Behind The Scenes

4. Hero

I'm an asshole, how could I have done such a thing? I don't deserve shit, much less her forgiveness.
I don't deserve it, but I need it.
Without her, I feel broken, empty. Fill your emptiness with something else, my stupid part intervenes. It is worse, it would betray the double, including himself, the other more intelligent part intervenes.
I have to explain her what happened, why I did it. But now is not the time, it is too soon, I have to give her time to think and I have to have time to reflect on the bullshit I did.
I will return to London, to my family and friends who will make me distract from all this.
I look at our photos: the first photo, with the wedding clothes, the one of the romantic dinner, those of the screen test... sadness invades me as my face is invaded by tears. This is all a nightmare. Couldn't everything go smoothly? We would go to Los Angeles, choose the house, then go to London, Perth and back to LA. But no, now we are separated thousands of kilometers and nothing can make us reunite in this moment, nothing.
How will I explain this to my mother? She was happy when I talked about her as if she were the whole world, she was happy that I had finally found someone, she was changing her mind from the fact that I would be alone until old age. I don't know what made her think this, but I suspected it too and now I don't know what the future holds for me, if a life full of love, attention, children who bear my surname and hers, or a life as a poor actor, who was once considered a playboy, single to death.
It's not out of fear of being alone, but out of fear of losing her forever, because before I met her I wouldn't give a shit about being alone.
I can't live without her, she is all I have, the reason for my smile, and I don't say it in 'clichés', I really think it, she is the earth under my feet, which at the same time keeps me firm on the ground and makes me suddenly collapse.
I'm tired, I don't want to think anymore for today. I go downstairs and go order a glass of whiskey, I need it right now. I will call her to inform her that I am going to London and that she will find me there.
I have to explain everything to her, she deserves to know.