"Me me love... egg salad sandwiches..."
Today was a typical free day in the life of our idiot party. Due to popular demand, I had dragged Seiko and Blair into town with me for a shopping spree, and as per always, Seiko had purchased one of her beloved egg salad sandwiches.
"Seiko, if egg salad sandwiches disappeared from the world one day, what would you do?"
"Cry about it!" Seiko purred, taking another bite out of said sandwich. "But then we can just make more, right, meow?"
I rubbed my chin. "What if all the supplies disappeared?"
"Gather new ones."
"What if you couldn't?"
"The human race would start disappearing if all our food supplies did too, y'know!!"
I snorted, running a hand through my hair. "It was all just hypothetical, anyway. Call it... a social experiment of sorts."
"Meow? Well, I'd still cry about it. That's my final answer!"
"You two are odd," Blair placed a hand on her hip. "Our original goal was to purchase food supplies, was it not?"
"Something like that," I sighed. "But little miss Seiko here got distracted by the prospect of egg salad sandwiches, so we had to take a bit of a detour."
"I don't see why you need supplies yourself when there is a kitchen at the inn, though."
"Weeellll," I spun around, crossing my arms and lifting my chin. "I did some calculations the other day. Apparently, it's cheaper to buy supplies and cook your own food than it is to buy a meal every day for the rest of your life. Convenient, right? And pretty smart of me, if I say so myself."
"...Do you even have the appliances to cook, though?"
"I-ah..." Crap. I didn't think about that. Do I have to buy a whole portable grill for one small inn room? Ahhh, that would cost a fortune! N. O. P. E! "I'll just make sandwiches, then..."
"Oooh, what if we go pick some fruits?" Seiko offered, pointing in the direction of the toucan forest. "There were berries there, right? Then surely there must be some other yummy goods deep within!"
"There is a flaw with your 'genius' plan," Blair piped in. "How are we to tell what is poisonous and what is not? Unless one of you has some miraculous survival knowledge, then there is the potential outcome of harm."
"Thennnn let's just use Koemi as our sacrifice, meow!"
"M-me?!" I scoffed. "I'm, like, the most valuable member here! You all would be dead without me."
"Hmmm..."
"Riiight."
I exhaled, pulling my arms behind my back. Idiots. They don't realize how truly skilled I am. I could wipe out a whole crowd of crabs single handedly if I really tried!
Errr, maybe not.
"Here, let me start," Seiko bounced in the direction of the forest, Blair and I nervously coming in behind. "Look at these nice, red berries, meow! Koemi, taste test!"
She shoved one into my mouth, and I spat it out almost immediately. "What did I say about being valuable? Do you guys really despise me that much?!"
Seiko ignored me, tapping her head. "I s'pose you're not dead or complaining yet. That means they must be good, right?"
She picked one out herself, holding it up to her mouth and taking a slow bite. "Mmmm! I bet these berries would work wonderfully with my egg salad sandwiches, meow! Let's take em!"
Seemingly not learning from her one bad experience with the toucans, she grabbed a fistful and continued forth. "I fear for the safety of that woman," I sighed to Blair, the dubious tank nodding in agreement. With our doubts in tow, we had no choice but to continue after her.
We walked for quite some time on our odd berry-picking adventure, with Seiko holding the fearless leader role, Blair bracing herself and her weapon, and me, lingering behind with an uneasy feeling circling throughout my body. I don't get why we can't just go buy some packaged goods... then again, I don't really wanna spend the money, so I guess this is the cheapest way out. These better be some dang good berries!
We came across a variety of color-speckled bushes, some of them holding the same red berries we'd discovered earlier while others contained blue, purple, and black hued objects. "None of them seem considerably poisonous," Blair pointed out on our walk.
"Actuallyyyy, that might be because I've seen some of these in grocery stores before. I didn't know they grew on wild bushes, meow. Maybe it's some kind of farming magic?"
I let out a faint wheeze. "Farming magic? The heck is that?" At Seiko's puzzled expression, I stated, "Don't you mean Earth magic?"
"Meow... whatever!" She snapped, spinning around and grabbing a handful of purple berries. "Let's just keep going."
Our journey was mostly silent from that point onwards until Seiko pulled up ahead with a small "oh?"
"Found something?" Blair's curiosity had been piqued as she followed the child. "Or is it merely a small inconvenience?"
Blair and I both stopped behind Seiko, who had her gaze fixated on a spot far up in the woods. "Look up there, meow. A rare specimen!"
I craned my neck up, covering some of the light filtering out between the trees with one hand. Perched atop a branch and peering straight down at us was a male, slightly tall, equipped in what looked like heavy tank-type armor. "Seiko, that's a male."
"Did I stutter? A rare specimen. Y'think he's of importance?"
Seiko and her weird humor, I swear... I sighed, clearing my throat. "Excuse me, what's the hubbah? Do you mind?"
"Sorry, was I staring? How rude of me." He hopped down from the branch, barely making a sound as his feet hit the grass below. "I offer up my sincerest apologies to the three of you."
"It's not that big of a deal, meow..."
"Who might you be, I wonder?" Blair scoffed, folding into the natural Blair pose- arms crossed, head slightly lifted, back straight as if to assert dominance. Yeesh, must suck being on the opposing side.
"Formalities, of course! I really am quite astray today, ha." The male held out a gloved hand, brushing aside his short black hair with the other. "You may call me Yakeru."
If possible, Blair's eyes narrowed even further. "Yakeru, you say. Hm."
"Hey, what's up with the suspicious tone, meow?" Seiko leaned forwards to cast a look at the tank, but Blair merely turned away with a small snort. "It is nothing of your concern."
"She's just being ticked over air again, isn't she?"
"As usual!"
"Tch, you both are the bane of my existence."
The male in front of us, Yakeru, shifted uncomfortably as we discussed amongst ourselves, his hand still outstretched in an unfortunately one-sided greeting. "You know, formalities are typically exchanged, and not one-sided..."
"Manners are an avant-garde concept to these two, I must say."
I shrugged it off. "Yeah yeah, whatever. You can call me Koemi, and the little yapper there is Seiko. And this here is-"
"My name is Valeria," Blair cut me off. "It is a pleasure to meet you."
"Koemi, Seiko, and Valeria, then?" Yakeru nodded, rubbing his chin. "A fine party here, I see. I apologize for interrupting the lot of you, should you be encountering something important. I can take that burden upon my shoulders."
"Cut it with the fancy crap. You're not leaving the best impression on me."
Seiko let out an innocent laugh. "He's like a walking dictionary, meow... even worse than our tank..."
"It was a pleasure, but we must see to our initial goal." Speak of the devil, Blair held a hand up as a signal to draw the conversation to a close. "I bid you farewell, young knight."
"But of course, Valeria. I wish you and your comrades the best of luck in your training!"
We all turned to cast glances at each other, and by the time we turned back to where Yakeru had been standing, he was gone. "What a strange but pleasant lad."
"I'd say that's not the weirdest thing we just encountered," I twirled a strand of hair, leaning on my staff. "Blair, what was with the obvious lie? Valeria?"
"It only mattered in the moment, and I request that you do not mention such again," Blair's voice seemed a little softer than usual, which I deemed as odd. "I simply could not have him knowing of my identity. I am from World:Two, after all."
"Y-you are?!" Seiko blinked. "That's actually a pretty big deal. I hear it's hard to settle down in World:Two."
"It's not as if I'm living there of my own accord. My parents, naturally, let me stay with them." She spun around after that line, trudging forward. "Let us proceed before the conversation becomes too personal for my own liking."
"Hehe, suspicious..." Seiko purred, placing her hands on her hips. "Hey, weren't we supposed to be looking for berries?!"
"Not our fault we got jumped by some male."
"And why was he watching us, meow?"
Rubbing my chin, I murmured, "there's only one logical explanation for this, Seiko. You read me?"
"Ohoho, I read you well, my brother..."
"He's a filthy pervert!!!" We declared in unison, but to both our surprise, our target audience Blair had already disappeared through the leaves ahead of us. "W-wait for us!!"
. . .
To be honest, I hadn't really supported Seiko's idea an overwhelming amount, considering you can't make incredibly filling dishes with only berries; and yet, as we progressed and I taste-tested a few, they actually were pretty dang good. I was even further surprised that none of them were poisonous as well. And the biggest surprise of all is that none of us are getting swept up by toucans this time. Go team!!
"I'd say this is a relatively decent collection we've got, meow!" Seiko crossed her arms with a small fufu and grinned. Really, I would have been proud of her if the whole end of her dress wasn't slathered in multicolored berry juice. It's ruining the moment, Seiko. Please face away from me so I can actually be happy for you for once.
"So we may head back to the inn now, yes?" Blair, on the other hand, seemed unimpressed and unsatisfied. If Seiko was the highest rating and Blair was the lowest, I guess you could say I was smack dab in the middle.
Deciding not to shed light on my opinion, I crossed my arms behind my head with a sufficient "yep, might as well." But, as per always, something else seemed to intrigue our hasty little swordswoman. Wordlessly, she sprinted off to the right, leaving Blair and I to yet again share a sigh and chase after her.
What we found was a worried Seiko crouching over the figure of a shivering old man. He sat with a few empty cans and bags, inferably without a home. Analyzing our surroundings a bit further, I realized that he was camped out in front of a cave entrance. I mean, I guess we are in the woods and all, but isn't this, like, a beachy area? Why is there some random conveniently-placed cave here? And why does some old man live directly outside it?
"Youngster, it seems you heed my call..." he sputtered, glancing up at Seiko. "Would you like to hear a tale, one that originates from this very cave?"
"No more tales, please!" I begged, latching onto Seiko's arm and lightly tugging her in the opposite direction. "Remember the last time this happened, and we went on some long unnecessary treasure hunt because of it? And big old mean squiddy?"
Seiko shook her head, eyes sparkling. "But this guy's clearly losing his marbles, meow! It's always the hobos that tell the best stories."
"Why can I foresee this being a grave mistake..." At this rate, after another sigh from Blair, I considered keeping a Blair Sigh Tally. She seemed to, like, religiously practice it or something. Do you follow the god of disappointment, if that's even a thing? Actually, mind converting me over to your religion if you do?
While I went on one of my usual mental tangents, Seiko had sat an arms-length away from the old man and was now listening to his story. "Long ago, it was said that a God inhabited this very cave..."
"Wow, ironic," I murmured out of timing, causing a glare from Blair.
"It was said she was the God of Mind. She could control human brains and made it possible for us to think," the old man continued, rambling about some subject matter I'd never heard of before. "However, humans would often come to torture the lady, claiming that she was a liar and a false God. Ultimately, she grew sick of visitors, and ended up placing a curse on this cave, one that distorts the human brain and eventually drives you to insanity if you can't make it back out fast enough."
"Are you the keeper of this cave, dear sir?" Seiko presumed, standing up and brushing off her clothes (although she still didn't seem to notice the berry juice staining it).
"Keeper? Naw," the old man chuckled. "My son wandered into this here cave a day or so back, and I've been wonderin' where he scrammed off to."
Blair stiffened, reaching for her axe. "Wouldn't you find this concerning?"
"The old sonny can find his way back here, no problem. He's a smart ol' kid."
"A-and you haven't gone in to look for him? If that legend's true, then he could be in serious danger right now, meow!"
"Maybe we should take care of this," Blair declared, and I grumbled, slouching over. "Whyyy am I aaallwaays dragged into these dangerous taaaaaskssss?"
"You're an adventurer, Koemi. That is what they do."
"Yeah, meow!"
"Screw you both."
"You girls don't have to do such a thing, y'know. My son will be just fine where he is," the old man shook his head. "Besides, should the time come to it, I'll go in and save him myself. Don't risk your lives for some old coop like me."
"If something dangerous really is in there, old guy, it'll touch you once and your bones will instantly snap in two. Not happening." I held out my trusty-dusty staff and reluctantly embarked into the cave before skidding to a halt. "Blair, mind going in front? The middle is always the safest spot."
"Your selfish desires will catch up with you one day, no matter how heroic you try to play yourself off" Blair treaded past me, allowing us to officially embark into the cave.
"Good luck, you three! Stay safe, y'hear?"
"But of course, old bozo!" Seiko chirped, her voice bouncing off the cave walls as we pressed forward.
"Eugh, this place is kinda scary," I whimpered a little ways in.
"And dark..." Seiko gulped. "I can barely see my own feet, meow."
"Ow... those are my feet, Seiko."
"Whoopsie! Sorry..."
"Koemi, you can produce some kind of light magic, right?" Blair cut in with a query, and instantly a lightbulb (ironically) went off in my head. "Are you already forgetting your class?"
"Sorry, sorry. Not thinking straight." I brushed it off with an easygoing laugh, and gripped my staff a short distance in front of me. O' spirits of the sun, rise and guide me when the dark is abundant. "Light orb!"
a small ball of energy appeared before me, similarly to a torch with a few notable differences. For one, it was small and compact, and I was able to carry my staff while it floated beside me. Additionally, the radius in which it's light spread to was further, and it functioned like a smaller sun, lighting up the whole cave around us. I could also summon it away easily, so it was rather helpful. Boom, Koemi proves her usefulness once again! Must suck to not be a mage.
"Thank you," Blair offered her once-in-a-lifetime praise, which I relished for the moment it lasted, before we progressed. The walls were sloping inwards, slightly enclosing us, and I felt my legs begin to shake a bit. "Is it too late to sit out on this one?"
"We're lucky Koemi's in the middle, meow. Otherwise she could've just bailed on us."
"I should've called the back, shouldn't I have...?"
Tears prickling at my eyes, I noticed the walls begin to curve outwards again. "Finally, some free spa-" I began, but was cut off by a bright, hazing light practically blinding me.
"E-ehhh? What is this, meow?" Seiko shrieked from behind me. I stepped behind Blair, but opening my eyes, it seemed the light didn't just come from one direction. In fact, it looked like a large blue haze, twisting back and forth to make me dizzy.
"We should... keep going..." Blair stammered, pressing on. I gathered all the strength in my legs to keep walking, despite the floor underneath me feeling wobbly. I'm gonna collapse, I'm gonna collapse, holy CRAP I'm gonna collapseeeee!
As far as we seemed to be walking, it was as if we didn't make any progress. The walls didn't even move with us. "I'm beeeat," I collapsed, flopping on my back helplessly. The blue haze shifted and spun around me, closing my eyes feeling like an impossible task.
"Is that... an egg salad sandwich, meoww~?" Seiko brought my attention to a figure forming on the ground in front of me. However, it did not appear to be an egg salad sandwich, but rather, a large, walking coin.
"Howdy, Koemi!" It spoke, my heart pounding at it's words. "I'm a large, round piece of gold! You can take me back to the Guild and make a huuuge profit!"
"You're right, Mr. Money..." drool spilled from the creases from my mouth, and I raised myself up to a sitting position. "My, you're made of some fine gold, aren't you..."
Blair quizzically raised her head up next to me, extending an arm. "Greataxe, your blade is so sharp... I could cut through monsters with such ease if you came home to me!!"
"Egg salad sandwich tasty, meow~"
With my teammates laying beside me, I pushed myself up onto my feet, nearly toppling myself over with the wavy blue haze practically flipping the world upside-down. "Come give me a big hug, Koemi!"
"Of course..." I started forwards, arms extended, and went to touch the money, but as I did, it faded from view and I tumbled onto the ground where it once stood. "Mr. Money, please... I desire you..."
"Yucky, my egg salad sandwich turned into a foxxx!" Seiko cried out, reaching for her sword. "Bring it back, you beasty!"
We all seemed to turn in the same direction. That's not a fox, that's money, you dumb crap, I mentally ridiculed Seiko, beginning towards it once again. But before I could reach it, Seiko sliced right through the image, and the blue haze around us ceased to be.
I found myself in the same dark cave room, illuminated by nothing more than the ball of light I had summoned. "What just...?" I rubbed at my head, wincing at the dizziness that still remained.
"Right, the legend...!" I recalled what the old man had told us about the insanity. "So this cave causes hallucinations?"
"I don't think it was the cave, meow. Lookie," she pointed down at a figure huddled below her, where we had initially hallucinated. It looked to be that of a monster, it's eyes wide open and swirling with blue haze.
"It's a Medusa lifeform," Blair commented. "When you come near it, the monster can distort the world around you and cause hallucinations. Staring at it for too long can drain your life."
"Yeesh, we're lucky Seiko took care of it, then," I stood up, flipping the creature over with the butt of my staff. "Thanks for not being useless, I guess."
"They must have made up some fake rumor to cover for such a weird occurrence," Blair commented with a nod. "And on that note, I believe we found the boy as well."
At the end of the cave, the shape of a little boy could be faintly made out. "He is alive, but must be unconscious. We should take him back to his father immediately."
"Hey, wait, meow," Seiko darted up to the boy, slightly lifting him up. "Look behind him. It's a nest of animals!"
"Could this be why he initially ran into the cave?" Blair pondered, and I nodded, adding, "perhaps he heard them squealing or something and wanted to save them, but was caught off guard by the monster."
"We should take them back too, then, meow." We peered down at the nest of animals. Oddly enough, there lay an owl, fox, and boarwolf, each one with a small shape. "I think they're children."
"Isn't it dangerous, holding possession of a boarwolf? Those things can be dangerous, y'know."
"If you adopt one at a young age, it can usually turn out peaceful. People all over the Worlds tame monsters." Blair informed me, reaching down and lightly picking up the nest. "In fact, we could adopt these three animals, given they seem to be alone and without families."
"Is this our reward for saving the boy? Because taking care of an animal feels more like a punishment," I rubbed at my head.
"Accept it! Embrace it!" Seiko pulled the little boy onto her back with a smile. "That means we saved four lives today!"
"I'm still not too sure about this..."
"Accept it! Embrace it!"
. . .
Ultimately, we returned to the inn with pockets full of berries and three resting baby animals.
The old man thanked us sincerely for saving the boy, and although he didn't have enough money to cover for a reward, the smile on his face served as enough of a reward to us. Or, at least, that's how it should've been. I was ticked beyond belief that we did all that for three measly pests.
"Maybe that dude we met... Yakeru, was it? Maybe he was like, a divine deity, guiding us to treasure," Seiko lifted up the boarwolf that she had most likely taken a liking to.
"Please do not refer to an imbecile like him as a 'divine deity'," Blair scoffed, petting the owl that she had decided to keep. "If anything, he was a mere plothole on our adventure."
"I'm still sad we didn't get any money..." Given that the other two had already taken their picks, I was left with the fox. It was cute, and I couldn't complain, but the idea of taking care of pets still uneased me, especially as adventurers. "Well, whatever. We have to come up with names for these roaches now."
"I'll name mine Egg Salad Sandwich," Seiko patted it's head. "Fitting, right?"
"I might just stick with something simple, like Owl..." Blair shrugged. "Naming is not something that comes easy to me."
"Tch, 'Owl'... that's a strategy for novices," I smugly crossed my arms. "Everyone, meet my new pet fox, Dinner!"
While we didn't get any money out of today's journey, I'd grown accustomed to disappointingly unrewarding quests in this World. It was just the everyday life of an adventurer, I suppose.
And besides, ticking off these idiots was way worth it in the end. "Koemi, you're cruel!" the both of them wailed, an amusing and typical conclusion to our night.