Should I even bother apologizing anymore? Sorry...
I hope some of you are still here and enjoying the story. I know it's very different from what it once was and I feel kind of bad for it to be honest. Anyways... I kind of like some parts of this chapter and I hope you do too!
Oh and we will have a visit from a well-known character from another amazing work of art! Namely from my all time favorite book, though most people have only seen the movie, I'd love to know if you find the character!
// Linnéa <3
18.
The man on the other side of the thin metal bars peered at her curiously, eyes glinting in wonderous amazement.
"Your letters will be dispatched within the week miss." Blue smiled at the man, hiding the disgust she felt from the way he looked at her "Thank you" she said, her voice nothing more than a whisper.
With haste she turned her back on him and nimbly zigzagged between the people at the post office, making sure to keep the blue fabric of her dress from brushing against them. It was with a heavy sigh of relief she broke out into the warm sunlight, the dusty air of the little town filling her lungs. Esmeralda waved at her from the other side of the street, motioning for her to come over. Her thick beard and wild eyebrows drew as much attention as the violent shades of green and orange in her flamboyant dress and her deep rumbling laughter. Generally people shied away when the freaks came to town but not from Esmeralda, there was something about her that peaked their curiosity, something, unlike the rest of the freaks, that evaporated their fear. Blue loved her for that, always had, or at least for as long as their always had existed.
Just over six years earlier Blue woke up in a small bumpy bed, it was shaking from side to side and it took her a good long minute to figure out that it was in fact moving, well the bed wasn't but the little room she was in did. There was a curved green ceiling above her and from it hung all types of trinkets, dried roses, pieces of fabric, toys and jewelry. She was so entranced by the way they swayed from side to side that she didn't notice the odd woman at the end of the narrow room. And when she finally did notice her, Blue was still ashamed over this, she screamed. Never in her life had se seen a woman like Esmeralda and the whole situation had simply been too much for her to handle, so she screamed and cried until the woman had enough and asked her to 'please consider to shut the hell up'. It worked, Blue did shut the hell up, and Esmeralda smiled at her, it was one of those smiles that tell you everything is going to be alright, one like Hosea's.
She had taken Blue under her wing and was the closest thing to a mother she had had since her own died. The first few days with the circus had been a nightmare and if she hadn't had Esmeralda Blue was sure she would have simply fallen to the ground and died of sorrow. She comforted her when she cried, nursed her cuts and bruises, told her everything she needed to hear and saved her from punishments when she tried to run away. Because she did try, many, many times. During her first year it was constant, second year more seldomly and then as the years passed, her will faded and as life moved on she came to some form of acceptance. This was her life now, she traveled, she performed, she repeated for one, two, three, four, five and finally six years. She was a young woman, well loved by her friends and respected enough by her superiors, yet there was something she missed, something she longed for and had longed for for six whole years. Her family.
The circus was a kind of family, sure, but no matter how many years went by and however much she loved them, they weren't what she chose, they weren't Hosea or Dutch, Miss Grimshaw or Jack or Charles, and most of all, they weren't Arthur, no one would ever be her papa. It was odd to her, she'd known the people of the circus longer than she ever knew the gang and yet she couldn't help but want them back. Where the gang was warm and joyful the circus was often competitive and cold. The freaks were loving but the acrobats and the rest of 'the pretty ones' as they were called on the inside, weren't always the nicest. They were vain and selfish, loving the attention they got during performance. Unfortunately, Blue had found herself partly being one of them, she was a freak but not freak enough for it to be her only use in the show. She flipped back and forth between horseback-acrobatics and the freak-exhibition, and during special occasions she was even a part of the areal-acrobatics.
It was hard work and she wishfully dreamt of the calm nights around the campfire.
It was only 10 minutes past 8 in the morning and she had already taken care of the horses, practiced her performance, helped set up the posters and decorations, made sure everyone had been fed properly and gone into town to run errands for Mr. Bank. He'd had some letters he wanted posted, but what Mr. Bank didn't know was that amongst those letters were four extras, two for Mr. Tacitus Kilgore and two for Archibald Smith.
***
Arthur's knees popped uncomfortably as he squatted down over the dead boar, his knife gliding swiftly over its bulging stomach, letting its contents spill out onto the ground. Cursing to himself he saw some of the blood splattering onto his new pants and wiped at it with his thumb, only managing to smear it in, ensuring a good stain. He was tired and hungry and for a moment he entertained the idea of eating the meat himself but he knew he couldn't. They hadn't had any meat in camp for over three weeks now and it made people grumpy. It wasn't for the lack of animals but rather the lack of opportunities. A robbery-gone-wrong had forced them into hiding, the kind of hiding where even hunting was dangerous. Eventually, however, he and Charles hand been sent out for food. They'd gone their separate ways some hours ago and after struggling through the dense woods he'd finally managed to catch something.
Heaving the animal over his shoulders he slowly made his way back to where his faithful horse awaited him. He wasn't young anymore and the animal weighed heavily on his shoulders and back, making them ache worse than normally. He grumbled to himself about how he was 'too old' and he shouldn't be doing 'this shit' anymore. He was 45 years old but he swore it felt like at least 70 when he got up in the mornings and 82 when he went to bed at night.
Tying the animal onto the back of his horse he made his way back to their small camp.
It always amazed him how little had changed in the gang, some people had come and gone but the core was the same as always. Mary-Beath fell in love with, and married, some man who joined them a few years back and they had left together one day that spring, Lenny found honest work up north and Molly up and left in the middle of the night a few summers ago, other than that there really wasn't much difference, except that they were all older.
And of course, there was no Blue.
The thought of her confused him. The memories he had of his daughter were mostly happy and gave him comfort but the uncertainty of what happened to her broke his heart. He didn't know where she was or if she was even alive, did she remember him or was she blissfully happy somewhere where she didn't have to think about her old life? Honestly Arthur didn't know which one he preferred, that she remembered or not?
The sun was setting when he dropped the pig at Pearson's feet. Rolling his aching shoulders' he aimed for the gun-wagon and his bed.
"Arthur, come here boy" Dutch's voice rang through camp, as strong as always. Sighing Arthur looked at his bed longingly before turning towards the older man's big tent.
Pushing the flaps of fabric aside he entered, finding Dutch and Hosea at the small table. The oldest of them half lying on the others bed, breathing heavily, probably recovering from another coughing fit.
"Come look at this!"
On the table laid a letter, splayed open and pressed flat against the rough wood. Dutch motioned for him to read it.
TO; Mr. Archibald Smith.
On the behalf of Mr. Griffiths and Mr. Bank you, and your choice of companion, have be invited to attend the WORLD RENOWND Griffiths & Bank's Travelling Circus.
You have been chosen for your faithful support of this SPECTACULAR show to have free access to the show in Cattleberry town on the 13th of June. You need only show this letter to enter freely.
We hope you enjoy the show and highly encourage you and your companion to make the most of this experience.
Note that you have free access to ALL the EXITING entertainments such as our well stocked FREAK SHOW, converse with our mysterious SNAKE-WHISPERER, marvel at the sight of our LOBSTER-BOY and let yourselves be entranced by the girl with PECULIAR eyes.
Signed; Mr. Griffiths & Mr. Bank
"Don't remember ever goin' there" Arthur declared, staring at the neatly written words.
"Neither do we, that's why I wanted you to read it."
The girl with PECULIAR eyes...
The words stood out to him like a sore thumb, peculiar eyes, he remembered thinking that once. He remembered looking into the most soulful eyes he'd ever seen and thought to himself that they were the most PECULIAR eyes he'd ever seen.
"Not a lot of people know that name either" Hosea said, looking pointedly at Arthur.
"D-Do you... Do you think s-she could have?"
"If anyone could, it'd be her."
***
"I don't want to drop you little one" Blue smiled up at her gentle giant, trying to ease the obvious worry in his heart.
"You won't Bean, you never have and you never will, now help me out"
One of the big posters at the circus perimeter had fallen down and Blue knew better than to leave it like that. It was a picture of Fernando The Liontamer, he was a vain man and she knew well enough the kind of tantrum he would have if he saw his picture on the ground. If it wasn't for the fact that Blue was painfully aware that she was the one who would have to deal with the tantrum she would have left it where it was, maybe dance on it for a while. Fernando and his lions were a big part of the circus, people just couldn't keep themselves from oohing and aahing as he made them jump through fire-hoops and roll around like puppies.
If only the audience knew that the mysterious Italian Fernando was in fact a German man by the name of Herbert who beat his animals into submission and peed his pants when they came too close... oh Blue wished...
Looking down at the crumbled piece of fabric she almost hoped the dirt had stained it. picking it up, however, she was disappointed to find it in pristine condition.
"Let's get this over with, I think we both have things we'd rather do than this, ain't that right Bean?" he hummed in response, and with the gentlest of hands he lifted her by the waist so that she could stand on his shoulders. They'd done it many times and yet he was always just as worried he'd drop her. The thing with Bean was that he was a huge man, gigantic even, but he was sweet and the very meaning of innocent and sensitive. He didn't like violence or harsh language, he liked hugs and helping. Some claimed there was something wrong with him, that he was stupid because sometimes he had a hard time understanding things, Blue understood what they meant but paid it no attention. Bean, or John Coffey as was his name, was the most precious thing she had and she believed he felt the same, therefore they stuck together. Esmeralda was her guardian but Bean was her safety.
"You can put me down now Beany"
The man knelt onto the ground and offered her a hand. She took it gratefully and with care to not step on his toes she jumped the short distance onto the dirt.
"Told you it would be alright" she winked at him, earning a sweet smile from her friend.
With his big hand still enveloping her own smaller one they walked together in comfortable silence, making their way to where the main tent had been erected on the lush green field. Workers ran around them, securing lines and checking poles. The stress of getting everything done was something they were all used to by now and Blue knew that even with all these people running around, this was as calm as it would get until night had fallen. When the crowds showed up everything would become chaos. People yelling to one another, trampling down every plant and pushing each other around like panicked animals in a stampede.
Looking out over the green field she mourned for the beauty that would soon be destroyed.
With a kiss to Beans cheek, Blue left the giant man behind to get ready for the first show of the day. She was especially nervous since this was in fact one of the days that she knew the gang could possibly show up at. The letters she had sent out all had different dates and locations so that they would have a bigger chance of finding her.
It was over a month ago now when she read about a robbery gone wrong in a newspaper from a small town they passed. It all screamed Dutch van der Linde, so she took her shot and sent those letters to the surrounding towns where she thought they could be hiding out.
Two of the dates had already passed and each time she was hopelessly heartbroken as she realized they hadn't come. She knew it had been a shot in the dark but she had really believed that this could have been her one chance at freedom. Now there was only two more letters that could bear fruit and if they didn't... if they didn't then she thought she might as well give up.
***
The little town was surrounded with lush vegetation, its center a big brown stain between the perfectly green valleys. Arthur Morgan stood fumbling with an old cigarette card, folding it in halves and quarters, looking at the poster in front of him. There was a girl on a horse, her leg hooked over her own shoulder as she balanced on the galloping steed. Her face was generic and small and there really wasn't anything that told Arthur that it was Blue, yet he hoped that it might just be.
It had been decided that Dutch would attend the circus while Arthur waited outside, just close enough that he could see and hear if something happened but also far enough away that it wouldn't seem too weird.
At first he'd wanted to go in with Dutch but knowing that he didn't look like someone who would get a special invitation, he'd opted for waiting outside.
There was still some time before the show would start and though they had been tempted to look through the freak-exhibition for any sight of Blue, it was too risky. None of them knew how they would react if it was in fact her. They realized that it would be safer to wait until the show started and darkness fell.
Nervously Arthur had walked around town all day, waiting for the sun to set. He circled around to the posters pasted on the walls and windows, over and over again. Just staring at the colorful imagines, wondering if that blond hair on the girl belonged to Blue or somebody else entirely.
***
"Junior sit still!" The giant hound whined miserably as Blue fastened the itchy fabric over his back, making it look as if he wore a fancy black frock coat. "I know I know, but you know that's the only way they'll let you come! and you get sad if I leave you here!" His big brown eyes stared at her, trying to break her down. "No don't look at me like that!" the misery in his eyes intensified with every button that closed around him. "I don't like the way they look at me either... but that's the way it is, at least for now buddy." Sitting down on the floor she hugged him close, letting his big head rest on her shoulder.
It wasn't until she felt the first glob of warm drool sliding down her back that she pushed him away and turned towards her own attire for the day. The light blue fabric was covered in cheap stones and pieces of thin metal, it was incredibly uncomfortable but she knew how people loved it when the stones caught the light and glittered like stars as she twirled around on the back of her horse.
Shedding her loose shirt and pants she stepped into the one-piece and pulled it over her hips and fit it snuggly over her shoulders. Looking at herself in the mirror she couldn't help but morn the childhood that was taken from her the moment she put it on for the world to see every shape of her young body.
Twisting and turning blond coils of hair she created swirling patterns on her head, tucking flowers into braids and sticking beaded pins here and there to complete the desired look.
"Ready Junior?" Blue asked, turning to her companion. With one last glance in the cracked mirror they both left her little wagon behind, not knowing if she hoped to see it for the last time or not.
***
The midday heat had been suffocating and had driven Arthur into the shade of the forest util the sun slowly sunk towards the mountains. Dutch had left him only a little while ago and no matter how many times he checked the worn-out clock he'd borrowed; the time didn't seem to have moved at all.
Pacing back and forth aimlessly he let the seconds tick by, mindlessly patting his horse or staring intensely at the lit-up circus on the field. Faint music could be heard and sweet smells of candied apples lingered in the air. If it wasn't for his reason to being there, Arthur thought he might have really enjoyed the calm atmosphere that it all created.
***
The freakshow was done for the night and Blue was overcome with the usual sense of exhaustion that always hit her after a few hours of sitting prettily on her pile of cushions, smiling at staring strangers. Knowing there was only a short amount of tie before she needed to be available in the ring, she hurried across the field to the tent where all of the animals waited. Opening the heavy flaps of fabric she ushered Junior inside. Just as she was about to step inside herself she felt an urge to look behind her, and as she did so her eyes were drawn to the very edge of the forest. She thought she saw something move there but, in the end, couldn't decipher what it was.
Stepping inside she made her way to where the Friesian stallion stood waiting for her, looking at his surroundings with a clear sense of superiority. Ares was unusually big, even for his kind, and knew just how majestic he looked as the light hit his coal-black coat.
"Hello handsome" she whispered, running her hands over the twitching muscles of his neck. As always the stallion draped his head over her shoulder, nestling into the crook of her neck, brining her closer so she could wrap her arms around him. Ares was a very self-absorbed and stubborn creature but he loved Blue and Blue only. She'd saved him from an abusive owner years earlier when he was but a young and troublesome teenager. She raised him, trained him and spoiled him rotten. All in all he believed he was the king of the world and generally didn't approve of anyone but Blue coming close to him, especially not men... if there was one thing, except for being dirty, that Ares hated it was men. If Blue wasn't around to keep make sure he behaved it was safest to stay away from the beast so as to not cause an 'accident'.
"You been good today boy? Huh? No biting?" He snorted playfully in response making Blue wonder if it was a yes or a no, fully believing he that he somehow understood her.
"Hm well... it's a good thing you're cute, now come on, it's showtime!"
Making sure the ornate saddle was fastened securely over his back one last time, she led him out of his pen, said goodbye to the already sleeping dog and zigzagged her way to the drapes that kept them hidden from the cheering crowd.
Forcing herself to breath in and out slowly she prepared for the most nerve-racking moment of the night. Hearing her name she stepped into the glaring heat of the bright spotlight.
***
The clock ticked on ever so slowly.
The sky was crimson red, streaked with pinks' and yellows', the air now chilly against his skin.
Arthur Morgan forced himself to breath in and out slowly, preparing for the most nerve-racking moment of his life. Calling her name he closed his eyes, enveloping himself in the safety of darkness.
***
As she arched her back over the luxurious saddle she looked into the smiling faces staring back at her with wonder. Around and around she went until she came face to face with a man she knew. It took her a few seconds to realize what she had seen, black hair, carefully trimmed facial hair and warm brown eyes.
She let Ares take her around another lap but this time much slower. Plucking a flower from her hair she made him halt in front of who she knew to be Dutch van der Linde. Still upside down she reached out and handed the flower to him, touching the tip of his finger for only a tenth of a second. Quickly she spun around on the horse's back so that she now sat upright. She gave him one last look and rode on, waving to the crowd as she exited the scene.
This was it, the time had come, she would be a freak no more.