The next morning I rose with the sun. Evan laid in my bed naked, his tattoo littered skin the first thing I saw. I slipped on his button up from last night, making my way out to the balcony in my room, watching the sun rise on the beach and the waves crash onto the shore.Flashes of our passionate reacquaintance fogged my mind, my fingers tracing my lips absentmindedly.
"I love you."Evan whispered, his thrusts stopping as his eyes met mine. His thumb stroked my cheek,a soft kiss adorning my lips.
I kept his lips on mine as I tightened my legs around his hips. I tugged on his hair, our lips locked as he resumed his thrusts. Our breaths mixed as our bodies got reacquainted with one another, naturally remembering what the other liked and discovering new preferences.
I sighed as I looked out on the beach, my mind still stuck on Evan's "I love you" from last night. I didn't know what to do about that, there was a lot to be healed and talked about between us. There was nothing more that I wanted than to be able to just pick up where I left off with Evan,he was my first and only love. There was a lot of hurt and history between us,memories of our time together flooded my mind as I stared out at the beautiful waves.
I jumped at the feeling of arms wrapping around my waist,relaxing when Evan kissed the side of my neck softly.
"It's me,babe."He whispered,leaning his chin on my shoulder. We stood in silence as we watched the sunrise on the beach,the peace and quiet combined with the company was more than I could ever ask for.
"I hear you thinking,what's on your mind?"Buck spun me around,his large hands cupping my face. "You can tell me anything,kitten."He smiled teasingly,using my old pet name.
"Buck. There's something you should know."I grabbed his hands,squeezing them softly. "It's a lot but I want you to promise that you won't hate me."I sniffled,pulling his hands from my face and led him inside.
We sat on my bed,his cerulean eyes watching my slowly pull the sonograms from my purse. "When we were filling out our college applications,I-"I wiped away the tear that fell from my eye as I handed him the picture. "I was pregnant."I sniffed,watching him hold the picture. His beautiful eyes filled with tears,his thumb stroking the picture softly.
"What happened? What happened to our baby?"He wiped at his eyes,sniffling softly.
"I lost the baby when I was almost 2 months."I sighed,feeling the tears sting at my eyes again.
He pulled me into his arms as a sob wracked through my body,he rubbed my back soothingly as I cried into his chest. It felt good to finally let out the hurt and sadness I carried all this time,both of us finally working through a sadness we didn't get to go through together.
"Why didn't you tell me?"He whispered,laying down with me on his chest.
"I wanted to Buck. I wanted to tell you so badly. Before I lost the baby,I had found out where you were. But when it happened,I couldn't tell you. I couldn't put you through that hurt."
"I wish I could've been there,been there for you when you needed me the most. I'm so sorry."He kissed my forehead softly,playing with my hair soothingly. We cried together,slowly falling asleep in each other's embrace.
_______________________________
The next few days were quite peaceful. Buck had made it his mission for us to spend as much time as possible together between our busy shifts. Slowly we made our way back to mending our broken relationship and building a stronger one on top of it. We hadn't exactly defined what we were, but we didn't need to put a label on what we knew so clearly. I hadn't told him why exactly I had moved from New York but there was a part of me that wanted to protect him from the danger I was running from.
I was making my way to my desk after a rough call, ready to type up the report and put the call out of my mind. The sight of the yellow flowers on my desk stopping me dead in my tracks. Athena walked past mega teasing grin on her face.
"Oooh someone has a secret admirer."She grinned, her eyes falling on my frozen form. "What's wrong, these orchids are beautiful."She touched the delicate flower softly.
I turned and ran to the bathroom, heading straight for the stall and threw up my whole lunch. I sat on the floor for a few moments,tears streaming down my face at the horrible memory.
I smiled at the blue eyed man tenderly, leaning into his touch as he moved a strand of my hair out of my face with his index finger.
"Did you like the flowers, my little dancer?"His raspy voice made me shiver, his hands wandering my body.
"I love them."I whispered, ignoring the disgust I felt when he touched me.
"My dancing lady."He whispered, kissing my neck. "Just like the flower."He finished, turning me around to bend me over the table. My eyes fell on the yellow orchid as he entered me, my body not resisting his as he had his way with me.
I flushed the toilet and moved to wash my hands and face,trying to take deep breaths to calm myself. I slowly made my way back to my desk, ignoring Athena's deep stare.
"You okay, sweetheart?"She asked, watching as I moved things around my desk and avoided the flowers all together.
"Get rid of them, please."I whispered, turning to take a deep breath and avoid her gaze. "Please,I don't want to see them anymore."
"Okay,okay."She answered,grabbing the flowers and moving out of my line of sight. When she came back she handed me a bottle of water, watching me with worried eyes. "You wanna talk about it?"
"Not right now."I whispered. She nodded and made her way to her desk across from rewatching me as we worked in silence.
"Come on, we're invited to dinner. Maybe it'll do you some good to see your firefighter."
Hen led us up the stairs,Athena and I following her as she announced our presence. "Hey,you guys don't mind that I Brought some company to family dinner? Athena's going through some stuff at home,so she could use some TLC. And she brought her beautiful new partner."
I watched Buck sag when he saw Athena,quickly standing when he saw me behind her.
"Well we don't usually allow cops at secret fire house meetings, but uh I'll make an exception."The captain smiled at us as the asian guy hugged Athena. He smiled at me introducing himself as Chimney.
The captain shook my hand as well, telling me to call him Bobby. "And this is Buck."He pointed at Buck as Athena smirked at him.
"Oh they're old friends."She teased, taking a seat across from Buck as he hugged me quickly,pulling my chair out for me. "You know I ain't sold on you yet, but I think keeping me and my partner from getting shot deserves a second chance. Won't be a third though."She teased as they shook hands.
Buck sighed and threw his arm around my shoulder as he sat back. I sat quietly as they talked about Buck and a rough call they had just had.
"..it symbolizes letting go, all the sad, crazy,inhumane things we've seen that day."Athena's voice brought me out of my mind, her words reminding me that what I did was for the greater good.
The bell rang in the firehouse, interrupting our dinner. Buck kissed my cheek quickly before they made their way to the trucks.
__________________
The next morning I was watching the news,Bucks familiar voice brought me out of my horrible thoughts. I watched him,his sad gaze making me feel guilty about not paying him more attention about his rough call.
"Morning."He kissed my forehead softly. He poured himself a cup of coffee as he sat next to me at the breakfast nook.
"You okay?"I whispered,leaning my head on his shoulder as he sipped his coffee.
"I'm always okay when I'm with you."He whispered, leaning his head on top of mine.
"You wanna talk about it? I know how hard it is to lose someone you're trying to save."I grabbed his hand,playing with his fingers.
"No,I'm okay. I know you have your own stuff you're carrying with. I just need to get over it."He sighed.
"You need to talk to someone Buck. Talk to your captain,or one of the therapists they have for first responders. This isn't easy."My thumb rubbed the top of his hand,smiling at him softly.
"Yea,I'll talk to someone."His smile didn't reach his eyes,the hurt he felt coming through.
We sat in silence, each of us in our own suffering. Soon we were each off to our respective jobs a fleeting kiss our only good bye as we split.
Athena and I were driving around so she could show me more beats when a call came through about a man with some dogs attacking him.
"Dispatch,show 727-L-30 and 727-L-31 responding."I answered the radio as Athena pulled into a drive thru restaurant with our sirens on.
"This is an emergency. I need you to back up."I announced on the cars loud speaker, smirking as the cars backed up.
"Hey girl,give me four cheeseburgers and fries. Put the fries in a separate bag, okay? Oh and 2 Medium root beers."Athena grinned, pulling out as soon as we had the food.
We pulled into the driveway of the house,Athena asking Hen how big they are.
"Oh crap. I was hoping we'd at least get one."I pouted.
"You ready?"Athena turned to us, leading the way into the house.
"You have a gun?"The man asked.
"Nah,shooting em is just gonna piss them off. I got something more effective."Athena pulled the burger out of the bag. She threw them away from us, leading the dogs into a closet where we could close the door and separate them from us.
"Thank you."The man relaxed on top of the counters flirtatious look directed towards Athena. "You are a beautiful genius."
Hen and I exchanged glances, a teasing smirk on my lips. Athena and I made our way out so Hen could examine him, both of us filling out our report.
"Hey,he okay?"Athena asked.
"Should be fine."Hen sighed,"We'll have animal control test the dogs for rabies. You uh ,happen to notice what I noticed in there? There was fire, smoke."Hen teased, meeting my eyes as I laughed.
"What are you talking about?"Athena hummed, not meeting our gaze.
"You know,"I pushed her shoulder lightly,"That sweet smile, those broad shoulders."I teased.
"Mr.Sweet Smile was asking me about you."Hen grinned.
"Then he a bigger dog than the dobermans, because I still have my ring on."Athena pointed out.
" 'Thena,spoiler alert. Your husband likes boys."Hen stated,"So that ring ain't gon' be on much longer."
Athena sighed,leaning her arm on the rearview mirror. "Well for now my vows still mean something to me. And I-I couldn't do that to my kids. It's been tough enough already,I mean I don't think May's said more than two words to Michael or I in the last week."
"Whatever happens between you and Michael,these next few months are gonna be hell so whatever you need to do so you can be there for your kids and for yourself,you might wanna do it."Hen advised Athena while I tilted my head as I glanced at the door.
"Hen,was that slide door open or closed?"I asked, both women looking at me.
"Closed."Hen's brows furrowed. All of us turning to the car pulling into the driveway.
"So was the front door,"Athena frowned. "Dogs can't get inside unless they live there."
We made our way back inside to find it empty,the man walking up to us with Hen behind him.
"Officers,is everything okay?"
"Sir,is this your home?"I asked.
"Yes,is everything okay?Where are my dogs?"He looked around.
"Uh,the dobermans?"Hen asked.
"You'll be happy to know they're safe and fed. The problem is you've been burglarized, and I let him get away."Athena huffed.
Athena and I sighed as we made our way back into the office after we made sure the man received his dobermans back. "So,what's the plan?"I asked as we sat across from each other. We started going over the reports we both had written up and pulled up the 911 call.
We took a quick break from forming our plan on catching this guy,I decided to take the chance to call Buck and see how he was doing.
"Hey Cat."He answered on the first ring.
"Hey, you doing okay hon?"I sighed, taking a seat outside.
"A little better."He sighed,I could picture him running his hand through his hair."It's tough, you know?"
"Yea Buck,I get it. You know it wasn't your fault right?"I tried to soothe him.
"I tried to save him you know? It's like he gave up."Buck sounded so tore up, my heart bled for him.
"Buck,some people don't want to be saved and in those moments they make a decision. And if he had decided that he just couldn't go on, there wasn't anything you could do to stop him."
"His funeral is tomorrow."
"Do you want me to come with you?"I grinned, knowing Buck was going to the funeral no matter what.
"I'd love for you to come with me."He breathed out in relief.
I hung up,making my way back inside to finish the day with Athena and make my way home. I was ready to lay in bed with Buck,both of us holding onto each other as we dealt with our sorrows.
___________________________
I held Buck's hand as we sat in one of the pews in the back. My heart ached for the mans sister as she finished her tearful speech. She approached us as everyone else made their way out of the church.
"You want me to stay with you?"I squeezed his hand, watching him shake his head.
"I'll be quick."He squeezed my hand back before I let it go and made my way to the church doors.
My phone rang, the BLOCKED that I read on the screen made my blood run cold.
"Hello."I breathed out in a shaky breath.
"Hello my little dancer."I would never forget that voice, the raspy tone of it would never not make me tense up.
"How did you get this number?"I looked around,scared to find him lurking in the crowd.
"Trying to find me,little dancer? You can't see me, but I can see you. You look beautiful in black."
I kept looking around,trying to find the man of my nightmares in the crowd. His chuckle only making me shake like a leaf.
"What do you want?"
"I want you."I felt my heart stop at his words. "I know you think that firefighter loves you, but he doesn't love you like I love you. And if you don't stop seeing him,I'll just have to kill him."he whispered ,hanging up the call after those words.
Evan came out, shaken up and flustered just to find me in an even worse state. I knew exactly what this man was capable of,and there was a part of me that wanted to hold on to Evan now that we found each other again but I knew I couldn't put Evan in that danger.
He grabbed my hand,squeezing it tightly as my eyes met his. His soft smile before he kissed me broke my heart,and I felt those shattered pieces break even more at the thought of what I had to do to keep Evan safe.
Buck and I made our way to my house before our shifts,both of us quiet the whole way home. I knew I needed to get Evan as far away from me as possible. I ran over a million ways to say what I needed to say,each one of them hurting me as much as it would hurt him.
I heard bucks footsteps down the stairs,feeling him stand behind me and wrap his arms around me. I turned in his arms,a shaky sigh leaving my lips as he kissed my forehead.
"Wanna meet up for dinner? You could come to the firehouse."He smiled at me,only making my chest hurt more.
"I,I can't."I sniffled. I pulled away from him,trying to avoid his sad gaze. "I can't see you anymore,Evan."
"What?"He looked at me confused. "What do you mean you can't see me anymore?"
"I can't do this."I turned my back to him,afraid he'd see me cry and know that I was lying. "I can't be with you,I can't have you hurt me again."
"No,Kitty wait."He sniffled,"Things are different now. I'm different. We can be together."
My heart broke at him calling me my childhood nickname.
"No Evan. We can't."I took in a deep breath,hating myself before I even said the words. "I can't be with someone who cheated on me. I can't trust that it won't happen again."
"Kitty,you know I regretted hurting the one person that always loved me no matter what. I've always loved you. I think I always will."
"Evan,"I sighed,trying to hold in my tears. "Don't make this harder than it has to be."
"Is there a reason you won't look me in the eyes? Think I won't see that this time we've spent together again hasn't made you realize that we still love each other?"
"Please."I whispered,choking back a sob.
He stepped behind me,his nose buried in my hair. I wanted nothing more than to turn around and kiss him,tell him that it was all a lie and that he couldn't leave me.
"I love you."He whispered,planting a kiss on my hair before he left quickly.
"I love you more."I cried,falling to the floor in tears.
____________________________
Athena and I were sitting in the squad car as we spied on the guy from the Doberman call.
"So who's calling him? Me or you?"She asked,tapping her fingers on her knees.
"You definitely. He was feeling you."I teased.
We watched the man walk down the sidewalk,Athena pulling her phone out to call him as I slowly drove behind the man.
"Hey,boo."Athena sighed into the phone as she placed the call on speaker, her voice taking on a seductive tone.
"Who is this?"The man answered.
"Who is this? C'mon now."She faked offense. "I'm disappointed in you,I thought you and I had something."
"I hate to disappoint but you're gonna have to refresh my memory."
"Yeah well I guess it has been a minute. I was married, and you told me to call you when I needed a real man. Well here I am."
"Well here you are."His smug tone made me want to punch him.
"So,uh,you gonna come get this?"
He laughed, my eyes watching his cocky posture. "Well that depends on what you had in mind."
"You can meet me at my place for a little afternoon delight,if you know what I'm saying."
"Afternoon delight? Girl you need to update your euphemisms. Okay okay,where you at?"
"Mmm,I'm not far."Athena smirked.
"How do you know?"The man questioned.
"You like dogs? Dobermans?"Athena answered with a question. "I have one at my place."
"Who is this? How did you get this number?"
"You called 911,dumbass."Athena waved at him as he turned to our car.
He broke into a sprint,making me floor it to not lose sight of him. We caught him at a gate, Athena jumping from the car and grabbing him from the gate as he tried to climb it. She slammed him on the hood of the car, ready to cuff him.
"You thought you would make me look like a fool and run away, huh?"
"Sergeant,sergeant easy!"Another officer yelled as he ran towards us.
He took the man from Athena's hold, cuffing him as I stood with her as she tried to calm herself.
"You okay?"I placed my hand on her shoulder, smiling at her when she placed her hand on mine and squeezed.
She told me about her tough ending in her marriage. I told her about my break up with Buck,sighing as I drove us to a food truck.
"It was hard, but it's for the best."I mumbled, knowing Buck being safe and out of harms way was most important.
"I could tell something was up, that spark in your eyes has dimmed. You and that boy, there's a lot of love there."
"Yea,but there's more to us than you know."
____________________
I read over the files, the fear settling deep into my bones. I couldn't believe that almost 2 years of undercover work went down the drain when the target I had in my sights for so long escaped from the prison I put him in.
Since the phone call from the funeral,I pulled every file with his name on it. I pulled some files with similar looking cases to the ones I saw in New York,knowing that his name was all over this. He was making a move in Los Angeles,the number of missing girls was slowly rising and suddenly there were more dealers on the street.
Soon enough the area would be flooded with cocaine and human trafficking. He was a sick bastard who made profit on the lives of poor innocent girls and boys, and flooding the areas with his sick powder that made many fall victim to its addictive nature. I remembered the first time he made me try the stuff, his glacier eyes watching me like a hawk.
"I-I've never.."I whispered, feeling completely overwhelmed when he pulled my hair off my shoulders, his nimble fingers playing with the long strands.
"Try it, mi flor."His thick Spanish accent made me shiver. "It'll make you feel so good. Everything will feel and look so much better."
As an undercover I needed to be on 100,and by doing this my senses would not be as sharp as I needed to be. I wouldn't be able to protect myself if I needed,I'd be at his mercy and that was probably what he wanted.
I felt his strong hands at my shoulders,his strength making me hyperaware of if I didn't do what he wanted he could simply end my life.
I leaned forward and sniffed the line of white powder, feeling the effects almost immediately.
"Thats it."I heard his voice, but I couldn't acknowledge the words.
I could only describe the feeling as everything in sight just twinkling with promise, the euphoric feeling warming me from head to toe. Unfortunately for me the feeling of impending doom couldn't penetrate through the sudden happiness I was washed in.
I woke up the next morning,naked in the bed of the man who made me snort my line of coke for the first time while I was undercover on a crucial investigation. Bruises littered my skin, my neck sore from an apparent tight grip on my neck. I crawled out of the bed,sore in many places.
I rubbed the back of my neck, anxiety coursing through me at the memory of the apparent first time a known drug dealer and human trafficker took me to bed. I could barely remember what exactly happened.
I picked up my phone,looking at a few pictures I had taken of Evan and with him. I missed him badly, the time we had reconnected buried the horrid memories I was currently reliving. I couldn't be selfish and keep him by my side knowing the danger I was putting him in.
I smiled through my tears at the picture from just 2 days ago,Evan laying on my chest as we talked about how we ended up at our respective jobs.
His arms were around my waist as his chin was propped on my tummy as his big blue eyes stared up at me. His plump pink lips were in a playful smile, his perfect teeth on display.
I had forgotten what it was like to have him look at me like that, like I was the center of his universe. He always had his eyes on me, happy to find that my eyes also searched for him.
I cried myself to sleep that night, looking at the picture as tears streamed down my face at then thought of me losing Evan once again.
"Hate me if you have to, just know that I love you."