"ROBS, HAVE YOU seen my Docs? I can't find them anywhere!"
I was rummaging through my closet trying to find the warmest clothes I could; Sebastian and I were leaving Malibu for Maine tonight at six. My heart hadn't stopped pounding since I'd woken up earlier today. Robyn sighs from behind me, tossing a pillow at my butt. I stand up and turn around, face flushed. "You already packed them, you dummy."
My eyes widen in confusion until she shows me the 90% full duffel bag, complete with my Doc Martens. "Oh," I murmur. "Right."
"Alright, come here," Robyn says, patting a seat on the bed for me next to her. I trudge over slowly, sitting down and pulling my knees up to my chest. "You're extra squirrelly today. What's going on?"
I sigh, running a hand through my hair. "I don't know. Is something wrong with me? Because I don't know."
I shut my eyes tightly. "I've imagined this day for years, Robs. What I'd say to her, what I'd feel. How I would tell her I'm much better off and how great it would feel to finally hear her apologize to me."
"But...," Robyn eggs on, pulling strands of hair out of my face.
I open my eyes slowly and tilt my head to look at her. "What if I'm wrong? What if she doesn't apologize, what if she doesn't care at all? What if Sebastian and I are going all this way just for me to get my heart broken?"
"You're stronger than that, Braylen," Robyn argues softly. "I've known you since forever. You're the strongest person I know. Whatever happens with your mom...it shouldn't change any of the emotional progress you've made within yourself. You're gonna be okay."
I can feel my head nodding in agreement before my brain fully agrees itself. "And I'll love you. No matter what, I'll love you. And so will Sebastian."
I roll my eyes. "I love you, too. What time is it?"
She shows me her phone that reads 1:08. "T-minus 5 hours until your plane takes off. And you can honeymoon with your boyfriend all weekend!"
"Robs, please," I practically beg. "Don't make this a thing."
"But it is a thing! I mean, I know you two have come close before but this time things are different. It'll just be him and you. No parents or aunts or friends to interrupt. You'll have him all to yourself."
A faint blush rises up to my neck and a slow smile spreads across my face. "I think that might be the best part of the entire trip, if I'm being honest."
"You're not nervous?" Robyn questions, eyebrows raised. "All that alone time with you and Ash..."
To my own surprise, I shake my head. "He makes me nervous but...I don't know. It's not in a bad way. I feel safe around him. So while the prospect of it just being me and him is scary, I'm not afraid. I love him."
Robyn grins. "I'm happy for you, Braylen. Seriously."
"I'm happy, too," I respond, grinning back at her. And for once, the words are true.
¥
Hayley ends up driving us to the airport since Oba's in the middle of a surgery and Sebastian's parents are busy with work. We wave her off as her car disappears away from the airport, her dainty hand waving us goodbye as we go. Pretty soon, it's just Sebastian and I.
"Nervous?" he questions, lip quirking up into a half smile as he takes my duffel bag from me and wraps it around his shoulder. The action sends a million butterflies up into my stomach, but I squash them down as we walk through the airport.
"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" I wonder aloud and his breathy chuckle fills my ear. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am. When are we going to see her, again?"
Sebastian and I walk up to check in and fill out all of our information before he responds. "Sunday morning. We have all of tomorrow to ourselves. Figured it'd be a good way to keep you calm before seeing her."
I smile, even though the prospect of having all day alone with Sebastian made me more flustered than the prospect of visiting my mom. "Hey, thank you. For this. It means a lot to me."
Sebastian's hand reaches up and he ruffles my hair. "I know. I'd do anything for you."
He says the words casually but the butterflies in my stomach still take flight.
Sebastian and I both go through luggage and security. We packed lightly, him with a small black suitcase and me with my duffel bag that he insisted on carrying. Security, too, was a nonevent as we passed through the metal detectors and found our way back to each other. His hand reconnected with mine as soon as we'd been checked and I realized how cold I'd felt while we were apart.
We'd gotten here early to avoid any mishaps (my idea), and so we had an hour or so to spare as we sat near our boarding gate, curled up in the uncomfortable seats. Sebastian's arm was wrapped around my shoulders and I was leaning against his chest and I suddenly felt whole again. "Do you think she'll recognize me?" I whisper, trying to keep my voice light.
"You think she won't?" he asks back and I can see the etch in his eyebrows as he does.
I shrug against his chest. "It's been nearly a decade. I've changed a lot, you know?"
"Not to me. You're still that annoying little kid that ruined my baseball cap that first day we met. Just slightly taller," Sebastian retorts, pinching my shoulder playfully.
I smack his hand away, laughing. "You're a douchebag."
"That's exactly what you said to me that day, too. I guess some things never change, yeah?" he asks, laughing softly.
I peel back to look at him, eyes glazing over at the sight of his looking at me. "I suppose they don't," I murmur, breathing shallowly. I barely have time to exhale before his lips capture mine, connecting with my bottom lip first with both of his. He kisses me slowly and my neck hurts from the strain, but I don't mind. My hands fall limp on his lap as he kisses me, softly but surely.
I pull away first, blushing as I look around the airport. Nobody's eyes seemed to be on us and I sighed of relief. "The people, Seb," I mutter breathily, pulling away from him and sitting upright in my own seat.
I watch as his nostrils flare and his fists tighten, regret clawing up my throat. I shouldn't have pulled away. I should've just kept kissing him. "Sorry," I mumble.
Sebastian looks over at me, face incredulous before he loops his hand through mine. "I'm not mad at you, B. I just hate the fact that you and me can't feel free to be ourselves wherever the hell we are."
"Hey," I say softly, squeezing his hand before placing a kiss on his knuckles. "I love you. And I don't care who knows it."
Sebastian's face lights up like they always do at those three words. Then, he leans over and rests his head on my shoulder, holding our adjoined hands with his other one and sighing contently. That's how we stay until it's time for our plane to board and then we're off.
It's sort of a surreal thing to watch Malibu disappear through the window. I hadn't left since that day nine years ago save for a few trips around California. This was different. This time I was going home.
Sebastian allowed me my thoughts on the plane ride over and I was grateful. I was sure if I spoke to him I'd break down over some unidentifiable point of sadness and I wanted to spend this weekend with the least amount of tears as possible. So I held my tongue and he didn't complain.
When the plane ride finally ended, I had a better grasp on my emotions. So when Sebastian held out his hand to me, I didn't hesitate to slip my fingers through it. "You okay?" he asks, leaning down so his lips are closer to my ear.
I nod quickly, squeezing his hand for good measure. "Let's get to the hotel. I'm exhausted."
I called an Uber for Sebastian and I and by the time we make it outside, the car is waiting for us. I giggle at the sight of Sebastian's cheeks turning red from the cold. If it wasn't clear he was a California boy, it was obvious now.
By the time we pile into the hotel, I can tell the chill has gotten to him. I hold back a laugh as the receptionist hands us our keys and he blows hot air on his hands before grabbing them. I'd taken over with the bags seeing as he felt as though his fingers would fall off. "It's Maine in January, Seb. What'd you expect?" I ask, not holding back my laughter this time.
"This is funny?" Sebastian presses, scowling at me as we walk the halls to our room. "Braylen, I'm contracting hypothermia here."
I snicker before it turns into a full fledged laugh. "You'd better hope it doesn't rain or snow while we're here, then. I doubt you'd last long."
Sebastian scowls at me again as we reach our room. I'm still laughing as he unlocks the door and we step in, him closing the door behind us. My laughter fades off, however, as I take in the one bed and closed curtains. Nerves fly up my skin, clawing at me just as the cold had moments ago. I glance over at Sebastian who's still warming his hands, not having noticed the change in my demeanor. "If it snows, the trip is off. I swear."
He finally looks over at me and I bite my lip, turning away. "You feel better?" I ask, heading over to the thermostat and trying to ignore the way my voice shook. "I can turn the heat up."
Sebastian clears his throat once. "Um, yeah. That sounds good."
I turn the heater up just a little as I shrug out of my winter jacket. My face was cold but my cheeks were hot. I held little to no hope that he wouldn't notice. "It's almost three in the morning. We should get some sleep," I mumble, not sure if I was speaking loud enough for him to even hear me.
"Okay. I'm gonna take a quick shower," Sebastian states and I nod, my back still turned to him as I fiddle with the thermostat.
"Good idea. It'll help you get warmer f-faster," I stutter as I turn around and take him in. He'd shrugged out of his jackets and stood only in black sweatpants in front of me. My eyes travel down his bare chest for a moment before I swallow hard, running a hand through my hair.
Sebastian smiles softly at me before disappearing into the bathroom. I slump against the wall, leaning my head back. "You're an idiot," I whisper to myself. I was, of course. I'd seen Sebastian half naked a million times before. Why did this feel different?
I take a moment to breathe before heading over to the bed and pulling my duffel up next to me. I had brought nothing other than toiletries and clothes, save for the journal Sebastian had gifted me for Christmas. I'd written small poems in it since he'd given it to me, though I hadn't been able to fulfill his wish just yet. I couldn't seem to write anything about him.
I'd tried, of course. But nothing seemed to be able to word how I felt about him. What I loved, what I hated, how I felt when he was with me, how I felt when he wasn't. I kept drawing blanks.
I sigh and grab a ponytail holder and tie my hair into a quick bun. I shrug out of my hoodie and jeans and slide into pajama pants instead, pulling on a different hoodie instead. I listen to the sound of the shower running as I scroll through my phone, answering texts from my friends and family before shutting it off and just laying underneath the covers.
I sighed against the pillow, turning over and over until I ended on my back. "It's just Sebastian," I whisper to myself, willing my heart to calm down. "It's just Sebastian and you love him."
The shower suddenly cuts off and less than a few seconds later, Sebastian's back out. He's wearing only a towel, his blonde hair sparkling underneath the dim light of the room. He looks over at me and in the moment our eyes connect, I realize that the words I'd just whispered to myself couldn't have been more true.
It was just Sebastian. And I was in love with him.
Sebastian smiles softly at me before rummaging through his bag, looking for his sleep clothes. I kept my eyes trained on him, memorizing the sun spots along his upper back, the slight curve of his v-line as it reached down to his—
"Enjoying the view?" Sebastian asks, his eyebrows raised as he shrugs into a pair of underwear, the dim light and his towel casting a shadow over his body.
I shrug softly, taking all of him in. "I'd be lying if I said no."
Sebastian chuckles and pulls on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, climbing into bed with me. He pulls me over to him instantly, encircling me in his arms. I was right; the shower did make him warm. I nestle my head into his chest but he grabs my chin, pulling my face up to look at his instead. "What are you doing?" I question.
He grins, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "Enjoying the view."