The rest of the day seemed to drag on with mindless interviews. I felt myself falling into an unconscious cycle of rinse and repeat. My mind was so preoccupied with all of my greatest worries that I didn't even remember a single thing I said in any of those interviews. It wasn't a very healthy or productive habit, but I couldn't help it. When you have a secret that could ruin so many people's lives, most of the time it was the only thing on your mind.
Eventually the day had turned to night and we were back in our dorms. I roomed with Handong, but since she has been on hiatus, I had the room to myself. It was times like these when I was thankful for that. Of course I missed Handong, but this way I could have time to myself to think without being interrupted.
Taking advantage of the moment, I stepped out onto the balcony attached to my room and took a seat on the outdoor couch. The sun had gone down and it was actually pretty chilly outside. Normally I would've brought a blanket out, but in this moment I was too deep in my thoughts to care.
The sky was clear and, although I was in the city, I could make out a few stars. It made me think back to something one of my band mates said: "If you ever feel lonely, just look up at the stars and remember that we're all looking at the same sky." It would make you think that someone out there could be going through the exact same situation you were right now.
But, to me, that seemed impossible to believe. Everyone else around me seemed so put together and perfect. All the other idols were exactly the way they were supposed to be. They all fit the mold perfectly. Yet here I was, the complete opposite of what an idol was supposed to be. I have more progressive beliefs and I acted more masculine than I should as a 'lady'. Oh but here's the kicker... I liked girls.
Honestly knowing how the public would react to that almost made me want to come out myself. But, even more than that, I wanted to come out just to get these persistent worries off my shoulders. Oh, did I dress too masculine today? Shoot, am I looking at one of my members for too long? Was that blush too suspicious?
I wish I was joking when I say those things. I wish I didn't have to keep a secret. I wish so badly that I could just tell everyone, even just to get it off my chest. Secrets are so painful and exhausting. I felt like I was living a lie. I felt like I couldn't even be my true self. And I have spent so much of my life trying to hide a part of myself, that I haven't been able to truly live. I wanted to experience how it would feel living with no more burdens. I wanted to be unapologetically myself.
But I couldn't.
And it made me so mad. Mad at the world, at the way things are. At the way things have to be. Screw the world for telling me what is right and wrong. For telling me that who I am and what I love is wrong. And screw the people in it for going along with that. For believing it for truth because everyone is too afraid of change.
Then I realize how hypocritical that sounds. How can I be mad at the world for not accepting change when I can't even do it myself. I can't even admit who I am. I can't even be honest in order to bring that change myself. It no longer involves Jiu or my members. They can't be my excuse anymore. If I really wanted to do all the things I said I wanted to, then I would've done it already. There was only one way to make that possible without taking everyone else down with me...
Just then my thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the sliding glass door opening. "I should've known you would be out here." My head turned and I spotted the blonde member who was the cause of my quarter-life crisis. Our eyes met and she immediately frowned, sensing something was off. "It's freezing out here," she looked over the balcony before rubbing her shoulders and focusing back on me, "you should come back inside."
I wanted to refuse but she gave me a look that told me I shouldn't. So, being the whipped person I was, I followed her back into my room and sat on the edge of my bed. At this point, my mind was still swarming with thoughts, so I found it hard to concentrate on anything. I didn't even realize Jiu had walked over and grabbed a blanket until she stood in front of me and draped it over my shoulders.
My mind seemed to focus instantly when she stayed standing less than a foot away from me. All the time I spent attempting to control my feelings went down the drain as I stared into her sparkling brown eyes. I already knew my cheeks were red and I felt my heartbeat speed up in my chest. All she had to do was look at me and it drove me crazy. There's no way I could continue hiding this from her. I had to make it stop before I gave myself away.
So, I forced my eyes away from her and focused on my hands in my lap instead. It was quiet for a few seconds before I heard her sigh. "Why are you doing this?" Out of all the things I expected her to ask, that was not one of them.
My eyebrows furrowed, "What do you mean?" I asked without looking up.
"Why do you insist on shutting me out?" This caused me to finally look up at her. What surprised me more than her words was the expression on her face. I had never seen her so confused and... desperate. Normally she was so composed, so to see her like this made my heart drop in my chest. "Why do you insist on hiding your feelings? Do you know how many times you have told me that you were fine when you clearly weren't?" She paused for a moment, but I was unable to respond. What was I supposed to say? She shook her head and smiled sarcastically, "Every time. You say it every single time."
I knew she was right, but I hated that she noticed it. Every day she was getting closer to finding out my secret and now it felt like everything was starting to bubble over. So I did the only thing I knew how to do in order to stop it... "I don't need you looking out for me." My tone was low but stern in order to get my point across. Maybe if she got mad at me she'd finally leave me alone.
Although, she clearly wasn't finished. "I am your leader, it is my job to check up on you." She sighed again. "You know what, no. Forget that. I'm your friend. I care about you. I'm allowed to make sure you're okay." Her tone was soft and sincere but I couldn't let it get to me.
I looked away again and shook my head without responding.
"I thought out of anyone, you trusted me the most. I thought you knew you could come to me with whatever it was you were going through. But I can tell you've been hiding things." She stopped talking and I felt her stare like it was burning into the side of my head. "Would you just look at me?" I couldn't even react before she reached out and abruptly tilted my chin up to make eye contact with her. "You have kept this act up for so long now and maybe the other members buy it, but I don't. You're not the same and you haven't been for a long time. I can't just sit by and watch you battle this by yourself. Just talk to me." By this point her voice had grown more and more desperate.
Like earlier, I felt myself falling into those eyes and trusting her words. I wanted so badly to tell her everything. To spill it all right there. But I knew that no matter how much I trusted her, it wasn't worth the risk. "When I say I'm fine, it means I'm fine. I've told you a thousand times, there's nothing wrong with me!" My voice was much louder and I stood up next to her, causing her to stumble backwards slightly.
Clearly this just made her more upset as she stepped closer to me and said "Would you stop saying that?" Her voice had gotten much louder, causing my heart to beat quicker. She continued to walk towards me, making me step backwards. "Just stop pretending!" With each word that left her mouth I got more and more on edge. My emotions were running wild. I was angry, but not at her. I was angry at myself. For not being able to tell her. For making her feel this way.
"Stop lying!" Gradually her words chipped away at me. I couldn't take it anymore. "For once in your life," my back finally hit the wall and her face was so close to mine as she yelled, "say something real!" Her words struck a chord within me and I finally snapped. I didn't even think, I just let my emotions take over and the truth finally came out...
"I'm in love with you!"
The words slid off my tongue so effortlessly, there was no denying they were true. I couldn't take them back now. We both took a second to fully process what had just been said, but when we did, both our eyes widened. She looked away and the next minute of silence felt like the longest 60 seconds of my life. My whole world felt like it was crumbling around me as I replayed my own voice in my mind.
I'm in love with you.
How could I be so foolish? I had just decided that I wasn't ever going to tell her the truth. In fact, I was beginning to think that the best thing would be to cut myself out of her life completely. If I wasn't in the group, in the spotlight, then I wouldn't share this burden with anyone else. Yet there it was, out in the open. She knew now and those 5 words may have just risked it all.
"I-I should leave." I decided without even thinking and began to walk away.
"Stop." She grasped my arm to keep me from going any further. I turned around and looked at her once again. This time she didn't have that shocked expression on her face like earlier. Instead, she still seemed to be thinking, her eyes searching the distance. No words left her mouth, but she sat down on the bed and I got the hint, taking the spot next to her.
My heart was still beating painfully in my chest as I waited for her to say something. I was so ready for rejection, I felt tears begin to brim at the corners of my eyes. I couldn't believe what I had just done. And I couldn't bare the silence any longer. "I'm so sorry, I should've never said-"
"No." She cut me off and finally looked up at me. Her eyes grew sympathetic as she watched a tear slide down my cheek. "Please, don't cry." She said weakly and I saw her own eyes turn glassy. She was the type of empathetic person who felt everything other people were going through, even if she had never gone through it herself.
"I ruined everything." My voice cracked.
"Why would you think that?" She asked, astounded.
I looked up, attempting to stop my tears from flowing, but failed miserably. "What I said, w-what I am... is wrong." I found it hard to form the right words with all the conflicting emotions rushing through me at once.
Jiu didn't even respond, she just immediately pulled me into a hug. It was then that I realized she was crying too. Her hands rubbed my back while mine clutched her shirt. I didn't necessarily think that Jiu would be repulsed by me after hearing my confession, but I certainly didn't expect her to immediately be so comforting.
After a few minutes, our tears had finally stopped and we slowly backed away. Her hands rested on my cheeks and she stared into my teary eyes. The way she was looking at me reminded me of the fan meeting earlier today. It instantly gave me butterflies, even after all of this. "If what you are is wrong, then I'm wrong too." Her words were soft, but meaningful. "Can I try something." I didn't even process her words before nodding my head automatically.
She swallowed hard and I watched her eyes glance down at my lips. My face flushed as she leaned in and I finally realized just what she meant. Then, something that I never imagined happening in my entire lifetime happened.
Kim Minji kissed me.
A warm sensation enveloped my body when her soft lips met mine for the first time ever. My head spun and my heart pounded as I kissed back. Butterflies erupted in my stomach for the third time today, but it was nothing like the other two times before. Nothing in the world could compare to this. It was an indescribable feeling of true euphoria.
I was in love, and this feeling proved that.
After the moment was over, she back away, allowing us to catch our breaths. We continued to stare at each other a while after, just letting everything sink in. What I thought was the worst moment of my life turned out to be the best. Although, I knew it wasn't that simple.
"What are we going to do." I whispered. Of course I was worried, it's not like the whole world changed their mind just because she kissed me. "What about the members?"
She grabbed my hand to try and calm me down. "Hey, don't worry." For once, I finally allowed myself to fully trust her words and let all my previous worries leave my mind. "We will figure something out." She paused and looked into my eyes lovingly before saying,
"You're worth the risk."