Yes, I know that hell would freeze over before they were close enough to take a picture together but enjoy the edit anyway
AUGUST
Catalina leans against the door across the room and her leg anxiously bounces as she tries not to pick at her fingernails. She isn't even looking at me and that's because she's forcing herself not to. I'm afraid that if I say something to her she'll explode because it looks like she's using every fiber of her being to not speak to me. Nothing makes me as nervous as Catalina does. If it's not because I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing to her, it's because I'm afraid of what she'll say to me, so I walk on eggshells around her. I know how her emotions are capable of skyrocketing and taking over her.
I no longer know what to think about her or what she thinks about me. I used to know her, and I barely knew her then. See, I never got to know the Catalina that I hurt; I only knew the one before I crushed her heart. I never knew--and probably never will know-- the one Ashton knows. If I sat here and named all the versions of her that I don't know I'd be going forever.
I knew Catalina Delarosa, I have no idea what to think about Catalina Evans. I would wonder how much a person can actually change in just a few years, but so much has happened for her in these past two years that I know she isn't the same.
"So, uhm... where to first?" I ask as I look at the pamphlet we were handed.
"How about no where." Catalina crosses her arms.
"Okay.....that's fine too."
"I just want you to know do not start with your childishness." She speaks. "I won't be engaging with your tactics. I'm a grown, mature, developed adult now."
She starts with me despite asking that I don't start with her. It's like there's this alarm in her head that goes off everytime I'm not saying something to her and it signals her to throw the first jab. She hasn't seen me in years and didn't even try to give me the benefit of the doubt, but it's Catalina so I guess I don't really care. She's that one unreasonable person who is so resistant to change that you can't tell her anything-- or she used to be that person at least. I don't know her anymore and I can admit that, but why is she acting like she still knows me?
"You're only 25." I say, annoyed by her
"and three quarters." She scoffs at me, offended that I called her the age she is.
"My bad then." I narrow my eyes and correct myself. "25 and nine months."
"Nine months and a half."
I sigh heavily and sit back on the window. Catalina side eyes me and moves a few feet away from me.
"Well that wasn't very 25 and three quarters of you."
"Do you ever mature?" She narrows her eyes. "Like ever? Are you going to stay twelve your whole life?"
"I don't know, do you like twelve year olds?"
Catalina rolls her eyes. She's more quiet than I imagined, and yes I have imagined the day we'd meet again. Although, when I thought about it I thought I'd be someone unrecognizable; I imagined that I'd be so far from my old self that she could talk to me and not loathe every moment of it. I hate being alone with her because I never know what to say or do. I don't know what it's like to be her or what thoughts swirl through her mind. I'll never really know because no matter what she says, it's never going to be the whole truth. She said she hated me and then she admitted that it wasn't the entire truth.
I don't want her to like me, we don't even have to be friends, I just want to know what she'd think of me now if we were strangers and met for the first time all over again.
"I only joke about stuff to keep from saying anything else. Like how I really wanted to ask you do you ever mind your business, but I didn't."
"You just said it."
"I did not. We're strangers now, you don't know me."
Catalina scoffs under her breath."I know what I know, and what I know is enough. Trust me."
"There are layers to people Catalina." I tell her and I sound exhausted, because I am. She thinks that she knows everything.
To her, it may feel like she's been around forever and has seen it all, but she hasn't. Catalina, like most people who are forced to grow up at a young age, forget how young they are. She got engaged at 22, married at 23, and now she's 25 with three children. She didn't use those fundamental years of growth for mental development because by the time she was 21, she had experienced enough trauma to know that there was nothing more about the world that she wanted to know. She only knows two things: extraordinary love and immeasurable pain. All she knows how to do is love her loved ones with every fiber of her being and hate with the same equity.
That it isn't the case for everyone though. Like me: I loved Catalina, but not like how I love Lily. I hated Christian, but now how I hated Emilio. Each of those people know different versions of me and it's not because I'm pretending to be someone else. To Catalina I'm just the person who killed her mother and ruined her life, but to my daughter, I 'm her hero.
"I'm not the same." I admit to her. I may seem like I don't care about anything, but I do. Just because I know how to get under people's skin doesn't mean that I'd ever hurt someone again.
"I would hope so. Your child should never get to meet the man that I knew." Catalina responds with her arms crossed as her eyes stay on the skeleton across the room.
"What was I like to you?"
I know, at least, I think I do. I never listened when she told me before because I was reluctant to accept the horrible things I did. I liked her so much and knowing that I put her through all of that would've just complicated that for me. I knew then that she didn't deserve it, but I'm willing to admit it now.
"Should I start with the catalog of everything you've done?" She shakes her head, being sarcastic.
"Yes."
Catalina glances at me to look at me like I'm crazy.
"Well?" I know that she wants to
"Mmhhh let's see.....first, you pretended to like me and kiss me, you killed my mother right in my face, but only after you decided not to kill me instead. You told me you loved me after what you did knowing that I was emotionally weak, when I finally got a boyfriend you hated him and if he'd been anyone else that probably would've driven him away..." Catalina takes an exaggerated, long sigh in between like she's out of breath before she starts again. "You kept antagonizing me about the fact that I had a boyfriend so bad that I had a panic attack arguing with you, you told that same boyfriend that you killed my mother, you killed my aunt and then I saw her dead body and had a miscarriage—"
"Okay."
"Oh no, I'm not finished." She clears her throat. "You called me an evil bitch in front of the entire hospital I worked at, you told my fiancé that I was pregnant before I could, said you should've killed me. You came to my wedding rehearsal to shoot my brother, but let's not forget how you pushed me out of your way so you could go attempt to murder him. Then, you pointed a gun at my fiancé and father of my unborn child..... I might have left some things out, but I think you get it."
I really did love her and looking at it now, how could I have loved her but did all those things to her? I'm not sure if I can explain what it is I used to feel because I wouldn't know where to start; I'm sure it'll sound stupid if I put it into words, but when I was 25 and irrational, it made all the sense in the world.
"I'm sorry." I say. "Like, really sorry this time. I mean, I was sorry all the other times too, I just wasn't ready to acknowledge how wrong I was. I-I'm sorry though, really."
Catalina makes the choice to ignore me and crosses one leg over the other.
"Did you dye your hair?" I ask. It's in a bun so I'm not entirely sure, I'm just asking.
"Why? Maybe I will if you tell me what color I have to use to make you ignore me."
"Blue. Maybe." I shrug. "or....green. Definitely green. Wouldn't be caught dead talking to you if you had green hair."
I look at her sharp high heel shoes and see her move her ankle every now and again.
"Where are your vans?"
"Where's your gun?" She retorts with a glare.
"Ooo." I laugh. "In my car."
Her face falls. "Really?"
"No." I scoff. "Why? You want to hold it or something?"
"You disgust me."
I sigh. "I uhm, I only killed Katherine because she was going to kill you." I admit to her.
I've always wanted to tell her and I've always wondered if she knew, but I never told her. I suppose it doesn't make it any better and only after the words leave my mouth do I realize that telling her that was selfish. It sounds like I'm making excuses, like somehow she should ex that crime off the list because I did it for her.
Catalina glances from the ground to me.
"I'm sorry that you had to do that." She says quietly. "I know she was....well I know she was there for you when you were little, so that must have been hard. I'm sorry."
Somehow her apologizing makes me feel guilty. She didn't do anything to me, I did it for her. Wrongfully so, I'd do it again. I know that sounds bad, but weighing the odds of knowing Katherine and Catalina never being able to live her life makes the answer simple.
"You shouldn't be sorry." I shrug. "It wasn't a hard decision to make. It was hard to do, but I'd do it for you again."
"Why?"
"I don't know." I admit. "Oh wait. I was a sadist who kind of loved you with my tiny heart." I laugh.
Catalina turns her head to look at my face, trying to detect if I'm serious or not. I look into her eyes and she looks back at me. I feel the thick tension between us as the rest of the room gets smaller and smaller and until nothing is in it but the two of us. I wonder which one of us will turn away first and diminish everything we've built in these few seconds. I expect us to be glaring at each other, in fact, I feel the harsh tension of a glare in my whole body-- everywhere except my eyes. I'm not glaring at her and she's not glaring at me.
"What?" She says.
"I don't know, you're staring at me." I shrug.
"Am not!" Her face drops to a scowl and she scoffs.
"Yeah you are."
"I detest you."
I laugh at the expression on her face. Her golden brown eyes start glaring at the door in front of her. Then I realized that the door isn't locked, it was never locked and nothing was actually forcing us to be here.
CATALINA
"I am never going back to that place." I fold my arms as I button my pajama shirt. "They're so unprofessional--"
"What if I get sued?" Ashton mumbles and narrows his eyes in thought. "Like, what if I kill someone on accident and get sued?"
"You're not listening to me." I scowl. "Plus, if you get sued I'll just hit the streets and make you my housewife."
He laughs. "Like under the bridge with a sign hit the streets or on the corner at 3 am in a trenchcoat and stilettos hit the streets?"
I smile and get under the plush covers beside him. "It'll be a surprise."
"So do you prefer Ashy-washy or ashy cakes?" I hum as I write down nickname suggestions.
Ashton furrows his eyebrows in confusion and I know he's going to say neither, but before he does the door to our room blows open and standing in it is Mahlia.
"We have to talk." Mahlia speaks. She uses the step stool on the side of our bed to step up.
"What's wrong?" Ashton turns to her.
"Are you going to be my mommy and daddy forever?" Mahlia asks as she crawls to sit with her legs crossed on Ashton's chest like it's a chair.
"Yes." I smile.
"Forever and ever?" Her eyes light up and her smile grows.
"Yes we will, but you're not going to stay little forever."
Mahlia starts to frown and her face drops to a familiar expression as her eyes immediately begin to fill with tears.
"Oh no baby don't cry." Ashton wipes her face. "It's not a bad thing."
"I don't want to get big." She wails and she uncrosses her legs to lay flat on his chest and cry.
I sigh because I know that she's genuinely upset. I wish I could look at her and tell her that being an adult one day isn't as bad as it seems, but I can't, because my adult life has been the worst thing that I can think of. I don't want her to know that yet though, right now I want her heart to stay full of pure, innocent thoughts and joy.
"Mahlia." Ashton sighs, stuck laying on his back due to the way she's laid on top of him.
"I don't want to get big!" She buries her face in his chest. "Daddy you have to make it stop."
"I wish I could." He chuckles.
"Mommy?" She turns to me, sobbing.
I grab her and she lays her head on my shoulder, sniffling her nose.
"It's a very long time before you get to be big like me and your dad." I say softly as I rub her hair. "and you won't even know it's happening."
Mahlia wipes away her tears as she listens to what I'm saying, deciding that she may have been a bit unreasonable. "It isn't going to hurt when I grow?"
"No." I laugh and kiss the top of her head.
She lays her head on my chest for a while in silence. I assume she's thinking about what life will be like once she's old enough to cook her own food. I'm looking forward to the day she knows how to tie her own shoes, but knowing that the thought terrifies her just makes me chuckle.
"I love you." I say, smiling at her as I lift her up in my arms so that she can see me.
"Me too." She says as she grabs my face with both of her tiny hands and aggressively pulls it towards her so she can kiss me on the nose. "I love you more than anyone in the whole wide world."
"Awe." I laugh.
"You too." She reaches her hand out to put her hand on Ashton's face too.
"Two timer." I gasp as I reach her over to him.
"You're my favorite daddy ever." Mahlia grins.
"How many of us are there?" He laughs.
"In the whole world."
"I love you more." He smiles at her.
I smile as she gets under the covers in between us. She's so perfect, sometimes I can't believe I made her. I was there when she was born and obviously I know I carried her for nine months, but if it weren't for those undeniable facts, I wouldn't believe where she came from. I look at her as she tries to close her eyes and fall asleep and wonder what she'll be like. She won't stay little and her image of the world will alter with time--I wonder what she'll make it of it.
There are 7.8 Billion people in the world. There are 7.8 Billion people in the world and my whole life I wondered how many people would I need out of that number to make me happy. To answer my question, all you really need is one. All it took was one person to give me all of this light and love. From that one came three tiny lives that somehow brought me more joy than I ever dreamed of.
Nothing, not even the realization that I will be in close proximity to August everyday, can take that away from me.