Chyna
⚠️This chapter contains suicide thoughts and suicide attempt⚠️
I just got back in the house from the race and changed out of my suit into some black biker shorts and a grey spaghetti strap shirt.
I am in the beginning stage of a breakdown and possibly a panic attack I'm trying to fight it but I can't.
How the hell did I not know that was Jaxton at all of those races. I hope he doesn't know it's me. At least he didn't act like it.
Oh my fucking god...I snapped at him when all he did was ask am I ok I am far away from it.
I felt sudden wetness on my shirt and I look up in the mirror to see myself. Oh my god. Not now I can't cry I can do this. Tears started coming out even more.
Who am I kidding I can't do this I'm as weak as everybody thinks I am. It's like all the bad things that people did to me and that broke my heart hit all at once. I feel broken all over again.
It's hard trying to pretend everything is ok behind a smile when in reality it's not. It hurts everything that josh does to me it makes me feel less of a person.
It's like I'm nothing and no matter how hard I try people always convince me that I am. I'm tired of fighting him and everyone else. I just want to give up. I want everything to end. As much as I try to live a happy life I can't. I'm sick of it all.
I grabbed my phone and slipped on my black low-top vans and ran out of the house. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. I ran as fast as I could to prince bridge.
Tears streaming down my face and my body sweating bullets. My hair was flying with the wind but my body felt heavy. As the bridge came into view I could see a few people less than ten maybe. It was fairly dark being that it is a little past midnight.
I made my way towards the opposite end of the bridge towards the south side. I made sure I'm at the end of the bridge where I don't think people can see me unless they pass.
I look down at the water and the tides are fast and strong. I'm so ready for this to end. I don't want saving I just want this to be over. I'm happy that I'm ending my pain at one of my favorite spots and close to where I'm from.
I will never forget where I came from. I can't wait to watch over my friends and family. I'm kinda sad that I'm dying before I lose my v card but it's ok.
I took a deep breath and set my phone down where I was standing. I recorded a goodbye video and I hope they find it when I'm gone.
Well, this is it. I'm finally ending this pain. My heart will not hurt or feel broken. I will be at peace. I will have no worries in the world at all. I'm going home where the angels play and laugh.
I will not be alone. I took one more deep breath and stepped closer towards the wall of the bridge. I look down again which I wish I didn't do because I am terrified of heights.
I held onto the railing while looking up telling god I'm ready. I swing my right leg over first so I'm straddling the wall.
Then I swing over my right leg so I'm sitting with both of my legs hanging off the bridge. Well, this is it. Just as I was in the middle of pushing myself off I feel myself being pulled back.
More like yanked back. Feels like a damn bear just pulled me.
The person pulled my back into the shadows so no one can see us. This person's scent smells familiar. It smells like vanilla and honey.
I'm trying to calm my heartbeat and stop crying when I feel the person's eyes on me. When I look up I meet those beautiful vibrant green eyes. Jaxton.
"Chyna," he said in disbelief.
I feel so ashamed. Why couldn't he just let me die? Although he may have just saved me from doing something stupid.
As I looked at his face I could see little emotion in his eyes. He looked confused, sad, and worried. Now I feel bad. He reached up to wipe away more of the tears that fell.
"Chyna what's wrong?.... What happened?" he whispered.
"Can you take me home please?," I asked in a low voice. He got up and carried me with him. The temperature has dropped and it's way colder than it was earlier today. It's freezing out here.
He walked to a cut where his bike was parked. He took off his jacket and put it on me to wear.
"Are you going to be okay riding on this with me?" he asked.
"Yea."
"Here you get in front and I'll sit behind you. Maybe it'll lighten your mood a bit," he said gesturing towards the bike. He put the helmet on my head and the smell of vanilla instantly hit my nose.
As I pulled off I felt his grip around my waist tighten. I smiled at the feeling and decided to take the long route. I need to clear my head fully before I talk to him. He didn't seem to mind the detour so I slowed my pace and enjoyed the fresh cold air and the sound of the engine.
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Jaxton
At Chyna's house
She pulled into her driveway and killed the engine. She turned around took a deep breath. "You can come in my parents aren't home and I'm pretty sure they won't mind anyway."
"Alright," I said following her up to the porch. She has a really big house. I can't say I'm shocked though. With what she wears and what I know about her it's pretty self-explanatory. If only she knew what I know about her.
She went to a cabinet that was filled with a bunch of snacks. I know I like to eat snacks but she has me beat. "What snacks do you want?" she asked scanning the cabinet.
"Oreos and a bag of goldfish," I answered
She grabbed our snacks and two bottles of sprite and headed up the stairs. I followed behind her to her room at the end of the hall. Man, she got it good. She opened her room door and my mouth dropped down past my ass. Her room is huge and very...very well decorated. She kinda puts my room to shame. The crazy thing is I have my own house and my room doesn't look this good.
"Close your mouth your drooling on my floor," I heard Chyna say with a light laugh.
"Damn even my room doesn't look this good and I have my own house."
"Maybe I could come over and help you with a little redecorating," she said spreading the snacks out on the bed.
I wouldn't mind her coming over but I don't mean to redecorate. Jesus Christ, I need to pull myself together. I sat on the bed on the left while she was on the right.
"So you wanna tell me what happened at the bridge?" I asked carefully trying not to upset her.
"Yeah sure. I just want you to promise not to tell anyone. This needs to stay between me and you. I'm only telling you this because you saw me, helped me and you kinda seem like a good listener to me," she answered.
"I promise and no I won't judge."
"Alright. Early after the situation with josh a lot of memories came back...very bad memories. Then when Lyric and Egypt brought it back up it hit a nerve. I'm not good with feelings. The last person who I opened up to took advantage and hurt me even more. I don't know why I'm about to tell you all this but what do I got to lose," she said opening her drink.
I feel intrigued but slightly angry. Who would want to hurt Chyna? She's such a sweet person. Just because she has a kind heart doesn't mean she should be taken advantage of. I would never take advantage of her. I never have and never will.
"Ok, where was I...Oh, yea about the whole josh and feelings thing. Some things happened to me when I was younger with and without josh. Some of the things josh does to me makes me feel less of a person. He makes me think about giving up hope and the will to live. The things that happened before him and after him should not be named. At least not right now.Maybe not ever. Earlier I was at that field because that's where I go to think and collect myself. It has helped me a lot over the years. When I came home earlier it's like everything came back at once.
It's like each situation was happening again at the same time. I went into a panic attack. I wasn't in the right state of mind but I still ran outside and tried to make all the pain stop. I want it to stop. It's driving me crazy. I ran to prince bridge.
That bridge is special to me for many reasons. When I got to the bridge I felt happy in a way. I knew that the pain was about to be no more and I was not going to feel alone anymore. Yea I know I have best friends but they won't understand me. They can't and I'm pretty sure you saw that for yourself earlier.
Anyway I was saying my last thoughts and telling God I was ready and just as I was about to go to the upper room you pulled me away. I'm kinda sad that you did but also very thankful. I'm sad bc now I have to live with all this pain but I'm grateful because you just stopped me from making a big mistake.
Thank you so much for that and sitting here listening," she said as tears started to fall.
I scooted over and hugged her. She laid her head on my chest and put her arms around my rib cage squeezing tightly like I was a human stress ball. I'm not complaining this feels kinda nice. I'm not used to doing this often but why the heck not.
"I know life's a bitch.Sometimes you don't want to be here you just want to be back in the upper room where you came from. Trust me I have been there. Life is a big game and it's either you win or you lose. You we're put here on this earth to find your purpose and make friends along the way.
Although many people out there are snakes there are still some good people...rarely.
However, you must never forget your purpose. If you lose it you must find it. It's like the key to winning life. You want to find yourself, your purpose, your happiness and accomplish your dreams before it's taken away. You only have one life and it can be a while before the next lifetime.
Sometimes your game can get cut short unintentionally leaving you with half of your game tasks done or not complete at all. We all have limited time. We all will be relieved of our pain one day. Until that day comes we have to bare with it no matter how bad it hurts. It's fucked up but it's life. I'm here if you ever need anyone to talk to. I want to get to know you better. You seem like an amazing person and I don't judge.No matter what has happened in the past I'm focused on you now ok," I said running my hand up and down her back.
"I appreciate you very much," she whispered while stopping her tears.
I tilted her head up and wiped her tears. Her eyes were red and puffy. When I looked into them she looked broken and a part of me hurt for her. "I should get going it's pretty late it's 2:25 in the morning," I said checking the time on my phone.
"I know this may sound crazy and dumb since we barely know each other but can you stay? You don't have to but I would like it. I'm going to be home alone tonight and I could use some company. The girls and I are still fighting," she said giving me puppy dog eyes.
She kinda looked funny. Not like ugly funny but like funny. She looked like a high-ass puppy that got a hold of a few edibles. Only because her eyes were red from crying. She still looked pretty with tear-stained cheeks and red puffy eyes.
"Sure I guess it wouldn't hurt." I walked back towards the bed and laid down on it. Chyna scooted back close to me and hugged my stomach tightly but not too tight like earlier. I was a little caught off guard but I wrapped my arm over her back and rubbed circles on it. Not long after I felt her breath become even and heard little snores. I rubbed her back one more time before closing my eyes and falling asleep myself.
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Below are some pictures of Chyna's room. I know it's not the best but I liked how spacious it was. I will show pictures of Jaxton's room later on in a different chapter.
I hope you are enjoying this book so far. Sorry if it seems boring but I am getting to the good stuff soon. In the next chapter let's just say our emotional roller coaster will finally take off.
Remember feel free to send ideas or criticism I don't mind. Please comment and vote I would appreciate it very much. Thank you!
Peace out, Q ✌️😎