RENESMEE
"Embry_!" Jacob shouts. "Embry, if you take another step ahead_I swear I won't have second thoughts!"
"She has the right to know!" The gruffed voice replied.
"Oh_and you choose to be the one to tell her?!" A small laugh followed.
"_only because you haven't...yet!" The words escaped, gritted under the teeths.
The footsteps crew closer.
"Embry? This is not the right time." The voice snapped.
"If you would ever do this Jacob, then do it now!" The voice sighed, as it continued to walk. The footsteps count was a pair of feet that dragged up angrily, yet hesitantly to my room.
I sighed.
"Renesmee-?" A light thud was pressed against the door that swung opened, while I sat on the bed that held me in a place when I felt like I could float away and no one would even notice.
"Hey." Embry hesitated. "How you hold'in it?!"
I blinked and didn't responded, for if I let anything out I wouldn't be able to put a stop without ending up...insane.
"Renesmee?" Embry stepped in and sank on the chair kept beside the bed. "I know you've been through a lot in these_past few months. You have seen and survived several raises and falls...but; there is something that I think you need to know."
I nodded; so slightly that made me unsure if he had even observed it.
"Um, I don't know how to start but~" He leaned forward. "There is a wolf thing called....'Imprinting'. I guess Jake should have told you earlier but_better late than never!"
Breathe! I reminded myself.
"It's through this we are_I mean_we wolf's find our mates. Our soulmates." He flicked away.
My hands crushed the bed sheets underneath so hard that it would get inside me. The colourful flashes of lights popped in my eyes, as I focused on my own shallow breathes.
"The only to whom...whom we are bounded for the rest of our existence. We have no clue but when we see her, out-of-the-blue we get to know how much they'd mean to us. Uh_At first, we don't even know it's happening, it all just starts_irrespective of one's own will and we would never guess it would lead us to this~" He thought for right words. "~this beautiful phenomenon! But when we look into her eyes, our mind starts to concentrate on the only person 'her' and nothing else~" He shook his head.
I suppressed everything that builds inside me: the anger, the scream, the urge to hide_everything.
"...It's the closeness, that bond_of how the path of two stranger crossed changes and affects their life so much. How an accidental clash of two world feels the most beautiful thing that could possibly ever happen. We find our another integral part that we didn't even knew existed and in 'her' we find that someone we could never believe can be...real. She just blends into us so deeply and seamlessly that leads to pressure...pleasure so intense, that giving what she wishes and to protect her becomes the most important for us."
I flinched as my lips hung slightly parted with each other in disbelief...we blend into her so deeply and seamlessly that leads to pleasure. His words echoed around me. Why is he telling me this? My mind gets fogged up thicker than a hair spray. Why would I need to know this? My eyes burned with the water oozing out for I realise I hadn't blinked my eyes for about 2 minutes.
I finally blinked the twice.
"We feel the gravitational pull towards her...like the universe and all the galaxies had a talk and said 'yeah! It's time."
I flinched again.
"Renesmee, I know it's hard to believe on something that sounds so magical in words...but she feels 'the core' of our earth that keeps is grounded and all we could think of is...how lucky we're to have fallen into 'her' orbit to circle until our last day."
He flickered down for a brief glance on the floor, where the dispute in his mind was so apparent that my head swam with half-formed-regret for not being able to respond.
"It's strange how we describe the beginning of love as 'falling', when in fact it's the end when we fall. Love raises us up, and...and higher than we dreamed is possible." He smiled.
The not-so-quiet-willing-to-believe monster's within me replied : and the higher you go, the greatest the fall is, when it's over. My heart shrinked and recoiled with a sudden pump that made me wince.
"Nesmee_I hope you take it all in with good faith; there is nothing forced about it. It's all natural and~" He broke off as the word surged within his mind. "~and I deliberately believe that you need to be aware of_"
My heart reacts the same as his words were delivered: slow...then rhythmic...hammered loud and now it skipped a beat.
"_of you're Jacob's imprint."
I staggered backwards and shut my eyes drifting between nightmares and reality; trying to decide which is worse.
There is a wolf thing called_imprinting...we find our mates_soulmates ...she blends into us so deeply and seamlessly that leads to pleasure...aware of you're Jacob's imprint!
I gasped as my eyes popped open wide, that felt would now fall out of the sockets.
All drenched I sat under the shower that felt like an everlasting rain... that drips through me, washing away my pain, as I wait that I would too float with these conjuring drops of water. And I prefer it...for atleast I could console myself that I'm not crying alone. And it hurts. More than anyone could imagine.
"Renesmee?" The voice yells. "Renesmee!! Don't do this to yourself_please." It pleaded, but still I sit here like an untied lifeless puppet. "Renesmee! Open the door!" The thud against it grew louder.
Nothingness.
Nothingness is dangerous. It's addicting. For once you feel it, you don't want to deal with anything after it.
"_honey don't let yourself fall alone like this. Come out dear." The ice-cold feeble voice said.
I'm not alone. I wanted to respond. Here, these water droplets_hundreds, even thousands of them are falling off with me. I feel this; this pain and the burning brokenness of sea trapped into those droplets that falls beside me.
"Just...just open the damn door, Ness! Please...or at the very least just stand aside, because on the count of three I'm gonna kick this off!"
"...what if she gets hurt?!" Another voice protested.
"There's no other option!" The words escapedunder gritted teeths.
My thoughts aren't normal and I know this. In another next second I would've to face him, face everything and- get teared up into these droplets that washes away my pain.
Jacob! He is here now and he hadn't left since the day I lay down in this room...all numb...lord knows how long.
Hrrk! The force shook the door.
"Slow down!"
Argh!
...and here the lock tripped on the floor; broken and useless...just like me. The door break in open and the two shadows came closer, ripping me away from these tiny droplets.
"No!" I gasped. "Don't. No." I protested in vain.
"Shshh~" The cold hands were pressed on me, as it dragged me out of my comfort. Huh!
"_put her on dry pair of clothes!" The hands hurried to lay me on the bed.
"Go!" Rose ordered, glowering at him as he stood there impassive.
"I'm not leaving her again with you."
"Jacob_go! She needs to get dressed before she grows even more...sick." The voice was altered into a loud stern.
I hear the fuming and angry growls that emerges within the huge shadow.
♧♧♧♧♧♧♧
...all dried up and dressed, I lay here back again.
Could the clock move slower?! I glance up for the hundredth time today and realised yet another four minutes have passed since I last checked.
Well, that answer's. Yes! It apparently can move slower.
These last days had been so terrible. Take me away from here please. I begged.
Hands on my clock moved slower, and the longer I stare at them, the more slow they move -mocking me, slowing down with each tick of their hands.
I lay my head back on my pillow, blocking out everything; even Rose and Jacc... I struggled to think of his name, screaming and yelling back at each other; blocking out everything -even my own breathes.
...but I don't like the silence even. It's haunting.
"She should be sleeping after I left?"
There was a minute of pause from the distant outbroke fight.
"Yeah! I know she was supposed to rest. But I never knew when she got up and went off from there."
"_you never knew?!"
I shook hard as the voice ached and pierced, searing another hole in me.
This is all my fault! I wondered. My eyes flickered to the window. But the darkness outside was the only thing I found. The sun had disappeared; but why didn't it took me away? I don't want to survive anymore...atleast not being the messed up liability that I currently am.
Yet still! I laid here, with the heavy-unwanted-liable me and those writing also laid beside me, opened up like an exposed wound and my hands sneaked up on them.
...What if I made the wrong choice?
~Renesmee
The last word's said. I started...
No, not broken. I'm not broken.
...I'm defeated.
What I feel right now is purely defeat. I'd spent months and months fighting against the inevitable; pushing against the current that was too big and too brave to face alone and now, I've been swallowed into it with no life beats in sight. And I've lost myself.
Now I look for myself in other's to find myself back.
But how could I?! How would I?! For if the sun climbed into the moon, there would be no light. It won't come back.
Being alive yet lifeless is as empty as death. Affliction can pull the life from your bones and move it to another world. It can make you forget that your heart was ever once unbroken, filled with love and compassion.When grief sits with you, it's tropical heat thickens the air, weights you like your own flesh.
Here, I write this and think_How can a body withstand this? How will this tormented heart ever find a way to love this liable life again?
It's hard to learn, that no matter how good you can be to somebody, bo matter how much you love them, they can and will break everything you've built and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.
I wish I could explain about how everything in me is shattered. I can feel this....it flows in my veins, that I'll never be that me again.
~Renesmee
"...you would probably find it in Carlisle's clinic. Go get it!"
I could here the voice that continued to talk about far flunged.
"I said it before, I say it again. I'm not leaving her!"
Rosalie sighed. "Jacob, after she takes it, she'll rest with ease..." The voice broke off. "She needs it!"
My head throbbed but after the space of a single minute I heard the footsteps leave. I flicked to the clock again, one-hundred-and-oneth set, and finally it shows twenty minutes have passed, even so I'm still breathing.
...maybe still holding onto something that would take me away from this awful survival. Maybe waiting for some miraculous-dreadful-footsteps that would compel me to follow it, so that after a few miles I would end up being lost_for that feels better than being broken and still couldn't do anything about it.
"Renesmee~"
No. I gasped. I can feel 'him' near me, the way ... the way I can feel the fire's presence in this cold room.
He's here.
What am I supposed to do now? I know he's here. I can feel him around me.
My breathing turned shallower with each passing second. I tried to breath again but the air just didn't go in, like my lungs were surrounded by metal bands and the next comes...the rising panic, the dizzy feeling and the need to get away from here. I felt as if my lungs were slowly filled with water and there was no space left for air.
I took up some energy to get out of bed but still with every moment, there is a wheeze of air escaping from a deflating balloon metaphorically me.
"Renesmee?" The harmonic voice breathed.
"Okay, fair enough_but you know I can hear you breath; and I can still look at the innocence on your face. Also for a moment now, I can the see the smile that you are carrying deep inside you and I swear it's setting every string of mine on fire but_"
I took a step suppressing even a slight sound that rose within me.
"_and now as you step closer, my heart skips a beat and right at this second I want nothing more or less than being able to see you. Renesmee, open the please...before I end up here, dead."
"Stop this please, just let me in?!" He whisphered.
I struggle to react; my stomach knotted up...... breathing rapid and shallow as the pulse pounded loud. I reached for the lock; even after all the reasons not to do this out broke within me, yet I owe the next step. As the door swung open, we stared at each other in an odd way; as if there goes a silent argument. I sobbed. And the next thing I knew...
He slammed his lips to mine and nearly knocked all the air from my lungs. I hardly had a moment to react. My eyes closed in fear but the closure didn't let me see the darkness; it instead created colours of fondness. My nerves began to relax and then I realised it was too late to resist, for I could no longer fight against the thoughts that were going through me.
And so I kissed him back.
Where the world fell into the spinning silence. All that could be heard was the sound of his soul crashing on my lips. I could smell the flooding sense of him into me, where my mind repeated the same words over and over 'Don't do this...don't!' But the sound of my heart was beating so loud that faded it into stupor. This felt true, as the sparks between us flowed in every direction and the world slowly disappeared, along with the aching worries within me.
He pulled away only an inch, as his hands still covered my face and our forehead rested against each other's. Both of our breathes shaking. He looked down at me, our glances battled each other.
"Thank you." He said, his voice lower than a whispher.
"Forr-?"
He sighed. "For being you."
I quivered in an attempt to force the word's out from my vocals. "Why did you do this?"
"_for I don't know what else to do, when an absentee father comes back into the life of his shipwrecked child." His eyes solidified into a crevasse in glacier that was seconds away to trip over.
I pulled away in disbelief. "You met your father_?"
He paused and then nodded.
I blinked. "I'm so sorry!" I whispered.
"Don't." His arms reached for me. "I am truly sorry, Ness." He broke off.
I pursed my lips, as he'd called me 'Ness' for the first time that sounded so harmonic words from his mouth.
"_for what I did to you. For everything I feared would happen has happened and no matter how much I tried to prevent this, I found how gradually I made it worse. But~" He flinched. "~do you think it would be easy telling you about my past? Do you think it would be painless cutting myself open and letting the ugliness spill out?"
He gushed over the words so fast, that it made me strain my senses to understand what he did really said.
"I took the risk because I wanted to be with you." He whispered into my hairs, as my breathing continue to sync in with his, rhythmically.
He cupped my face again, and my breath caught at the look on his face when he glanced at me.
"I'm...I'm obsessed with you, angel. Addicted to you. You're everything I've ever wanted or needed. You're everything I've dreamed of. You're everything. I live and breathe you. For you." He paused. "And I only hope that maybe someday you will feel the same way about me, but would you_?" He broke off. "I feared, that would you love me if I showed the insecure, ugly and heartless me?" He uttered with unmoving lips.
I flicked away from him.
He sighed. "Renesmee, I know I...I should have told you before and maybe now I don't deserve anything from you but~"
"No. Please~" I prompted. "~don't say that!"
His hands gripped mine. "No, I owe you an...apology, apology for everything I have done until now and a promise to never repeat it ever again."
I nodded and tried to pull away.
"Renesmee_?" He held me in a gentle grip. "Why are you so scared of coming close to me?"
"For there is a whole universe inside you and I'm just a little star." I broke off. "What if I lose myself in you?!"
"Then I promise to place you at the peak and admire you_" He said. "_for everything about you is important. The little thing you say or you do, the secret you fold behind you beautiful brown eyes, the dreams you have even the words you speak. It's who you are: the brightest light of my universe, and I want you to know this!"
My lips twitched, as he smiled with me.
"I hope so you are_" He broke off mid sentence, as if he's unsure about whether to complete his words or not.
He hopes I'm what? The confusion registered my face.
"Okay?" He prompted, that seemed more like the flip of a topic he decided not to start.
I hate the way he so connected to me. The way he knows what I am feeling and thinking, when even I don't.
I shrugged. "I am...sort of." My brows pulled together as I flicked to the wall that was easier to focus on, than those deep blue eye I was alluring terrified to look at.
"Sort...of?" He asked, prolonging.
I nodded. "Yeah! This feeling; it's like a burning in my chest when I push myself off limits, and I hate it. I've not felt this way in so long and I never wanted to feel it again yet I~" The sound of defeat was clear in my voice, and it made me stand low in front of those harmonic words.
"Come here~" He reached for my arm and pulled me close, as he shifted me to my bed and sat beside me, as I still remained embraced into his arms. "Tell me how you feel and_?"
I folded my legs as I shifted my weight entirely on the bed; even so his grip didn't let me go. Also I did not want to fight anymore and it sort of felt good....really good. Once I was done, he sighed and continued.
"What are you thinking?"
I breathed. "I don't know_for anything that I'll say probably won't make any sense." I shook my head, not wanting him to know just how crazy have become during these last few days. "You say_how you holding up with all these fatherly things?" I asked, my voice sounded shaky.
"It's been awful for~" He says, as he stroked my hairs. "_the child who was abandoned by him even before he was born. But for me....it was~" His perfect harmonic whispers drifted away, slowly fading_as if the time for the heavenly world is up and we all are obliged to go back.
I saw this darkness that came closer, as my eyes shut close.