“It’s just one pink line,” I gasped in relief. Deniz and Cansu released gusty sighs of relief right along with me.
“Whoa! That was heavy. I think I need several glasses of wine. No, several bottles. A whole vineyard!” I laughed shakily and swiped the nervous sweat off my forehead. I’d called my girls as I waited for the results for moral support.
“We will come to drink with you,” Deniz said and I did a little happy dance.
"Okay, crisis averted! Time to celebrate!"
I picked up the pregnancy test like it was a nuclear warhead, intent on wrapping it in wads of toilet paper so my mother wouldn’t discover it.
I glanced down at the pee stick of doom in my hand and blinked.
“Wait, what?” I whispered in horror.
“Nooooooo! It was one line! Give me back my line!”
I heard Cansu and Deniz exclaiming in the background. I picked up my phone.
“There are two lines now but one is really faint. That means it’s faulty, right? Like, I should do it again?”
I'd bought several different tests so I drank enough water to float a barge and did it again. After the fourth test came back positive, it was apparent that I had been impregnated with Bigfoot’s spawn.
“You're definitely pregnant!” Cansu gasped in disbelief when I called them back. “With a baby!”
“No, with a sloth,” I whisper hissed. “Of course it’s a baby! Oh my god, what am I going to do? This is a catastrophe!” I slid down the wall and plopped onto the floor.
“Wait! The father isn’t Soner.” Deniz stated from where I’d left the phone on the counter above me. They knew the Dirtbag and I had not had sex in weeks before I discovered his perfidy. All of the Dirtbag’s extended business trips had been code for “I’m screwing my secretary.” God, how cliche!
I hadn’t reminded them of that little fact when I first called. It was natural for them to automatically assume the father was the man I’d been with for three years and not the one I’d known for like three minutes.
"Who's the father, then?” Cansu asked and then the obvious must have occurred to her. At the same instant, Deniz arrived at the obvious choice.
“Don't tell me…" Deniz was visibly cringing.
“It’s The Giver!” Cansu shrieked.
I wailed in despair.
“Ezgi! I thought you were safe! Weren’t you on birth control?” Deniz asked me.
“We were safe but I haven't been on birth control. I didn’t see any need since I didn’t expect to be in the vicinity of any penises. Much less magical ones. Plus he used condoms. How could this have happened?” I buried my face in my hands.
“He used them all the time?”
“Yes?” I said but it sounded like a question. Had we? I thought so. He had been very diligent about it but there was that one time against the wall… I was racking my brain but couldn't remember anything except being trapped inside his shirt, his feverish kisses, his big hands, his... Stop that! Stupid horny brain.
“Either way, condoms aren't one hundred percent effective,” Cansu interrupted my x-rated musings.
“What? What do you mean?” I stood up and grabbed the phone.
“I mean they have like a 98% success rate,” she said.
“Why didn't anyone tell me that?!” I screamed into the phone.
“It’s common knowledge,” Deniz said.
“Not to me! That is vital information that should be on billboards! It should be put in skywriting! There should be public service announcements!” I shrieked.
“Are you okay sweetheart?” My mother’s concerned voice pierced through my outrage and the quagmire of terror I was sinking into. I took a deep breath and tried to modulate my voice.
“Yes, mommy. I’m okay. Bad kofte, I think.” My voice sounded shrill even to my ears.
“Okay. I’ll make you some tea to help settle your stomach.”
She wandered off and the weight of this disastrous mistake fell upon me. My mother would be devastated. I was going to be an unwed mother! In her traditional mind pregnancy was the most disastrous thing that could happen to a single woman and the only acceptable solution was marriage.
“You’ll have to tell him,” Deniz said.
“I can’t,” I whispered, and haltingly confessed our anonymous arrangement.
"Oh, Ezgi!" Deniz cried out.
“I don't know his name. I don’t know what he does for a living. But I know he’s a bit of a foodie, a decent poker player, and that he has terrible fashion sense.” My voice became raspy and took on a dreamy tone. “I know about his sweet spot and how his big body shudders when I press my lips right below his ear. And I know the sounds he makes when he comes. And how he licks his lips when he's turned on or being naughty.”
“That's not helpful, Ezgi!” Deniz blurted after clearing her throat several times.
“I know that! Stop yelling at me in my condition!” I whimpered.
“Oh god! What am I going to do? I can't have a baby, right? I mean, I abandoned my fish with a stranger. I'm a serial murderer of houseplants! I don’t have a house or a job. This is a disaster. I need a drink!” I intended to drown my sorrows in the nice bottle of wine I had chilling in the refrigerator when the obvious occurred to me.
“I can’t drink!”
“You can’t drink!” We all exclaimed in unison.
“How do women survive this without liquid courage?” I moaned. “I can’t do this. I can’t!”
“Sweetie, whatever you decide we will be here for you. If you decide not to have it then we will go with you to the doctor and hold your hand after. If you decide to keep it then we’ll help you as much as we can and we’ll also be the best, most gorgeous aunts a baby ever had,” Cansu said.
“You’re not alone. You have us,” Deniz said and I burst into tears.
*******
Two weeks later
“What is that god awful noise?” I asked Cansu while she helped me unpack.
I’d left my mom’s house by making up a new job offer. I quickly realized that there was no way I’d be able to keep this a secret from my mother while staying under her roof. I knew I was running away from the inevitable but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her the truth especially when I still wasn't one hundred percent sure I was going to keep the baby. Cansu had offered me her empty apartment in the meantime while I decided what to do next. She was on again with her on-again-off-again boyfriend and spent most nights at his place now.
“That’s my new neighbor,” Cansu said in response. “He plays the drums half the night sometimes,” she said in an indulgent tone.
“Are you serious? Why haven’t you ripped him a new one?” This was very unlike her. She was the type to march up right up to that fool and tell him he was being an inconsiderate ass.
“I tried,” she admitted. “But he’s really charming and so good looking. I didn’t have it in me to tell him off.”
“Really! Well, I have no problem going over there and giving him a piece of my mind.”
“No, never mind him. I have news!” She grinned and clapped her hands gleefully. “So remember the cute doctor I work with that I was telling you about?”
I nodded.
“He's single!”
“So?”
“So! He’s a doctor who isn’t a fossil. He’s not a womanizer and has money, his own house and comes from a good family. Girl, you can snap him up in no time!”
“I’m knocked up, Cansu," I reminded her drily.
“He loves children! Just give it a shot."
“I don’t know,” I hesitated. Dating had been hard enough before I looked and felt like a swamp witch.
“You have nothing to lose. Who knows? Maybe you’ll fall in love and get married! And then you won’t have to lie to your mom! Well, you’ll have to lie a little. Come on! Just one date?“ She batted her eyes and put her hands under her chin pleadingly.
“Let’s not get carried away. I look terrible and I’ve never been good at dating,” I said.
“Nothing a little concealer won’t fix. You’re beautiful and funny. He doesn’t stand a chance.”
I sighed and flopped down on the bed.
And that’s how Operation Find a Baby Daddy was born.
*****
One week later
“I think he stood me up,” I hissed into my phone. All around me people were mingling, laughing, and drinking. La Gabbia was the place to be or so Cansu told me. It was a restaurant and a bar that was taking nightlife by storm. I scowled morosely at the trendy surroundings. I was hungry and rapidly veering into the hangry territory, my push-up bra was digging into my skin and I felt slightly nauseous.
“I’m so sorry sweetie. I was just about to call you. He got called into an emergency C-section so he’s running late,” Cansu said.
“Hmph,” I grouched.
“Just give him a little while. I’m sure he’ll be there soon.”
“Ok, I’ll wait,” I sighed and gazed forlornly at my virgin cocktail. Getting through a date without some alcohol to tamp down my natural weirdness was totally impossible but I would do my best to seem less... Crazy? Desperate? Pregnant? He was my only prospect. My mother would swoon from happiness if I was to present her with a doctor as a future son in law.
A waitress came by and I decided to order something while I waited. I was starving so I pretended I didn’t see her pitying look and placed an order for an appetizer platter knowing she was judging me.
"He's running a little late. He's a doctor, you know," I said. Why was I explaining myself to this stranger?
When the food arrived, I experienced a jolt of deja vu. I took a bite of some cheesy concoction and scarfed down the rest in record time. It hit me then why I got that flashback and why it all looked and tasted familiar. This was the restaurant Big had ordered all the food from. Sure other restaurants might have an equally creative chef on staff but the hotel was almost right next to this place. My heart started to flutter. I looked around expecting him to materialize out of the ether.
As if conjured out of my memories, the hostess appeared in my line of vision. A memory of this woman conversing with him and her subsequent hateful glare when he had left her to come to me flashed into my mind’s eye. She looked down at me with the same ‘Oh, you poor thing' smile the waitress had given me and informed me the restaurant was closed as there was a special event tonight.
“You’re welcome to go out into the patio or sit at the bar,” she said with a fake smile. I flashed her a dismissive smile and smashed down the urge to ask her what she knew about Big. There was no recognition of me on her features and the likelihood that he’d been just flirting with her was high.
I moved to the bar, afraid that if I moved to the patio I’d miss my date when and if he finally showed. I’d give him ten more minutes. If he didn’t show I’d drag myself back to Cansu’s place, plop on the couch and eat that carton of mint chocolate chip that was calling my name. This was a really bad idea anyway, I concluded. This was the universe telling me that if I couldn't find a man before I sure as hell wasn't going to find one when I was impregnated with another man's baby.
While I was lost in my depressive thoughts, the bartender made me another virgin something or other, and winked at me. I gave him a surly glare for no reason other than I was hangry again, my feet were hurting and I was annoyed at being stood up. I drank it greedily and it was like sunshine in a glass. I immediately felt awful about being a moody twit to him.
The lights dimmed and loud music began pumping through the speakers. Ugh. My head was going to burst. I'd had a low key headache all week from listening to Cansu's annoying neighbor bang on his drums at all hours of the night. I whispered a silent apology to Cansu but this doctor was not worth my murdering a poor hapless bystander. I tried to move off the stool I was perched on but the press of bodies made it impossible.
“Excuse me,” I said politely while gnashing my teeth. No one listened, they kept gyrating to the music like mindless idiots.
“Excuse me," I repeated loudly but I was ignored. The bartender noticed my predicament and tried to get people to move to no avail. My stomach was turning, I felt lightheaded from the flashing lights and the heat from the crowd was making me sweat in this stupid fluffy dress.
“EXCUSE ME ASSHOLE! Move or I will puke all over your shoes!” I swung my tiny purse like a weapon. People dispersed like they were roaches and I’d just flipped the light switch.
“Thank you,” I said and smiled sweetly. As I slid off the stool, an electric tremor of awareness slid down my spine. I turned slowly, my heart began beating unnaturally fast. My eyes were immediately drawn to the DJ booth in the far corner.
I blinked several times but the vision was still there. Over the crowd and the flashing lights, I saw him. The author of my current miseries was dancing and carrying on like he hadn’t turned my world upside down with his stupid dimples and his sex hair. I squinted some more thinking surely it was a figment of my addled pregnant brain. But no. He was still there and of course, it had to be him decked out in a tank top that looked like a kitchen rag. Who else could wear such a hideous outfit and still look like sex on legs?
My brain went offline. I wanted to simultaneously fling myself on him and run as far away from him as I could. I stood frozen like a deer in the headlights and that's when his head turned, his eyes narrowed against the bright glare of the flashing strobe lights and he peered into the crowd.
His eyes crashed into mine.
The room fell away, the crowd disappeared and it was just us. The last two people left in the world. A highlight reel of our time together flickered between us. A small whimper escaped my lips.
He straightened and stood stock-still for one second. In the next, he was a flurry of motion, yanking the headphones off and hurling himself over the small platform and into the crowd. They parted for him like the red sea. Of course, they would. I rolled my eyes at the utter ridiculousness of his larger than life presence. He had almost reached the bar when a wave of panic hit me. Abruptly, I turned away from his smoldering eyes and pushed, punched, and elbowed my way through the crowd.
“Out of my way or I’ll throat punch you,” I threatened anyone in my path. I got several WTF looks but seeing murder in my eyes, they wisely moved out of my way. I easily reached the doors and pushed through and took a grateful lungful of the night air.
I couldn’t face him. I couldn’t. I wasn't ready. What could I possibly say? “So guess what? Turns out your sperm is as magical as your penis.” I couldn't bear it if he reacted badly. Which he would.
I hobbled in my stupid shoes as fast as I could towards a taxi idling at the curb, cursing the stupid stilettos Cansu insisted I wear, my heart thrashing in my chest.
And then the voice that haunted my dreams and too many of my waking hours rumbled in my ear.
“Pixie.”
I stopped in my tracks and shivered at the sound of his deep silky voice. I turned to face him as if in a trance.
“You're still a menace to society, I see. You need to get those violent tendencies under control.”
He smiled dazzlingly and my knees buckled at the sight. His arm snaked around my waist to save me from toppling over like a felled tree and we both froze at the contact. His eyes brimmed with some emotion I couldn’t decipher.
“You look like a cupcake,” he said with a wobbly smile. His words were light but his fingers were flexing frantically into my waist.
My poofy pink dress was a strategic move but he didn't need to know that. Reality hit me like a bucket of icy cold water.
“I have to go,” I stuttered and pulled away.
"Wait! Don’t go!” He pulled me up flush against his body. His nose skimmed down my cheek and his lips ghosted over mine. His voice lost its teasing tone and instead became a low, smooth rasp of heat and longing in my ear.
“I looked for you. God, Pix. I looked for you everywhere,” his voice trembled with the admission. As if the words were being unwillingly torn from him.
“I really have to go,” I said desperately feeling like I was going to swoon, or puke or climb him like a tree. His hot man sorcery was weaving its spell around me again. I wrenched myself away from him.
“Tell me your name,” he pleaded, grabbing my hand.
“Ezgi. What's going on?”
Serdar, my erstwhile date, appeared out of nowhere.
“Ezgi.” Big whispered making my name sound like a physical caress. The dastardly dimples made their appearance again. Before I could melt into a human puddle at his feet just from hearing him say my name, the salty hostess strolled outside.
“Ozgur. There you are. You're needed inside,” she said, shooting me a speculative look. He turned impatiently towards her. With his attention diverted for the moment, I snatched my hand out of his grasp, murmured an apology to Serdar, and literally launched myself into the waiting taxi and slammed the door.
“Go!” I shouted to the perplexed driver. When we merged into traffic, I turned and looked back. Serdar appeared puzzled and Big… No. Ozgur. I swallowed back tears. I don’t know why his stupid name was affecting me so much.
I saw Ozgur pick up something sparkly and very familiar off the ground.
My shoe! I looked down at my shoeless foot.
My phone rang at that instant and I nervously fished it out of my purse. It was an unknown number.
“Are you okay?” Serdar asked when I answered, sounding concerned.
“Um, yes I just don’t feel so well. Feverish. The flu, I think,” I mumbled. I grimaced when I remembered I was talking to a doctor.
He rattled off a whole bunch of doctor-y things and then he apologized for being late.
“I’d like to give this another try when you feel better?” He asked me with a hopeful tone in his voice. Cansu must have really talked me up or showed him some heavily filtered pictures.
I murmured something noncommittal and somewhat coherent but he seemed pleased with whatever nonsense I spouted. We made tentative plans for another dinner date. I half-listened and was relieved when he finally hung up. I tried to catch my breath and calm my heartbeat.
My phone rang again. I picked it up unthinkingly.
“Hello.”
“Are you going to make me try this shoe on every pint-sized woman in the city?” A rumbling sexy voice demanded.
My skin prickled with sensation at the deep sound of his voice.
“How did you get my number?”
He ignored my question.
“Tell me your name,” he commanded.
“You already know my name,” I said breathlessly. Why was I breathless? I tried to control my rioting pulse.
“I want to hear you say it. Not Dr. Douchebag.”
“He’s not a douchebag! Wait, how do you know he's a doctor? What did you say to him?”
He didn’t answer. There was a weighted expectant silence on his end that spoke volumes. It compelled me to answer him.
“My name is Ezgi,” I said in a husky tone. He was making me melt into the back seat of a cab with just the sound of his breathing.
“Hello, Ezgi. I’m Ozgur but I prefer to go by Mr. Big,” he said impishly and I bit back a smile at his impudence.
“Tell me, Ezgi,” he continued conversationally. “Why are you running away from me?”