"If he knew, if he only knew that I was giving him every chance to put two and two together and come up with a number bigger than infinity."
― André Aciman, Call Me by Your Name
"You're doing it again.", Hermione whispered.
Harry straightened, blushing profusely at being caught daydreaming again. He glanced at her, seeing her watching him from the corner of her eye even as her hand flew over her notebook, taking notes at the speed of light. How she was able to do that, Harry could never understand. It was like her very own superpower.
He quickly averted his eyes to his own notebook, realizing that he hadn't actually written anything and it was already the middle of the class, wincing at the thought of having to ask Hermione for her notes tonight if he was going to pass this class.
Harry could already hear her lecture, berating him for not focusing on his studies, and he just knew she would want to know the reason behind it. She had been bugging him about his absent-mindedness for some time now, and the reason behind it. Harry had been able to avoid answering her questions but it was getting harder to do so. After all, she was the smartest person he knew, and he feared one of these days she would figure it out on her own, and just the thought of someone knowing his secret made him feel sick to his stomach.
It had all started at the beginning of this year. Well, if Harry was completely honest with himself, something he tended to avoid, it had probably started last year, not that he had realized it at the time.
After all, Harry was fifteen and a boy, which meant that even a brush of wind could get him excited most of the days, so when he found himself awake in the middle of the night, sheets sticky and the ghost of a name, his name, still heavy on his lips, Harry had discarded it as a fluke.
It happened a few times after that, but with Umbridge breathing down his neck and Voldemort messing with his head, Harry's nighttime activities had taken a bit of a back seat as he was trying to stay alive.
Then Sirius... Fuck, then Sirius went and got himself blasted through that bloody veil and his dreams became nightmares for the foreseeable future.
It was a couple of weeks into Harry's sixth year that the dreams returned, but this time they came every night. He went into denial at first, telling himself that the long, thin fingers that did unspeakable things to his body were someone else's, some unidentified shape concocted by his hormonal mind, but when the dreams went from hot and heavy to sweet and loving, talking instead of fucking, laughter instead of moans, denial became obsolete.
He was in love. He was in love with Severus Snape.
Crazy, he knew. The hated Potions turned Defense Teacher, the bat of the dungeons, the slimy old git. It was madness, of course, and yet every time Harry tried to convince himself that it wasn't true, he would see him and he was back at the beginning, the vicious circle starting all over again.
It didn't matter that Snape hated him, or that he would probably curse Harry out of existence if he found out. Nothing mattered because Harry knew something that others didn't.
You see, that day when he had accidentally fallen into Snape's Pensieve, he didn't just see his father and godfather pulling a prank on Snape. He saw so much more.
Of course, right after being caught by the man, the first thing on Harry's mind was the 5th year incident, a horrifying realization that his dad and Sirius weren't the men he thought they were taking precedent over everything else he'd discovered, but once he was back in his bed that night, the memories came.
Freak.
That was what Harry had been called for the first 11 years of his life, only learning his real name once he started school.
Freak.
A name Tobias Snape used to call his son since the moment he learned about his magic.
It was ironic, Harry thought, that the man he had hated since his first potions class was now the only man who could understand.
There was more to Snape than anybody realized, except Dumbledore of course, and Harry was finally able to see the man the Headmaster saw all along.
Harry saw him, the man behind the mask, the studious, quiet boy with a desire for approval. After all, Harry knew the feeling, knew how it felt to need a mask, to need to hide who you are and what you want in order to survive.
It was a lonely way to live, and bitterness came so easily. It was easy to hate when you didn't know love, it was easy to hurt when you didn't know comfort. And after the horrible things Harry had witnessed in that Pensieve, it came as no surprise that Snape was who he was.
"I expect a four-inch essay about the transfiguration of the human body and its limitations by next Thursday.", Professor McGonagall said once the class was over, moans of despair following her proclamation.
Harry moaned as well, realizing that he really needed to start paying more attention if he was serious about getting anything more than a Troll at the end of the year, which was to his dismay in two weeks' time.
"Hurry up, Harry! We are going to be late for Defense!", Hermione exclaimed while Ron sent him a look from behind her, telling him to just hurry the hell up in order to avoid another one of her lectures. Harry quickly packed his things, resolutely ignoring the way his stomach fluttered at the thought of his next class before they made their way out of the room.
"Honestly Ron, how..."
He tuned out of their latest argument; his mind preoccupied with the thoughts of certain someone like it tended to be these days.
He was equal parts excited and dreading seeing him again, excited to spend time in his presence even if he knew it was all pointless. Snape would never see him as anything more than his father's son, something Harry sometimes hated him for. All his life he just wanted to be seen as himself, Harry, not the boy who lived or the Savior, but for him.
But no matter how much Harry hated him, the love he felt overweighted it. It was sick, he knew, something was definitely wrong with him for loving someone that did nothing but hurt him, but still, Harry did.
He stepped into the Defense classroom, Ron and Hermione following behind still bickering about something before they stopped in their tracks at the sight of all of the tables and chairs pushed into one corner of the room and Snape in the middle of the empty space, a big scowl on his face as he waited for all of the students to trickle into the room.
"Silence.", the man said as the last of the students arrived, his voice quiet and cold, but still heard as everyone immediately stopped talking.
It was amazing, Harry thought, how Snape was able to do that, command the room without so much as raising his voice. It was something only Snape was able to do, since not even McGonagall, who was their strictest professor could pull.
"Today we will be learning the Patronus Charm.", Snape said, his statement followed by excited whispering.
Harry started in surprise since that wasn't something that was in their 6th-year curriculum and it was in fact a Charm, something Professor Flitwick should teach them, but it was a nice surprise nonetheless. Patronus charm was, in Harry's opinion, something that everyone here needed to know, especially with the War on the horizon.
"It's doubtful that more than a handful of you will be able to master it before the year-end if your previous performance is anything to go by, but you will try."
This was followed by a stern glare, as if daring them to contradict him, like anyone would be stupid enough to do such a thing, Well, maybe Crabe and Goyle.
"Can anyone tell me what is the Patronus Charm?"
Hermione's hand flew into the air, no surprise there, but what was is that a dozen more hands did the same. Harry smirked at the look of surprise that washed over Snape's face before it was quickly gone, a sneer taking its place.
"Mr. Longbottom.", Snape said, making Harry do a double-take when he realized that one of the hands in the air had indeed belonged to Nevill. That was a surprise, even if it shouldn't have been. Nevill was no longer a bumbling, shy boy of the previous years, something that became apparent when he started talking right away, the stutter that had always been present in Snape's presence gone.
"The Patronus Charm is the most famous and one of the most powerful defensive charms known to wizardkind. It evokes a positive energy force known as a Patronus. It is the primary protection against Dementors and Lethifolds, against which there are no other defenses. There are two types of Patronuses: corporeal which means a Patronus with a particular shape, usually an animal, and incorporeal Patronus, which is a lot weaker."
A stunned silence followed Nevill's answer, as every eye in the room turned to the blond boy. Even Harry, who knew that there was so much more to his friend than anyone gave him credit for wasn't immune. It was the perfect answer and judging by Snape's stupefied expression, the man thought so too.
"Adequate.", Snape said after a few moments before turning around and continuing with the lesson.
"The correct incantation is 'Expecto Patronum' but only saying the words would do nothing. You have to think of the happiest memory you have and while doing so say the words. Now, pair up and start practicing. I expect at least a weak shield from each of you by the end of the lesson.", and with that said he turned around and went to the corner of the room, taking a place there in order to watch them.
Everyone did as he said, and soon there were shouts of incantations, as they started practicing. Harry paired up with Nevil, not even bothering to take out his wand since he had mastered the charm when he was barely thirteen years old. Nevill, on the other hand, still had trouble with it, managing to produce a strong shield but nothing else. So, Harry spent the rest of the class helping him, much like he had done during the DA meetings, and by the end of the class, a shape was starting to form every time Nevill said the incantation. They were still unable to see what it was going to be, but what they did know was that it was going to be big.
"Mr. Potter, is there a reason why you haven't done as I asked, or are you just that arrogant to think that my instructions referred to everyone but you?"
The hairs on the back of Harry's neck stood in attention as that silky voice reached his ears from somewhere behind him, making him stop mid-sentence. He closed his eyes for a second, willing his body to cooperate as he turned around to find Snape standing directly behind him, barely an inch between them.
A shudder wracked through Harry's system as those eyes that had been haunting his dreams for more than a year now pierced through him, rooting him to the spot, his mind completely blank.
It was frustrating, the power that Snape possessed over him since just one look from him was enough for Harry to lose all sense. He was paralyzed, unable to move or think, the only thing on his mind- Snape. His hands, his voice, his eyes, his mouth, him.
Him, him, him.
"Since you are so confident in your abilities Mr. Potter, why don't you go and shows us how it's really done?", Snape continued, his voice but a purr, making him almost swallow his tongue as a desire, the which Harry had never felt before, slammed through him.
He nodded and turned his back on Snape, making his way to the center of the room as everyone moved away to stand in the circle, obviously curious to see if the rumors about Harry's Patronus were true. Well, the ones that hadn't been part of the DA, at least.
Harry took a big breath, calming himself as he thought to his most precious memory, his parents smiling and talking to him, but just as he was about to say the words, another memory appeared, this one a dream. Of him.
"Expecto Patronum!", he all but whispered, freezing once the words left his mouth, as the thing that burst out of his wand flew over the classroom.
What the fuck!?
Harry blinked stupidly as he watched an enormous, black raven flying a few circles around the room before slowly misting out of existence.
"That was awesome!", someone shouted, followed by more excited chatter. Harry stumbled back, his head spinning as he tried to make sense of what had just happened. It changed. His Patronus had changed and a horrifying realization of why exactly that was made him almost drop to his knees.
He looked around, seeing Hermione's and Ron's surprised faces before his eyes fell on the man standing behind them, watching him with calculating eyes.
Harry flushed and looked away, thanking all the deities when the bell signaling the end of the class started to ring before he snatched his bag and all but ran out of the room, that piercing gaze like a hot metal scorching the back of his head.
•
"I suddenly realized that we were on borrowed time, that time is always borrowed, and that the lending agency exacts its premium precisely when we are least prepared to pay and need to borrow more..."
― André Aciman, Call Me by Your Name
"Severus... please...."
"Avada Kedavra!"
Time stood still as Harry watched the man that had been his mentor, his family for the past 6 years fall over the fence, the light leaving his eyes as he did so.
Impossible. This is a nightmare, a bad dream.
Harry kept repeating like a mantra, even as he realized that he could move again, Dumbledore's spell losing its power with the man's last breath.
Oh, God.
The next thing he knew, he was running; down the stairs of the Astronomy tower, through the corridors filled with battling witches and wizards, and out into the open, falling down and getting back up again, his hands bleeding and his pants torn up from the falls. And still, he ran, following their voices, his voice, until he saw him near Hagrid's Hut.
"Snape!", Harry shouted, stopping them in their tracks, Bellatrix's mad cackling reaching his ears as she spotted him. Harry paid them no mind; his eyes glued to the figure standing rigid, Snape's face blank and his wand out.
"He trusted you! I trusted you!", Harry continued, not stopping for a second as he stumbled toward him, uncaring for what they could do to him. He was furious, out of his mind enraged as he glared at the man, he'd thought he knew.
He sent out a curse, which one he wasn't even aware of, his mind swimming with betrayal and hurt.
"Get Draco out of here.", Snape commanded as he repelled it and turned towards Harry, his wand now trained in his direction. They did as he said, leaving the two of them alone, as Harry cast another curse in Snape's direction, and then another, his frustration building as Snape effortlessly repelled them while barely moving an inch.
Harry growled in anger. he wanted to hurt Snape, he wanted him to suffer as much as Harry was currently suffering, his eyes filling with tears at just the thought of how wrong he had been.
Everyone had been right about Snape, he was pure evil, and Harry was just stupid enough to not see it. To love him.
"Sectusempra!", Harry growled, remembering the words in the book, for enemies it had said, almost laughing at the thought of using it for the first time against the man he loved.
"You dare use my own spells against me!", Snape growled as he whipped his wand through the air, a blasting curse hitting Harry straight into the chest. He fell down to the ground, his wand slipping out of his hand and rolling away as Snape stepped over him, a sneer plastered over his lips.
Harry's eyes widened as he processed the words, finally realizing the identity of the Half-Blood Prince.
It was him. Of course, it was him.
Harry closed his eyes, unable to look at Snape any longer, unwilling to let him see just how much what he had done has hurt him, as all the previous rage left him, in its wake nothing but desolation. Then suddenly the collar of his shirt was snatched into a tight grip, pulling him from the ground as Harry came face to face with Severus.
"How do you know that spell?", the older man all but growled, his eyes fire as he stared at Harry. Harry though, just clenched his teeth, staying silent despite the wand that was pressed into the side of his neck.
"Legilimens.", Snape whispered, immediately slipping into his mind, and to Harry's horror started sifting through his memories in search of answers. Harry tried fighting back, dread rising in his throat at the thought of what Snape could discover if he looked deep enough until the man suddenly stopped once he stumbled upon a dream.
Oh no, Harry thought as he could do nothing but watch the dream play out, actually feeling the exact moment Snape finally realized. It wasn't a sex dream, thank Merlin for small mercies, but it was nevertheless condemning.
It was the one of the two of them on a couch, in a nondescript house, the fire burning as they sat together. Severus was reading while Harry watched the fire crackling in the fireplace, his head pressed in the crook of Snape's neck while his hand slowly caressed Harry's hair.
It was the same dream that Harry had used when producing his Patronus and just as he thought that, the memory of that class filtered through the memory of the dream, the raven shining like a beacon.
Snape suddenly ended the spell, stumbling back as he jumped away from Harry, his mouth hanging open and his eyes wider than Harry had ever seen them as he stared at the younger boy.
Harry sat up not even trying to reach for his wand as he pulled his knees toward his chest, averting his eyes, the tears that he had been holding back during the entirety of this confrontation finally breaking out.
"Just go. Before they come.", Harry whispered as raised voices started trickling toward his ears, closer with each passing second.
Silence followed his quiet statement so Harry looked up to see Snape still standing there like a statue, still staring. He jumped to his feet, walking toward the man, stopping barely an inch away from him.
"I said go! What are you waiting for! Just go! Leave! Leave you fucking coward! I hate you! I hate you!", Harry screamed, his fists punching Snape's chest as tears flowed down his face, his vision blurred rendering him blind.
And yet, Severus stayed, stood there and took it, staring at Harry as the young man vented his anger, the suffocating grief that he was afraid would be the end of him.
The voices grew stronger, shouting Harry's name, and Harry came to his senses and stopped, stepping away from Snape and wiping his eyes. He turned his back to him, crouching down to pick up his wand before starting to walk away.
"Despite what you saw, if ever see you again, I'll kill you.", Harry said over his shoulder, before calmly walking away from him.