Once at the hospital Jae and April were lead to Jae's mother's room, all the while a tall doctor who seemed to be about Jae's age explained what was happening. Jae pulled April along by her hand as he rushed through the halls to her bedside. It had been another close call, Jae had explained before disappearing behind the door. They were able to save her but they didn't know for how long. Their goal had been to keep her alive until he had a chance to say goodbye.
April stood in the hall outside the room, unsure what to do. She couldn't help but be struck by the eerie stillness of the corridor. It was so deceptively quiet. A silent warzone. Behind the doors that lined the halls people were fighting for their lives but the only commotion occurred when the end was near. When the final battle was being waged against an often invisible enemy. April knew that surrender was an option for Jae's mother but still she fought and April understood why. Though she had never herself been a mother, she knew the undying love a mother has for her child. Though she sent Jae away all those years ago she had done it out of love, out of a selfless desire to see his dreams come true. She was fighting for him. She didn't want him to have to deal with the pain of losing her, of being alone in the world without the person who knew him best.
"Excuse me."
April turned, the quiet voice shocking her out of her introspection. Beside her stood a young woman and a little girl. The girl was holding a doll and was looking up at April with the brightest most hopeful eyes she'd ever seen. April couldn't help but notice the hospital bracelet on the girl's arm and her heart broke.
"Hi," April said, smiling.
"This is Soo Ae," the young woman said motioning to the little girl. "She wanted me to tell you that she loves your hair."
April self consciously touched her curls. When she was younger, she would have killed for Soo Ae's long straight locks, her curls having caused her more embarrassment than one person should have to live through.
"Thank you," April said to the little girl and the young woman translated. "You have pretty hair too."
The girl smiled shyly then said something to the young woman.
"She wants to know if you'd like to see her room. It's just down the hall."
After a glance at the closed door in front of her, April nodded and followed the girls to Soo Ae's room, hoping that everything would stay calm while she was gone and that Jae wouldn't notice she was missing.
April sat on the bed as Soo Ae rushed around the room gathering her prized possessions. Several dolls and drawings that she had done she shoved onto April's lap. As she did, her cousin, JiMin, explained her situation. She told April that she had been in the hospital for three weeks and that her spirit had been waning lately. She was beginning to realize that her sickness was serious though the adults around her had been trying to keep the grim details a secret. Only a week after she had been admitted she was diagnosed with leukemia. This small happy child was yet another soldier fighting for her life. April tried to hold back her tears for Soo Ae's sake as she happily handed her stuffed animal after stuffed animal. Each with a name and origin story. After a while her excitement seemed to have taken a toll and she climbed onto her cousin's lap smiling up at April.
"I think it's time for her nap," JiMin said, stroking Soo Ae's hair. She whispered to her in Korean and the little girl nodded, yawning.
"Thank you for visiting with her. I can tell this helped."
"I'm happy to. I hope to see you again soon," April said as the girl waved weakly.
Once back in the hallway April rushed back to Jae's mother's room all the while trying to gather herself and got there just as Jae came out.
"Where were you?" He asked. "I checked a while ago and you were gone."
"I'll tell you later. How's your mom?"
"She's sleeping. Stable for now."
April nodded struck by a sudden sadness so deep it made her nauseous. JiMin had described to April how Soo Ae's mother had reacted to her diagnosis, crying and begging God to save her baby. Her father had stood stoically by her side in a state of disbelief. And Jae's mother, so desperate to stay with her son she was using all her strength to keep from losing her grip on the frail bond that was keeping her tethered to this earth. One mother afraid to leave, the other afraid of loss.
"April, are you ok?" Jae asked.
She tried to answer but the hall started to spin and suddenly the floor rushed up to meet her and with it came darkness and more silence.
April opened her eyes moments later as Jae was kneeling over her calling for someone to help him.
"Jae," she whispered, trying to sit up.
"Don't move," he said.
Suddenly she was being lifted by three white coated men and placed into a wheelchair.
"I'm fine," she tried to tell them. "Please, Jae, tell them I'm fine."
"You fainted. You're not fine."
"I'm just hungry. I've barely eaten since we got here. You know me. I usually eat a lot."
April tried to lighten the mood by laughing and Jae nodded, telling the men to leave her in the wheelchair.
"I'll take you to the cafeteria but if you still feel faint after you're done eating, you're getting checked out."
April nodded obediently and sat back as Jae pushed her to the elevator. She had a feeling she knew why she fainted but she didn't want to say anything about it. No use making Jae worry more about her. She was sure that a good meal would pep her up enough that she wouldn't lose consciousness anymore at least. Jae pushed her to a table and went and got her a tray so full of food she wasn't sure even she could finish it. Hurriedly, she began stuffing her mouth. Half because she was that hungry and half because she wanted Jae to get back to his mother as soon as possible.
As she ate, he watched her as if looking for some visible indication that she was feeling better. After a while he took her hand in his and stared deep into her eyes.
"I can't lose you, April."
"Jae," she replied, pushing the tray away, "you won't."
"Before she fell asleep, eomma told me she didn't want to leave me. I told her you were here with me. It seemed to ease her mind a bit."
April smiled squeezing Jae's hand. She couldn't imagine the way he was feeling, watching his mother slip away, waiting for such a painful moment to happen. Not wanting to say goodbye while at the same time wishing for an end to her suffering. She almost counted herself lucky that her father's death had been sudden and that she had been so young at the time. She wasn't able to fully understand anything except that daddy wasn't coming home anymore. She still had her mother to lean on, to talk to, to share memories with. All the things that Jae was too young to recall or understand would soon be lost forever, answers to questions he had yet to ask, locked in his mother's mind.
"Let's go back upstairs," April suggested.
"I think you should go back to the apartment."
Whatever sign of recovery he was looking for he must not have found because his eyes clouded with concern.
"I'm not leaving you here alone, Jae. Take me to the pharmacy, let me pick up a few things. When we get back upstairs I'll stay in the wheelchair. Standing is what's making me dizzy."
After a moment of thought, Jae conceded and pulled her away from the table and pushed her towards the pharmacy.
"I have to get some private things, can you wait out here?"
"Of course," he said, handing her a bill. "This should be enough."
She stood and walked into the pharmacy looking around for what she needed. She didn't recognize any of the brands but luckily most tampon boxes look the same no matter the country. She got some ibuprofen, wet wipes and a few other items and made her way to the checkout counter. The clerk said hello in English and smiled. April smiled back and looked over at Jae who was standing at the door watching her intently in case she needed help.
"I did it all by myself," she said as she sat back in the wheelchair with her bag.
"I'm proud of you," Jae said, sounding more like himself than he had since they arrived in Korea.
It made her miss him. Since they met he had always been slightly intense but he was also playful and sweet. She missed that Jae and for a while she wasn't sure she would ever see him that way again. After everything that had happened the past two days, she feared the darkness in him had taken over and he would remain brooding and distant forever. So though this moment of levity was brief, it gave her hope that the Jae she knew was still there somewhere.
After a few hours in the hall, Jae told April that they were going back to the apartment.
"Are you sure?" She asked groggily.
"Yes. They've given her painkillers and sleeping aids. She won't be awake for hours and you need rest."
April wanted to argue but she couldn't. She was tired and hungry but she didn't want to be the reason Jae wasn't there when his mother passed. She would never be able to forgive herself if she was.
"Just drop me off and come back, then," she managed to say.
"I need rest too."
"Of course."
Once back at the apartment, April fixed them each a plate of leftovers. They sat in the bed and Jae turned on a variety show that they watched as they ate. Had the situation been different it would have been the perfect evening and she knew that Jae felt it too by the way he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close to him. When he noticed her nodding off he turned off the television and wrapped both his arms around her. She sighed, resting her head on his arm. He kissed her lips gently and caressed her cheek and just as she fell asleep she heard him whisper: "Thank you".