Killian's gaze travelled to and fro, a small smile tugging gently at the corners of his lips. He closed his eyes and brought in a deep breath, letting the scent of pine and freshly churned soil flood over him. The leaf-littered ground was soft beneath his feet, dew-laden grass brushing against his jeans. Nothing broke his peaceful silence but the song of birds and a squirrel scuffling up a tree. Then...Jasper, huffing and complaining about a bug biting at his neck. Killian turned to glare at him, feeling annoyance curl into an ache at his stomach. He put a finger to his lips, and kept walking.
Following more hesitantly, Killian could see Jasper's eyes flickering about, always alert for any sort of danger in the woods. He knew as well as anybody that Jasper was very much uncomfortable among unfamiliar grounds, which only made sense. Killian wasn't exactly keen in unfamiliar places either, but the forest was different. Navigating woodland wasn't so hard when you knew what to look and listen for. "So," Jasper's voice was barely above a murmur as he finally caught up. Killian barely held back a snort of amusement when the other man asked, "What are we doing here, exactly?"
"Nothing." Killian replied bluntly. His eyes were pinned to the ground, his mind racing. Ever since he'd found Nora's body in that barn, ever since Tom had just called her a body, he'd been thinking to himself. What would he be when he died? Would he just be a corpse for somebody to throw away, for the vultures to pick at? Would he become one of those monsters and need to be put down by somebody? Who would he be?
"You're thinking about something that's bothering you." Jasper said. Killian looked up to see the other man's lips twitching into a comforting smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners and his brows lifted. "Is that why you wanted to talk, just the two of us?" Swallowing back a hard lump in his throat, Killian nodded his head. Jasper was infuriatingly good at reading him, something that not a lot of people could do. Maybe that's what made them such good friends.
As he watched Jasper stuff his hands into his pockets, a break in the trees let in the orange glow of the setting sun. The other man's blue eyes brightened, his dark hair gleaming with lighter caramel-chestnut highlights. He was handsome--that thought had been invading his mind for a long time, but he'd never been able to place it until that moment. A warmth flooded his cheeks, butterflies making his breath hitch in his chest. "I don't want to be just a corpse, Jasper." Killian said quietly, his voice barely loud enough to be heard above the crunching leaves beneath their feet. "I don't want to be kicked aside anymore."
With emotion swelling in his voice and making it huskier, Killian felt the familiar heat of tears behind his eyes, but he forced them back. Strong people didn't cry. That was a fact, something he'd been taught his whole life. "Everybody here had a life to live before all of this. Even you, you had a family. But...I didn't. I never got that chance to be...something." His lips curled into a small snarl. "But I guess life isn't fair," His voice shook, "Is it?" Just feeling the other man's eyes on him brought a heat to his cheeks, anxiety squirming in his belly. "Maybe I'm just rambling." He mumbled softly.
Stiffening as he felt the weight of somebody's arm over his shoulders, Killian relaxed immediately when he saw Jasper's encouraging smile. "Killian, you don't have to worry about that." He said softly. At first, Killian felt indignation rising in his chest, but it quickly turned to pain as Jasper said, "You're already somebody to me. You're strong, smart, brave," He chuckled, "Stupidly brave." The hair tuft fell in front of Jasper's eyes as he added, "You might be grumpy, Boy Scout. Hard to get along with, prickly as a hedgehog. But Killian," Jasper paused, lifting Killian's chin. "You're all mine. As long as I'm alive, you will always be something to somebody, and nothing will ever change that."
With a lurch, the tears spilled over Killian's eyes and a sob escaped his chest. He couldn't hold them back anymore. He silently cursed Jasper for that—being able to make him cry, all of those emotions he felt when he was around him.
Pressing his face into Jasper's palm, all of the turmoil and storm of emotions he had felt for the past week spilled over into a stream of tears he'd attempted to hold back. Killian sniffled as Jasper gently wiped away the drops on his cheeks with his thumbs. "Sometimes it's better to cry than keep it all pent up, Boy Scout." The man said, his deep voice lowered into a soothing murmur.
Shaking his head Killian said, "But strong men don't cry." Everybody knew that. Right?
"People don't cry because they're weak, Killian." Jasper said, his brows knitting together. "They cry because they've been strong by themselves for too long."
A burst of emotion filled his chest. Nobody had told him that before. Maybe it was true, he didn't know, but Jasper had never lied to him before. If it was true, Killian was tired of being strong by himself. He was exhausted, even.
"Jasper," Killian sobbed softly, pressing his body against the other man's. Jasper's name was all he could manage to say, not being able to think of anything else. He nuzzled his face against Jasper's chest, gently grasping the man's shirt in his hands. He didn't want to let go. He didn't ever want to let go, and nothing could make him.
Killian's knees felt weak, his head light. All of this pent up anxiety was finally being relieved. Strong arms wrapped around him, and Killian felt Jasper's chin on the top of his head, a gentle hand running through his curls.
When he reluctantly pulled away, Killian felt a smile spreading across his lips. For the first time in a long time, he felt happy. His smile slowly faded though, his gaze drifting towards the ground. "But what about the others? They hate me."
"Hey," Jasper said with a grin, "If they don't like you, then there's just more left over for me, yea?"
A laugh bubbled up from Killian's chest and he playfully shoved Jasper's chest, sniffling and wiping away his tears. "You're annoying, you know?" He said shakily.
"Mhm," Jasper replied, "But you love it."
"Shut up," Killian laughed.
Jasper gasped dramatically, "Oh my, he actually laughed. My goodness, who are you and what have you done with my favorite person?" He growled playfully, "If want me to be quiet you'll have to make me."
Without another thought, Killian jumped at Jasper, wrapping his arms around the other man. Jasper fell over, and the two rolled over and over in a bundle of laughter and playful banter. Killian managed to jump up and latch himself onto Jasper's back, holding on tight. Jasper suddenly flopped over onto the ground, "Looks like you got me." He said. "Bleh," And proceeded to play dead.
Killian let out a dramatic squeal as Jasper groaned a few seconds later and sat up, a playful snarl wrinkling at his nose as he grabbed onto Killian's leg. "Yum yum, food for the dead."
With a sigh Killian responded feigning defeat, "Oh well, I guess it's time to die."
Jasper chuckled and sat up, poking Killian's cheek, ignoring how Killian smacked his hand away. "You're supposed to act scared."
Snorting with amusement, Killian stood up and nudged Jasper with his shoe. "Come on, I'm starving. Let's get back home." Jasper stood up, and Killian snickered, stretching onto his tip-toes to pick out bits of leaves and sticks stuck in Jasper's hair tuft.
"Am I presentable now?" Jasper asked, raising his brows. An infuriatingly handsome smirk crossed his lips. Killian rolled his eyes and just grabbed Jasper's hand, heading off back towards the farmhouse, feeling much better than he had been before entering the woods.
❖ ❖ ❖
Dinner was comprised of a deer Casimir and Samantha had caught. Not wanting to ruin his good mood, Killian had gone to eat his dinner upstairs. Jasper had prompted to stay with the group to his annoyance, but it only made sense. It wasn't like Jasper was abandoning him anyways, the two slept in the same room. He'd have to come see Killian whether he liked it or not.
While eating, the gears in Killian's mind began to turn. Everything he'd felt in the woods that afternoon had been building up over the course of a few weeks, but with Jasper, he'd been able to let all of it out. Nobody had been there to judge him; when given the opportunity to, Jasper hadn't judged him either. He always felt better around the other man, always got that warm and fuzzy feeling in his chest. At first he'd hated that confusing emotion, but now he didn't mind it.
Whatever Killian felt towards Jasper, he knew it wasn't bad. Unlike those first weeks they'd known one another, when Killian had been terrified and cynical of Jasper. He remember the hair-raising chills on his arms when he woke up after being stabbed, only to see a strange man—who was much bigger and more muscly than him—casually watching him as he lay unconscious. Even though those events hadn't taken place so long ago, it felt like a whole year had gone by since then. Not to mention the fight with Renier's gang...the fight where Jackson had shot Jasper.
With that train of thought, Killian's mind wandered to what had happened that night. He remembered Jasper being dragged inside, laid on his back. Cohen taking Jasper's shirt off, pressing hard on the wound. Not finding an exit point for the bullet, then Jasper's agonized, torturous screams as they went fishing for it while the others held him down. Killian had to be held back by Aubrey. He remembered every word of what he'd said. You're killing him! He'd yelled. Seeing Jasper's pale face, dull eyes and hearing his desperate wheezing was not something Killian wanted to remember, but something he remembered regardless.
The things he'd said to Jasper when the other man had been barely conscious were, to Killian, embarrassing. If you die, know you're the best friend I've ever had. Among the other things like, I won't forget you, and, Thank you for saving me. The countless hours he'd spent just talking, apologizing for every insult he'd ever said, crying. Then the anger and resentment once Jasper had been okay. You're an idiot! Why would you do that? The, If you died I never would have forgiven you.
They'd had their first argument that day. An argument that had them both shouting, trying to get the other to understand why they were upset. Jasper couldn't understand why Killian would be so angry, so hurt by the fact that he'd nearly gotten himself killed. In Jasper's mind he'd been the hero to catch a bullet for their leader, but in Killian's mind, Jasper had been willing to leave him behind to save somebody else. It had taken several minutes of anger, bewilderment and indignant shouting for the two to finally calm down.
Jasper had been the one to stop the argument, when Killian had been reduced to almost breaking down and panicking. That's when the other man had learned how scared Killian really had been to lose him. They'd been silent for a bit, until Killian reluctantly sat down next to Jasper and muttered an apology for yelling.
Feeling his eyes growing heavy, Killian stretched and yawned. It had been a long and satisfying day. Tomorrow would be even more exciting as the patrol group went out exploring. Maybe they'd even find a new place to live. With that final thought, Killian curled up in his spot on the bed and nuzzled into the pillow. That night, he dreamt the swaying of forest trees and the trickling of a peaceful stream.