I woke up with Jake's arms around me. Disorientated, I only realised we must have fallen asleep still in his parents' room when my bleary eyes finally focused. Then I slowly propped myself up on my elbows, keeping within Jake's grasp though I was careful not to wake him, and simply watched him for a while. He was so manic in everyday life that I forgot there were times when he was still.
Jake's mouth was slightly parted as he slept, his breath tickling its way across my puny but toned bicep. I tried to be as gentle as possible when pushing back his fringe which had fallen into his face, but his eyes flickered open anyway. It was impossible not to smile down at him as he slowly woke up.
"Morning." he whispered and then yawned.
"Actually I think it's late afternoon." I corrected him.
He withdrew his arms from around me in order to stretch and I noticed that I didn't feel the same sort of loss I felt whenever George would stop touching me. Perhaps it was like we had said earlier, that we loved each other but weren't in love. Jake definitely didn't make my heart ache the same way George did...
We both relaxed back down on top of the bed covers and this time I put my arm around him. The house was silent, which was very unusual. Normally there was so much chaos you couldn't think straight.
"D'you think anyone's here?" I asked him.
"Probably not. After breakfast Bryan went to Leila's, Rich went home and I think Lisa went back with George to his house." He sniffed. "Ms Foster's still not doing too well."
I sighed. "No surprise there."
After a while I stood up and stretched to click my back, then offered a hand to help him up. Together we walked downstairs to the kitchen. The kettle was switched on to make coffee, the Unknown Pleasures Joy Division album was put in the living room CD player and as the first track- Disorder- started to ooze through the speakers we both sat at the kitchen table, lit up cigarettes and stared at each other. I smiled.
"So," Jake's eyes sparkled in their mischievous way. "how was the high?"
I took a drag on my cigarette as I contemplated my answer. "Incredible. I mean, we've all smoked pot together before, but MD... man, that was something else."
"Did you get the weightless feeling?"
"Fuck yeah."
We grinned at each other and it felt amazing. The others would never talk to me the same way Jake did. There was something dirty about it, controversial. George would probably never talk to me properly about drugs and alcohol again, not after what happened to Matt. Rich understood the way I was feeling but wanted me to leave my demons behind me, and Bryan just wasn't about all that emotional talk.
Instead of making Jake wait on me like he normally did, I made the coffee and put two strawberry pop tarts in the toaster. Drinking our coffees in silence, I watched as he practically swallowed his breakfast whole before I pushed my own pop tart towards him.
"You sure?" he asked. I nodded. "Alright man, but if you're not careful you're gonna lose all that weight again..."
"I'm fine."
"I can make you something else to eat if you-"
"I'm fine."
"Wait- just listen to what we've got in the fridge. We've got, uh... guacamole?"
"Jake-"
"Jam?"
"Jake stop-"
"Water?"
"I said-"
"What about an ice cold cup of ketchup?"
"You keep your ketchup in the fridge?"
"Yep."
"You're dead to me." I said, leaning forward and ramming the rest of the pop tart into his mouth.
The pastry crumbled everywhere and we laughed so hard my stomach started to hurt. Then he started to choke and I had to rush round the table and thump him on the back repeatedly. After I'd casually saved his life he continued laughing as his eyes streamed and I brushed crumbs off his shirt with one hand while clutching at my aching stomach with the other. Once he'd calmed down, Jake pushed his chair back from the table and started to pick up the breakfast things. He then proceeded to dump them in the sink where they normally would have stayed for a few days.
"I gotta go pick up the car from Skull- you wanna come?" he offered.
I nodded, not liking the idea of being left alone for too long, and Jake sent me upstairs to shower while he rolled his eyes and started to do the dishes. Upstairs it didn't take me long to realise the shower still hadn't- and probably never would be- fixed. The cubicle door still had to be forced shut, the water still came out in a feeble dribble and it was absolutely freezing cold.
My next hard task was finding a towel. After a few moments I just accepted the fact that I wasn't going to find a clean one and instead sought a towel that I could simply convince myself was somewhat dry. My body convulsed in revulsion as cold, wet material slid uselessly over my already dripping skin and I bit my lip, trying to feel grateful that at least I had a home. Even if it was broken and unclean and came with four other guys and two of their girlfriends.
I decided air drying was just as good as anything else before slipping my boxers back on and exiting the room. In the kitchen Jake tried to ignore the fact that I was mostly naked as he walked quickly past me and out into the hall. His footsteps were soon heard on the stairs and after a few seconds the bathroom door shut, and I wished him thoughts of luck on his shower quest. Rootling through my cupboard of clothes, I simply put on the first t-shirt and pair of jeans my hands landed on, a plain grey top and black skinny jeans with ripped knees. I glanced out the only slightly grimy kitchen window at the sky, its colour making up my mind and I started a search for a jumper. After a while I grabbed hold of a hoodie and pulled it out, straightening up before staring at it for a while.
It was George's jumper- the one I'd worn on the day I almost killed myself.
Pulling it on over my head, I tugged the collar up over my nose and inhaled deeply, pleased to find it still smelled faintly of George.
I jumped as Jake's hand landed on my shoulder. He spoke softly, obviously aware he'd just interrupted a private moment. "You ready?"
Nodding, I readjusted the jumper and together we walked to the front door. Jake grabbed the car keys off of a hook that had been not so delicately hammered into the wall and soon we were out of the house and under the foreboding grey sky. I pulled the door shut and thought for the thousandth time upon leaving the house that we should really invest in some kind of alarm system, considering our lives depended on the music equipment stored within, but then I remembered that some days we could barely afford to eat and pushed my worries from my mind.
We didn't really talk much as we started to walk into town, Jake just filling me in on a few amusing but unimportant things I'd missed during the night out. The closer we got to the High Street the more I felt a need to go and visit my mother, to see how she was doing and let her know that everything was fine between Jake and I. Waiting at our bus stop, I told Jake about my plan and he said we could drive there after picking up the car.
The few people already on the bus got off as we got on so it was empty apart from us, and we sat in the back row, our feet up on the seats in front. Jake rested his head on my shoulder and we stared out the large window in silence, watching strangers rushing around. I wondered how many of them were on lunch breaks from a job they hated. In a way I felt sorry for them; of course everyone had to have a job, but who could possibly enjoy a life stuck behind an office desk? At least the way we worked allowed us to go out and see the world, have new experiences all the time. Thinking about a life just forcing myself to do something boring for hours on end five days a week made me feel more depressed than I'd felt in a long time...
The bus pulled up at the stop round the corner from Skull and we got off, walking close together like it would protect us from the cold air. At the club people were still clearing up from the night before as we headed inside to see if our manager, David, was there. We found him in his office, babbling into one of his seven billion phones, and he held up a finger to make us wait.
Of course Jake- being Jake- couldn't simply wait patiently, and started an intense pantomime to try and make David mess up his seemingly important business call. I had to keep clapping my hand over my mouth to stop myself from bursting out laughing, especially when Jake suddenly leapt up onto the desk and started dancing.
David eventually cut the call, shook his head at Jake, and gestured for us to both sit down in the two chairs opposite his desk which made the room incredibly cramped. We obliged and Jake put his feet up on the desk.
"How're you doing, James?" David asked me, smiling but also looking concerned. "Long time no see."
"Uh, yeah, I'm doing okay." I replied. "You?"
"Yes, yes, good, good." He paused and held his hands up. "I mean, I got divorced, but other than that I'm good."
"Shit, man. I thought you and Jessica were sorting things out?" Jake said, putting his feet back down and looking serious.
"Yeah, well, it's whatever. As long as you guys are all alright, that's what matters right now..." David looked from me to Jake and back again, trying to figure out from our faces if there was something we were hiding from him.
Jake leaned back in his chair. "Why, you got something booked for us?"
"Possibly." David nodded. "It's in a few months, though, don't worry. You've got plenty of time to get ready."
There was a pause during which we all looked at each other awkwardly. I turned to Jake and he stared back at me, and we had one of our silent conversations which resulted in him leaving to pull the car round to the front of the club. It was weird how we could practically hear each other's thoughts...
I turned to David after Jake shut the office door behind him. "Look, David, I'm really sorry that I fucked everything up-"
"Hey," David leapt up from his chair, walked round the desk and sat on the edge in front of me. He leant down and rested his forehead against mine, staring straight into my eyes. "you did nothing wrong, kid. You hear me?"
"Yeah right," I muttered, shaking my head. "I only nearly killed myself, let Matt die and then got arrested."
David straightened up and sighed. "Did George let Matt die?"
I stared at him like he was insane and shook my head violently. "Of course not, he did everything-"
"Did Jake let Matt die? Did Bryan? Did Rich?" David was trying really hard to control his voice. I shook my head continuously. "Don't you think that if Matt could've been stopped he would be here? You can't blame yourself, or anyone else- not even Matt. Or you'll drive yourself fucking crazy. Well, more crazy."
I sniffed and shrugged. "Whatever."
"Not whatever." David said. "You've gotta start looking after yourself. Okay?"
"Okay."
There was a knock on the door and Jake pushed it open. "Time to go?"
"Yeah." I replied, standing up.
I shook David's hand, then Jake lunged forward to do the same and we left together. I could feel David's eyes burning into my back as I walked away. The cold outside air was a shock to my system, as always, and we headed over to the car in resumed silence- but before I could get in the passenger seat, Jake grabbed my arm and span me round.
"Maybe we should get out of here for a while." he stated randomly.
"What d'you mean?"
"I mean... like, road trip. Clear our heads. Just leave until you're ready- we're ready- to come back."
I stared at Jake and he stared back at me. His eyes were really desperate for some reason, pleading with me. It didn't take long for me to make up my mind.
"Sure." I said, nodding. "Let's get the fuck out of here."