I never thought I'd miss the snow.
In every store surrounding the city, wreaths are hung and lights are sparkling in a wide array of colors. Each restaurant seems to be playing the same 10 Christmas songs for the winter holiday, but the warm weather and sunburns make it still seem like summer. At my old house, we'd be waking to find a fresh layer of snow blanketing the ground, hoping for a white Christmas. Instead, I'm climbing into my boyfriend's car in shorts and a t-shirt. I can't help but laugh as I notice his coat over his sweatshirt, but I don't dare bring it up.
Last week was the first of the supposed "really cold" days, meaning the high temperature dropped lower than 75°. Louis dressed almost as warm as he is today, but when I told him this weather isn't even cold, he went on a long rant about how my body isn't accustomed to the luxury of his blessed California weather. I almost reminded him that he's not even from here originally, but Louis shot me a quick glare that told me maybe I should avoid it. The ending line, "When you've lived here for over a year you can give me shit about the weather," plays back to me now, so I simply smile and shake my head, earning an eye roll from the driver's seat.
At lunch, Louis and I get to our usual table in the cafeteria before the guys, but one by one, they all meet us there. As Zayn and Alex take their seats, I watch as both Jake and Liam enter the room with their girlfriends. their faces catch my focus as they each say goodbye and head off in separate directions. I can't help the sting in my heart as I watch them go. Does it hurt them to never get to spend time with their boyfriend's friends? How did they take the news that they aren't allowed to hang out with the group? Furthermore, how did each of the guys tell them?
I'm happier than I've ever been with Louis, but I can't help the fear of what will happen when everyone finds out. Louis has been so understanding about keeping us quiet but the weight of the secret seems to be catching up to us.
My thoughts are interrupted by Louis' hand making its way onto my thigh. Immediately I glance at the group, checking to make sure no one can see. I relax under his touch, seeing the guys all lost in conversations of their own.
"Are you alright?" Louis whispers, squeezing my leg to bring my attention back to him. I simply nod and give my best 'I'm fine' smile.
This has become a pattern: something reminding me that the guys don't know about my relationship with Louis; I get lost in thought, worrying that once I come out of the closet I'll no longer be welcome; Louis notices, and I lie to him. Over and over.
I hate that I'm lying to my boyfriend but I can't bring myself to tell him anything yet. Constantly I see relationships go through troubles because one of the partners has an issue with the friends. Subconsciously, I shake my head at the thought. I don't have any problems with Louis' friends. In fact, I like them a lot, and that is more of the problem. I'm scared of losing the only group of friends I have because I just so happened to fall for one of them.
Giving another, more believable smile to Louis, I try to distract myself. Doing my best to focus on the conversation taking place between the other three at the table, I notice them passing around a bright orange paper; a flyer of some sort. Asking what it is now would only give away that I wasn't paying attention before and I don't need the questions that might bring, so I simply stay quiet and hope their conversation will put it together for me.
"Do you think Kyle Hollands will do his skateboard tricks again?" Zayn asks, and everyone laughs, chiming in that they'd love to see the act again.
"It was better than your dance Freshman year," Liam shoots back, and again there is a chorus of laughter across the group. Zayn is definitely the most clumsy out of all of us, his athleticness aside, so even I let out a giggle at the idea of him performing a dance number of any kind.
"You should sing, Harry," Louis says, a bit too loud, causing the laughter to cease.
"Um, what?" I ask, still not sure what we're even talking about. Louis stands and snatches to orange paper from Jake's hands and sets it in front of me on the table.
ANNUAL TALENT SHOW, it reads. I almost laugh as my eyes scroll down the paper. "Show your school pride by presenting your special tricks and skills at this year's Holiday Spotlight Fight," I read aloud, rolling my eyes at the cliche, before placing the paper back onto the table. "No thank you."
"Whoa whoa whoa, wait a minute," Jake begins.
"Can you sing Styles?" Alex questions and I shrink under the eyes of everyone surrounding the table.
"No," I say. "No, I cannot sing."
"He's just being modest," Louis tells them. I have to physically stop myself from nudging him in the ribs. "Harry's an amazing singer."
My cheeks heat up at Louis' compliment and I struggle to meet anyone's eyes. Louis is one of three people, outside of my family, who have ever even heard me sing. Back in October, in my room, Niall, Claire, and Louis is the largest group of people that have ever seen me play at one time. I can't even imagine performing in front of more than three people at a time.
I laugh awkwardly and shake my head.
"You need to do the talent show!" "We wanna see!" "C'mon Styles, sing for us," they all say as I continue to shut them down. The bantering continues until the bell for the end of lunch rings, and then still halfway down the hall. I can't tell if they're serious or they just want to laugh at their friend's failure, like Zayn's dancing, which only makes me more sure that I will not be singing in front of them anytime soon, let alone performing in the talent show.
—
"Grab me that blanket," Louis says as I take the movie we've just finished out of the DVD player, before returning to my place next to him on his couch. The few hours after school are my favorite part of the day because more often than not, my mother and Robin are still working, Gemma is back at uni until Christmas, and Jay is still on swing shift, so Louis and I have both of our houses all to ourselves.
Sometimes I wonder if Louis told his mother about us, and that's why she always has such a welcoming smile on her face for me after coming home from a long day. Surprisingly, I wouldn't be upset if Louis had let her in on our little secret. They have such a strong bond between them that sometimes I find myself jealous of. My mother and I are close, but I feel as though until I can be completely honest with her about everything, we can't have the relationship that we have the potential for.
"Can I ask you something?" Louis mumbles as we flick through channels, not sure what to watch. I lift my head from his shoulder, meeting him eye to eye, and nod for him to continue.
"Why are you so against doing the talent show?" he asks, and I can tell that he's worried about my reaction. Rightfully so.
"Not this again," I huff, sitting up straight and pushing the blanket off myself.
"I Just want to understand, don't you see how good you are?"
Letting out a sigh of frustration I try to find the words to explain. I know he's only trying to be kind, but we've never really talked about my music before, so he doesn't really know how important it is to me. Not even Claire or Niall really ever understood that.
"I don't really show anyone my music," I tell him. "It's all very personal and I'm scared that if someone didn't like it, that would tear me apart. It's all so emotional too. The things my songs say are all the things I have ever been too afraid to say aloud. It would make me too vulnerable, I'd feel naked. Not even Claire has heard me sing more than a few times." Right away, I regret bringing her up as his eyes scrunch closed for the shortest of seconds. It's kind of an unspoken rule between us that I won't bring up Claire, and he won't bring up Nick or any of his other flings.
"I don't even know what I would sing," I say, hoping to undo the last few minutes.
"I just," he begins, but shakes his head, stopping himself. "Strong emotions don't always need to be a secret."
My heart races as I play the sentence over in my head. I can't help but think he isn't only talking about the songs. Immediately I remember my confession while he slept the first night we spent in my bed. Did he hear me? Or is he talking about our relationship in general? Maybe I'm being paranoid and he is genuinely only trying to push me to "present my skills".
I chew on my lip instead of accusing him of anything aloud, afraid of incriminating myself. Before I can say anything stupid, I'm grateful to hear the front door opening, Jay enters with a smile, and quickly the tension in the room dissipates.
"Hello boys," she coos, setting her purse on the cabinet.
"Hi Jay, no work today?" I ask politely before she tells me that it was her day off. From the bags in her arms it's obvious she's spent the free time buying groceries. I stand to help her with the bags before turning back to Louis. His eyes are locked to mine and he looks stubborn. He doesn't have to say anything aloud for me to understand. He's warning that we are not done having this conversation.
"If I say I'll think about it, will you drop this please?" I offer in a hushed tone. His hard expression is quickly replaced with a goofy grin, and I can't help but compliment him.
"You have such a beautiful smile," I tell him and smile as his only grows.
"Only for you, baby," Louis says as he places a quick soft kiss on my forehead and stands, heading to the kitchen to greet his mother. I can only shake my head as I watch him go.