Tilly's POV: Twenty years later, aged 57.
I stare out onto the horizon of the backfields from the deck, leaning over the railing and inhaling the ironically sweet wildflowers that bloom soft petals of all colours that characterise themselves as beds for small bee's and butterflies to rest upon as they sleep during the warm spring night. The sky, scattered with deep pinks and lilac hues, clear of any and all clouds and things that whisper sadness. I entangle the necklace of pearls through my nimble fingers, nails painted pink and blue, gliding them across my skin and stopping on the odd pearl to examine it closely, but ultimately I keep my gaze fixated upon the sky so desperate for my attention. In one hand I guide the necklace and in the other I let myself feel the cold string gently caress my hands. I didn't want to see this day. I never wanted to say goodbye to my husband - to my best friend.
I've only ever known a world with Harry Styles in it, I'm not sure how I'll grow to understand a world without him beside me.
"What a fucking shitshow of a day, hey Tilly Girl?" I don't have to look beside me to acknowledge that the deeply Irish voice that came from the person beside me is Niall. In my peripheral vision, I see his hands leaning over the railing holding a silver flask, unscrewed at the top.
"Sure is." I say in agreeance and hold my hand out, asking for the flask. The cold metal meets my hand and I lift it to meet with my lips, the alcohol going down like water.
"Really? Vodka?" I turn my head to ask him and he shrugs his shoulders. Niall's brown hair has seemingly begun to go grey at the roots and to the sides and I admire the deep lines around his eyes usually crinkled when he smiles but today, I've seen one smile and it was the smile on the priests' face when he greeted us outside of the church prior to knowingly one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do. Smug bastard.
"What's wrong with that?" He asks, poking me in the ribs with his elbow and I smirk.
"We've got better stuff inside." I say, handing Niall back the flask and turning around, putting the pearls around my neck as I walk. I go through the backdoors and make my way past the living room where everyone is sat. Liam, Louis, Gemma, Mitch and Sarah all dressed in soft colours, mostly neutral whites and greys. I couldn't give Harry a funeral where we all rocked up looking like a witch coven, I needed it to feel less like death and more of a celebration for the life he lived. Silence washes over the room the moment I make my way past them and I instantly feel multiple sets of eyes burning back onto me. I open the cabinet above the dishwasher and rummage through bottles with an attempt to find the strongest drink I possibly can. I pull out a 2018 bottle of whisky and close the cabinet behind me as I make my way over to the kitchen bench. I take out a shot glass and place it down on the bench, not once looking up to see everyone, the pearls dangle slightly off my neck, hovering in the air when I pour the dark liquid into the clear glass. I toss the liquid back down my throat and pour another into the glass, downing that just as quick as the first. Pays to have been an actress for nearly forty years.
"So far I've taken a shot for myself and for Harry, which means I now have..." I begin to scan the room and point at each person as I count aloud.
"Six more to go," I mumble, pouring another shot. I raise the shot in the air and wave it around.
"Unless anyone else is interested?" I bring the shot glass to my lips looking at everyone who looks at me back.
"I will." Louis speaks up and makes his way to me and I place the shot glass down onto the bench, filled with dark liquor, and glide it across to him with my index finger. I watch as his worn, tattooed fingers lift the glass to the air and he makes hard eye contact with me as he does.
"To Harry." He smiles and tosses the liquid back easily.
"Count me in." Niall says as he stands and makes his way over to the bench.
"I've been sober all day, me too," Mitch says and gets up and goes to the counter. I bend down and take out a few more shot glasses and place them on the counter. I stand and watch as Liam makes his way over to us and silently pours a shot in the glass.
"To Harry." He says softly and I see Sarah poking her head out from around Mitchell and she takes a glass in her hand.
"To Harry." She agrees, pouring herself a shot. We stand here around the kitchen bench, the sun melting into the horizon and I raise my full shot glass, as does everyone else. The seven shot glasses, filled to the brink of whisky raised in the air is a sight I wish I could show Harry.
"To the most marvellous man any of us had the privilege to call a friend, a lover, a bandmate, a fashion icon... and a father." I say proudly, choking on my words. I push through, knowing Harry wouldn't want me to be upset whilst surrounded by everyone right now.
"To Harry!" Everyone says in unison, clinking their glasses and tossing back the liquid.
"God, fifty-eight and that's still not any easier." Liam smiles and everyone chuckles and laughs at his words.
"C'mon Payno, deal with it, mate." Louis says sarcastically, patting Liam on the back as he wipes the burning liquid from his lips.
After the shot Gemma left to catch a flight home but the rest of us spend the evening lounged around the back porch, everyone cuddled together and reminiscing the 'old days'. Today was the first day I lit a cigarette pressed between my lips. It's been over twenty years. I flick the cigarette, removing any ash and debris collected at the tip and lift the cigarette to meet with my lips and inhale, I'm quick to realise I can actually hear the sizzle of the cigarette because of how quiet it's gone. I draw back from it and blow the smoke out to the night sky as I stand leaning across the railing. Silence washes over us and I'm unsure why. Two seconds ago, Liam was telling us about the time he gave Harry a sign that said 'kiss me I'm legal' without even understanding what the sign said, now we sit in silence.
"I tell you what," I say with an exhale as I press the cigarette back to my lips and inhale, hearing the crackle of the tobacco burning. I remove it from my lips and blow it out and look out onto the stars.
"I am so fucking uninterested in a life without Harry Styles." I say with an exhale and a slight scoff.
"And I'm angry. I'm angry he got sick; god I mean he was only fifty-seven." I sigh.
"And I'm angry that he'll never meet the baby growing in Lucille's belly, or see Vinnie get married next summer, I'm just so fucking furious and you know what else I'm angry about?" I turn around to face everyone, my hands held onto the railing behind me, shaking.
"I'm furious, absolutely enraged that I don't get to see that damn smile ever again. I'll never tell him off for having the TV too loud, I'll never get to touch my husband's skin again because he's gone. He's gone and he's not coming back and I'm fucking furious!" I spit, throwing the cigarette butt over the balcony of our porch. Silence fills our surroundings once more.
"But all I've ever known since five years old was a world with Harry, now I have to unlearn it." I whisper and we sit in silence for a few moments.
"I'm angry I'll never get to hear his laugh again. Y'know... the one only a few of us will ever hear. The kind that makes everyone else laugh too." Sarah says softly as she wipes away underneath her eyes and Mitch runs his hand up and down her arm.
"I'm fuckin' mad I'll never get to hear him sing again or listen to him hum as we walk down the street together." Liam says after Sarah and I feel my lips slightly part.
"I'm so mad I'll never get to tell him how much I appreciated everything he did for me... Fuck knows who I'd be without him." Louis says softly as he lights a cigarette between his lips, flicking the red plastic lighter back, igniting the flame to the cigarette and putting it back in the pocket of his jeans.
"I'm mad I'll never hear him talk about music again. The passion that poured from him when he spoke about music was like nothing I'd ever heard leave someone else's lips. Harry was the most talented artist I had the honour to know." Niall says as he makes his way over to me and puts his arm around my shoulder. No one else speaks up, and although Mitch hasn't said anything I don't expect—
"I'm mad I'll never see my best friend again." He speaks, taking a sip of his beer. His eyes meet mine and I nod at him and give him a warm smile as if to say thank you, pushing through the tears.
The rest of the night went somewhat like this: Telling stories about Harry, talking about the greatest things he had done in his life, sinking beer after beer, chain-smoking to the point the air around us was thick and full of tobacco, laughing most of the time but sometimes a tear was shed. Although we were almost always talking, sometimes it would go silent between the group of us. We would sit in silence, in deep thought, grieving until someone spoke up with a funny anecdote. Liam was usually the first to break the silence. Eventually, the night turned into the early morning, the clock changing from 2 am into 4 am yet feeling as if only minutes had passed. But the moments where we sat in silence felt like hours. In those moments, I would look around at everyone ever so secretly, this is where I saw everyone's truest pain. Slowly, everyone began to pile into their respected cars and leave until it was just Louis and I.
"How are you?" He asks softly, handing me a cigarette and I light it between my lips.
"I'm okay. You?" I ask.
"If I said I was 'okay' I'd be lying. So, are you lying to me, Matilda?" He asks softly, almost a whisper as we look out onto the purple night sky. Our shoulders touching. He stands in a grey Treat People With Kindness Hoodie, tied into a small bow at the neck.
"I'm gonna miss him, Lou." I say softly and he exhales and kicks at the deck with the toe of his shoe.
"Me too," He says.
"Me too."
Louis and I stood like that for an hour, talking about Harry and it felt as if out of everyone, he knew him more than anyone else. It felt good to talk to someone about him like that. I stand in the driveway waving at Louis as he drives away, gravel dust flying up as he pulls out around the corner, disappearing into the early morning.
I look up to the sky at the two stars left of the moon and notice a third glimmering ever so softly, if I didn't look properly, I wouldn't be able to see it. I stand and stare at it, blinking in the night sky.
"Harry?" I ask the sky as if I expect an answer.
"Why did you leave us? I wasn't ready, my love." I whisper. Suddenly the star begins to move, and I fold my arms over my chest as I squint to see it flashing red and blue.
A fucking plane.
I huff and shake my head and turn around.
"You're too old to be talking to stars now." I mumble to myself as I walk inside, but something catches my eye. A star in the sky so bright I would've seen it before, but I don't believe I ever have. It twinkles and blinks at me, shining to be the brightest star in the entire night sky. Almost showing off to get my attention.
"I should've known you wouldn't be the one to simply twinkle, no, you had to outshine all the other stars, didn't you?" I smile. I walk inside and lock the door behind me and shakily make my way up the stairs, far too old to be drinking as much alcohol as I did tonight.
"Oh my Harry..." I shake my head as I take off my shoes and climb into my empty bed.
I lay in the darkness staring at the ceiling. I toss and turn, getting comfortable on my side and looking at a photo of Harry and I when we were younger. We sit on a rock looking out onto the evening sky, Harry showing me the two stars left to the moon. I remember having my head tilted ti where he told me to look, but my eyes were fixated on him. The way his jaw sat so sharply and the way his dimples surfaced when he smiled as he pointed with pink and blue nails.
That was us.
"I don't want to be alone, H." I whisper, closing my eyes.
"But I guess I'll have to get used to it." Imumble, falling asleep.
THE END.
A/N: This concludes my book and as I mark the book completed please know I'll be thinking of each and every single one of you. This book meant the absolute world to me to write. I began it during a worldwide pandemic and I'm ending it as my country officially lifts restrictions and lockdowns due to having almost zero new cases in the last few months. I end this book on 100K reads and I think that feels a little too perfect haha
I hope that this book taught you at least one thing:
To love unconditionally and to love unapologetically. To always speak your mind and follow your dreams no matter how wild and crazy they seem to others, know you're capable to do so.
If you are still in lockdown please know I'm thinking of you and remember to reach out via FaceTime, messages and social media to those you love and remember to stay connected to one another!
Side note: My second book 'Portofino' has a few chapters up, I'll be posting chapters as frequently as I did for Finer Things now that all my attention is away from it... Be sure to check out that book!
Thank you. - M