MY ONLY WISH
donah
IN WHICH
he only wishes he'll come back; angst
SONG
my only wish - brittney spears
༄
the once comforting snow burned the pale of the boy's skin. a set of legs walking alone, the missing pair ghosting the trace of the lone's pant legs. the brunette's arm felt heavy around his side, no longer having a warm waist to pull into his body, no longer have a second set of warmth snuggle into his chest.
nothing really felt real anymore. it felt like the second the heart monitor stopped, his world did too. climbing out of bed, felt unobtainable. brushing his teeth, combing his hair, putting on clothes. it wasn't doable. but he had to do it anyways.
he had to push away the urge to lay in bed all day, time flying by as he could only summon up the mental stability to let his mind blank. he had to get up, he had to get ready, he had to pretend.
jonah hated the universe. he hated faith. if he heard one more stupid word about the everything happening for a reason he'd explode. fuck the universe. fuck reason. they took the only good thing about his life away from him.
it was cold outside. snowing, a little bit of hail landing in his mess of curls, but he didn't care. he couldn't. his new suit felt tight around his arms, tie choking him as he fruitlessly tugged at the black fabric. he didn't really know where he was going, the world blurred together as one the second he stumbled out of the funeral home, choked gasps escaping his lips as he felt surrounded, claustrophobic at the amount of heavy grief overwhelming his senses.
was this how daniel felt before he died?
did he feel trapped?
wasting away whilst everyone stood above him, whispering lies into his ears, mummering false hopes that he'd make it through this. alive?
well he didn't,
he died.
and it was no one's fault, but the universe'.
༄
"i don't want you to go, dani."
"i have to, bubby. i don't have a choice."
"b-but what about the surgery? they said it's a 30/70 percent survival rate."
"i don't want my life to be resting on the odds of 30/70, jo. i'm ready."
"i'm not."
jonah's larger body was pressed into the side of daniel's hospital bed. the blonde welcoming jonah's head to rest against his chest, the brunette merely hovering simply by wish, refusing to put the gentlest amount of weight on the boy as to not jar his fragile body.
the room felt so small. hospital bed neatly placed in the center. a wide array of machines hooked up to the walls, the ceiling, daniel's body. the sight was nothing short of terrifying. jonah knew he was terrified when he first saw.
he wished there was something he could do as he hid his stray tears into his shirt, wishing he could be brave for his boy for however long he had left. but it was so hard. it was hard putting up a front when all he wanted to do was break down.
he couldn't imagine a life without daniel. there wasn't one without him.
days would turn into weeks in what felt like seconds. sullen cheeks and showcased ribs would consume his being and turned him into a hollowed expectation of grieving loved one.
he didn't want to be a label. a statistic.
he wanted to be daniel's boyfriend.
and he wanted daniel to stay alive.
༄
sometimes jonah wished he'd taken advantage of the small time he had left with daniel. he wished he'd sung for the boy, produced a gentle melody to wash away the blonde's worries while he still could. he wished he made sure daniel knew he loved him. he loved him so much and instead of telling him, he cried. and he begged him not to go.
did daniel even know?
did daniel even fathom how much jonah loved him.
how dependent jonah's happiness was on daniel?
daniel was his entire world. and jonah doesn't think the boy even knew.
and now he'd never get to.
somewhere along the way he started crying. thick, wet tears sliding down his face. along that same road he also started to figure out where he was going. where his subconscious guided him to hang onto that lingering piece of comfort.
where daniel and him had met.
they'd met at this beautiful beach. the sand feeling as fluffy and soft as snow as both boys mutually agreed that winter was their favorite time and year and hosted their favorite holiday. the waves were so calm yet so wild. the water so clean, mesmerizing the blonde couldn't help but the drag the brunette into the tantalizing ocean.
the laughs they shared rung throughout jonah's head like a siren. and it hurt, so much. probably the worst pain he'd ever felt.
wasn't it supposed to be comforting?
he came here to be close to daniel. not have the universe hurt him again.
he only wanted one thing. if he could have one single wish, it would be to have daniel back, even if it's just for a christmas day.
༄
"will you do something for me?"
jonah moved to sit up, casting hazel eyes to connect with weak, sickly blue ones.
"yeah, of course. anything."
"not-not now. when i.."
"daniel, don't talk like that."
"we can't pretend like it's not gonna happen."
"it won't! it won't happen it can't."
"jonah, the doctors don't even know what's wrong with me! they just know i'm going to fucking die, and before i do i want to make sure you do something for me!"
the outburst beckoned a fit of coughing. the harsh, wheezing hacks shaking the boy's entire body as he leaned forward to regain his grip on reality.
jonah was by his side in a second.
patting his back, offering a cup of water for the boy to drink. resting his hand on his chest to soothe him.
"you're okay. you're okay, i'm sorry dani. i'll do it. i'll do whatever you want."
"n-next christmas, when it's all snowy out and the weather is cold and the water is about to freeze. will you take a sheet of my music, wrap it up in a bottle and release it in the ocean?"
"why?"
"i want to be more for more than just dying from an unknown illness."
"b-but i'd carry it on, i'd continue your legacy."
daniel revealed a weak smile up toward the boy, his hand sluggishly moving to capture jonah's fingers in his, "you wouldn't."
"i would, dani!"
"no. it'd be too hard for you, and i understand. it's okay, jonah. you're going to be okay without me.
"no i won't daniel." a whimper escaped from the boys lips as he tried and failed to hide a sob, "i won't."
༄
jonah watched as the clear bottle was carried away by the waves, somewhere behind him, loud, tacky christmas music played from a speaker.
he used to love christmas. now he's not so sure.
"i miss you, daniel. i miss you, so much."
nothing felt real. how was it possible for something so real, so painful and so misreble to feel so fake. he couldn't wrap his head around it, the whole concept seeming made up, a rouse to inflict trauma and pain.
daniel was dead?
his daniel? gone forever?
it didn't feel real.
he didn't realize when small sobs started to shake his body, hands clawing against the smooth of his suit.
the suit he wore for daniel's funeral.
daniel, who's dead.
forever.
his head pressed against the multiple grains of sand covered beneath of layer of fresh snow, blowing across the floor of the dry shore. everything hurt, everything hurt so bad. the tears racing down his face burned the kiss imprints daniel peppered on his face minutes before he died. the ring that was too small for any of his other fingers burned the pinky daniel had plced golden object on as something to remember him by. his throat burned as sobs ripped out of his chest, his windpipe longing for one more kiss from daniel.
"why!" he screamed. a horse broken scream escaping through his sobs as he yelled out to the happy sky above him, "why him! why us! why!"
he couldn't breathe. he couldn't think without daniel.
"i want him back! please!"
his throat ached for relief from all the screaming he was doing, all the pain that escaped with every body shaking sob.
soft footfalls crunched in the snow before hands were all over jonah. the brunette shoving his sobs into the first chest that welcomed itself as a place of comfort. hands gently removed the tie from around the boy's neck, irritated skin already forming from where the boy had worked the cloth into his skin.
"we got you, jo. you need to breathe, bub."
his suit jacket was removed, shoes peeled off before hands were gently patting his back. lips were pressed against his ear, whispers of 'it's going to be okay', mumbles of 'you're going to be okay'.
jonah shook his head, frustrated as another scream ripped out from his chest, "no! it's not going to be okay, it's never going to be okay!"
shushes were whispered all around him.
"you gotta calm down for us, jo."
a hand tangling itself in his mop of hair, another doing a futile job of wiping away the steady stream of tears trailing down his reddened cheeks. corbyn's voice hummed a gentle tune into his ear, the song the brunette promised to sing for jonah and daniel if they ever ended up getting married.
now they'd never get to.
"i want him back." jonah whimpered, clutching onto corbyn's suit, gripping the last sense of reality he could remember feeling, "i need him."
last night i took a walk in the snow, couple holdin' hands, places to go
it seems like everyone but me is in love.
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wc. 1643
day 23 of writemas !
hi 😄 no one hate me lolz 😼
THIS WASN'T EVEN CHRISTMAS THEMED LMAO but im proud of her (:
-gloomgirls -goldenyrs read this im proud of it (:
merry christmas eve eve and there are 9 more days until 2021 !!
tomorrow is christmas eve yuh🕺🏽🕴✨🥰❗😽🤭😀😁🥺😄😼