Remorse had shrouded Kabir's heart, and he was suffering. Pain seemed to have become a constant companion of late, stinging him with every breath, and he was beginning to get used to it. Khushi's parting words had been like a hurricane that had finally rocked his world and left it in ruins, leaving him devastated. The feeling of being dispensable to someone you thought you shared a beautiful relationship with was unbearable. He realised now, how far he had pushed her because of his behaviour, enough for her to give up on him completely. Regret came to him fiercely in quiet moments such as these, but he knew, no amount of tears or assessment of his deeds would turn the clock back for him. What had he achieved by behaving the way he had? What had he been thinking? How had things spiralled out of control from his hands so quickly? He had no answers to these questions anymore.
"What is it?" Shirley asked the moment she entered the green room of the auditorium and saw him sitting on the sofa, his head rested on the backrest facing the ceiling with his eyes closed. He appeared tired, troubled and vulnerable, and her heart ached for him. She gave him a few moments to respond, but when he didn't, she prodded. "What's wrong? What did she say?"
His shoulders stiffened for a moment. "It's not always about her, Shirls." He said in a barely audible voice and fell silent once again.
"What's bothering you? Nervous about the show?"
"No." He opened his eyes and straightened up to face her. "It's just that I've just quit smoking and —" He saw her face change the moment he uttered the words. Her eyes lit up instantly like a Christmas tree, and he did not miss her superhuman effort in holding back a smile which was desperate to bloom on her lips. "—the withdrawals are killing me." He finished with a faintest of smiles touching his eyes, half-amused with her reaction, and half surprised that it had made her so happy.
"God bless her." She murmured and stared at the papers in her hands.
Raw hurt shone in his eyes, and suddenly his voice was tight with anger.
"I told you, it's not always about her."
"I thought—" She caught the words between her teeth as she arranged the papers in order. "Did you have dinner?" She asked quickly changing the subject and handed over the sheets to him.
Kabir took the papers from her and shook his head. Shirley wasn't pleased but chose to stay quiet. "You want me to get you a coffee or something? Some samosas with it? The mint chutney here is—"
"Coffee is a horrible substitute, Shirls." He let out a big sigh and skimmed through the song sheets in his hands.
She was expecting a straightforward dismissal and was pleasantly surprised to see him indulging her instead. "There can be no substitute for poison, Kabir." She said flatly.
"True." He glanced at her. "So, you ready?"
"Been for a while." She smiled sheepishly, a faint blush blooming on her cheeks unexpectedly.
"Stop the cheesy flirting, Shirls." He said, dragging his attention back to the papers in hand while suppressing a smile he thought would never grace his lips after what was happening in his life of late.
"I wasn't aware I was allowed to flirt." She raised her eyebrow at him, a giggle tickling her throat.
He looked into her eyes which were rapidly blinking at him. "Stop."
"Stop what?" She smiled as she got to her feet and stood looking at him.
"This—this play with the words." He said, his eyes evading hers like always.
"It's too serious to be called play, Kabir."
"There!" He said, pointing his index finger at her. "You are doing it again and—"
"There? Where? Show me!" She chuckled and looked down at her dress and stilettos.
He was off his chair in a flash and standing right in front of her, suddenly furious. "Shirls—" He rasped. "Don't tease me. I —"
"I don't have the right to." She held his gaze, unafraid.
He stared at her for long, watching every emotion that flitted across her face at that moment and then his gaze fell on her lips which had been lent the faintest touch of colour and gloss. He looked away immediately. "You—" He started but stopped abruptly and stepped away from her. "You are right. It is about her. It always was. I've finally gotten us to a point where she's had enough of me and doesn't want to see me or talk to me again." He said as he threw the sheets on the sofa. He ran his fingers through his hair and walked further away from her. "And this time I've messed it up pretty badly with Bhai too." He turned to look at her. "I am not a good guy, Shirley. You are wasting your time when you could do so much better."
Shirley looked at him and felt like he was a blow away from breaking into pieces. Her face softened immediately. "I don't know what situation you are talking about, but of what you've told me so far, Khushi has been a great friend to you all these years, and you've been the same for her. It's just that she's unable to or didn't want to see anything beyond that friendship— unlike me. There is a difference between us. I hope you get to see it someday and stop advising me."
He shook his head and looked down at the carpet on the floor. "Would you go out with a guy who was responsible for brutally hurting his brother, who has always loved him?"
"I would go out with the guy who has the balls to tell me he was doing so with remorse written all over his face." She quipped.
His heart missed a beat hearing the words and his head snapped in her direction. "I'm twisted, Shirls. Stay away from me."
"Dear God, that kind of honest admission should surely make me rethink." Her lips curved into a wry smile as she walked closer to face him. "You mean ..as twisted as those curls?" She pointed at a curly lock near his cheek.
He caught her finger mid-air with his hand as his jaw clenched. "It's not funny, Shirls."
"I know. It's too serious to be called funny." She glanced at his fingers wrapped around her index finger and then into his eyes with all the love she had for him. "Hold my hand whenever you need me or want me to be around you. I'll always be with you. Even when you feel like convincing me that you are the most despicable being on this planet, me and my crushed index finger will still be here to listen to you."
Kabir let go of her finger instantly. "Shit! I am so sorry! God, I didn't mean to—hell, my anger seems to hurt everyone around me nowadays and —"
"That's all you have to tell Khushi and your Bhai if you think you've wronged them." She smiled while massaging her aching finger. "Once their anger subsides, they will know you meant it. But until then, you will have to bear hell and be with friends to keep your sanity. There is no other way out." Her brow creased in a frown. "And don't let anyone tell you that you are twisted. Not even yourself. You have a beautiful heart, and it will always trump your mind. You are made like that, you should know it."
Kabir sat on the sofa staring at the guitar lying next to him realising she knew nothing of what was going on in his life. But for the first time since he had met her again after school, he felt the urge to share a part of it with her. "I —I am planning to tell Bhai everything after this show." He looked down at the floor again. "And I —I am shit scared."
Shirley had no clue what was going on in his mind and life, yet she was sitting by his side holding his hand the moment he uttered those words. "Just this one time, brave it out." She said softly, their fingers intertwined. "Once you are honest with yourself and them, you don't have to be scared again, ever."
Something inexplicable happened in his heart with her warm gesture, and his eyes immediately sought her large ones. It seemed as though she had let her strength seep into his body through her fingers just when he needed it the most, and it moved him. "Will you be heading home immediately after the show?"
She smiled at him. "I'll leave once you are done talking to your brother. I won't be around, but I'll be waiting with Tony. Come and find us."
"You don't have to."
"I want to."
"Shirley—"
"I am twisted too, Kabir." This time she didn't smile. She pressed his hand firmly once and walked out of the room.
****
"Where is Bhai, Akky? I need to talk to him."
Kabir had walked up to Akash, exhausted after the most successful show he had ever done in his life. The audience had loved him immensely, but his heart had not even registered it. By the time he and Aarav had walked out of the auditorium into the cold December night, he was sweating profusely. But the sweat had nothing to do with the performance. He was shaking inside. The trepidation he felt with the thought of what he was about to unfold before his brother had got his stomach coiled into painful knots. Since most people had left the place, the parking lot was almost deserted. And that is how he had spotted Akash, standing alone next to his bike.
"He's gone over to the other gate to speak to a couple of his friends from Xavier's." Akash informed Kabir.
"How— how is he?" Kabir asked him hesitantly, his face rigid with tension.
Akash regarded him thoughtfully. The muscles of his jaw tightened as he bit down hard on his anger. "A bit tipsy and fucked. But he loved your performance. Well done."
For some reason, Kabir thought the performance Akash was referring to had nothing to do with what had happened on stage. "Bhai had alcohol?" Kabir's eyes widened in worry. "Shit." He looked at Aarav, who placed his hand over his shoulder.
A moment later, they saw Arnav walking towards them briskly, almost breaking into a run. As soon as he saw Kabir, he raised his arms to pull him into a hug but hesitated and drew back. With a sheen of tears in his eyes and a genuine smile on his lips, he looked at Kabir. "Chhotu! My rockstar! Ma and Pa need to see you on stage. They will be so proud! That was —God, that was out of this world! Hotel California was absolutely–"
Kabir however, didn't hesitate. He stepped forward quickly and wrapped his arms around his brother without letting him finish his words, surprising Arnav. For him, Arnav's arms had always been the shields of love protecting him from the world, especially when he would run into trouble. He was suddenly terrified of losing everything between them. The feeling was so strong that it caught his breath and his hand clutched Arnav's jacket instinctively.
"Kabir?" Arnav asked him softly as he rubbed his arm with his hand gently. "Did you like the guitar?"
"I—" The sob came before the words and tangled his tongue. "Bhai—I—"
Arnav pulled away and smiled at him as he cupped his cheek with his palm. "I don't need words. I can see it in your eyes that you loved it. And you, my little brother, were brilliant on that stage! So proud of you, I cannot even tell you in words!"
Kabir looked at Aarav over his shoulders and saw him nod at him. Drawing in a deep breath while his heart throbbed in fear, he closed his eyes for a moment to summon all the courage inside him and looked straight into Arnav's eyes. "I have to tell you something about that night, Bhai. I —I haven't told you everything."
The smile slipped off Arnav's face instantly as he looked at Kabir's grim face. "What night?"
"The night I told Khush about my—" He couldn't look into his eyes anymore. His gaze dropped to his brother's shoulders as he spoke as slowly as his pounding heart was allowing him to. "Khush never wanted to be with me and never gave me an impression of anything else. I don't know why I didn't listen to her properly that night. I wish I had been in my senses, Bhai. And later, it hurt like hell when the realisation started sinking in with every passing day that she had chosen the perfect you, discarding the imperfect me. I couldn't handle it." He paused as he looked at Arnav for a moment. "When she said she wanted to be with me, I —"
"Why?" Arnav interrupted. The vein at his temple had been beating furiously as he had listened to Kabir. "Why?" He repeated, sending a chill down Kabir's spine. "Tell me why she said it."
Silence fell around them like snowfall as they stared at each other unblinkingly. Kabir's heart was pounding in his ears, and fear made him take a step back instinctively. Just this one time, brave it out. Shirley's words came to him when his courage was about to abandon him altogether. He swallowed hard and dared to look into his brother's eyes once again. "I —" He hesitated as fear gripped his tongue. "I had touched her, Bhai — but I —I swear to God I wasn't going to do anything. I honestly don't know what had come over me at that moment Bhai, because—"
"What the fuck do you mean you touched her?" Arnav's sharp voice rang out as he took a step closer to Kabir.
"I —I had touched her face—her—her lips—"
The slap came solid and sharp across Kabir's cheek and broke the flow of words from his mouth. He staggered backwards, holding his palm over his cheek, his eyes suddenly watery.
"You did what?" He hissed.
"Bhai—"
"Where the hell did the courage to do that come from?" Arnav roared. "Friend, family or even your wife, you do not touch a woman without her permission! You've been brought up with these values for god sake, Kabir!" His voice rent the air as anger overrode all other emotions in his heart.
"I—I am sorry, Bhai."
"Go." The sharp crack of his voice jolted Kabir. "Just leave."
"Bhai, I am –"
Arnav charged towards him again, but Akash and Aarav held him back. "God, I didn't let her speak!" He swallowed painfully and turned towards Kabir with a mixture of anger and shame written all over his face. "I was angry with her because she hadn't come clean about her feelings towards you the same evening. Like a fool, I assumed she must've said she wanted to be with you to buy time because she couldn't muster up the courage to break your heart the same evening you avowed your feelings to her. I was angry because I thought you deserved to know the truth straight away because had you known it, all this could've been avoided." He covered his face with his hands and ran his fingers through his hair. "Never—never in my wildest dreams did I think she would do so in fright because my brother had laid a hand on–"
"I don't know what happened, Bhai. I just—"
"Just shut up!" Arnav exploded. "Too many people have been shielding you and pardoning your reckless deeds for too long! God, it's a mistake we all are committing over and over again, and we fucking don't learn! And you—" He pushed him back with one hand "—refuse to grow up and see anything beyond yourself. I know, Khush will never tell me or anyone else what you did to her. God, that was the reason why she said she wouldn't have told me anything about this before I left! Fuck, I'll never forgive myself for this." His face hardened in fury as his attention returned to his brother. "Go, thank her for not reporting your inexcusable behaviour to one or both our fathers!" He thundered. "No girl, however close she might be to you, tolerates any unwanted physical advances towards her, Kabir. You know that, right?" He stared at him with fire in his eyes "Tell me you do!" He bellowed.
Kabir nodded slightly. Arnav gave him a long stare and turned away from him towards Akash. "Drop me home Akash. Let's get the hell out of here."
"Bhai—" The word uttered was a plea and a prayer, and Arnav's shoulders slumped as he sighed in defeat.
"I don't know how to deal with you anymore, Kabir, I give up." Arnav paused as he looked at him, thoughtfully. "Had you been a sensible and understanding younger brother, had you not let me know in so many ways that you hated me so much, perhaps I would have told you how I felt about Khush years ago, and this wouldn't have happened. Had you been a bit more receptive and caring about other people's thoughts and actions, you would have realised and noticed that same evening that Khush does not reciprocate your feelings." He turned away from him and walked towards the bike. He turned around once to look at him. "You crossed a line that evening, Kabir, and made me cross one today. I cannot live with either! I kept giving you chances thinking you would learn from your mistakes someday but this— this I can't let go. And after our chat on the terrace, you have successfully proven it to me that you've grown up. You don't need me. You know what you want in life and how to get it. You do manage to deal with your emotions quite well. You know how to be diplomatic and manipulative. You know when to hide or show your feelings. You know it all and—"
"She was a different person when she was with you despite being closer to me." Kabir interrupted bravely. "And I wanted what she had with you all along. I'd wanted it so bad that I began to crave for it all the time. It played with my mind, Bhai. I tried to be you, but I couldn't —" Tears stung his eyes, and his legs wobbled with the weight of his guilt. "You are not selfish like me, Bhai. You have a big heart, and that's why you give so much and get so much in return. I wish I were, but I am not like you. And now I don't like myself anymore." He dabbed his eyes with his shaky fingers. Arnav swallowed a lump in his throat, and his hands clenched into tight fists. "That night, I remember me pulling her in my arms. I forgot one important thing, Bhai. She never hugged me back. She had stood still, as though frozen in my arms. My mind couldn't or didn't want to register that bit until she reminded me of it a while ago, and I—"
"A while ago?" Arnav said as he felt a prickle of fear slide down his spine. "You met her?"
"Yes, she had come home to talk to me a while ago."
Blood drained from Arnav's face, but he managed somehow to keep his voice steady. "Is she okay? Did she say anything?"
"She said you were angry with her and didn't listen to her. I am sorry, Bhai." Kabir looked away, cursing himself and the situation he had got everyone into. "I am responsible for all this, and now she just doesn't want to—"
"Doesn't want to?" Arnav looked at him, his heart now lodged into his throat.
"She doesn't want to see me or talk to me again."
Arnav stared at him in disbelief. He turned away from him quickly towards Akash. "Akky, let's go. I need to call her right now."
"Arnav, it's way past midnight. We cant call her right now. You are slightly tipsy right now, and it's not the best time to talk to her. Wake up early in the morning and speak to her." Akash placed a hand on Arnav's shoulder. "It's okay. Relax. It's our Khush. The girl has a heart of gold, plus she knows that you are a jackass. She's angry and upset right now, and rightfully so, but she will cool down after a night's sleep. Stay with me tonight. I'll drop you home the moment you wake up in the morning."
"Bhai—" Kabir whispered, his sinking heart accepting the fact that he had lost the right to apologise for the hell he had put everyone through. He knew his fate was sealed. The remorse would now eat at him every single day of life after this moment, and there was nothing he could do about it anymore.
"Go home, Kabir. I don't want to talk to you anymore." Arnav looked at him. "You and I — it's difficult now. I am sorry, but I can't ignore this, or your hatred towards me anymore." He said with tears brimming his eyes. "Maybe some years down the line, when you feel I mean something to you, if at all, and if I am on the same page, we could probably let go of this charade of being brothers in front of the world and between us too and begin a normal relationship."
Kabir stood numb listening to the words which seemed very familiar to the ones uttered by Khushi a few hours ago. His heart had not known what excruciating pain was until this moment. The only two people who mattered the most to him didn't want him in his life anymore, and the pain was unendurable. "Bhai—" His heart cried the words, and tears finally escaped the confines of his eyes.
"I am sorry, Kabir. After all, I am human too." Arnav said, his throat throbbing painfully. He glanced at Kabir once before he sat pillion on Akash's bike and rode away into the night.
***
A couple of hours later, Arnav and Akash sat quietly on the terrace with coffee mugs warming their fingers. Arnav was emotionally and physically exhausted, but sleep evaded him. It had been a day from hell. He felt like he had been put through a wringer in the last twenty-four hours and left with a heartache to endure for many days to come.
"Stop killing yourself. There were too many omissions and a lot of deceit. You were bound to get lost in it and react. We will talk to Khushi tomorrow. Right now, I just want you to sleep." Akash's words ended the silence between them.
Arnav sighed. "I let her down, Akky. I wish I could go to her place, ring her doorbell and apologise to her right now."
"You will. We will be at her doorstep the moment you wake up in the morning, I promise."
"How did I—what the hell was I —"
"Stop it, Arnav. It's okay. Everyone messed up in their own peculiar way. You are not the only one. Just thank god everything is clear now."
"I must have broken her heart. I always told her to talk to me about anything under the sun and today I was the one who didn't let her —"
"Arnav, you'd had a lot to drink. It is partly responsible for the way you have behaved—"
"Don't." Arnav snapped. "I wasn't that drunk, Akky." He said sharply. "I am entirely responsible for my inexcusable behaviour." He leaned back on the armchair and stared at the dark sky above him. "And Chhotu, what do I do with him? I am already feeling horrible the way I behaved with him right now. He is not a bad person, Akky. He is my brother, I know him."
Akash smiled and placed a hand on his arm in assurance. "I understand. But stay strong and don't go weak this time, Arnav. This jolt was necessary, and you were right in doing so. It will make him think before he acts in the future. And by no means is he a bad person, he is just immature, and we both know it. He needs to grow up a bit. This distance is necessary, Arnav. Let him be on his own, let him think and work things out in his life without you around. If this doesn't make him take stock of his life, don't know what will."
"I left her with tears in her eyes and my name on her lips, Akky." He swallowed painfully. "—and Chhotu too." He closed his eyes as he felt a piercing ache in his heart.
"Don't think about it right now. Tomorrow is another day. New day, new beginnings, my friend."
Arnav nodded. He forced a smile on his lips for Akash and then turned away, his smile falling away lifeless on his lips.
****
Note: That was the last of the wringers, sigh of relief in a way! :) Will be waiting for your words ...
Thank you :)