Do you like me?
I had imagined myself saying it to him, knowing I will never.
Not in a friend way. In a love way. In a forever way.
That night, we were in each other's embrace, on the balcony. The atmosphere was just right: there was a breeze, not cold, not hot; there was a slow beat in the background, and there was us. Alone.
His palms were cold against my bare skin and our gazes were locked. I was nervous.
"You look beautiful tonight, Cass," he said after our dance.
"I look beautiful all the time," I managed a smirk, trying to be smart, making him chuckle.
"Of course..." Jaxton always knew what to say at the right time. Even when it came to comforting me, he would always leave some food for thought. This time, the look in his eyes was different and I forced my eye contact to stay.
A look. Vel said he had a look. What look? This look?
His eyes shifted to my lips and he opened his mouth, looking as though he wanted to say something. All I could hear was my heartbeat. It was as though we were under a spell.
The spell broke at the slight crease of his brow and his turning head to look down at the gardens, not looking for anything specific. He let go of me and created distance between us.
"So, wanna tell me about Vel?"
My heart sank a little bit but I forced my feelings down. "I... I'll tell you a little." I swallowed, the next bit was going to be hard, "Vel is..."
Being threatened by people like me? Those who hold the blades of Iridescent?
Will Jaxton be able to see past that?
"So?" He waited for my answer.
"Vel's in a tiny bit of trouble."
"What trouble?" I could hear that subtle change in his tone.
"But we solved it."
Whoops, I lied.
***
Jaxton didn't make me leave until I gave him an explanation, which I did, but I was dancing around the edges of truth. Despite so, I still slipped by his grasp and went back to the ballroom where James and Alsa awaited me.
"Where did you go?" James shot, but his eyes were on the food in front of him. He sure did miss me.
"Just the bathroom and wondered around," I placed down my plate of chocolate cake on their table as I spoke. Alsa was not at the table.
"Where's Alsa?"
"She went to grab a drink," James sipped on a clear, bubbly drink himself. While I resorted to drinking lemonade.
"Did you know?" I couldn't help but ask. "Did you know Spark was going to be here?"
James met my eyes, his iris stayed brown, "No, I didn't. I thought he wouldn't have come after that thing he pulled."
"And it was Alsa, wasn't it?"
James' eyes were on me but he didn't say anything. I nodded and said, "I get it if you don't want to tell me."
"No," James put down his drink, thinking, "Alsa actually said earlier that she might explain the previous awkward situation to you. I might as well start with it – but, yeah, Alsa asked Spark to the dance but Spark said 'I'll consider it' but never gave her a reply."
I nodded, pursing my lips, "You know... it was cruel to leave Alsa hanging while Spark came to ask me to dance, but... don't you think what you did is awfully cruel too?"
James almost choked. "What?"
"You're the one stirring behind this?" I leaned my elbows on the table. "Look, things would fall apart anyways with Alsa and Spark. Spark might've never been able to keep this secret from Alsa in the end but you accelerated things, am I right?"
"If you came to the dance with Spark," James furrowed his brows, stifling a cold laugh, "the situation would have been awkwarder than this!"
"Yes, but there's something else," I narrowed my eyes at James and James' iris blinked to sapphire. Given the darkness around us, it almost looked like glowing planktons in the sea. "You personally know Spark and something happened between you two."
James gulped. I was going to let James go on this one, but I wasn't going to let it go before I held him nervous for at least a minute. I felt awfully like I was part of someone's vendetta plan.
I opened my mouth, believing the silence was a long enough suffering for him, but he decided to confess.
"Spark and I used to be friends. He ditched me for popularity and 'cooler' friends. I was a loner for the last two years of high school."
This surprised me. James' personality made me think he would have friends. Loads of them. I did remember that James said he didn't have any friends right now, but I had thought he was being pessimistic, that he wasn't like me. He had Marty, Kristen and the rest of his troop. He looked like he got along with them. While me, I knew people, but at the end of the day, I was alone. And... I got used to it. Sometimes, it wasn't too bad. Other times, I just wished I had someone to hug and talk to.
"So..." I raised a brow. "It explains your attitude towards him but it doesn't excuse this mad revenge."
"It's not some mad revenge!" James argued, taking larger sips on his drink. "I'm not revenging on him. It's not worth it."
"But what's with this Alsa thing?"
"Well, if he didn't do it in the first place, what sort of bones can I pick out of the egg?"
"That is true..." I admitted, drawing my thumb along the condensed glass.
"He's not a good person," James said, glancing away.
"Spark's made mistakes but I wouldn't say he is a bad person."
James' brow twitched and I saw him clench his jaw. He gave me a look which held something like wrath. He pushed his drink to a safe corner on the table and began rolling up his sleeves. I watched him curiously, rather alarmingly. I knew he was trying to prove something to me.
I looked at his two bare arms and almost blurted out my question before I held my tongue. I instinctively went to caress the crest on my arm.
"Where... where's your crest? I thought you've been to the Mirror Palace."
James stifled a bitter laugh, rolling down his sleeves. His voice was quieter than usual. "It's funny, isn't it? Most people take pride in going to the Mirror Palace. It's a horrible place but people glorify it. Why? Because you survived it. You were strong enough... smart enough to survive it."
That's not true... I thought, but I clenched my grip around my crest and tried to recall a time I was proud of owning this crest. Proud of surviving through the challenges of the Mirror Palace. Had I ever...?
"An even funnier thing is when you've been through the Mirror Palace but you don't get a crest," James pointed at himself mockingly. "Someone like me."
"But why... how..."
"Remember the challenge? Find something? It's not asking you to find a special object or anything, it's asking you to find the solution to your fear. Find the solution to the enemies you face in the Mirror Palace. I didn't find it and I almost died in there – bloody hell."
I suddenly wanted to hide my crest.
"It's humiliating."
"It's not-"
"You don't get it," James shot me a furious look before he turned his gaze to his drink, his voice merely above a whisper but I could hear him well. "I thought I got it. I worked so hard. But I wake up in a hospital bed knowing I didn't have a crest. I didn't mind, at first, but people started talking. They all knew it was me who got chosen to go to the Mirror Palace, including Spark."
Oh no...
"Spark and his fellow 'popular' friends decided it would be even better to spread the word," James furrowed. "There has never been a case like me before. No one has ever — and I mean, ever — got to the Mirror Palace and didn't come out with a crest. I was the first and probably, still, the only one who went there but came out without a crest."
I didn't say anything. I wasn't sure what else I could say to make the situation better, but I was shocked to hear this Spark. This didn't even sound like the Spark I knew.
"I feel..." he swallowed, with furrowed brows, looking pained to say the next sentence. His gaze was fixed on his drink, which he didn't touch for the past few minutes. "I felt like a failure."
I waited in silence, for his emotions to collect, for him to be drawn back to reality. When he did, his blue eyes were back on mine, blinking between brown and blue.
"Sorry..." he said, his eyes looking damp.
"There's nothing to apologise for," I said softly, not wanting to ever discourage anyone to tell me about how they felt.
"If you have to say I did this to Spark intentionally..." His jaw moved. "Maybe I did but I just wasn't aware of it. I saw the chance and just... I don't know."
"You're pretty brave to tell me all of this," and I was being honest. If I were James, I'd feel vulnerable and exposed. I probably wouldn't even be able to articulate everything as clearly as James did.
He looked surprised, "I-I am?"
"And, I'm not showing you pity here, but I just want to say I'm sorry to hear that Spark treated you that way. And everyone else."
He nodded, drank his drink in calmer sips now.
"To be honest," I said. "I can understand why you did what you did."
"You... you can?"
"You wanted him to know what you've been through." I trusted James. I didn't think he would lie about the experience he had, the experience he had to use so much effort to tell me. "But I don't think it's healthy for you."
James looked a bit confused. "What?"
"Living with hatred."
"I don't..." he hesitated "... hate him."
"Then, what is it?"
"I..."
"Let's put it with dislike. Whatever you're feeling, it's not pleasant. You see him and you just think 'ew'."
He offered me a faint smile when I said that, and I smiled an easy one back.
"But, as I said, it's not healthy for you. To grow and live with the anger you have inside."
"Anger?" He raised his brows and looked at the night sky. "Cassandra, I don't know. It's not like you've been through what I've been through."
"And how do you know that?"
James was silent, his body was still.
I tilted my head, a playful gesture at my victory, "I might not have been through what you've been through but... I can imagine some extent of it. Multiply it a few times and I might have a chance of getting close."
He placed his cheek on his fist, looking at me with intrigue, "Oh yeah? Go on."
"I used to be angry with the world," I admitted. I wasn't actually sure that I wasn't, still, but I was trying my best to not let my hatred grow. "But I knew I cannot live every day with spite. It'll twist my motives and purpose. And... everything I do would be around my hatred."
"You... hate the world?"
"Strong word, I know," I chuckled at James' expression. "Used to... are the key words."
James thought for a second and then nodded, as though understanding. "What do you hate about it?"
That it's unfair. That people are hypocrites. That people punish each other without asking why, as long as it's not them that's being punished. That people are cowards that refuse to say the truth. That the world... the world forces us to hide away, to take away part of our freedom and call our abilities a sin.
"It's... complicated and hard to explain," I gave a faint smile. "But you know what? I told myself it's not healthy for me. I want to live not motivated by hate but motivated by my goals in life."
"That's the most inspirational thing I've heard in... what? Months? Years?" James laughed.
"I'm your friend, am I not, James?"
James raised a brow and I smiled when I saw his wide grin, "I have to consider it, Cassandra. We have to do a friendship quiz or something. If you get the questions wrong, you're unqualified."
"Wow, harsh!" I teased and lifted my drink to touch his.
The glass made a clink and James raised it slightly, "To now."
"To now."
We both took a generous sip. As we placed down our drink, Alsa returned — and I have to say, exactly at the right time.
"You took ages!" James exclaimed. "Cassandra took ages as well!"
"I met a few friends and they dragged me to the dance floor. Then, I went to the bathroom. I met a couple in the gallery hallway making out," Alsa rolled her eyes, and flopped down next to me, using her hand as a fan.
"You've met them too?" I laughed and dug into my chocolate cake.
"My God, yes! Can they be more desperate than this? And in front of the paintings and beautiful artefacts!" Alsa sighed. "It feels strange."
"Agree," I pushed a plate of chips to Alsa, as James and I exchanged a knowing and respectful glance. As Alsa munched away, James watched me with a genuine look, his blue eyes sparkling in the night, mouthing a silent 'thank you'.
I nodded, feeling a smile bloom on my face. Tonight... was a memory I would cherish forever.
***
A/N
To now, my friends.
Cheers!
L