them the chance?
"Jasper?" Cas calls him, making Jazz almost want to run away-- he's a runner, not a fighter, he runs and freezes and when he's scared he just takes it because fighting would turn him into the person everyone else likes to claim him to be-- but he doesn't, only looks at the celestial with a frown. "C'mon."
Then he follows Cas into the kitchen away from everyone else, him moving to sit on the counter while the musician stays standing.
Jazz's heart pounds.
Is he going to get yelled at? Scolded?
What is he going to do?
"Jitterbug," The celestial says, often softly, his tics seeming more active than usual and it only makes his panic worse because he knows he's just stressing out Cas. "What's got you so nervous?"
The nickname makes him relax slightly, because no one ever calls him his nickname when they're mad, but not all the way.
Because he knows that he overreacted earlier.
He knows he got into his overprotective, kinda controlling mode. He knows that he had no right to act like that once Cas was safe and he definitely could've handled the situation better even before he pulled the celestial over his shoulder.
He knows he could've, simply, been better, too.
And he's worried, so worried he made him upset. He doesn't like it at all when people are upset with him. His heart-- the gentle one he got from his Papa-- can't handle that.
But that anger he has? How he completely just... did what he did?
It was uncalled for, and unfair to manhandle Cas like that.
It was unfair.
He's probably scared of the musician now-- which doesn't make sense. Because why, then, call him that nickname? Why be nice? Why ask to talk? Why, when he was so silent, seemed so uneasy around Jazz earlier?
"Well u-um," Jazz shuffles on his feet, the stress on his shoulders making him shrink in on himself even more. Glancing up into gray eyes for only a second before glancing away, he feels the anxiety make tears form in his eyes. "I just, I j-just really don't-- I really don't want you to be mad at me." He presses his palms into his eyes, trying really hard not to cry as he squeezes them shut. "A-and, and I know t-that I crossed a line earlier but I was so worried. I didn't m-mean to make you mad, Cas, I promise."
"Hey, hey," The celestial sounds kinda frantic and there's a slight thunk but Jazz doesn't dare look at him cause then he'd honestly break into sobs from pure anxiety alone but then-- then arms are wrapping around him the best they can and into a hug. "It's alright. I'm not mad, literally not- -mother duckling- -at all, I don't think," He squeaks, then squeaks again a couple words later. "That you did anything wrong. Please, just look at me okay?"
Jazz takes a shaky breath in, feeling the way his shoulders were shaking slightly.
Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.
"I don't w-want to cry." He tells him. "I don't know, I don't-- are y-you really not mad?"
"Hey," Cas says again softly, hands coming up to gently pull his hands away from his eyes, not seeming to mind the way Jazz's whole body seemed to shake with a small, silent sob as their eyes met. They were gray but the feeling they gave the musician-- that was pure green. "I'm not mad, not at-- mother ducking!-- all. It's okay to cry, yeah? I can tell you have a lot of anxiety."
Jazz nods, bending down and resting his forehead against the celestial's shoulder, his arms coming around his waist as holding him soft enough to ensure he wouldn't hurt him.
The musician's entire body seemed to engulf Cas' against it, which was a bit of a comfort. Hugs, cuddles, head pats-- just physical affection made him feel better in general but hugs were the best.
"Thank you," Jazz told him, trying to get his shaking hands under control. "You d-didn't have to do this-- comfort me when, when I was the one who messed up."
"You didn't--" Cas growls, his own arms shooting out to the side in a tic before hugging him back. "--mess up. You were just scared for me?"
"Yeah," He sniffles. "Cause you were a baby bit of a dummy and drank that stupid smoothie."
"I was a complete dumbass," Cas argues, squeaking. "Not just a baby bit of a dummy. Stop being so nice. Sometimes, being mean is better." He moves back from the hug slightly and looks at the musician then, as if to say, 'You're too nice.'
Which, of course, makes Jazz pout not only from what he said but also the loss of contact. Confusingly, the celestial pulls away from him then completely and looks away-- making his pout deepen into a frown.
"Cas," Jazz's voice was a soft whine, hand coming up to his side again, eyes not looking away but flushing again slightly. "Can I, um... just have another hug, please?"
Ticing, Cas raises onto his toes-- which Jazz instantly find so fucking adorable-- and gives him a hug without even a reply. Which, basically, is his version of a reply and the musician gets another hug so like, either way he's happy.
"Do you always hug so loose?" The celestial grumbles, seafoam and chartreuse of an odd mix of annoyance and happiness mixing together. "You're the perfect height to give anyone a hug, good hugs and that's how you use that power?"
His expression is one of contemplation as he takes the musician's hands and wraps them around himself how he pleases, their bodies pressed closer together, warmth seeping between them and surrounding Jazz's heart in rose leaves and sunflowers.
Jazz can't help it, he forgets his fear, he forgets how he had accidentally hurt someone before with his strength, and melts into the celestial-- gripping onto his waist tighter, head buried into his neck as he gets a very good, tight hug.
"Was that so-" Cas growls, a grin to his voice. "-hard?"
"Hm, nope." He hums, snuggling into him even further, eyes closing as he just enjoys the warmth and the fact that he can hold his crush and not worry for the moment. "Just didn't want to hurt you."
"I'm not that fragile," He grumbles back.
Slightly confused, Jazz huffs out a breath, "I know that, you're hella strong. But like... also a little tiny. Compared to me! Not like regular-tiny! And I've hurt someone before, on accident when I didn't know my own strength. I don't wanna do that to you."
"Well," Cas says, head hitting the musician's in a tic and making the larger man giggle. "Do you know your own strength by now?"
"Yes, sir," Jazz says sillily, a slight giggle still in his voice. He's comfortable again, happy that the celestial wasn't mad at him and that he was getting a hug. "I know my own strength by now-- physically, anyway." As emphasis, he flexes his arms around his waist, earning himself a squeak of rose leaves.
"Well, I'm glad you know," He tells him. "Because now you know you don't have to be scared to touch me."
"Oh," The musician blinks, eyelashes brushing against his neck. "Yeah, I guess I don't." But there's also so much to be scared about in regards to the celestial. "Wait, does this mean I can get more hugs?"
Cas snorts and pats his head, "Of course."
"Yay!"
Success!
Who wouldn't like free hugs from their crush whenever they can get them? Crazy people. Viv! Viv freaks out at hugs sometimes. And she's crazy, so makes sense.
As if she could read minds, the weirdo startles both of them by speaks, "You guys are so cute right now! Aw, wait, stay there, I want a photo!"
"Wait, Viv," Jazz straightens, shouting after his best friend when she disappears into a different room. "You can't just try to take pictures of people unless it's okay with them! You didn't even ask Cas!"
"Suck a dick!" She yells back.
"I would but you're a cock blocker," He snaps in reply-- always bickering like this with his best friend-- causing Cas to make a choking noise. His eyes snap down to the celestial before they widen and he flushes bright red, scrambling to fix his mistake, "I wasn't being serious! I'm sorry, I promise I wasn't expecting anything just b-because you were nice to me or, or anything! I wasn't insinuating it or, um..." He pulls away from the hug, feeling so very awkward and rubs the back of his neck. "Sorry."
Cas pats his chest, making his heart pound all that faster, "As long as we're on the same page that it would be my dick getting sucked."
Um, yes, please?
"Got it!" Viv says excitedly before walking in and scowling at them-- and stopping Jazz from saying something potentially very stupid. "You're not cute anymore?"
Never was, Jazz thinks, then flushes as Cas smirks and looks him up and down before saying, "I thought you two just decided that cute wasn't the objective here."
The celestial was always cute-- but also incredibly hot-- so if it was the objective only the musician would be failing,
"I shouldn't be surprised," Viv smirks back. Oh no, there's two of them. "Our first real conversation was about banging God, after all."
"What did I just walk in on?" Ahmik comes into the kitchen as well, his song just intense and as loud as ever and it makes Jazz tense slightly, a hopefully unnoticeable wince to go through him.
"Just a lil' conversation of fucking God with the Awesome Roommate," The weirdo replies. "Do you guys wanna join in?"
"I'm not into that shit," The grouchy man just sighed out, leaning against the counter next to Viv. "But like, go for it."
"See, you're gonna go to hell for that." She points at him. "Cause God needs more fuck buddies. Oh! What about you, J?"
"Two bottoms don't mix," Jazz grumbles out, going to stand closer to a seemingly protective Cas-- his pine and sea green mixing together and practically covering the musician-- so that Ahmik's overwhelming song doesn't make him have a migraine.
He liked hanging out with his friends and just Ahmik in general, he was a cool guy. Super mellow but also snarky as hell and always had really strange conversation starters but Jazz could only handle him in small doses.
Sometimes, he hates himself for that. He hates that he can't control his synesthesia long enough not to be a bother or get bothered by people who are simply just trying their best to peacefully exist.
"Wait, wait," Mik holds up a hand, his dark skin contrasting his stark white long sleeve, nose scrunched in confusion. "You're gay?"
"Did you not hear him talk about sucking dick?" Viv snorted out as Jazz said, "I'm actually bi."
"Ah, okay." The grouch just nods, hand moving up fast-- only to rub a part of his face-- but Jazz flinches back, hands curling against his shirt slightly before he takes a breath to knock the fear out of himself.
He knows Ahmik wasn't going to hit him; he wasn't a violent person.
But he was intense.
And he looked a lot like one of the musician's old bullies.
And sometimes, on days like this where he is just so overwhelmed, it's hard to make his brain recognize the difference between friendship and pain.
A gentle hand is on his shoulder and Jazz jerks to the side slightly, jumpier than usual as he looks at the celestial with wide eyes.
Green. Safety. He's safe.
And also-- also bothered? The pastel lime. The chartreuse and the teal. It all blended into his song, but the sea green was stronger than everything else, Cas' worry obvious. His protective viridian of pine a close second.
"I'm okay," Jazz told him. It wasn't the truth but it also wasn't a lie-- he wasn't not okay, just a bit too anxious to be very productive at anything in the moment.
But Cas is looking at him like he knows it was a lie.
And his colors-- his song-- is going into a moss of anger.
Jazz doesn't deal with anger well.
So he can't even do anything but watch as the celestial just sees as his panic increases and says something that makes Viv get all the louder and for Ahmik's intensity to shift, making him flinch again as they both move into the living room.
Cas is leading him somewhere, and it takes a couple minutes to register that the celestial is in front of him now instead of standing, hands on his shoulders, somehow eye level with him and not ticing too much but still mad.
Oh, Jazz blinks again, feeling the bed's comforter clenched between his hands.
He's in his own room. Cas is talking to him. Viv and Mik went somewhere else.
And everything is green.
But he still doesn't feel too safe, still feels too anxious even after having been calmed down. He just wants the repetition to end, he wants the anxiety to stop coming back like an ocean's wave; the feeling stronger each time.
And here's Cas-- a rock, a shelter, a safety net.
Saving him from drowning or, at least, trying too.
"Jitterbug? Hey," Cas cups his face, drawing a startled gasp from the musician. "Can you hear me? What-- mother ducking! Happened?"
"W-what?" Jazz's hand, without him telling them too, grasps onto the celestial's hips and pulls him closer, trying to brace himself into reality, trying to tell himself that I'm not alone, he's here. He's here. "I didn't, I..."
He was in the kitchen.
Everything was too much. He was too much.
His friends aren't in here, but somehow he is.
And Cas is willingly touching him, and he's not scared of him, and he's not mad at him-- or he thinks he isn't-- but he is mad and Jazz has no idea how any of it happened or why.
How long did his anxiety make him not register anything?
How long was he out for?
Did he hold his breath for so long that his brain just shut off on him?
Why is Cas still here through all this? Isn't he freaked out?
Maybe he has anxiety too. Maybe the celestial knows what a panic attack, what being this overwhelmed felt like. Or maybe he didn't. Jazz hoped he didn't.
"C'mon, Jasper, focus on me, okay?" Cas said softly, leveling him with that ethereal green and his lightning-strike gray eyes. "Why don't you feel safe?"
"I--" Jazz does feel safe though. He feels safe in here, with his celestial, with soft touches and gentle words. "I don't. I'm just-- it gets. Everything's t-too much for me again and, and I know that's stupid but it is. I know you helped me calm down earlier but then Viv and Ahmik," He winces again and only notices by the angry spark that enters Cas' eyes. "He um, gets intense? And it's just too much to handle right now. I'll do better tomorrow, I p-promise."
"You never have to try to do better than you're capable of." Cas pauses, a growl soon following after his words. "Don't push yourself to do or tolerate something you can't. You can't pour out of an empty cup."
"Today was j-just a lot." He tells him, pulling him even closer, needing the reassurance but is too scared to ask for it. "Not that it was, it was your fault. It was stressful just from the start. And I, um, I-I'm an overthinker?"
"Do you mean- -in Eden- -because I flirted with you?" Cas questions and Jazz jerks his head up in surprise.
"What? O-of course not!" Jazz tightens his hold on the celestial, eyes widening. "I just overthought myself into a panic! I just, we were talking and, and I thought of something and it just reminded me that I'm--"
The musician cut himself off, realizing what he was about to say, that I'm too much. He didn't want to say that to the celestial. He didn't want to make him realize that yet, if Cas hasn't already. He doesn't want that truth to be known, even if it's only for a day, or week, or month before his celestial begins to think the same.
Even if it's true, he doesn't want Cas to think so.
Jazz lowers his eyes, "I'm just overwhelming-- overwhelmed! A lot happened that m-my anxiety didn't appreciate. Usually I'd play some music but I don't want to mess anyone else's song up or make their colors switch and their, their watching a movie anyway, it would b-be rude. I just... once I can play my music, I'll be okay."
Once he could just sit down, Cas next to him, his song playing softly and encouragingly and covering him in warmth and reassurance, he'll be okay.
He knew that the celestial made him feel better.
He knew that, when things get so chaotic that his emotions can't keep up, he needs to take a breather and just relax.
Good music made him relax. Green made him relax.
And it just so happened that his celestial had a beautiful song surrounding him and lovely green colors dancing along with it.
So he felt safe.
And he was kind.
His music is all Jazz would need but, of course, Cas doesn't know that so he says, "We can listen to you play instead. The other two--" There's a certain bite to his words and it's not just due to the growl he releases. "--can wait to play their movie."
Jazz tilts his head, "Is that really okay?"
"Yes," Cas says firmly, no room left for misinterpretations or second guesses. "Grab what instrument you like and show me how well you play it. Impress me."
Well... when the celestial puts it like that, there's no way Jazz can't not do it.
So the musician grabs his violin and the rest of them sit in the living room and listen to all he has to offer, a soft, sad song but one deep and strong and determined.
It's how Cas makes him feel sometimes.
And that strength to take care of himself, to push Jazz into not having shame in doing what he needs, is something that he rarely feels.
So, above all else, above the strength, is an immense gratitude.
He's grateful he met the celestial.