...
"Don't lose the spark that makes you, yourself"
...
Once they completed their promotion weeks of the new album, they got a day off. A day off in which is necessary yet unnecessary.
A day off for Jin to think.
On the day they were back after their one day of break, they didn't expect to be greeted with Jin looking at them with those eyes.
They knew something is wrong with Jin, something is greatly wrong with the situation. They didn't like this.
There are tears in Jin's eyes. Closing his eyes for a second, Jin blinks his eyes open again, trying to suppress his broken state so that his voice will not come out fragile.
"I can't continue this anymore not when this place constantly reminds me of how useless I'm throughout the years since I first step here until now."
"Not even once stopping from reminding me about that. Not once. I have accepted the fact that I'm the useless one here. I admit, all my flaws."
"I want to be free from this feeling. The feeling that always makes me forgetful of how amazing I am as my own person. I fought hard to be free from this, I don't want to be constantly reminded that I'm useless. I don't want to think I'm useless until the end."
"This place has given me so much pain, the most painful memories in my life. Numerous times falling down and standing up again on my own."
"It was hard. It was so hard, I wanted to give up every moment it happened. Don't even think of giving me any comforting words, not now, not forever."
"I know what it is. I know I will never be as colourful as you are, I know I will never be able to be what you wanted me to be, I will never be able to be what they wanted me to be."
"I want to live freely. I want to be free from any pain. Throughout the years, I've been nothing but in pain. They told me I'm improving but each time, no such thing as chances for me to shine happened"
"You told me I'm getting better, you told me everything that comfort me but in the end, what I feel was the same every time when we work on something"
"Maybe this sounds so ridiculous to you but not to me. The whole thing has damaged me enough. Don't worry about me, just do what you always wanted to do."
"Keep running forward, never stop and giving up like me. I've put a stop to Bangtan's Jin but I still want you to know that I treasure every moment I was with you."
"Don't look back for me, please keep running forward. I'll be alright on my own. Trust me."
Jin wipes his tears that fell from the corner of his eyes after saying the words. This Jin looks so much in pain.
The whole situation wreck Bangtan so damn much. Each words being said by their eldest were the evidence of how much it pains him. The evidence of how damaged he is with the words everyone poured to him throughout the years.
The moment Kim Seokjin walked away closing the door of the dorm, the door of their own self shuts as well. They are numb all over their body, they didn't know what to say or what to feel. They're so numb to the point of not knowing how to react to such situation.
Certainly they are hurt. They are hurting knowing that Kim Seokjin was hurting all those years. Both Kim Seokjin and Bangtan's Jin was hurt.
They saw him smiling, they saw him laughing but why was he still hurting? He even cheered on them for so long, he even hold their hands whenever they're slipping away so why he decided to give up?
They make both Bangtan's Jin and Kim Seokjin lose the spark that makes him, himself.
Is it fair to label him as self centred? Do they have the right to call him that when all of them promised to keep running together-
No, Kim Seokjin never makes that promise. Every time they promised on something, Kim Seokjin never says anything. He didn't broke his promise, he never promised them anything.
It took them so much time to think about it again. Jin always being quiet whenever they promised to keep running together. He only smiled at them.
That damn smile that looks so comforting.
Even during the tour, during the ment when they promised in front of thousands-
No, it was millions. Even when they promised in front of millions people who were watching them voicing out their promised, Kim Seokjin always be the quiet one.
When the whole atmosphere was too overwhelming, he was the one cheered up everyone simply with the fact that he hates seeing people crying of pain.
He hates people crying in pain, he wants them to cry with joy but he himself is screaming from the pain.
Tears fell.
Is it that easy to give up on what you enjoyed? Why is it so easy for Kim Seokjin to give up?
No, it was never easy. It was never easy and will never be. It took Jin everything to put a stop. He wants to stop torturing himself. He is willing to sacrifice everything after years of letting himself being tortured both physically and mentally.
Greatly being tortured mentally.
At that moment, Namjoon wants throw everything out of the place. He wanted to break as many things as he can. He don't want to do this anymore.
"Let's respect each other. I'm sure you all know everything that have been decided is for the best"
Tears keep falling down, wetting his cheeks. He brainwashed everyone thinking it was for the best when he can do something about that. Namjoon brainwashed everyone thinking it was for the best.
"Yoongi-ah, can you accompany for-"
Yoongi shuts his eyes off, remembering back the moment when his only hyung approached him once.
"Please hyung, I will get back to you later. I just need to finish this"
And he never get back to his hyung. Just like how everyone forgets simple things, he forgets about that as well. He could have approached him back after the work but he never did-
No, he should have stopped whatever he was doing, turning his back, looking straight into the elder's eyes, listening to his words but instead of doing that, he ignored that moment as if it never happened.
"Hobi, can you help me with-"
With the sweats all over his skin, he turned his head looking at the shy looking hyung. It's true he was tired but he should've handled the situation better than what he did that day.
"Can you please get the basic first at least?"
Tears fell down from his eyes. They started it as a joke until it become a routine for them that wrecked every part of their eldest. Kim Seokjin never ever been bad at what he do.
It was them that wrecked the eldest. He was never bad at dancing. He was improving each day. How dare they were to call him such thing when they all know unlike them, Kim Seokjin was never been exposed to dance since he was young. His limbs were not as soft and sharp as their limbs were. They had exposure, he didn't.
It was them that brainwashed their fans thinking that the eldest was bad at dancing. Every comebacks, people keep pointing out of how he moved when in fact nothing was wrong with that.
"I'm sorry"
Until the end, Kim Seokjin is always the first one who muttered the apology even if they didn't understand what is that for.
"Would you forgive me if one day I decided to stop?"
That was after their tour, the last concert of their tour. It was a fun day. Too much enjoyment for them but deep down there Kim Seokjin always feels alone. No matter how loud the cheer was, no matter how fun the day was.
They decided to treat the concern as a joke to distract them from thinking much further about complicated things when in fact the words their eldest brother said were too complicated to understand.
"I'm tired, don't you feel tired?"
Of course they are tired from the schedules. Of course they needed a break once in a while. But, the words the eldest muttered was about him not finding anything he holds on fun anymore. When his passion turned out into something blurry.
That is what everyone should fear for. The moment when you lose your excitement, the moment when you lose your passion over the things that you had fun once before.
What's giving you fun isn't anymore.
He gives up. Kim Seokjin gives up on Bangtan's Jin. Kim Seokjin gives up on them.