JACOB
Can you feel it?
The empty air filling your lungs?
Your eyesight going blurry and you are desperate arms failing to clutch something to save you from this horrible fate?
This week....
Huh! All around me went dark.
The wind of rejection hit my ground hard, blowing my mind away. And each time I try to focus, it all starts again. I start to go numb, crashing around with surface and I start to lose myself.
My eyes kept close; images of my dreadful life radiant in my eyelids and now when I recall those past little happy memories with her, the winds of rejection slaps me on my face. I can feel the darkness surrounding me in a cold embrace and a rush of fear...fear of losing her shoots in my body. My mind yearns for the light she brings to me: the light of hope, the light of love, the light of forgiveness and the light of destiny. But...there's none to be seen.
But now, I found a way....
I found a way to not fight it any longer; for it's easy to be in this darkness than to live my dreadful life. I will let those winds take me away and keep me.
And here it is.
I can hear it clearly, just a few seconds away from the darkness....just few seconds away, so that I can cheat this pain.
I ran up to the highways as the engine roared loudly, reaching up and bolting down the rocks and twigs.
And here I am.
Screeeccchhh.......
Ooooooooowhooo!
The skid breaks hurt my ears as I was pushed against the force. And here I get freed from...the wants and needs to shred myself, and the lurking around nausea.
Here it goes...the unconsciousness penetrating in, the blurring of visions and thoughts, that ache that rose within me. I know it. Just two seconds more to reach the state of critically faint, when all of it will shut off.
What if I lost my eyesight? Would I not see the same darkness?
If I lost everyone near, would they still recognise me?
How will it feel when all of your senses would finally ceased to work? .......Atleast for me, it feels relieved.
And for what it shouldn't? .......To be reminded that I cared for her?! That I would have died for her?! That I would have ran to the edges of the universe to bring her back?! To be reminded that each time I look at her and I think 'I love you', that now...now it will never happen
And I am unsure of deciding which is worse : the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will?!
It hurts a lot...much more than you could ever imagine. When you breathe and realise you are still alive even if you don't want to.
'Suffering!' That's how I would describe it.
Although I believe it's much more than just 'suffering'. It is an abundance of shattered bones, burning flesh and cracked skull. In other words, a painful pain.
...I can feel it, how slowly and gradually I was pulled back to reality. The heavy air seemed agonizing to take in as the time come up close to come back to the world.
Medication. Huh! It heals you.
But to come so close to love and then lose it so violently is something no medication can heal. I held that girl on the day she came into this world. A gift from the God above, who bounded her with me. A new angel on the earth.
_but now, there is no graveside I can mourn by. There's nothing left instead of her fragments that lie within me. My heart is broken and what beats in my chest is merely a mass of muscle that function only with the help of medication.
I hate who I am. I hate everything about me.
"Jacob?" The ice-cold hand touched my forehead. "Jacob, look at me?!" It repeated.
Why in the world am I still alive?
The motor car with speed up about...120 kmph seemed enough to stop the pumping flesh within me. If this doesn't works, then what else will?
I opened my eyes half-heartedly while the two pair of mild-golden-topaz eyes fixated on me.
"Great~" Carlisle trailed off. "I'd gave you the epidural. It would lessen the pain."
But it won't stop. This pain, aches and...burning. It won't heal, even if you try to bandage it with the most preferred things. It will eventually ooze through and stain my life.
"Bells~" I uttered as she sat beside me.
She nods as her hands shifted to my hairs. "Don't! Jake. Don't do this to yourself."
"I will...the day it will stop hurting this much."
"What?"
I smiled. "Giving someone the best of you and watching them choose someone else!"
She flicked away.
I flinched. "_but it never does. Isn't it?" An intense ache rose within my ribs. "Aah!" I breathed. "I hate this~" and laughed.
I can feel 'her'. She's here.
Her smell. Her voice. It's still the same. I could hear those hesitant footsteps, that drags on the floor, still unsure about stepping in.
"Mum?" The soft voice reverberates within me.
Bella stood up. "Take care, Jake. Remember that we love you." She said and walked past her, giving her an assuring nod.
"Jacob?"
Those footsteps come close and pity at my stupid heart, it still flutteres. I flicked to her.
"Still mad at me?" She sat close by my side.
I didn't respond.
No! I don't want to think about this. Not even for a bit of fraction of second.
She held her breath and sat there, confused. "Jacob_I know you would have been better off without me. I know you will too surely find a girl, who would return and provide you with everything you deserve_for I surely, terribly failed at that. But~" She gushed over the words.
_better off without her?! Huh! Okay, that's what she thinks now. I knew she would get the whole 'imprinting thing' upside down. I knew it would all get so wrong.
"~but I love you. I still love you as my own...and I hope that you will let me stay in your life?" She sobbed.
Too many tears rolled down her cheeks and I flinch. I scoffed. "_save your tears for who will catch them, Renesmee, because I have surely lost that right." I said, mustering up and stuffing it with all the faint bitterness I could gather for her. "Unh!" I flinched again. "_am not mad, Ness. I'm hurt. There's a difference! I wish that I could just for a moment, lent you my pain...not to hurt but so that you could finally understand how deeply and wholly you can hurt me."
She shook her head. "I never wanted to~"
"But then here I am...again feeling unwanted; feeling like I am worthless. And even though I'm alive, I feel dead...dead." I crushed my words onto her. "You know I saw my crazy side once_after Bella decided to get married to Edward...and I decided that I would never be involved with anyone that would rip the peace out of me like that ever again. But when I saw you very first time, the foremost thought that appeared to me was...that after this I would never require one. Yet here I am~"
"Jacob, please. Why can't we be best friends...like we once used to be?"
I smiled. "I'm afraid I can't, Renesmee, because I love you. I'm totally and completely in love with you. And I don't care if you think it's too late_I'm telling you anyway." I paused to breathe. "We were so close to fall in love Renesmee but I dunno' know why you ignored all those sparks?"
She sobbed. "Can we not do this?"
"We are not doing anything, Ness. That's a part of the problem; just doing nothing."
She flinched. "We can be friends and do friendly things."
"Huh! Friends?!"
"Jacob, you and I, we have always been there for each other and so, I will always need you in my life."
"As a friend, right?"
...she didn't reply.
"Right!....No. I cannot be your friend anymore, Renesmee."
"Jacob-" She whispered.
"No, Renesmee, I'm serious. I can't see you anymore. No, I don't even want to look at you. I don't want to hear your voice and I am sure as hell I don't want to be a friend!"
Her expression melted; guarded in a way that I am not used to. I flinched again, unsure of what's killing me now : talking to her or not talking to her?
"Now, I think it's time for you to say something."
She blinked. "I don't know...what to say?"
I scoffed. "It's ok. I know what we are and I know what we are not."
She nodded, agreeing with me. "I know--"
"Yeah~"
She stood up. "I hope you get well soon and stop going through this."
No, please. Don't. I wanted to say; reach her hands and take her to the depths of forever where she'll still keep loving me.
"But still remember, I'll still need you to be my friend."
"It's ok, Ness. I won't be the rain in your parade."
She sighed. "Sure-" She said and darted out of the door.
I hate this moment...to wait for the worst to come. I can't hold this weight on me...for now, it's crushing me and I can't keep it up right. My shattered pieces are so tiny bit that I bet it would require an entire lifetime to be put together and still, it won't be rebuilt...for there's a part of me that she would keep with her. Forever.
Huh! Here I lay, thinking about another lifetime when each ticking second seems to hit me as another piercing arrow; when going through another minute feels like walking on molten rocks. And here I talk about another lifetime?!
"I guess...even with all these injuries, Jacob's miraculous recovery would get up discharged from the bed rest soon." Carlisle said. "_but for the time being he must completely avoid phasing."
"Sure-" Billi choked.
"I'll keep a regular check at him. Do not hesitate to call if anything goes wrong." He declared. "_but right now at this condition, he shouldn't be going through all these accidents, at any cost, anymore."
"And what if...he does?" Seth asked hesitantly.
"It could be fatal for him."
I heard entire half minute of silence settling over them and the next thing I knew was...
...that I found another way.
"We'll take care!" Embry assured.
"Hm-" and the pair of footsteps turned to leave.
Renesmee_ just promise me that you will take care of me?..of both of us?
I do.
The words flushed through me.
It's the worst battle that outbreaks is between what you know and what you feel.
A year ago, everything was so different...perfect! And now, when I look back...I feel like Yeah! A year can do a lot to a person.
No. I gasped as I tried to get up trying to catch hold of things and reach-up for the window. Before I crumble into nothing thinking about her, I need to go through this...for it seems more easy than to survive.
The heaviness of my heart pulled me into the darkness I had never travelled before and I never wished to do so. But now, if I pull it back I don't know how long I would keep hold of it.
So I know what I have to do...for I don't have another choice. When your entire lungs struggles for breathe against the ribs of stone and when you feet have lost their wander lust; when your world has become blacker than it ever was and when loneliness cripples in your every thought...I don't know what else choice do I have?
_you took root in me, Renesmee...in a way I will never let another soul to and now, I am broken beyond any medication. There's nothing to replace the holes you left behind and shattered me into fragments, more numerous than yours. So this is meant for you.
I managed to fall out of the window as the splash of cold winter current hit my cracking bones. And I exploded myself into a huge massive creature~
........
I heard, there's a ripping, popping sound as the ligament tears and the quiet breaking of the stick as the crackle of bones reverberated within me.
"Argh!!!"