Camila lifted her hand tentatively in greeting and Lauren offered a small smile in return as she watched the smaller girl navigate her way across the quad towards where she stood. Lauren felt Dinah come and stand beside her as Camila neared where their group normally sat for lunch and place a cautionary hand on her shoulder. Lauren looked at Dinah and nodded her head in understanding.
Finally, Camila stood before Dinah and Lauren, her sleeves pulled down over her hands clearly apprehensive. They both noted the dark circles under Camila's eyes hinting that she'd likely had as little sleep as Lauren last night after what had happened between the two of them. Lauren studied Camila's face closely, noting its pallid complexion and the way that her normally quick and brilliant chocolate-colored eyes were today dull and hazy.
Lauren observed that all eyes in the quad were firmly fixed on Camila with interest, the drama that had happened during homeroom on Monday still fresh in the students' minds. Camila tried her best to ignore the scrutiny but Lauren could tell that she felt uncomfortable under the weight of their heavy gazes.
As Camila came to a stop in front of Lauren, she dropped her eyes to Camila's hands and was concerned to find her clutching her left wrist in her right hand over her sweater, the usually observable splint that she wore now conspicuously absent. Lauren examined the back of Camila's left hand more closely, noting a dark purple bruise just visible into both her index and middle fingers, disappearing beneath her jumper and probably spreading up towards her wrist. Lauren wasn't certain, but she thought Camila's hand looked more swollen than it had yesterday and Lauren remembered the frenzied attack to the hood of her car and felt her stomach drop regretfully that she'd not been able to stop Camila from hurting herself during her outburst.
"Hi," Camila said drawing Lauren's attention back to her face. Camila gave Ally and Normani a timid wave where they sat and they returned the gesture.
"Hi," Lauren said uncertainly, her bravado and confidence of mere moments ago suddenly escaping her now that Camila was standing in front of her. "What are you doing here? I thought you were staying home today." Lauren said her voice calm and soothing. Camila shared a looked with Dinah before glancing towards Lauren and hastily back down to her hands which she was twiddling nervously before her.
"I am," was all Camila said her voice small and unsure. "Ssstaaaying...home."
"How did you get here?" Ally asked turning around in her seat to face Camila and prevent her from getting a sore neck. "Did your mom drive you?" Camila shook her head and rather than speak mimicked walking with the index and middle finger of her right hand.
"Mila," Dinah said in alarm. "That's a forty-minute walk." Camila shrugged at Dinah's comment, turning her attention back to Lauren who was watching her carefully.
"I...I...needed...to," Camila started, moistening her lips and moving her jaw purposefully to try to help her speak. "T...tt...o...see...yyy.." Struggling to get the last word out Camila visibly abandoned her effort, instead opting to just point at Lauren with the index finger of her right hand.
"I was just coming to you," Lauren told her and Camila looked surprised at this revelation. "Look, about yesterday..." Lauren wasn't given the chance to finish, Camila, stepping forward to place her index finger over her lips to silence her. Lauren looked puzzled but she followed Camila's silent command and stopped talking.
"I'm.....I'm....sss...ss...sorry," Camila managed and Lauren's jaw dropped in shock.
"Wait, you're sorry?" Lauren asked confused. "I was coming to apologize to you." She paused for a moment, studying Camila's face. "I know what I'm sorry for," Lauren continued, "but I have no idea what exactly you're apologizing for Camila." Camila frowned evidently confused.
"Yesterday," she said simply.
"Yeah," Lauren replied. "I know you're apologizing for yesterday but you didn't do anything wrong. I did." Camila went to say something further but this time it was Lauren's turn to stop her in her tracks. "Listen," Lauren said seriously placing a hand on Camila's shoulder, her bright green eyes never losing contact with the sluggish dark brown ones before her. "I am so sorry for what happened between us. I don't have an excuse for my behavior, I just, I want you to know that I have never regretted anything more in my entire life than the way that I treated you." Camila shook her head at Lauren's words in protest but she continued regardless. "I was an idiot," Lauren told her simply. "I don't know what I was thinking. I shouldn't have left like I did and I definitely shouldn't have insinuated what I did about your speech because I know that you don't do it on purpose," Lauren went on. "You have to believe that Camila. I would never think that about you. I know how hard you try."
Lauren reached down and placed her hand carefully on Camila's left wrist, causing her to wince in response. Lauren proceeded to lift Camila's arm between them and despite Camila's efforts to keep her sleeve pulled down, rolled it up to expose her bruised arm.
"This is not ok," Lauren told her sadly as she heard Dinah audibly gasp at seeing the state of Camila's wrist, "and this happened as a result of me because you were trying to tell me something and you couldn't because I'd stressed you out." Camila pulled her left arm into her stomach and cradled it with her right, Lauren releasing it gladly when she moved it afraid of injuring it further. Camila tugged at her sleeve, pulling it down over her hand to cover it up once again.
"It's fine," Camila told her trying to lessen Lauren's guilt. Lauren had a distinct feeling that nothing would help to ease the sense of responsibility she felt anytime soon.
"That is not fine," Lauren responded earnestly pointing at Camila's arm, her gut-churning wretchedly. "Nothing about yesterday is fine Camila. I dropped this massive bombshell on you and expected you to process it in an instant. Then when you didn't, I just ran away..."
Yeah, but..." Camila tried to interject but Lauren carried on.
"Then I got angry with you when you jumped in front of my car," Lauren told her, "but it was only because I was so worried that I'd hurt you. It all just came out wrong because you scared me so much. Especially afterward..." she trailed off.
"I would actually prefer if you didn't throw yourself in front of anyone's car," Dinah told Camila, only half joking. "I mean, you know, intentionally at least." Camila gave Dinah a look, reaching
her right hand to place it on her arm reassuringly.
"Everything after that is kind of a blur," Lauren admitted, "but, I remember you, you know," she said dropping her voice lower, "kissing me." Camila opened her mouth to say something but Lauren put her hand up to stop her.
"No please," Lauren said, "let me just finish alright. I've wanted to kiss you since the first day I saw you but it didn't feel right yesterday. It felt like you were just doing it to make me feel better because that's the sort of person that you are, but, I couldn't bear the thought of you pitying me so I pushed you away." Camila stepped forward slightly and Lauren took a step back causing a pained expression to spread across Camila's features. "I don't know how I'm ever going to make it up to you," Lauren said anxiously, "and I understand if you never want to speak to me again but please believe me when I say I really am sorry. I hope that someday you'll be able to forgive me..." she finished her voice weakening as she struggled to suppress a small sob.
Camila frowned at Lauren, noting her eyes were moist with tears before glancing at the faces of her friends, each one watching her expectantly for a response to Lauren's words. Camila exhaled noisily, heaving a huge sigh as she stepped forward and examined Lauren's face thoroughly. She was mere inches from Lauren and their eyes were locked together, neither of them saying anything. Camila reached up to wipe away the moisture at Lauren's eye with the pad of her right thumb and Lauren felt herself laugh lightly at how misplaced the gesture felt after everything that she'd just said. In her mind, Camila had every right to hate her, but yet, here she was showing Lauren comfort when she was upset.
After she'd halted Lauren's tears, Camila reached her hand into her back pocket pulling out a wad of folded A4 paper. She handed it to Lauren who took it hesitantly and Camila nodded her head in a prompt for Lauren to open it up. Lauren did as she was instructed, unfolding the wad of paper to reveal two sheets of printed out word-processed writing. She looked at Camila who gestured using her right hand for Lauren to read the words written on the page. Lauren obliged, perching herself back down on the seat behind her beside Ally. Dinah glanced over Lauren's shoulder to read from her vantage point where she stood, Ally and Normani sharing questioning glances before turning their attention back to Camila who was watching Lauren attentively.
"Lauren, I haven't slept much tonight because I kept thinking about all that has happened today and everything suddenly seems to make no sense and complete sense all at once. I know that my writing is horrible so I am sat at my computer, typing you this letter at a painfully slow speed because I can't coordinate my hands and eyes to work together quite as they used to and my brain is struggling to formulate a coherent sentence. My therapist told me that when I am feeling sad, or angry, or frustrated that I should try to write things down because I always internalize everything. She has said that isn't good for me in the long run and could cause problems later on, so, please bear with me whilst I try to do just that because I'm not used to opening up about anything, least of all myself, except maybe at therapy. It's so hard for me to put into words what I want to say and for it to make sense to you because, aside from my brain not wanting to cooperate with me, I am also finally feeling something positive instead of negative and depressing, something that I don't quite understand myself. I admit that your confession came as a surprise but, strangely, not an unpleasant one. Ever since the first day of school, when you returned my notebook to me, you've been this consistent and solid support for which I will ever be grateful. You will never quite understand how much it meant to me to be blessed with yours, Ally, and Normani's presence in my life at a time when I so desperately needed to feel like I belonged somewhere. I appreciate everything that you do for me, even when you don't realize that you're doing it and it is the little things that you do which I have come to appreciate the most. The most prominent of these is that you refuse to treat me any differently because of my problems and whilst I am struggling to find my own normality, this provides me with great comfort. I hate how we left things earlier because it felt like the end of something which I wasn't ready to let go of and I refuse to lose something and someone I've come to value so much. I've tried calling you but you're not answering your phone and I don't know if I should be concerned that you can't even bear the idea of talking to me. It turns out that it's probably a blessing in disguise because I've apparently lost all ability to speak, and I don't know how much would be resolved between us with a one-way conversation. I know that I have probably hurt you and that you made yourself vulnerable and exposed by opening up to me about your feelings so I feel as though it is only fair to reciprocate that act. I really like you Lauren, but I wasn't lying when I said that I don't have romantic feelings for anyone. I don't think that I can. Not yet. It's not personal, trust me, it is not you. It's me. I have thought about it a lot since you left this afternoon and have tried reading the list that you gave me today, only to find that my thoughts were not with me, but with you, distracted as always. I think that if I was to like anyone Lauren then it would be you because there are so many qualities to admire and love about you that they would probably rival the number that you listed for me. The problem is that I don't think I can truly fall in love with someone at the moment because I don't even know how to love myself. Does that make sense? The list that you gave me is amazing and anyone else would appreciate your words for what they probably are, the truth, but, I can't and you know why. I'd tell you all about my not too subtle self-confidence and body image issues but you are already aware of them, because you Lauren, can read me better than almost anyone. You read my mood better than even I can sometimes. I know that perhaps this is not what you want to hear but after this realization, I now know that I can't love someone else until I learn to love myself again. I have to find a way to do that but I both want and need you to be there with me, because, when I do finally find myself again, I want it to be with you, I want you to be the person that teaches me how to love Lauren. You love so freely and so openly, without prejudice, and I want to be able to do that too, only, with you. I didn't kiss you today because I pitied you, because I felt I had to. I kissed you because I wanted to, because, in the midst of my despair you put aside your own feelings to be there for me even though you felt rejected and angry with me. I want to love you Lauren and I think, subconsciously a part of me already does, otherwise, how else would you explain the kiss that I cannot remember prior to the one we shared yesterday? I assume that it happened after my seizure and it saddens me to know that I will never remember our first kiss if that is the case. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to love you Lauren because you've made the past five weeks that I've known you happier than they should ever have been considering the circumstances. I want to give you everything that you want, but, that, like my physical and emotional recovery will take time. Someone wise once told me that love is a slow burn not instant and all-consuming like I'd thought, so, what I want to know is Lauren, can you give me that time?"
Lauren lowered the paper when she'd finished reading and bit her bottom lip, glancing up at Camila who was watching her expectantly with a questioning look. Everything in Lauren's body was telling her to stand up and embrace Camila in her arms, but, she decided against it. Not quite believing her luck, Lauren offered Camila a warm smile instead which the other girl reciprocated willingly.
"So you don't hate me?" Lauren asked her, still not quite grasping that Camila did not think any less of her for her behavior yesterday. Camila shook her head,
"No," she said, the smile still firmly in place.
"Does this mean what I think it means?" Lauren asked her, waving the paper in front of Camila slightly. Camila shrugged trying to get her point across and Lauren laughed a little at her carelessness. "I mean," she clarified so that Camila could answer with a simple yes or no response. "You'd consider us, I mean, the two of us together at some point?" Camila shook her head,
"No."
"Wait, but I thought..." Lauren started but she didn't get a chance to finish because Camila closed the gap between them and lightly planted a soft gentle kiss on her lips. Lauren smiled into the kiss, her eyes closing reflexively whilst Camila's lips remained in contact with her own. She opened them when Camila stepped back and couldn't stop the face-eating grin from spreading across her face. She looked around at the faces of her friends who all had similar expressions on their faces and Lauren noticed that other people were also still watching the interaction with interest.
"Now," Camila clarified when Lauren met her gaze once more. "Just...slow...ok?" Lauren laughed, feeling as though her chest was going to explode with the happiness that she felt.
"Ok," Lauren agreed and this time she didn't hesitate to throw her arms around Camila's shoulders and pull her into a hug. She kissed the side of Camila's temple lightly before releasing her again.
"Hey, can I see that?" Ally said, pointing to Camila's note in Lauren's hand. Camila nodded and took a seat beside Lauren, whilst Dinah returned to her original seat opposite. Normani leaned over the table to read along with Ally and they both smiled as they finished.
"You're really articulate," Ally commented handing the pages back to Lauren. "I don't want to offend you but I'm kind of surprised." Camila shrugged in response pointing to her head.
"It...still works."
"Yeah but you struggle to write and coordinate your hands," Ally said interestedly. "So how did you type that up?" Camila smiled as she motioned pressing one key at a time with the index finger of her right hand.
"Did it take you long?" Dinah asked. Camila squinted her eyes a little as she thought and then held up six fingers. "Six minutes," Dinah replied. "Impressive, you're obviously getting better." Camila shook her head and made an upward gesture with her index finger. "Hours?" Dinah asked incredulously. Camila nodded,
"Couldn't...concentrate."
"Your speech is so bad today," Dinah told her and Camila gave her a look that said, "Well, duh?"
"What are you going to do now?" Normani asked her. "Are you going to stick around for classes?" Camila shook her head.
"How will you get home?" Lauren asked her worriedly.
"Walk," Camila answered.
"Yeah, like hell you will," Lauren told her standing up from her chair as Camila watched. "I'll drive you." Camila shook her head again.
"School?" she questioned.
"It'll still be here when I get back," Lauren told her seriously. "Besides, you're the one that told me to live a little if I recall." Camila looked at her for a moment before glancing with the others pleadingly for help.
"I don't think you're going to change her mind," Ally told her honestly. "If I were you I'd just agree."
"Yeah Mila," Dinah said, "besides you already look like crap so I don't know that another forty-minute walk will help that situation." Camila laughed before reaching over the table and hitting Dinah playfully with her right arm.
"Rude," she managed to say and Dinah chuckled.
"Come on Cabello," Lauren said holding out her hand for Camila to take. "I'm taking you home whether you like it or not." Camila smiled at Lauren's gesture and placed her right hand in Lauren's left, allowing her to pull her up out of the seat she was occupying. Camila entwined their fingers together and Lauren glanced at their interlocked hands happily.
"I'll be back soon," Lauren told the others.
"You better be," Dinah told her jokingly. "No funny business ok?" Normani who was having a sip of water at the moment, almost choked on her drink, spluttering in her seat as Lauren gave Dinah an incredulous look.
"Dinah," she groaned through gritted teeth feeling embarrassed, but Lauren relaxed when Camila squeezed her hand reassuringly, her smile still in place. Dinah gave her a wink in response as Camila started leading Lauren to the parking lot, through the quad of people, who still remained watching.
"See you guys later," Normani called knowingly, perceptive to the fact that once Lauren left school, she wouldn't be coming back. Lauren threw her a glance and waved goodbye, the other girls watching until they were out of sight.
The car ride back to Camila's house was quiet, but not the awkward silence that often falls between strangers, comfortable silence. Camila rested her head against the passenger window, looking out of it as Lauren drove. In the background, the faint sound of the car engine and the radio could be heard but otherwise, they didn't speak. Camila closed her eyes for a few minutes and Lauren wondered whether she had a headache or if she was just tired. Finally, Lauren pulled up outside of Camila's house and stopped the car.
"Camila," Lauren said nudging her slightly when she didn't respond. "Hey," Lauren said wiping a strand out of Camila's face to see her eyes still closed. "We're here..." she trailed off. Lauren nudged Camila gently once more and she stirred slowly, rubbing at the sleep in her eyes. Camila lifted her head to look in Lauren's direction, a dopey smile on her face. "We're here," Lauren repeated pointing at the house.
"Already?" Camila asked.
"Afraid so," Lauren told her climbing out of the car and walking around to open Camila's door. She offered Camila her hand to help her out and she took it gratefully, struggling to find her balance. "Wow, you really are tired," Lauren commented. Camila yawned as if to make the point even more,
"Didn't...sleep." She said covering her mouth with her free hand.
"Here let me help you up to your room," Lauren offered, leading Camila along the path, her arm wrapped supportively around her waist. At the door, Lauren pressed down on the handle and found it unlocked. "Is your mom at home?"
"No," Camila said. "Work."
"You left your door unlocked," Lauren told her seriously. Camila seemed to wake up a little bit at that news.
"I forgot." She said truthfully. "Ssshhit." Lauren guided Camila through the door and glanced around the house, checking for anything out of place.
"Everything looks the same," Lauren noted as she followed Camila, closing the front door behind her.
Camila trudged up the stairs, one step at a time, holding onto the banister firmly for support with her right arm. Lauren continued to follow her up and into her room, standing in the doorway as Camila collapsed on top of the bed. She laughed lightly at the sight and Camila turned her head to look at Lauren pointedly.
"I'm sorry," Lauren said, "but I can't believe you thought you'd be able to walk home."
"My mistake," Camila commented, stretching her limbs which still ached from the seizure she'd had on Monday. Her left arm was throbbing painfully but she'd never admitted it to Lauren. She knew she'd only worry and they'd managed to sort things out.
"So I'll see you tonight?" Lauren asked, her left shoulder leaning against the doorframe.
"You're going?" Camila asked.
"Yeah," Lauren replied. "I have school remember." "Don't," Camila said almost pleading.
"Please...stay..."
"Camila you're going to pass out from exhaustion in a minute," Lauren laughed. "You don't need me to stay here with you for that."
"Please," Camila said again, shifting her position and patting the bed beside her.
"Are you sure?" Lauren asked stepping into the room. "I thought you wanted to take things slow." Camila managed to raise her eyebrow at Lauren's implied suggestion which ruffled the other girl somewhat. "No," Lauren said quickly,
"I didn't mean...you know, it's just...I don't know what slow means exactly...like...you know?" Camila smiled patting the bed again and Lauren climbed onto it beside her. She sat up, resting her back against the headboard. Camila moved closer to Lauren, snuggling closer to the other girl and resting her head on her chest. "Ok?" Camila asked hesitantly.
"Yeah," Lauren said smiling widely as she wrapped an arm around Camila's shoulders and pulled her into her body further.
"This is perfect."
"So..." Lauren said broaching the subject delicately. "In regards to my previous comment...what exactly does slow mean?" Camila tilted her head to look at Lauren who was watching her face eagerly. "Kissing?" Lauren asked probingly. Camila grinned widely, her huge, face-eating grin which made her dull eyes sparkle back to life.
She craned her neck, reaching up to take Lauren's lips in her own, twisting her body slightly as she did so. For the first time since Camila had originally kissed her at the hospital, Lauren reciprocated back, exploring the feel of Camila's lips against her own. When she finally pulled back, her head felt dizzy and light, possibly from a lack of oxygen, but definitely from the overwhelming happiness that she felt at this moment.
Camila rested her head back onto Lauren's chest and she sunk down into a more supine position, keeping Camila close to her body all the time. Lauren found Camila's left hand and took It gently in her own, lifting it up to her lips and kissing the back of it gently. She lowered it back onto her own abdomen, playing mindlessly with Camila's fingers, twirling them around on her own. She heard Camila's soft snores as she very quickly fell asleep, her body finally succumbing to its exhaustion. Lauren watched Camila's features visibly relax, the scar on her forehead lengthening slightly as her brow relaxed.
Lauren took one last look at Camila before closing her own eyes, herself not having slept well, last night after the events of the day. She smiled to herself; the warmth of Camila's body pressed close to hers and thought about how much had changed in the last 24 hours. Everything has changed, she thought, the song once again playing in her head, the song that would now and forever remind her of Camila.
She thought about taking it slow, about what that might mean, but, if it meant they could kiss and they could cuddle like they were now, then Lauren was more than happy with slow, in fact, slow would more than likely quickly become one of her most favorite things.
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2 chapters in a day, you guys are blessed. I'll try to update 2 chapters tomorrow even tho I have tons of HWs to do, so just bare with me.
Have a great day, loves!
Twitter: laurmilasHoe